CONTACT
by Esmejs
Summary: Months have passed since Jen walked away, agonisingly, from her beautiful student Tilly, having only just admitted the strength of her feelings, because the danger of the rumours proved too much... But what would happen if she saw her again? Did she bury those feelings for good? Would she ever be brave enough to embrace them, anyway? And what if she did & danger came again?...
1. Chapter 1

Contact

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Chapter 1

Finger-trails of sunlight were starting to trace unhurried patterns across the dawn sky as the beautiful dark-haired woman looked up from the intricate collage which lay spread across the table in front of her, awaiting her mark. Stifling a yawn, she stretched and rose stiffly, feeling every muscle and bone ache from lack of sleep for weeks on end. What _was_ she doing? She asked herself for the millionth time. How on _earth_ had she become this... this _shell_ of a person? Because _that's_ what she felt like, if she was honest.

Yes, she was good at presenting a front, a professional smile and a capable, focused, cheerful attitude – so good, in fact, that she fooled herself half the time... But she only had to see herself in the mirror to read the tension and hurt there; the restless hunger that lay lurking behind the tired eyes, that had already added faintly etched lines of stress across corners of her face, eyes, mouth, and which kept her body like a coiled spring, in a constant state of wakefulness.

She'd _never_ expected this! Bart was right: she _was_ a freak coming to work so early – not long after the birds began to sing each morning, before the sun began to wake, every single day, like a robot. Anything to keep busy. Anything to stay focused on work: marking coursework; trying new designs; new materials; planning new schemes of work for different classes... Anything. So that she didn't have time to think. Because to think meant to open up her heart to cherished memories of pure happiness, and love, that was lost and gone and which left behind fingertips of a yearning ache like nothing she'd ever experienced ever before. So better then, to feel nothing. Better to build barriers of politeness, and duty, and responsibility, and professionalism.

_Damn_ Foucault and his assertion that it was just social convention which imprisoned people from their true selves and made them conform to the accepted rules! And _damn_ Tilly for so honestly showing her that, as Foucault said, to be truly free you had to learn to live beyond those constraints; rise above them and be true to yourself; learn to fly.

_Damn_! There was that name again – that beautiful, perfect name. She had managed to shut herself off from it, pushing it far, far away into the recesses of her mind for days, weeks now... But here it was again. Tilly. Tilly Evans. What was she doing right now? Jen couldn't help but wonder. Was she asleep at this hour in the early morning? Was she wrapped up warm and snug in bed? Were her beautiful fiery auburn curls spread out across her pillow like a wonderful velvet fan? Tiny wisps of daylight would be shyly peering into her room through a gap in the curtains, and tenderly stroking her pale skin as she lay there quietly breathing...

Jen's entire body suddenly tensed into an even greater state of alertness than usual. She was suddenly aware of the hammering of her heart and a nervous anxiety that made her want to pace the room, yet again, to clear her head and calm herself. How on _earth_ was it possible for someone to have _such_ a hold over her? Even now, when she had deliberately avoided her – for weeks now – even going to the trouble of re-arranging with the other tutors which exams she would be invigilating so that she didn't have to sit in on an exam with Tilly in the room. She could imagine Tilly sitting at the back, in her full view, looking, no doubt, even more beautiful and alluring when she was deep in thought answering AS level questions... All it would take would be for Tilly to look up and shine those perfect green eyes across the room at her, from beneath that silky Autumnal fringe she so desperately wanted to stroke to one side with her fingertips, and Jen would be lost. She knew it as well as she knew day from night.

Even now, after disappearing from her daily company, even now, Tilly's memory still managed to haunt her... Every minute. Every day. The memory of that lingering kiss still captivated her: soft, sweet, firm, urgent; and those lips – like an exotic sultry rosebud, slightly parted to show the luminous sweetness within... Such memories kept forcing their way through all the distractions and barriers Jen built up around herself, so that each time she had to begin to rebuild them again. Breathe. Stretch. Dress. Eat. Walk in to college. Walk up to her room. Spread out the work and begin to mark. Plan. Assess. Plan. Don't think. Don't dream. Don't do what she'd told Tilly to do and free her mind – don't do that. Just function. Yes, she thought wryly, she knew _all_ about being one of Foucault's prisoners!

She paced across to one of the windows which overlooked part of the quad below, and stretched again, arching her beautifully sculpted back and shoulders, as she tried to relax the urgency she felt within her. She felt old, despite being only at the start of her twenties and at the very start of her career. She felt old and haggard and exhausted with it all. Was it _really_ worth it? She asked herself, yet again. She had always been so sure of what she wanted, who she was, but now, as she stood there gazing out at the rose-coloured sky as the world began to wake around her, she didn't feel so sure. Everything was different now; everything had changed. And she knew that she would _never_ be the same again.

It was then that she saw her.

As Jen glanced down to the pathway beyond the quad she saw a lone figure make its way towards the building. Even though the figure was far away Jen knew, too well, its familiar movement as it swayed slightly almost in an absent-minded dance with a delightful energy all of its own. Jen found it mesmerising. After all this time of not seeing Tilly, she found that she felt an impatient hunger, a basic, urgent need to rest her eyes on her, feeling safe in the knowledge that in all likelihood Tilly would not see her watching – so few people were ever aware of the upper floors of that part of the college building; they were so distracted by other things, and to a large extent the trees and bushes provided a screen of separation too. At least, that's what Jen was counting on, as she stood there, tensely, lovingly watching, gazing with unguarded affection at the auburn-haired student who had such an effect on her.

So she was suddenly shocked to the core when the girl looked up and saw her looking.

Their eyes locked and Tilly came to a stop. Like magnets that pulled and pulsed towards each other they both held their gaze, a current of energy, of attraction, of need, passing between them. Earnest. Heartfelt. Like two halves of a heart coming together to beat in unison at long last. Neither one could break their gaze or tear their eyes away. Not until one of the other students walking down the path behind Tilly called her name so that she was forced to turn. Only then was the contact broken as Tilly turned to see who was calling. When she turned back to look up at the window of the Art Studio the beautiful sculptured figure of the older brunette had gone, and all Tilly was left with was the erratic beating of her own heart and the pulsating of her nerve endings as her taut body pumped the blood around itself at more than twice its normal rate.

Upstairs, Jen's heart was pulsing erratically too. Her legs felt weak and her body shook slightly, momentarily, as she leaned her back against the wall just to the side of the window. She was glad of its coolness. It was something to focus on, as she started to fight to regain control over her breathing. Good God, she felt alive! She felt electrified, as if she was plugged into some national power grid or something. Surely this wasn't natural, was it? Having gone without contact with Tilly for weeks Jen had forgotten just how powerful their connection was. She knew it was a rare thing. Tilly had been right that day at the hospital when she said that this was different. Jen had experienced enough to know it was true. Nothing else made her feel so alive – not even her passion for Art. Spending time with Tilly had become an irresistible drug. One which she had been trying to overcome. And now, she knew, she'd just fallen headlong into the addiction again. She knew she had to see her, she couldn't help herself. And this, she scolded herself, was just another kind of prison.

And yet, her heart told her, Tilly was the key to this particular jail. And Jen so desperately wanted to be free. She wanted to fly. Soar. High above the clouds. Spread her wings back to her perfect student. Back to the place where, at last, everything made sense, because for all her youthfulness, Tilly made her feel, for the first time in her life, whole and complete and very much alive.

Jen turned to the back of the room where she kept a first-aid kit of make-up in one of the paint trays on the top shelf in the cupboard. Still breathless and shaking slightly, she applied her public mask of self-control: foundation, eye shadow, blusher, mascara, lipstick. She had a fleeting thought of Eleanor Rigby in the Beatles' song, who 'kept her face in a jar by the door', before standing back and appraising her own portrait framed in the dusty mirror.

Soulful light-brown eyes looked back longingly at her, the brighter daylight catching their curved edges and dancing into their jet-black centres. They still betrayed her emotions, in spite of the make-up mask. _Get a grip_! She told herself firmly, setting her soft lips into a fixed smile. Then locking the door behind her, she left the room, her heartbeat still erratic, her athletic body moving effortlessly, gracefully along the corridor and down the stairs, hiding her inner turmoil as she prepared to face the rest of the staff for morning briefing...

She wasn't expecting to see Tilly quite so soon.

She was standing at the lockers at the bottom of the stairs with her friend George, idly waiting for someone else. She looked up when she heard Jen's footsteps but then looked away immediately, turning her body away from Jen in a defensive act, pretending to listen more intently to whatever George was saying.

Jen took in all of this in a matter of seconds, initially feeling a stab of hurt at the apparent rejection but then she noticed Tilly was shaking ever so slightly too, with a nervous tension that Jen instantly recognised and knew only too well. Ah. So it wasn't just her, barely controlling strong emotions then? She took some comfort from that as she passed close by Tilly on her way down the corridor to the main staffroom.

As she passed her, she felt the younger woman tense and draw in a sudden intake of breath, and then she smelt the floral scent of her perfume: it was delicious. It had the immediate effect of increasing Jen's heart rate tenfold. Was this what Tilly had felt when she'd stood so closely behind her in the Art room weeks ago, when Tilly said she was putting her off because she could smell Jen's perfume? Once again, Jen remembered that morning. Vividly. ...She had wanted to press her lips against Tilly's beautiful satin neck so badly it had taken all of her self-control to stand back and resist. ...She had wanted to trace a gentle pathway of kisses, brushing her lips against the younger woman's pale skin from her temple down to the crook of her neck and then nuzzle her nose into the nook of her shoulder and breathe in her sweetness... to begin with. She had felt on fire with longing the minute she had cupped her hand over Tilly's to guide her paintbrush in sensual strokes across her canvas. That was why she'd found herself asking her if she could feel it too. And when Tilly had slowly, deliberately, turned and gazed up at her with such a heartfelt look of adoration, Jen's own heart had almost burst...

The staff briefing was over quickly and Jen had spent the entire time dazed and battling to regain control of powerful memories so that she wasn't at all surprised to find herself back in her room upstairs, with its unique smell of White Spirit and Acrylic paint, about to welcome in her first class of the day – without the faintest recollection of how she'd arrived there.

How she was going to get through the _rest_ of the day, she did _not_ have a clue.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

As it happened, the rest of the day passed by without incident. There were the usual mutterings from colleagues about the shocking lack of preparation this year's batch of students seemed to be showing towards their exams, and there were the usual cliques of sixthformers who huddled around corners of the campus and common room either frantically cramming, or nervously chattering, or for those who had finished, just idly lazing around watching the world go by. But there'd been no further sightings of Tilly – a fact which made Jen feel both relieved and disappointed, and which meant that, as Jen stayed back at the end of the day to catch up on marking, yet again, Tilly was the only subject that seemed to occupy her thoughts. Jen wondered how she'd done in her exams – she knew it was the day of her final exam. She supposed Tilly would be going out partying with everyone later – that's what Sinead had been planning on doing when she'd been negotiating with Diane how late she was allowed to stay out until. Jen sighed. It wasn't _that _long ago that _she'd_ been doing the same thing. She could remember that carefree feeling of weightlessness when the world was exciting and full of opportunity and everyone collectively felt their life stretching forward in warm, sunlit days, for eternity. They'd all felt so free, so invincible. She missed that feeling.

Actually, when she thought about it, Tilly was almost seventeen – there was only around five years between them. In any other circumstance, even in just a couple of years' time, no one would be the slightest bit bothered about their union – apart from the usual raised eyebrow or bigotry about them being two women. Anyway, age wasn't something that had ever really mattered to Jen. No, the problem was the student – teacher dynamic. She was very aware of her role and its responsibility and hated the thought that she might be perceived as abusing a position of power and trust... But even that seemed ridiculous, come to think of it. Tilly was a true independent thinker; strong, hard-working and intelligent, who knew her own mind and wasn't scared about showing it – which was more than Jen could say about friends her own age, and her ex. The only 'abuse' Tilly could possibly level at Jen was her abuse of Tilly's trust – but her trust that Jen would stay true to her feelings for her and bravely stand against convention in order to be honest about it. Jen winced when she thought of all the times she'd led her on in the belief that she would stay true to their relationship and keep it safe, when in fact, at the slightest difficulty, she'd ditched it and bailed out. She was _such_ a coward, she knew. Tilly was, ironically, the mature one of the two of them.

Jen sighed again and flexed her fingers, a stray wisp of dark-brown hair falling across the side of her face, as she marked the last piece of coursework from the pile. Absent-mindedly, she pushed her hair back behind an ear before rising from the wooden chair, and started to clear everything away.

It was late again when she locked up and made her way back to Diane's flat from college. She was trying to save on petrol money which was why she was walking everywhere, and the campus was well-lit and open and felt perfectly safe, so she wasn't worried any more than instinct told her to be, and she had her spray in her bag and phone to hand anyway, just in case. She was thinking over the quality of the coursework she'd received and marked, marvelling at Bart's portfolio while she was walking, so she didn't see the figure at first, and when she did realise, it was too late to make a quick escape or divert her route home.

Tilly was sitting on the low wall to the side of the path leading into the village centre – the path Jen was walking down – and she now had no option but to continue past her in order to get to Diane's. To stop and turn back would be too obvious now, like making a major statement of insult, and in any case it would add, probably, an extra half an hour onto her journey time. No, there was nothing for it but to bite the bullet and continue. _Act normal_, Jen told herself, her heart in her mouth, fighting to burst out. _Calm down_...

Fighting the conflicting emotions within her, at every step forward she made, Jen marched onwards, outwardly appearing determined, controlled: steadfast. Yet every step she took towards Tilly felt more shaky than the last. As she neared her she deliberated whether to speed up or slow down. She expected Tilly to look up; to perhaps have already seen her; know she was there. But Tilly was so deeply in thought, staring at the ground between her feet, that a train could have steamed by and she'd have been none the wiser. Reluctantly, Jen realised, any first contact was going to have to come from her.

She neared. Still Tilly didn't look up at her. She stopped just in front of her. Still Tilly didn't look, didn't even seem aware of anyone nearby; she seemed so lost, so far away. Jen fought the urge to scoop her up in her arms and tell her she was loved and always would be. Instead, nervously, tentatively, Jen cleared her throat and spoke. "Hi Tilly." Still there was no response. "Tilly? Tilly, are you ok?" Jen moved in closer as she said the words and bent down towards her. "Tilly, it's me. It's J – "

"I know" the younger woman interrupted her quietly, simply. She looked up then, and Jen could see that she'd been crying. "I know, Jen. I'm fine. Thanks anyway." Then she looked away, her rosebud mouth fixed in place, her eyes hard.

Tilly's controlled, distant response threw Jen momentarily and she stood there doubtful of what to do next. So she sat down on the wall beside her, cautiously turning to look at her delicate profile. _Keep it light._ She told herself, and began again: "Well today's been another busy day, hasn't it? I bet you've had enough of all that studying, hey?" Tilly didn't respond; didn't even shrug. Jen tried again. "Bart's portfolio is amazing... I marked it today. He's looking at top marks, but it's no surprise really; he's really talented."

Looking down at the floor again, Tilly muttered a polite "Wow that's good for him" but didn't offer anything more.

"So how did your exams go? It was your last one today wasn't it? Are you going out celebrating?" Jen asked, smiling, her eyes searching Tilly's face for any kind of expression. It was as if she had just given up: Jen had never seen her like this before. She was starting to feel really worried about her. "Tilly – " she started, then stopped. There was just too much to say, and she was scared of saying the wrong thing. "Tilly, I – " she began again, hesitating.

"What do you want Jen?" Tilly looked up again; looked directly into her eyes; her tone business-like, almost cutting.

Once again her directness unbalanced Jen, who stumbled the beginning of a reply, her heart thudding from the clear tension between them, made worse because they were sitting there so near to each other. "I'm... I just... Oh Tilly!" she gave up.

"Well then, I guess I'd better get going" came Tilly's reply and with that, she stood up and turned to walk away.

"Tilly – " Jen spoke quietly. Tilly stopped, waiting, her back still towards Jen. Then she began to walk away. "Tilly, _please_!.." Jen called out. It was the urgency in her voice that made Tilly stop again and this time turn round to face her.

Tilly didn't recognise her own voice replying: it was so cold. "What's the point Jen? Really? It's _always_ going to be the same old story. _Every_ time it gets difficult, or something gets in the way, like your big glittering career, you're _always_ going to bail out. And leave me on my own to pick up the pieces, all over again. So really, what's the point? Don't you think I've had _enough_ of that?"

Jen's deep hazel eyes had darkened to near-black under the street lighting that had come on as the sun set lower and lower in the pink and orange sky. Now, in response to Tilly's words, they seemed to shine a fiery glint – of desperation perhaps? Or hurt? Tilly couldn't tell which. But whatever emotion they were betraying, they had an immediate effect on her. She saw how they searched her face, her own emerald eyes, and she saw how much longing there was deep within them, like bottomless, soulful pools she could so easily drown in... She felt dazed, wounded; ashamed of being so cold when Jen had only been friendly.

"I'm so sorry Tilly" Jen was saying; her words were barely audible, they were so quiet. Her voice cracked and she didn't even attempt to wipe away a tear when it fell onto her cheek. "I never wanted to hurt you, you mean too much to me... But I don't blame you for hating me." With that, she looked away, as if disgusted with herself, down at her hands which were restlessly picking at the hem of her top that lay across her lap.

Tilly felt herself melt a little. For a minute nothing was said, although a world of unspoken word_s _seemed to hang heavily in the air between them. Then Tilly looked down too, mirroring Jen, who looked utterly miserable. The younger woman nudged a small stone away with her foot and then shot a glance across at the older brunette who was still staring sadly at her hands. Yes, Tilly could see that Jen was suffering too, and her heart reached out to her: she didn't want that. It wasn't Jen's fault that she was her tutor; Jen didn't want any of this, just as much as she herself didn't. She cleared her throat. "I don't hate you" she replied quietly. Then she made a decision. She took a deep breath. There was something she needed Jen to know. "I miss you" she stated simply, decisively. "I really, really miss you." She paused briefly, before earnestly continuing. "...This is _killing_ me Jen. Every time I think I'm dealing with it okay and I've got used to it, I see you and I just want you all over again..."

Jen looked at her then. Her eyes, still soulful, still longing, seemed more at peace somehow. She gave Tilly a faint smile. "What are we like eh? My dad would say we need our heads knocking together." Tilly smiled. Jen sighed. "I can't do this anymore Tilly, I've got no fight left." She shrugged. She was looking directly at the younger woman now, her upturned face catching the light from the street lamp; her hazel eyes reflecting what was left of the sunset.

For a moment they just looked at each other. Then Tilly moved in closer, so that she was almost standing over Jen, who didn't make any attempt to move away or stand up; so that she was looking down at the brunette's upturned face and hazel eyes as Jen continued, not wanting to hold back anymore. "The truth is, its been the same for me... When I saw you this morning it brought it all back to me, yet again... Just how much you _mean_ to me... How much I _always_ want to touch you. _Every_ time I see you it _hurts_... in _here_..." Jen pressed her hand against her heart. "...and then I can't think of anything else for the rest of the day, or night..." she trailed off, her voice starting to crack again.

And then it happened.

It was so simple that it made everything, their separation over the past weeks; their heartache, seem so clumsy, so complicated – unnecessarily so. It was simple, and pure, and it felt so powerful, so tender, and so righ_t._

Tilly simply bent down and kissed her.

There was no resistance: Jen wanted it, needed it, just as much as Tilly did. The first contact felt electrifying to both of them; their lips were two sets of matching silk, both adoringly soft, sweet, but both surprisingly firm and determined, as the physical hunger both women felt for each other gave both of them an instinctive urgency, almost desperate in its need to touch, to taste... That first kiss, soulful, searching, led to many more, all of them equally earnest and searching; powerful and impatient but tender too. Both women instinctively reached for each other, holding each other's head so, so gently in their hands as if it was a treasure worth more than all the world; fingers and thumbs gently tracing rhythmical patterns, wave-like, across jaw lines and cheek bones, without breaking the connection of lips at all. After the first kiss they parted their lips to taste each other, for the first time giving in to the passion of the moment to explore the other's sweetness, which only made them hunger for more. It truly felt to them as if time had stopped still, like someone pressing pause on the world surrounding them, when the only thing they were remotely aware of was each other and the riot of emotions and sensations they were sharing together. All the hurt of separation, all the doubts of their situation, simply melted away and they felt, together, as though they moved as one person, one entity, one soul...

It was many minutes until they paused to catch their breath, by which time Jen had pulled Tilly towards her, into her, and onto her knee, her fingers tracing gentle dance patterns through the younger woman's hair, a look of fascinated wonder on her face as she watched the way the auburn thickness fell around her fingertips in its own seductive dance. As their lips pulled apart, both women smiled and relaxed into each other, all the tension of the past weeks, months, slipping away; the previous etched lines across Jen's eyes and mouth already smoothing out... Tilly carefully traced her fingers along Jen's slightly parted lips, as if drawing them, echoing Jen's sketch of Tilly's mouth that day at the hospital, which seemed so very long ago, and Jen shuddered slightly, almost imperceptibly, in response. Her breath was heavy and thick as she began to kiss Tilly's fingers while they brushed across her mouth and Tilly smiled and looked at Jen, searching out her eyes again. "So, Miss Gilmore, how would you grade that, hmm? Any better than the woeful six out of ten you graded our kiss on the beach, eh?"

Jen's smile widened. She loved it when Tilly teased her, full of confidence and energy and life. It made her want to throw her arms around her and squeeze her until she begged for release. She pretended to give the question some profound thought, resting her chin on the top of her closed fist like Rodin's statue of The Thinker she liked so much, and Tilly waited, smiling, with a look of mock haughtiness on her face, unable momentarily to tear her eyes away from Jen's smiling mouth, which she honestly believed she could kiss for eternity.

"Hmm..." Jen teased. "Let me _think_..." She winked at Tilly, who promptly slapped her arm lightly, in protest for the teasing. "_Ah_ yes... I would grade that at... a... _twenty_ out of ten? Perhaps _more_?" She smiled again and pulled her into her, suddenly needing to taste her again. But Tilly resisted, pushing her away, teasing, laughing.

"Oh _very_ generous marking Miss Gilmore. I seem to have made certain... _improvements_ then?" Jen grinned and pulled her in towards herself again. Laughing, Tilly added: "So... what _targets_ would you give me, to achieve my full potential?"

Impatient and hungry for her now, Jen murmured in response: "To keep practising your technique... perhaps _now_!" and Tilly had absolutely no problem with that.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

It wasn't long before they pulled apart; both women had become aware that the sky was now in its initial stages of blackness and it had become quite cold. Jen wrapped her coat around both of them, Tilly still sitting on her knee, leaning into her, and then she folded her arms around her younger companion protectively, wanting to keep her safe and not wanting to ever let her go. She kissed the top of her head – an uncomplicated, tender act of affection – as Tilly leaned back onto her warm, strong frame and nestled her own cool face into the warm hollow of Jen's neck, breathing-in her scent, sighing as she did so, at last at peace. They sat like that, motionless, savouring the moment of togetherness; feeling the now steady beat of each other's body, for a few more minutes until Tilly shivered slightly and Jen reluctantly broke the dreamy silence. "You're cold. We'd better head home... It's getting late and your friends will be wondering where you've got to..."

As if on cue Tilly's mobile started to buzz. She looked. It was Maddie, sure enough.

"...Apart from anything else, my bum's gone numb!" Jen added, grinning suddenly. They both laughed, bodies moving in unison.

"I don't want to go. I'd much rather stay here all night with you" Tilly mutter_ed_.

"I know," Jen replied, sighing, "But you can't. We'd freeze. And tomorrow's yet another day I've got to prepare work for and tomorrow I'm getting observed again, which is typical... I'm not sure I'll be able to concentrate particularly hard after... this!"

Tilly sat up and turned to look at her. "I'm sorry about all this Jen. I know how much is at stake for you, really I do. I always understood why you walked away last time, you know."

"Don't be sorry Tilly," Jen spoke softly, "_I'll_ never be sorry for having you in my life. If anything, you fire me up even more about Art and make me want to share it with everyone. You make me notice the beauty in everything, even more than I ever did." Tilly blushed. Jen continued. "I _know_ what matters now. I _know_ that I need more in my life than my Art and my career, Tilly, for it to mean enough. I know that I need _you_. It's as simple as that."

"But what about the risk you're putting all that under by being with me? Even just sitting here, now?"

Jen shrugged, tension moving back into her face. "It's not easy, it's true. I _am_ starting to feel more on-edge sitting here now... but I've just got to get on with things I guess, and hope for the best. I know now that I don't want to lose you again... so... we'll just have to find a way to make it work." She paused, thinking, then added "I do think you should stay away from me completely though, at college, because I don't trust myself around you at all. Look what happened the last time we tried seeing each other just as friends?..." she trailed off.

"Have you still got it? Do you still look at it?" Tilly asked, both of them knowing that she was, of course, referring to the Polaroid Esther had taken on Open Day that had made her unintentionally start the rumours.

"Of course I've still got it, I could never throw that away" Jen replied, "though I try not to look at it" she added. She thought she saw Tilly look a little crestfallen at that, so explained herself further. "It upsets me to see it" she shrugged, "because it's the reason why I had to walk away and leave you and that was so very hard for me to do. I don't want to do that, ever again. It's been horrible being apart from you... So. We'll just have to be sensible about it. No contact at all on campus, maybe not even in town... but I guess we could take the occasional day trip away. We could arrange it by text, I could pick you up from an agreed place and we could escape somewhere for the day – somewhere we could just be ourselves, free from all... this." Tenderly, she pushed part of Tilly's fringe back behind her ear, her fingers lingering gently on her cheek, drawing a line up to her temple and down her jaw line while her eyes fixed on Tilly's mouth.

"Do you mean, like the beach?" Tilly answered, eagerly.

Jen broke her gaze to look at her and smiled. "Yeah why not? Hey, that could actually be our first trip away. You know I want to go back to the Gormleys at high tide when they're partly under water, so I can add to my sketches and get more ideas... You could come with me again? We could leave early, take some lunch, some tea even, and spend the whole day there just the two of us. What do you think? We had... good fun... last time, didn't we?" Jen's eyes shone at the memory of their first kiss. They were mirrored by the shine in Tilly's as she remembered too.

"That sounds absolutely amazing Jen!" Tilly replied, beaming, and the two of them kissed, lightly, easily, before Tilly slid off her knee and pulled the older woman up off the wall, who protested of a numb bottom and aching back, to Tilly's giggles, and which only served to make her the subject of jokes to do with pensioners, and sagging things, and old age – much to her own amusement too.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Later that evening, after Jen had finished her lesson preparations and felt as ready as she was ever going to feel about her observation, she found herself texting Tilly for the first time in a long time. This wasn't something she was worried about doing anymore, since they'd both agreed to change their contact names on their phones to a random initial and numbers, just in case anyone picked up their phone when it buzzed or could see over their shoulder or something. So she knew that she was A223 – which would mean nothing to anyone and would certainly not link the texts to her. Even so, her habit of caution still made her hold back slightly because, well, you never knew did you?..

"_**Hey beautiful, can't stop thinking about u, even tho I'v managed 2do all my work, ha! But just want2 hold u/touch u/kiss u..! Hope ur havin fun with ur friends (but not toooo much without me – u'd betr not C sm1 else u'd rather b with!) ;- Sleep tight. Night night xxx"**_

She cringed a little at the cheesiness of it and hoped it didn't look too needy or clichéd, but then sent it anyway; life was too short for missed opportunities, after all.A reply was instant in coming and she eagerly flipped her phone to see who it was from. G446. She smiled as she read it...

"_**Hey, beautiful urself! Glad u got ur work done – Me? Went out with the guys 4 some serious dancing (u'v given me this amazing energy!) but all I really wanted 2do was go bk home so I cd dream about u tbh – soz if that sounds soppy but its true. Can't stop thinking about u either – ur eyes/ur lips/ur hands on me... ok enough already! Good luck 4 tmro, hope it goes well, I'll b thinking of u. All... day... long...! Sweet dreams ;-) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx"**_

Jen quickly pressed a capital X and sent it in response, even though what she really wanted to do was keep texting long seductive messages to her... Well, actually, she could think of a few other things that she really wanted to do to her, with her... but she knew she'd be no good for her observation if she was up all night fantasising... It was going to be hard enough to try to settle down to some quality sleep as it was! So regretfully, when she got the reply back of a long line of kisses, she resisted the urge to continue and switched her phone onto silent, climbed into bed and switching off her bedside lamp, turned onto her slim, athletic side and snuggled down deep into the duvet. Her dark, brunette hair, almost black, fanned out across her pillow in a pool of silk and her deeply beautiful hazel eyes began to close... Her body was tired, very tired, from the powerful and conflicting emotions it had experienced, which now seemed much calmer thankfully – as long as she didn't allow her mind to dwell on a particular auburn-haired, emerald-eyed student...

Jen was usually very good at self-discipline; Tilly seemed to be her only weakness. But that night she was determined to... sleep! And to sleep _well_, waking up in the morning fully refreshed and raring to go. Yet in spite of her body's heavy tiredness, she could already feel that extra raw energy Tilly had mentioned in her text. Yes, she too felt completely full of it; it was spreading through her perfectly toned body like warm, healing honey, strengthening her muscles, her joints, which she flexed so, so, gently as she felt herself sink slowly down into sleep... Tomorrow, she could tell, was going to be a wonderful day.

As the night drifted onwards towards the moment when the very first fingertips of sunlight began again to trace their way across the dark sky in unhurried patterns, in their own rhythmical waltz, both women lay entwined in a deep refreshing sleep of a quality neither had felt in a very long time... Both of them lay wrapped inside their bedding, which surrounded each one of them like giant padded arms in an eternal embrace... and both of them lay with their face half-hidden, half-buried, searchingly, into their pillow. On one side of town, in one bed, a dark brunette pool of silk lay across the pillow; its owner's beautiful silken face resting dreamily; her lithe body still and peaceful; her soft lips held in a gentle, satisfied smile of wonderment and peace... On the other side of town, another bed held a fiery auburn fan of thicker silky curls across its pillow; once again, its owner's beautiful silken face, though paler, lay dreamily resting; her lips, like an exotic sultry rosebud of silk, slightly parted in another gentle smile of satisfied peace...

Finger-trails of sunlight started to trace brighter pathways and brushstrokes in unhurried patterns across the canvas of the dawn sky... as the clouds drifted dreamily across, and the world turned, and turned...

Tomorrow was going to be a sunny day.

For both of them.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

A pleasant day, it certainly seemed it was going to be. Of course, it helped that it was the start of the weekend, with all the promise of freedom it carried... As the newborn day made its presence felt, warming the rooftops and windows across town, Jen found herself stirring from the most relaxing sleep she'd had in a very long time. She allowed herself the luxury of lying there, stretching and flexing her body, enjoying its warm cocoon and silky softness while she smiled up at the ceiling.

Her thoughts were all about Tilly. She could still taste the minty freshness of her mouth with its under-taste of fruitiness, which, mixed with her floral scent and luscious rosebud lips, made it impossible for Jen to ever want anything else. She could still feel the beautiful softness of her skin and the silky texture of it against her lips when she'd brushed them along its contours... She could still feel the warm, beating life-force of Tilly against her own body when she'd pulled her into her; when she'd been sitting on top of her; when she was leaning into her... the sensual closeness of her nose, mouth, chin, when she'd nestled into the crook of Jen's shoulder... the fluttering, thudding rhythm of their heartbeats and pulses, as they kept in time, rhythmically matching each other, finally slowing to a steady pattern of peace after that sensual session of kissing...

Had that really only been last night? It had seemed to Jen that the moment they had begun to kiss, in long, lingering motions; the moment they had begun to properly explore each other, in a reaching-out of pliable mouths, lips, tongues, it was the moment when she'd felt a touching of their very souls. Intertwining. Caressing delicate patterns of emotion – some so subtle, so fragile, they bound both women to each other in a mutual, almost spiritual, bond that could not be easily shaken. Jen knew it seemed almost childish to think like this about the connection she felt to Tilly, but she couldn't help it. It seemed simple now. Being with Tilly, and feeling her move with her, because of her, beneath her caressing, kissing touch... well, it felt like coming home. She found it hard to believe it had only been last night, and that they'd only known each other for a matter of weeks, because, to Jen, it felt like Tilly had always been there with her. Tilly felt like a part of her now, like some kind of essential inner organ that Jen needed in order to breathe... It made Jen feel in awe of her, and yet Tilly seemed to have no idea about the hold she had over her. Everything about her: her innocence, her optimism, her forthrightness, was what Jen wanted to protect and look after, more than anything.

Jen had never felt anything like this before. And she'd had her fair share of encounters – some who'd been far more sophisticated... But this was different, she knew. This was real, in a way that _none_ of the others ever had been. Jen knew that, yes, she may try to hide herself from it, or not accept it in her mind, at panicked moments when it all felt too overwhelming and when she felt as though she was living on a cliff-edge between her career and its daily stresses and the strong urges she felt inside her, but even when she was in self-denial, her heart, her breath, her pulse... her fingers and palms; her body and limbs; her lips and mouth... her very _bones_ knew the truth: she was in love with her. Completely. She'd known it at that first outing, from the time it had taken from their first kiss on the beach to the moment she'd dropped her off outside the S. U. Bar – although she'd refused to allow herself to recognise it then. And in spite of her shock at discovering Tilly's age on the day of the college fire, she'd felt that feeling of wonder and love only strengthen after spending just minutes with Tilly as they'd waited outside the hospital, when she'd sketched the detailed contours of her mouth. Jen could even pinpoint the very moment when she'd become suddenly aware of it and its potency – immediately so – it was when she'd been showing Tilly the magical expression of hands, when she'd held her hand and stroked across its palm to show Tilly how it represented beauty. Jen had touched her then with a tenderness that had surprised even her. _That_ was when time had stopped still for Jen. She hadn't been _able_ to look away, even had she wanted to. She'd felt herself mesmerised by Tilly's presence... by her mouth. Yes. She knew. She loved the student, _her_ student, in a way she had never loved anyone ever before...

And the best thing about it now...? She smiled distractedly to herself. ...was that Tilly wanted her too. Jen didn't doubt that anymore, not after last night. You didn't shiver like that at someone's gentle touch if they didn't mean something to you. And Tilly had clearly, lovingly, responded; been instantly affected, by Jen's hands on her smooth warm skin, and by Jen's tongue gently probing hers, and Jen's lips tracing delicate lines across her beautiful rosebud ones...

Jen's smile, relaxed and peaceful, widened somewhat. She loved the fact that she seemed to affect Tilly in powerful ways too. After all, it was only fair. Tilly had _always_ had a strong effect on _her_! Even when she'd bumped into her by accident, on her way to class, running late, knocking papers to the floor... Even then, when Jen had picked them up for her and handed them to her, all it had taken was for Tilly to brush her fingers lightly across Jen's whilst looking directly into her eyes at an upturned angle from beneath her auburn fringe, and Jen had momentarily lost herself completely. She had fallen into Tilly's emerald eyes, sinking willingly into their beautiful oblivion, as her heart fluttered; the pit of her stomach suddenly ached, and her entire body suddenly moved immediately to high alert: every part of it throbbing wildly! It was no wonder Jen had jumped when Maddie had opened the door looking for Tilly. It was all she could manage to do to move away as quickly as possible, clearly flustered by her emotions and the way her body was misbehaving itself in defiance at her pathetic attempts at self-control. And that had been _it_ for the rest of the morning – Jen had not been able to concentrate on _anything_ after that... So, yes, she was glad she had some effect on Tilly. Last night had been a turning point for them both, Jen felt sure. For the first time Jen had been able to _feel_ Tilly's reactions to her. She had felt her fluttering heartbeats and her quickening breaths at every intense touch she had made on her skin... and when she had pushed, gently, her tongue into hers and used it to explore her mouth in taste and texture...

The intensity of the memory was so strong it made Jen shudder slightly too, as her own heart skipped a beat and the pit of her stomach surged and dropped a little in a heightened state of delicious tension. Jen could feel her body waiting, anticipating, hungrily, its next encounter with Tilly. She was glad that she'd impressed upon Tilly how important it was for her to stay away from her completely at college: there was absolutely no way on earth now that Jen could ever trust herself to resist the younger woman _at all_, on _any_ level, in public, without her body giving her away! She was _sure_ it would be obvious to anyone looking...

She deliberately tensed her limbs and joints, held them taut; hands clenched into fists; her breath held-in tight, and then she released everything, in a bid to force the tension out of her body once more. _It's okay_. She thought to herself reassuringly, calming herself. _It's all fine... No one knows apart from the two of us and we can keep it that way easily enough until my placement ends. Not long now, anyway..._ It worked. Jen could feel herself slowly relaxing again. Perhaps it was better to _not_ think about touching Tilly, stroking her skin... tasting her... _Stop it_! She told herself firmly, still smiling brightly, feeling eager for the day ahead.

She stretched again, and yawned, feeling that all was well with the world at last, and enjoyed watching the childish sunlight play its way into the room, a faint whispering of the leaves of the beech tree outside barely audible in the gentle breeze. What a wonderful day to go and see the sea again, she thought suddenly, and smiled to herself again. She wondered if Tilly had made plans for the day...

Just then her ear vibrated. She retrieved her silent phone from where she'd stashed it, under her pillow, and opened it to read the message just sent. She grinned. Excellent! So Tilly had had the same idea! Well then, why not? She texted back immediately – she did consider calling to speak to her, just so she could hear her lovely voice, but it was too dangerous: Sinead's room was on one side of hers and Diane's was on the other and the walls were paper thin. Anyway, Tilly knew that, so texting was fine. They agreed a place for pick up, and a time, and what to take; their texts relaying more of a focus on practicalities than any emotional or suggestive comments, much to Jen's impatience, but she used her frustration and eagerness at seeing Tilly again to her advantage: in next to no time she was up, showered, dressed, and applying her make-up, though taking extra care when appraising her appearance because she wanted to make an effort and look nice for her.

Diane wasn't at all surprised to see Jen up and about to leave so early: she was renowned for frequently getting up ridiculously early, either to watch a sunrise, or to walk in to college long before it opened, in order to do some work. Diane often worried that she worked far too hard and would burn herself out, but she'd given up trying to make the student-teacher see sense. "Morning Jen, you're up bright and early again. So, got any nice plans for the day? You look like a woman on a mission! Would you like some bacon and egg? If you wait a few minutes I'll get it on..." She stood up from the table and wrapped her dressing-gown around her on her way over to the fridge.

Jen laughed. Diane didn't half like to talk; she could never get a word in. "No thanks Diane, I'm off out early to do some sketching while the sun's still fresh. Makes a difference to the light, you know, for colours and shadows. I'll just grab a slice of toast and eat on the go thanks."

Diane turned and sighed, thinking that Jen should take better care of herself. "Well you know what you want to do, pet. Here, this slice has just popped, so have this if you're in a hurry."

Jen smiled and thanked her, quickly buttering the slice and holding it in her mouth while she grabbed her keys and her big shoulder bag. She'd pick up something nice they could eat from the shop, but she was impatient to go now. So with that, and with a wave and a "Bye, see you later" over her shoulder to Diane, Jen hurried out. Even walking, as fast as she was going, didn't seem fast enough – she was so impatient to meet Tilly. Her entire body was impatient, her heart and pulse already throbbing wildly, as she threw her bag onto the back seat of the blue jeep and climbed in. _What_ a day it was going to be!


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

At the same time that Jen had been dreamily reliving and remembering kissing her beautiful student companion, on the other side of town, in another bedroom, as the newborn day made its presence felt warming the window and the fresh, child-like sunlight played teasingly around the edges of the blinds to draw jigsaw lines across her wall and ceiling, Tilly also lay smilingly awake, caressing the soft, warm duvet quilt with fingers and toes. She also stretched and yawned; her body fully rested and at peace after a wonderfully deep sleep.

She'd woken later than Jen, although she wasn't to know that, but just as Jen's waking thoughts had been centred on her, so hers were all about Jen. Tilly could not stop remembering the feel of the older brunette against her skin and lips and mouth, and she didn't think that she would _ever_ fail to be hypnotised by her soulfully searching hazel eyes. Just as Jen was reliving the night before, so Tilly also remembered the sensations of it all... Jen's mouth on hers had been heavenly: silken and soft, pliable and breathless, and the taste of her, so sweet with a muskiness to it that was blissful to savour, had left her feeling impatient for more. And then there was her tongue... urgent but gentle, expressively drawing secretive swirls along the tip and the top and the sides of her own, which had made everything inside her feel ready to explode...

Jen most certainly _was_ an artist, Tilly mused to herself, because every time she'd touched her, with her hands, and her lips, and her tongue, it had felt as though she'd been carefully drawing patterns of sensation across Tilly's entire body, as if creating something unique and magical... It had left Tilly weak, exhausted, but forever hungry for her. And it had made her feel so very, very special, as if she was something incredibly precious to her. Jen had made her insides melt into a warm, luscious, yearning sensation which, even now, simply in memory, had the potency to make her shake suddenly, and shudder ever so slightly...

For someone who had always been very business-like and organised and sensible, not prone to daydreams or fantasies, this was a completely new experience for Tilly. It left her feeling on fire with longing. She couldn't stop herself from wondering about what it would be like to have Jen as a lover – what it would feel like to go all the way with the beautiful brunette... If last night's kissing sensations were anything to go by, it would be completely and utterly out of this world! It was clear that Jen was experienced: she seemed to know exactly what to do to pleasure her and make her feel alive, on fire, electrified in bliss...and yet part of the beauty of her caresses seemed to be an inherent shyness and caution too, as though Jen also felt vulnerable and new to this, even though Tilly knew she wasn't. Tilly felt completely safe with her, and completely trusted her with any physical union they shared, without a shred of doubt. If anything, it was Tilly who felt as though _she_ was pushing the boundaries with her, wanting more from her, wanting to get further with her than Jen seemed to allow. It was as if Jen had an unspoken, private limit as to how far she thought it was appropriate to take things with Tilly... which, if Tilly was honest with herself, just made her more frustrated, and more determined to push the limits with her, if she could. And that was such an out-of-character thing for her to do, it was almost shocking.

Tilly thought about this for a moment, a playful smile spreading across her rosy lips, and concluded that she liked the way Jen's effect on her pushed her previous inhibitions and shyness to make her want to lose all boundaries and restrictions with _her_. Yes, she wanted to do anything, and everything, with her beautiful, talented tutor. If only she'd let her. Yet Tilly could feel that things between them had already changed so much from last night. Their heartfelt relationship – and if nothing else, last night had certainly proved that they had something like that – had overnight developed into something _much_ more intense and serious. Tilly couldn't wait for their next meeting...

With that in mind, she picked up her phone and sent Jen a _"Good morning"_ text which also suggested they meet up and make something of the day. Tilly was free now; her exams were finished, and so, with the day looking to be a warm, summery one, it seemed a waste not to make the most of it. The Gormley statues called to her... Tilly felt an urgent wish to revisit them with Jen as soon as possible. Only this time it was in the full knowledge of who they both really were and how they made each other feel; how much they both meant to each other. She could imagine setting up a picnic on the beach in a private, concealed spot amidst the sand dunes and grasses not far from the sea, where the two of them could properly be a relaxed couple: holding hands; sharing their space in a close, trusting familiarity; truly free from discovery or prejudice.

She smiled when she read Jen's reply. She was thrilled Jen thought it was a good idea too, and rose from her warm covers; her fiery auburn hair tousled from sleep; her eyes bright, and eager, and intense. She couldn't wait to see Jen's blue jeep pull up around the corner; she had _so_ much she wanted to share with her; just being in her company made the world brighter, more colourful: more special somehow... She practically skipped into the bathroom, singing as she did so, for the first time she could remember in ages.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

It wasn't long before Tilly was ready and waiting outside, shielding her eyes from the eager sun as she kept a lookout for Jen's jeep. She'd showered and dressed quickly, skilfully throwing together a pretty ensemble of clothes: skirt; no tights for once (She wanted no barriers from Jen's touch); wide-strapped linen top, which bared her shoulders for once and was patterned with delicate flowers and ivy leaves that traced their way across the fabric and accentuated her natural curves; matching head-band and sandals and cotton cardigan, all in complementary hues of purples or pinks or both... She'd wanted to look summery and fresh and feminine for Jen and she knew how much Jen found the natural world, like leaves and flowers, attractive – although it was only by chance that her choice of clothes, and colours, made her own rosebud lips even more eye-catching. She was unaware of how truly attractive she looked and had she known, and understood the way her sultry mouth called to Jen and made her powerless, she would have been even more impatient to see her. If that was possible.

But where was she? What was taking so long? Was she having second thoughts again?

Tilly was restlessly pacing up and down the pavement at the corner of the street, when she looked across the road and saw George walking up with Phoebe. She dived behind the bus stop beside her, before he'd had chance to see her, and then she saw Jen's blue jeep drive past without stopping, not even slowing down, and turn into the next road as though doing a loop. _Now _she understood. A minute later her phone buzzed. Jen's voice was breathless on the other end.

"Tilly? Did they see you? Can you still get away?" She paused. "...Do you still want to do this?" She sounded doubtful, critical again of them being together. Tilly felt her frustration rise and controlled a sudden reaction to shout out her desperation at her, instead measuring her tone, knowing that Jen simply needed reassuring.

"Hey it's okay Jen, calm down, no, no one saw me. I'm hiding behind the bus stop. Don't be freaked. Of _course_ I want to do this – don't you? " She didn't wait for an answer. "Shall I come to you? Are you parked in the next street? I saw you turn in there."

"Yes I'm parked here. Look, I think we should..." She stopped. "Nevermind. Ok... But I can only wait here a minute longer. _Hurry_ Tilly!" Jen urged, sounding momentarily fraught.

Tilly wasted no time. She hurried down the pavement, almost in a run, away from the road where George and Phoebe were, careful to keep the bus stop as a barrier between them. She turned the corner, almost running, and then rounded the next one to complete three sides of a square loop around the houses.

The blue jeep was waiting, engine running, facing her. She couldn't see Jen's face above the steering wheel, but assumed she'd be stressing out. Her face was hidden behind the sun visor and the windscreen which mirrored the bright blue sky, with its clean white clouds drifting past. So she didn't see the way Jen's hazel eyes shone as soon as she saw Tilly turn the corner and hurry towards her. She didn't see the way they looked at her, the affection that lay there, and she didn't see the way Jen's face coloured slightly in an involuntary blush at the emotion she felt as she ran her eyes across Tilly's body, noticing its contours as they were emphasised subtly by her choice of outfit and by the lilting way she moved.

Tilly expected Jen to be flustered because of the danger they were in at being seen like this together, and when she opened the jeep's door and got in she found she was right, Jen _did_ look flustered – but it wasn't _all_ because of that.

"Hi" Tilly said, out of breath from running, catching Jen's gaze as she sat down, heart thudding.

"Hi" Jen replied lightly, a broad smile on her lips now, in spite of the nerves: she was _so_ pleased to see her. Jen's hazel eyes searched Tilly's emerald ones briefly, earnestly, before she remembered herself, and the risk of the moment, and glanced quickly in the rear-view mirror.

She pulled away just in time, only seconds before she saw George and Phoebe turn down the same street behind them. Eyes on the road ahead, she exhaled a long sigh of release. Until then she'd been unaware she'd even been holding her breath! "Phew. _That_ was close!" she muttered to Tilly, who waited for Jen's classic, frustrated, self-critical speech about their being together being so wrong, and so dangerous... But it didn't come. Instead, she shot her a sideways glance and asked "You okay?" then grinned at Tilly's own extended exhalation of breath. "Living dangerously, eh?" Jen added, still smiling, eyes now back on the road. "Ah well, sit back and relax. We're safe now. We've the _whole_ day, all to _ourselves_" and her smile widened even more as she felt Tilly's presence beside her, feeling for all the world that she was consumed in happiness and peace.

Tilly felt it too – that contentment at being in the same exact space as someone who means the world to you – as though there was no other world outside the warmth of the jeep. She sank back into the passenger seat. She closed her eyes. At that moment the jeep had to stop at traffic lights on its way out of Chester and while it was stationary for a brief moment Jen leaned across and pressed a light, loving kiss on the bridge of Tilly's nose. "Missed you" she whispered, thinking how beautiful the young woman looked with her eyes closed beside her. Tilly's eyelids fluttered but stayed closed and she let out a sighing answer: "Missed you too", smiling as she did so. Her smile mirrored Jen's as the blue jeep cruised its way seawards.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

They got lost again, just like last time, much to Tilly's amusement.

"Well I _told_ you I was rubbish at directions!" Jen said, laughing again.

"It doesn't take a _genius_! It's not rocket science!" Tilly scolded playfully, unknowingly echoing her comments from the last time.

"It doesn't matter anyway," Jen continued, nose in the air, feigning aloofness, "I know _you're_ an expert. I'm at your mercy. I'm _completely_ in your _hands_!" She winked at her suggestively, eyes sparkling wickedly at the obvious innuendo. Then she reached out suddenly to touch Tilly's shoulder. "Tag! Can't catch me!" and ran off down a sand dune, giggling like a child. Tilly couldn't help but laugh out loud.

"_Who's_ the grown-up here?" she called out, before running after her, grinning.

Jen was a fast runner! Her lithe body swept down and across the dunes onto the flatter sand below in no time at all. She moved so gracefully, effortlessly... But as Tilly neared she changed her movements into a silly, galloping dance, dodging this way and that, giggling as she went. She looked so funny that Tilly had to stop, doubled over with a stitch from laughing so much.

Jen stopped to look where Tilly was and, delighted with the effect she'd had, let out a loud guffaw which wasn't at all ladylike or sophisticated. Then she too, bent over, pausing to catch her breath which was now coming in loud puffs. "Ow... Ah. Got a stitch..." she said in between puffs, still laughing.

Before she was ready Tilly ran at her, catching her on her elbow and then racing off in an exaggerated skipping run. "Tag!" she shouted back over her shoulder, gleeful at the head start she had.

"Right! _That's_ it!" Jen shouted back, meaning business, and dropped her bag off her shoulder onto the sand, determined now, to get her.

Tilly giggled continuously – she couldn't help it – Jen looked so funny coming at her like some predatory wild animal – she was even holding out her hands in mock claw-like actions, now pretending to growl...

The two of them ended up in a heap on the floor, near to Jen's bag, at the base of yet another sand dune, completely out of puff and both helpless with laughter.

"You... rugby tackled me! I can't _believe_ it!" Tilly accused her, in-between breathless laughs, pretending to be shocked.

"Well _you_ asked for it matey!" Jen answered, still laughing too. That set Tilly off into another fit of giggles.

"Matey? Did you just call me _matey_? Ha ha... Who the hell says _matey_? What _are_ you? Like, a _hundred_ years old or something? ...Next you'll be saying things are _grand_, and calling me _dearie_! Ha ha ha..."

Playfully, Jen glared for a moment and then launched herself on top of Tilly, pushing her to the ground, tickling her to make her beg for mercy. "Take that back!" she demanded laughingly.

Tilly wriggled beneath her, putting up a momentary struggle of independence; pretending to fight her off while Jen wrestled her arms to the sandy floor and used her own strong body to pin her down, her sandy legs moving across her, straddling her just below her waist.

Jen sat there, looking down at her, chuckling to herself, as their intertwined hands still struggled for victory... gradually slowing down their fight until they were just held together in affection. With smiles still on their lips, the cheeky glint in the eyes of both women calmed gradually until they were looking deeply at each other.

Time itself seemed to pause in an eternal intake of breath... Then slowly, silently, Tilly leaned her head further back into the sand, causing her body to arch its shoulders ever so slightly, exposing more of her neck.

Jen needed no further invitation. Instinctively, without thinking, without hesitating, she leaned forward over Tilly's neck line to gaze unblinkingly into her eyes, her nose ever closer, finally touching Tilly's as her mouth sought-out hers. Jen's hazel eyes closed while she kissed her gently, lingering on her lips. When she drew back they both opened their eyes in time to watch each other's expression, which in both cases was an urgent, passionate, secretive request for more. So Jen moved her mouth in again, this time planting a harder, more forceful kiss on her lips which Tilly responded to immediately, with the same ferocity, pushing back at Jen's mouth with the same passion.

"God, I want you! _So_ much!" Jen whispered, her breath ragged, her mouth still on Tilly's.

"Come get me then" Tilly whispered seductively back, opening her eyes to look hard at Jen to show her she was more than serious, "I'm _all_ yours..."

Jen's urgent mouth found hers again, equally urgent; their lips locking together to form a silken seal; their tongues caressing each other, one moment drawing delicious patterns across each other with their tip – the next moment locking into each other in a suction that seemed like drinking-in nectar. At the same time that tongues were entwined and heart beats were hammering, Tilly's hands reached up beneath the veil of Jen's hair as it hung forward over her, to feel the sides of Jen's face and mouth, as it moved on hers, and Jen's hands reached down, and up again, to feel beneath the veil of Tilly's top and stroke loving caresses across and up the bare skin of her stomach. Tilly caught her breath.

Still kissing, mouths and tongues not breaking apart, Jen teased her fingers under the base of Tilly's bra and effortlessly lifted it above her breasts where it lay, unprotesting, as her fingers spanned-out to feel the slight fullness of each one, exploring their shape and texture in circular, rhythmical, movements up to their peaks which she stroked gently until they stiffened. Tilly groaned, moving her hands through Jen's hair to behind Jen's head in order to pull her further into her. "I want you Jen... I want you _all over_ me." Tilly whispered, breaking the seal of their mouths to speak, only to find Jen's lips again with such a force that it stunned her.

At that, Jen shifted her position to wrap her hands underneath Tilly's back to pull her closer to her as she moved her head down to kiss her stomach, using her nose and lips to draw a circle around her naval and then a sensual line up to her breasts where she nudged her nose across and around each nipple before holding each one, one at a time, in her mouth while she played her tongue across it, finishing each in a silken, sucking, kiss.

"Oh...my...God..." Tilly whispered shakily, her hands and arms now stretching up behind her head, her legs trembling, the space up between her thighs aching, now, with a longing she'd never felt so powerfully before. "Please... Please, Jen..."

Jen immediately broke off her mouth's contact to look at Tilly, concerned, at which Tilly almost screamed a whispered plea, begging for release.

"Oh, Tilly – are you sure?" Jen whispered softly, anxious not to hurt, protective of her, searching her face.

"Please Jen... don't stop! I'm _begging_ you!" came the frenzied, whispered reply.

Smiling gently, knowingly, eyes sultry and dark with emotion, Jen shifted her position again, moving down Tilly's body slightly, her hands moving now, still underneath her body but moving down her back to pass over and across her bottom, slowly, sensually, to the base of her buttocks, before bringing them back to the front again, tracing a line over her groin to nestle at the top of her inner thighs. She lowered her head again to kiss those inner thighs, her hands momentarily reaching up to grasp Tilly's, intertwining with them in an act of trust and reassurance.

At that point, Jen seemed to struggle with herself in terms of what she wanted to do. She knew she wanted to _taste_ Tilly, and use her mouth to send her into waves of ecstasy, but she didn't think Tilly was ready for that vulnerability, so she opted for...the magical expression of her hands instead... Her touch was gentle, and loving, and soft, and the rhythmical sensual patterns, applied with just the right amount of pressure, in totally the right places, made Tilly lose herself completely, in a hot, hazy heaven of liquid softness the likes of which she had never, ever, known existed before. Jen's warm, wet fingers slightly inside her, so, so, gentle, were her intimate promise of love, as she tenderly reassured her in repeated, melting kisses on her mouth which Tilly urgently reciprocated, both women shaking slightly.

It affected them both in its intensity and passionate release, leaving them both clinging to each other; Jen's body on fire with emotion and sensations which ebbed and flowed throughout her in time with her racing heart; Tilly's body, throbbing deliciously, though slowly subsiding until it was, exhausted, satiated, at last, at peace.

They lay there entwined, catching their breath, hidden from a direct view of the rest of the beach by the large clumps of grasses from some of the lower-lying, smaller sand dunes that surrounded them. Jen had immediately made sure that Tilly was properly covered-up, discrete and appropriately private, as always, so that both women looked quite decent, if anyone stumbled across them – which was highly unlikely in any case.

So they lay there entwined, arms wrapped around each other in a complete embrace; legs and bodies touching, eyes closed – Tilly's, because she was starting to drop into a contented sleep; Jen's, because she was fighting to calm herself into a more relaxed, albeit heightened, peace, of sorts.

_So... there __**is**__ such a thing as heaven on earth, after all... _was the last thing Tilly remembered thinking, as she fell asleep in Jen's sandy arms... as the faint, refreshing sea breeze stroked the sand grasses in a light dance... the clean white clouds drifted lazily across the bright blue sky... and the gulls called out to one another from the distant surf.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

The sketches came easily. The quality of the light was good and the tide was in, lapping against the statues in a quiet, off-beat rhythm that could occasionally be heard beneath the rush and swell of the small, breaking waves which reached high-up on the sands. The colours and textures were varied and vibrant and the patterns of the clouds, which had speeded-up in a slight increase of sea-breeze, made small passing shadows on everything, in turn making the statues altogether more interesting. If you squinted your eyes, Jen thought to herself, the shadows almost made them appear to move.

She felt more motivated than she remembered ever being in recent weeks, although motivation wasn't usually a problem for her because she took so much delight and inspiration from the world around her, often wanting to capture a moment visually and then experiment with it. Today's moment was one she most definitely wanted to capture: there was no better inspiration than seeing Tilly moving beneath her, because of her, she mused wistfully. She glanced across at the sleeping body to her left, taking-in once again its beautiful shape as it lay curled into itself, its smooth undulations seemingly matching those of the sand dunes surrounding it. She sighed, relaxed at last from the calming concentration of sketching marks on paper.

She'd held Tilly in her arms for a prolonged time, protective, admiring, watching her slight movements in sleep before moving her gently to retrieve her arms so she could make the most of the morning to work on her preliminary artwork while Tilly slept. She _had_ deliberated whether or not to wake her so she could see all this beauty of light and colour and shadow, but decided that she needed to rest. In any case, if her drawings were good enough she should be able to recreate the view and textures on paper for her to see anyway.

She allowed herself one more look across at her, momentarily mesmerised by the regular rise and fall of her breathing. Tilly scrunched-up her nose in sleep briefly, suddenly, before relaxing again – an act which made Jen melt a little and want to move over to where she lay and kiss her nose, but she resisted. She still had lots to do and if she could do it while Tilly was asleep it would mean she could spend longer with her, just enjoying her company, when she was awake. Anyway, she wanted to set up a picnic to surprise her when she woke up... Just two more sketches and then she'd get started on it...

As always, when Jen was sketching and capturing the moment, she was fully engrossed in its effect. So she was unaware that Tilly stirred, and stretched, and lay there watching her. The morning seemed to stretch-out too, its very breeze and sunlight and movement yawning their way towards lunchtime, so it seemed as though both women had been there, relaxing, dozing, surrounded by the regular breathing sounds of waves against shore, for many hours longer than they actually had. It felt so restful, so sensual, and so... free! It wasn't until Jen's vision was suddenly barred with two hands across her eyes, making her jump, that she knew Tilly was even awake.

"Guess who?" came the light, younger voice mischievously, whispering closely in her ear. Jen smiled.

"Hmm... I wonder? ...Hi"

"Hi" the voice replied softly, caressingly. Jen began to turn. "No, don't" the voice continued, still whispering, "I want to give you something first. Close your eyes."

Jen closed her eyes, her smile broader now. Then she shuddered involuntarily, surprised at herself, when a linear pattern of soft kisses stroked a pathway down the side of her neck; Tilly deliberately brushing her lips across Jen's velvet skin in an intoxicating graze. "Tilly – " Jen whispered softly to herself.

Smiling at the effect she was having on her, Tilly moved the silky brunette hair to the side, catching the dancing light as it moved in the sun, and then she began again, this time using her partly open mouth to graze along the back of Jen's neck as if it was a paintbrush, drawing on her skin the waves of the sea.

Jen was surprised by Tilly's confidence and forwardness. Her touch was sensual and explorative, almost daring, and suggestive of someone much older and more experienced than she was. Jen arched her back in response, breathing heavily, rapidly, and turned her head away slightly to allow Tilly more access to her neck and shoulder. When she felt the younger woman's legs on either side of her and the gentle touch of her breasts resting against her back as Tilly sat closely behind, her body tensed in anticipation. She let out small sighs, and jumped slightly at the coldness of Tilly's hands as they reached beneath her clothes and explored her, moving around to the front of her, drawing mischievous patterns from her collar bone and around her breasts and down her stomach to play across her lower abdomen until Jen lost control again in another surprising spasm of reaction. She couldn't believe it – what _was_ this girl doing to her? How could she have _such_ control over her? Then, finally allowing herself to let go of her barriers of shocked expectation, she leaned back against her, once more allowing her access – though this time to the erogenous space between her legs, which yearned... Tilly stroked her there, and at the same time kissed the side of her face seductively, playfully, stroking her slowly at first but increasing the rate and speed of her fingers until Jen could bear no more. She gasped and uncontrollably let out a loud moan as her body climaxed and shook. Tilly held her shaking body tightly, arms moving up to wrap around her, anchoring her back to earth, and she continued to hold her for many minutes after, until she felt Jen's racing heart begin to subside. The older woman let out a prolonged and shaky sigh.

"Was that okay?" Tilly asked anxiously, not wanting to disappoint.

"You...could say that!" Jen breathed, a surprised and warm smile playing on her lips. She turned then, to look at Tilly, and held her face in her hands and kissed her forcefully on the middle of her closed lips. "That was...amazing!" she breathed, looking into her emerald eyes. "You make me feel so...alive! Tilly... I _love_ being with you. You mean _so_ much to me." Tilly beamed, beginning to blush. "Now... Let's eat! You've made me... very hungry indeed !" Jen laughed, taking control again, getting up and busying herself with unzipping the pockets in her bag and unwrapping tin-foiled cake and ready-made bought sandwiches and other nibbles.

It was quite a spread. Both of them wasted no time tucking into it all – they both found that they were ravenous. While they ate Jen showed Tilly her sketches so far and talked some more about Gormley's technique and intention and how you could tell these things from the way the statues were formed and shaped and by how they were positioned.

"Looking at them altogether like that makes me think of Foucault again" Tilly said suddenly, and expanded her point when Jen looked at her with interest. "...They all seem faceless, like an 'everyman' I guess – as if they could _be_ anyone... and they all look so uniform, it's as if they're all imprisoned by having to conform to the society they're in – they aren't individuals because their group dynamic makes them all the same – in order to be accepted and allowed into the bigger group, perhaps... Do you think it's Gormley's criticism of that? Do you think he's giving a warning? ...that to allow yourself to be accepted into a group means losing the freedom of being an individual and being your true self?"

"Yes! Definitely!" Jen replied excitedly, "Gormley's always tried to push boundaries and question the conventions of society and what it means to be human. Tilly, that is so insightful!" Tilly blushed. Jen continued. "It makes me wonder what Gormley, and Foucault, would make of us really" Jen mused, smiling, "I'm sure they'd approve completely – not that we need anyone's approval of course, but I do enjoy pushing boundaries, defying conventions... and I know you do too!"

...And so the conversation went, developing into philosophy, and the abstract human condition, and the limits on being human, and being alive in the modern world... The afternoon passed them by and through it all they grazed on food so that tea came and went unnoticed and it was only when it began to feel cold that either of them looked at their watch. It was Jen first. "I don't believe it!" she gasped. "It's twenty to seven already!.." She rose and stretched, disappointed at how fast their time together was running out. "I _really_ wanted a paddle!... Oh sod it, I'm going in!" she said, hurriedly removing boots and socks. "_And_ I haven't even splashed you in the sea yet!"

"Huh, I'd like to see you try!" Tilly replied, daring her as she rose too, slipping her sandals off her feet more quickly than Jen could free hers. Then she was off at a run, out towards the incoming waves.

Jen followed her soon after, running across the sand, both of them feeling its coolness, now, between their toes as their heels repeatedly sunk into its softness as they ran. Tilly was in the surf first – and immediately ran out again, shrieking at its iciness – followed by Jen, who did the same. And then the splashing started... It was Tilly who soaked Jen first and then laughed about it... but Jen soon got her revenge... They finished their frolicking by holding hands and skipping over the foam each time the line of a wave, large or small, broke on the beach. Then they remembered themselves as the light began to recede ever so slightly, and reluctantly they made their way, still holding hands, back to their half-packed things and back to the jeep. Soon they were inside it, everything packed away for the journey back; grains of sand multiplying everywhere, much to their impatient giggles, despite a concerted effort at dusting them off feet and legs. Both of them looked back at the view – just able to see some of the statues, now far in the distance, ant-size, half submerged once more by the swelling tide. Then the engine coughed into life and they pulled away, back to reality once more.

They were silent on the journey home, partly in awe of what they'd shared; partly gutted by the fact that it was coming to an end... so that Jen turned on the radio to lighten the mood and muttered "Oh I love this" half to herself when the opening guitar rift of a Rhianna song came on. The song seemed to reflect the intimacy and poignancy they were both feeling, and as it began Tilly's eyes wandered over Jen's body to rest on those parts that the song was referring to...

"_...Chest to chest... nose to nose... palm to palm... we were always just that close. Wrist to wrist... toe to toe... lips that felt just like, the inside of a rose..."_

At the same time, Jen could feel Tilly's eyes wander over her, as she sat staring at the road ahead, frustrated that she couldn't do the same, because she was driving. So when the song came to say: _"...so how come when I reach out my finger... it feels like more than distance between us..."_ and she felt Tilly's fingers reach for hers and lie across her closed hand as she was resting it on the gear stick, she felt moved; touched, in more ways than one, and had to blink back momentary tears of affection.

If only she'd known... But perhaps it was better that way – that at that moment she didn't know – or else it would have spoilt a magical day...

Neither one of them was remotely aware that a silver car was following the jeep at a distance, though to all intents and purposes it looked just like any other car, minding its own business... Had Jen realised, she'd have detoured immediately and tried to shake it off. But the distraction of having Tilly beside her and feeling such a surge of forceful, powerful emotions, meant that she didn't think twice about it, or even _begin_ to recognise _any_ of the letters on the number plate.

Yet it would change the smooth course of their time together, that showed such promise and happiness over the coming weeks, and test them even more than the rumours about them had done...


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

It began a few days later, when Jen received the first text out of the blue.

She was irritated, more than anything, but didn't think too much about it because she was so wrapped up in her studying, and her art, and filling time before she could snatch a moment or a contact with her beautiful student. They'd not been able to see each other since the weekend and their wonderful day trip away, which was killing them both – but it was a good thing too, as it happened...

That first text was a tester, Jen thought, born out of boredom, or nosiness, or perhaps regret...but she was not interested in responding – she didn't want to give the wrong impression. So she left it unanswered.

She did the same with the second text that came the next day, and the other follow-up ones – the third and fourth which she received at the end of the week.

It wasn't in Jen's nature to be rude or stand-offish and she didn't want any unpleasantness, so on that particular evening she decided to reply and was just about to press 'send' when Diane called up to her, to where she was sitting at the desk in her room, doing some work.

"Jen? Jen? There's someone here to see you! ...Come on in then, love, it's cold outside tonight... I don't think she'll have heard if she's working hard – she gets too involved in it – so why don't you just go on up?..."

Then there were footsteps on the stairs, and a confident knock on the door.

Jen was only momentarily taken aback when the door opened; she'd been half expecting it really, but even then, she was a little perturbed as she sat looking up at her visitor, who now spoke, smiling confidently. "Hi there stranger, how've you been keeping?"

"Hi," Jen answered breezily, "fine thanks, busy as always! You?"

"Oh, fine, fine. You know me – always got lots of projects on, never really finished any... Although I _have_ got a _very_ interesting one on at the moment!"

"Why are you here?" Jen asked directly.

"What, you have to ask?..."

There was a pause before continuing again, deliberately changing the subject as a way of prolonging the conversation and, perhaps, to test-out Jen's responses, she thought uncomfortably.

"...Hmm. Nice room. You've got a cosy set-up here haven't you? ..._Big_ bed..." There was another pause, heavy with meaning. "So. You still got your heart set on being a teacher? You're on your first placement now aren't you? ...I _always_ thought you'd make an excellent teacher Jen. You're such a..._passionate_ person..." Another pause, again heavy with meaning, this time spoken with a wry, almost regretful, smile.

Jen watched, guardedly, starting to feel even more uncomfortable, sensing that this was leading somewhere; there was some hidden agenda. She forced herself to look outwardly calm and friendly, when she repeated herself: "So...why are you here, again?"

"Oh Jen, I wanted to see _you_, of course. I wanted to try to – "

"We _talked_ about this" Jen interrupted, "You know how I feel about things. That's all resolved now, you _know_ that."

"Yes, but there's _always_ room for – "

"No there's _not_" Jen interrupted again, "Not _this_ time! It's happened too often, you've talked me round, but _not_ now! I _want_ something different. Anyway... everything's changed..."

"_Ah_, I _see_..." There were traces of hurt in the voice.

"How did you know I was living here?" Jen continued, a worrying reality beginning to dawn on her.

"Well, now _that's_ an interesting story actually... May I sit down?" Another pause, and a gesture to the bed. Jen shrugged and nodded briefly. "I'm still perfecting my pen-and-ink style for life-drawing and so, on Saturday, thought I'd go and check out Gormley's statues for some help with the human form and so on..."

Jen's breath stopped. Her heart rate shot up. She felt the colour drain out of her face. But she was still determined to present an external persona of quiet, unassuming, innocent calm. "Oh, yes?" she asked lightly.

"Yes. So imagine my surprise when I saw your jeep parked-up there! I didn't realise _how much_ I wanted to _see_ you again until I saw that... Do you remember that night we sat out in it and – "

"Yes I remember" Jen interrupted again, reddening slightly, wanting to take charge of the conversation – and anything else remotely dangerous being flung her way. "Yes I was at the Gormleys on Saturday too. Just, you know, getting ideas and...the light was amazing wasn't it? And the shadows and everything..."

"Certainly was, but then it always was a great place to go, wasn't it?"

Jen felt she had to continue with her justification of being there, and so she added, in a light, matter-of-fact way: "I stayed all day actually. Didn't leave until late. Wanted to make the most of the setting as the light changed, and the colours..."

"Yes I know you did."

"What do you mean, you know?"

"Look, I didn't mean to Jen, I didn't mean to follow you – "

Jen froze.

" – I just wanted to see you again... Jen... talk to you, but you looked... busy... so I thought if I found out where to reach you, where you were staying, I could catch up with you another time."

"What do you mean, I looked... busy?" Jen's heart was in her mouth; she could hardly get the words out.

"Well when I first looked, you were busy sketching. You were _totally_ absorbed in it – it was _magical_ to watch you Jen. Always was. ...I didn't feel like I could disturb you, though I wanted to, so I got myself set up and did my own ink sketches. ...You weren't alone, were you?"

"Why – why do you ask?"

"Oh, I just wondered. It seemed like you were with someone. Looked like a student to me... but you _were_ far off, I suppose. I just wondered, if you'd taken a class, where the other students were?"

Jen's heart was hammering now. "I was with... a friend" she admitted reluctantly.

"_Oh_, I _see_. A _friend_ hmm? ...Well of course, that would explain the hand-holding when you were paddling in the sea, I suppose."

Jen's pulse quickened even more, as she wondered what else had been witnessed.

"So does she live round here too?"

"That's nothing to do with you, is it?" Jen answered firmly, inwardly so very, very thankful that she'd dropped Tilly off at the bus depot on the outskirts of town, where she'd easily caught a taxi ride for the last half a mile home. "Anyway," Jen continued, defensive and angry now, "since _when_ did you become a _stalker_?"

"Hang on a minute!" came the indignant reply, "I've already explained why! I only wanted to know where you were staying so I could catch up with you – as _friends_ – surely we can still be _that_, can't we?"

"Haven't you heard of texting?" Jen was curt, incensed.

"Yeah, but it seems you have a problem with your phone, since you don't seem to answer them! I kinda figured that'd be the case anyway... And I _knew_ you'd get all defensive if I approached you while you were working too – cos you'd think I was spying on you or something."

" Well you were, weren't you? Spying! ...And I was _about_ to answer you a minute ago, actually, after a _very_ busy week... So stick to _texting_ next time! Okay? I don't like being watched. Or followed! ...Huh, and you wonder _why_ I'd had enough!"

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Guess this meeting hasn't really gone the way I thought it might, hey?"

"No," Jen paused, knowing it was important to smooth things between them again. "Look, I appreciate you making the effort, but there's really nothing more to say... Now, I'm tired and I've still got lots to do for tomorrow, so, if you don't mind, I'm going to ask you to – "

"It's fine. Fine! Okay. I'll leave you to it then. ...It's really good to see you Jen. ...The town's really pretty too – I might just stay a bit longer."

"_Why_? _Why_ do you have to do that?" Jen was angry again; protective of the new life she'd begun to build for herself. "Can't you see that I'm happy now? There's _nothing_ here for you."

"Yeah well, we'll see... Goodbye then, Jen. Look after yourself yeah?"

"Yeah, bye."

Jen's body relaxed its tight tension _only_ when her door was closed and she heard Diane say goodbye and then the front door of the flat close too. She found she was shaking all over. Damn it! That was too bloody close! She knew she needed a drink with some sugar in it, for the shock from thinking just _where_ that conversation could have headed – _what _it could have revealed...

When Diane saw Jen emerge from her room looking so pale, she was instantly worried and got up to make her a cup of tea straight away. "Did you have a nice chat with your friend, love?" she asked, a little anxious.

"Oh that wasn't a friend," Jen replied, tired now from it. Exhausted.

Diane did a double-take. "Oh love, I'm sorry, should I have not let her in?"

"No, it's fine. No problem" Jen answered lightly, smiling briefly as she spoke.

Somehow, trying to make it sound so matter-of-fact did nothing to dispel the unnerving dread that she could now feel start to lie and stretch in the pit of her stomach. "_Tilly –_ " her inner voice called-out, panicked, saddened, lonely. God, _how _she wanted, _needed_ her arms around her now...

Back upstairs, tea in hand, Jen smiled briefly to herself, in spite of everything, at finding another text on her phone – this time, a loving, caring one from Tilly telling her how special she was and how much she missed her. _What am I going to do?_ Jen asked herself, as she replied with kisses and packed up for the night. She could feel the same old inner conflict to walk away start to creep up on her again – away from everything she cared about; in fact, the one thing she cared about most in the whole world: Tilly. ...She _had_ to protect her. And herself. Or everything would come crashing down for both of them... _Wouldn't_ it? ..._Didn't_ she? She re-read Tilly's text to her again, tears in her eyes. They'd come so far with each other, shared so much. This wasn't like the last time she walked away, she knew... it would crucify them both. And she was tired of running. So. Very. Tired.

Right now, she thought to herself, what's the worst that could happen? She ran through the range of worst-case scenarios in her mind, and then imagined being without the younger student in her life ever again – because that's what would happen if she shut her out and walked away from her again, especially now, after such intense, intimate moments together... and she couldn't bear it: the thought alone made her feel pain.

In response, instinctively, she reached for her phone and texted her:

**'_Miss you. So very much. Want you here with me now. Right next 2 me. Curled around me 4 ever. Lets arrange smthing soon ok? But MUST b EXTRA careful, trust me, things r very tricky now. Anyway, sweet dreams. Night night ;-* xxxx'_**

_Damn it then_. She thought – now in pyjamas and clambering into bed – _damn it all to hell_. She read Tilly's loving reply to her text, which moved her again. Tilly wouldn't desert _her_, would she? _Bring it on then!_ She thought at last, resolved, steadfast, to stay and fight for them both.

...

If only life was that simple.

But there are _two_ in a relationship...

And there are _some_ relationships which people think are _never_ over...

And some which people think should never have begun...


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

"I _swear_ she _lives_ to wind me up!" Sinead was sounding-off yet again, about Diane's latest safe sex drive, as Tilly approached them. Diane had roped-in a large group of sixthformers (though Bart had managed to escape!) and marched them off-campus to the market square in town all wearing oversized white tea-shirts showing giant, dancing, smiling condoms. And they had music! "God, what with _her_ and Jen –'Ooh you _must_ get up before dawn to watch the sunrise' – it's a bloody _nightmare_ at home!" Sinead continued, "I mean, would you _really_? Oooh!" she grumbled again, not for the first time.

They couldn't help but laugh as she stomped off, fuming, to go and find Bart and together face-down her mother.

Tilly allowed herself the momentary dream of watching a sunrise with Jen – imagining what it would feel like to wake up beside her, wrapped around each other, sharing the view of a waking day; the first wisps of gold landing on Jen's sculptured nose and satin cheeks, dancing inside her soulful eyes and along her sultry lips...

"You coming Tils? ...Tils?" Maddie's voice interrupted her intoxicating vision and Tilly shook her head, smiling innocently as she caught them up.

_Get a hold of yourself!_ She told herself inwardly, _Get a grip!_ But it had been days, over a week now, since she'd seen her – even laid eyes on her – and although they had been regularly texting, it just wasn't the same. Her body now knew the feel of Jen, her touch all over it, defining it with her fingers, and it yearned for her, _all_ over. Tilly thought, abstractly, how much she'd love to be the clay that Jen moulded and sculpted into different forms whenever she was doing ceramics – just to feel her hands all over her again, and the intense concentration of her hazel eyes watching her, and her faint, warm breath caressing her...

"Yeah, that could work... What do you think Tils?" It was Maddie again, "Tils, are you okay? You're a bit vague today! Have you been listening to _anything_ we've been saying?" She moved closer to the redhead and peered at her anxiously.

"Well I think it's a great idea" Ruby continued the conversation, "It's worth asking anyway."

"What's that?" Tilly asked.

Ruby rolled her eyes in mock frustration, causing Maddie to glare at her because it wasn't _her_ place to be like that – especially with her best friend!– but she didn't notice and couldn't contain her excitement as she continued:"We're thinking of things to do to celebrate the end of year. You'll all be upper sixth next year and we'll actually be starting here. Yey!"

Then George joined in: "We were wondering about a weekend away – or asking a couple of the tutors to organise an overnight trip somewhere. You know, camping and stuff. Cheap and cheerful, I know, but still really good fun."

"Yeah that sounds great" Tilly agreed.

Maddie was watching her closely though, thinking how pale and withdrawn Tilly seemed. She was not her usual opinionated, bubbly self. She took her elbow and spoke softly to her: "Hey, you _sure_ you're okay babe?"

"Yeah I'm fine. Just tired." Tilly replied quietly back. Unconvincingly.

Maddie could always tell when Tilly was hiding something from her and she hated it. It made her determined to find out more. But she was also genuinely concerned for her friend too, so, typically, she took charge. "Right, we're going for a walk. We'll see you guys later ok? Bye."

"Bye."

Tilly looked up, bemused, but allowed Maddie to take her by the arm and lead her back towards the college campus. "Where are we going?" Tilly asked.

"Well... _I'm_ going to take _you_ for a coffee and some cake. Whether you like it or not." Maddie told her affectionately, determined to pin her down for a proper chat so she could get to the bottom of things.

The girls walked arm in arm along the path towards the campus cafe, which by-passed the Art block en route, making Tilly's heart flutter – it was the first time for a long time that she'd walked that way – such had been the understanding between her and Jen that she stay away from her completely at college... So she had to physically _force_ herself _not_ to look up at Jen's window as they walked down the path, along one side of the staff car park lined with Silver Birch trees and down into the quad.

Had she looked, she would have been just in time to catch sight of her beautiful brunette lover gazing down at her, surprised to see her but captivated all the same, before she quickly stepped back, out of sight, into the shadow of the room.

Once the girls had passed, Jen reappeared at the window again, never having actually broken her gaze from Tilly the whole time. Such was her hunger to see her again, after so many days, and touch her... be with her... Her body was yearning as urgently as Tilly's. She, also, now knew the feel of the younger woman's body against hers and it was intoxicating. To see her so close and yet not be able to touch her, even speak to her, actually caused her pain, and she had to bite her lip to control the wave of emotion and hold back the tears that threatened to pour forth. Her eyes had wandered all over the student's body, caressing, remembering its naked softness.

Jen stood there for what seemed like a long time. Wistful. Pained. Aching. Until, at last, she turned back into the room to return to an easel where she was trying to let out all her pent up emotion in giant swathes of paint.

...

But there were other eyes too. Watching. Wistful. Pained. Other eyes that had noted Jen's behaviour and reaction to the two girls... As Jen's ex pulled her silver car out of the parking space from beside one of the Silver Birch trees, swimming in emotion over the student-teacher, she wondered: she was _sure_ she'd seen one of those girls with Jen at Crosby beach – _wasn't she?_ - but which one? She cursed the fact that she'd been so far away – she couldn't even be sure of the girl's hair colour or whether she'd been wearing a hat, and her body shape had been covered with a coat. But Jen's reaction alone confirmed that _something_ was going on there, surely, with one of them... She was determined to find out!... Perhaps now would be a good time to offer her services as a visiting artist to the principal of the college and the Head of the Art Faculty? Jen was only a student- teacher, after all...

The eyes were cold and focused, almost predatory, behind the sunglasses, as the car pulled away. Really, why should she be concerned? What on _earth_ could be so special about some spotty, immature student compared to her? If she _was_ right and something _was_ going on... _surely_ there was _no_ competition!

_Ah Jen. You and me were so good together. What a waste. You've so much to give. What a shame..._ she thought, before idly tapping her fingers to a familiar tune on the radio.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

It was no use, Jen thought, she just _had_ to see her, especially knowing she was so close... Anyway, her attempts at distraction by throwing vibrant paint onto a canvas and using a spatula and her fingers to recreate the powerful emotions she felt whenever she laid eyes on the girl just was _not_ working. _At all_! Touching the canvas with her fingers was just making it a more sensual exercise, leaving her wishing that it was Tilly's skin she was touching...

_Oh sod it_! She decided. She _had_ to see her. She just needed to come up with a good enough, plausible reason... She stopped suddenly, the mist of an idea forming, and rushed to clean the acrylic paint from her hands, shaking them dry as she left the room almost at a run, following after the two girls, fully prepared to search the whole of that college block for her. Wherever they were, they couldn't have gone far. _Damn. Should've texted..._ the more sensible part of her scolded. But she'd left her phone in her bag, back in the studio, and anyway, she was more in tune with the less sensible, more impulsive, instinctive part of her at that particular moment in time: such was the power that Tilly had over her!...

She found her at last, sitting with Maddie in the campus cafe, deep in conversation about something over steaming lattes. At least, _Maddie_ looked deep in conversation, intense, while Tilly looked more vague, as if she was deflecting. Jen approached them, trying as she neared them, to assume the expected persona of college tutor, despite the urgent, impatient, hammering of her heart at being so close to her younger lover. Neither of the girls had seen her and didn't look up until she spoke, which suddenly made her cheeks redden a little.

"Erm... excuse me, you two... hi... sorry to disturb. Er... Tilly, I thought I'd just catch you quickly when I saw you walk past... The thing is, you need to sign quite a few coversheets that are supposed to accompany your coursework pieces so they can be submitted properly if they're called for... I think you must have been absent when the others did it – perhaps at that Cambridge open day a few weeks back? Anyway. It's totally _my_ fault for not chasing you up about it – but could you come along this afternoon to do it? It _will _take some time I'm afraid... but I'm not teaching today at all – exams in full swing and all, you know... Would that be ok?"

_Wow, quite a little speech!_... her inner voice acknowledged. She could feel the rapid drumming of her heart which seemed so loud that she wondered if they could hear it too. _Good grief Jen, get a grip, you're acting like a teenager!..._ she scolded herself, fighting-back a wry smile which wanted to emerge at the irony of the thought. Yes, she often felt that Tilly was older, more mature, than _she_ was.

Tilly certainly appeared to be calmly in control, as she sat there looking up at her with her delectably piercing emerald eyes, which never seemed to miss a trick. "Ok miss, yes that's fine, we won't be long here..." Tilly answered, and then turned to her friend: "...although... Mads, rather than coming with me and being bored for ages, why don't we meet up later yeah?"

"Yeah sounds good, 'cause you _can_ be a nerdy bore sometimes Tils, ha." Maddie replied in agreement.

Then both girls smiled politely at the student-teacher, which she took as a sign to leave.

Jen's pulse was racing even though she purposefully made herself walk back to her room as slowly as she could, taking slow, deep breaths of fresh air with every step. The whole time she was filled with the unsettling thought that Tilly had been so controlled, cold even, with her, making her wonder if she'd been wrong about the younger woman's feelings for her – as if their previous moments of intense passion and intimacy had barely happened between them. The thought was crushing, and led her to open her breaking heart to more insecurities, especially because her own feelings for the student seemed so raw and desperate, they made her feel so vulnerable; child-like, almost...

By the time she'd returned to her easel she was utterly depressed and convinced that this was it: she'd over-read their relationship and actually, Tilly had just seen it as a momentary experience – sensual, exciting, perhaps even very special, yes, but only ultimately a transitory experience; one of life's passing learning curves...

_Curves... _Jen saw, then, the curves of the younger woman's body... _all_ her curves... even those which she knew only _she_ had witnessed... and a stronger part of her challenged her growing doubts: _Give the girl more credit! She has integrity Jen. Soul. And she loves you, you know that!_ Yet even when her own soul knew that to be right, on some level, she still felt disorientated and almost nauseous with it.

She sat down at her desk, quite emotionally exhausted, beginning to wonder if she'd done the right thing inviting Tilly up there, to her, alone. She tried to calm her chewed-up stomach by taking a sip from her water-bottle and then rested her throbbing head in her hands, closing her eyes.

Perhaps it was because of her throbbing temples – or the throb of her entire body, which had awakened at the sight of the redhead – that she didn't hear her door open, or the set of clear footsteps make their way across the room to her... So that when she looked up, the first thing she saw was Tilly's piercing emerald eyes gazing into her own hazel ones, and she blinked, startled, believing it to be a dream.

"Hey, are you ok Jen?" Tilly asked her gently, stretching out a silky hand to stroke the side of the student-teacher's face and carefully move a longer wisp of dark hair behind her ear. Her tender caress smoothed away Jen's doubts in a surge of relief and moved her to tears, which she quickly tried to blink away, hoping they'd gone undetected. But Tilly _had_ seen them and was moved by them herself, and without hesitation she leaned across Jen's desk and impulsively pressed a forceful, heartfelt kiss on the older woman's lips. "Hello, my beautiful, talented lover" she whispered, "Do you have any idea how much I've been missing you?"

Jen smiled at last, and it felt to her that it was the first time in days. "I have... _some_ idea, yes! God, I've missed you Tilly! Didn't realise how _dead_ I'd been feeling until I saw you walk past here with your friend – "

"I'm sorry Jen! I know I promised to stay away, but I got roped into coming this way with Maddie – and she has a way of taking charge of people. Sorry!"

"It's fine. Really. Truth is, I'm secretly glad to be honest. I've been going silently mad not being able to see you. Here, look at this – " Jen rose and held Tilly's hand and led her across the room to stand in front of the canvas. "You see? ...It's abstract..." she added, and continued to explain, in response to Tilly's quizzical look: " ...This is all I've been able to churn out for the past few days – pure emotion!"

"But Jen, that's _beautiful_!" Tilly enthused, genuinely loving its effect. "I love the vivid colours and swirls: they give it a real energy! It's so passionate and sensual, full of touch and depth and power, but also vulnerability and longing... It's very sexy."

"All the things I feel when I see you." Jen said in a hushed whisper as she stood slightly behind her, sheepishly.

Tilly turned to face her and their eyes connected searchingly.

"Tilly, I – " Jen began, pausing to find the right words to express the depth of her feelings for her, thinking how stunningly special she was. But she wasn't given time to finish before Tilly moved to her, suddenly reaching out to hold her head while she kissed her, passionately, hungrily, on her lips and then, when Jen instinctively responded and kissed her back, she gently pushed her lips apart to kiss her tongue with her own and lock into a melting embrace... They couldn't get enough of each other, despite where they were, with its proximity to the danger of being discovered. No. All thoughts of secrecy melted away as they melted into each other, both of them feeling as though they had, at last, returned home where they belonged.

After a good five minutes of earnest, soulful kissing Jen suddenly remembered the dangers facing them and broke off, answering Tilly's surprised look by leading her by the hand into the stock cupboard and closing the door, locking them in. Then she turned back to the younger woman with a predatory look and a raised eyebrow which asked permission, suggestively, to return to her arms. Tilly smiled, now her turn to look sheepish, looking up at Jen's enticing hazel eyes, wanting and willing to do anything and everything with her, right there, right then. Jen saw her hunger and smiled tenderly, knowing that the emotion reflected her own.

The tension and urgency in the air between them was almost excruciating and both women seemed undecided as to whether to jump on each other and rip clothes off, or take it slow and savour the tension, like the drug it was so quickly becoming... Jen reached out first, stroking Tilly's face lovingly, and then stroked along her partly open mouth with her thumb, all the time gazing at her with hazel eyes that were now darker, more sultry – very,_ very_ sexy. Tilly couldn't bear it any longer and grabbed at Jen, snatching her by the shoulders, her wonderful, powerful shoulders, to pull her into her for a desperate kissing embrace. And then both lost control: hands reaching, stroking, grabbing at clothing, untucking, untying, unfastening, pushing jackets and cardigans away, lifting tops over heads and onto the floor, unzipping skirts and jeans which dropped to the floor, stepping out of sandals and shoes – all without the barest of interruptions from their constant kissing of lips and tongues, eyes closed throughout. Until they were both in just their underwear. Then Jen slowed things, reluctantly pulling away from Tilly so that she could see her, look at her and allow her eyes to drink in the vision of beauty that stood before her. Tilly did the same.

Both of them allowed their eyes to wander over the smooth curves and undulations of each other's body, as if re-familiarising themselves with a landscape they had been missing and yearning to return home to... And then Jen moved in once more, stroking softly along Tilly's stomach, around her back, to unclasp her bra which fell to the floor, and then return to her chest, neck, shoulders, drawing swirling waves down and around each breast, before bending down and taking each in her mouth, one at a time, until they hardened and Tilly shook, moaning, head back and resting against one of the shelves which held tubes of paint. Seeing how she affected the student, watching her move because of her touch, was the most powerful reason for being alive, Jen thought, feeling her own body awaken and ache in response.

At that point Tilly surprised her again with her maturity as she seemed to collect herself and regain some control, though it was clear that it was an inner struggle... "Now it's _your_ turn..." she whispered, approaching Jen for another sultry, hungry kiss. As they kissed, Tilly was more forceful and the student's hands echoed Jen's earlier dancing patterns as they, too, smoothed across Jen's stomach to her back to unclasp her bra which slid to the floor and then return, though this time they moved straight to stroke Jen's nipples which were already stiff. Jen moaned too, while Tilly was kissing her, the slight sigh escaping sweetly onto Tilly's tongue which made her own body tense and stiffen again in anticipation and hunger. And then, once again, neither lover could bear that hunger any longer, pushing knickers to the floor themselves and stepping out to press their entire nakedness into each other's... Still kissing, never stopping, both sets of hands wandered across the other's terrain: massaging breasts again, stiffening nipples, then stroking down around buttocks, across hips, along groins, to between legs, exploring the silky warmth which lay there waiting, inviting contact... Both women, still locked in a passionate kiss, moved in time with each other, as if in a dance which took them above the earth and into another dimension; a higher state of existence completely, and they both shuddered together in complete and absolute heaven. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. Nothing at all except them being together...

They both rested against each other; arms wrapped around each other's heaving, throbbing bodies, smiling restfully, both in a state of heightened bliss but also final peace. They remained that way for a few minutes, tracing faint lines of happiness lovingly across each other's faces and arms as marks of affection, and ownership.

There was no need for words. Words couldn't express the surging emotions they'd both shared; words would have cheapened it somehow, in terms of defining something that was indefinable and therefore far more special because it couldn't be labelled; it couldn't be contained... So they both dressed in silence, smiling the whole time and snatching looks at each other, admiring glances, flirtatious, free. Then when clothing hid their newly remembered bodies, which felt marked, somehow, for all eternity, Jen unlocked the door and they both re-emerged into the wider room, instinctively finding their way across the space together, holding hands, to stand in front of Jen's painting once more. She lifted Tilly's hand and kissed it and Tilly smiled in response and looked at her lovingly.

The moment ended with the impatient buzz of Tilly's phone which reminded her of her arrangement to meet Maddie later. Time had once again passed too quickly for both of them.

"Listen, we need to meet up more. Even if it's only one a week it's a killer but it's better than nothing. I can't go longer than a week from you again." Jen confessed and Tilly agreed. "Perhaps if you could come see me here every Thursday afternoon, like today, when I'm not teaching and I'm by myself, it would be safe enough to meet up here after all." Jen suggested, thinking about her lighter timetable now that the year twelve study leave was in full swing and the year thirteens had now left. We'd just need a believable cover story to justify you needing to be here... and lots of prepared excuses to explain why we might be locked in the cupboard!" she laughed. "Let me have a think about it and text you. And if you think of anything let me know too. I've loved... this time with you – even just spending time _talking_, you know that don't you? We don't have to always – "

"_Course_ I know that! I've loved it too..." Tilly replied quietly, still in awe at the emotions Jen had given her; the heavenly heights where her love-making had taken her. She squeezed Jen's hand. " Guess I'd better go now though. I really don't want to..."

"Yes. I know. Text me tonight ok? Or I'll text you." Jen said quietly too, feeling exhausted but happy. Then she thought about her unwelcome visitor and what could be the best thing to do about it... " I need to talk to you about something – " she added, " – but not right now, it's nothing really. Next time will do. "

"Sure?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Okay, I'll see you ok? You take care... And I'll be thinking about you constantly. And missing you."

"I know. Me too. Take care. Text me."

And with that, as simply as that, they kissed a soft lingering goodbye and Tilly left, phone in hand, on her way to meet her friend as if nothing had happened. Yet her whole entire world had shifted and moved and she felt more alive than ever before and had to fight the urge to shout it from the rooftops.

Jen sighed, watching the doorway where Tilly had moved through it only seconds before: she could still see the outline of her body momentarily if she squinted, which she did, if only to trick her mind into thinking she was still almost there with her.

That moment together had been more than she could have ever imagined! How silly to doubt their relationship! She looked forward to texting later. And as for her ex? Well, what could she _really_ do to separate them? Nothing at all! Jen allowed herself to relax a little about that particular issue...

_I mean, it's not as if she knows anything really anyway... she was only fishing for information the other night... No. We're absolutely fine_. _I probably won't even see her again... _

She smiled to herself, and walked back to her desk to tackle the last of her paperwork.

.

.

_Why_ is it that, just when you think you're all sorted, life has an uncomfortable way of turning everything upside down?...

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	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Nothing much happened for the next few days. Both of them texted each other, constantly, and whenever they found themselves alone or able to talk they chose to call and speak instead – both desperate to hear each other's voice. But life went along its usual course – Jen still had work to prepare, for when her year twelves were due to return from study leave in the next week, when she needed to set them off on introductory work for next year, and there was still the small matter of her placement and finding out whether or not she'd passed this final part of the course, although Mr Keller had given her many impressed looks and complements and she was pretty sure she'd have no problem... Just the dissertation to do now, she thought...

She found that she was counting down the weeks and days. Not long now before she finished... And then? Once she knew she'd passed, perhaps it would be ok to suss out the lie of the land in terms of starting to acknowledge her relationship with Tilly... Yes, of _course_ she'd have to tread carefully, but if Tilly was no longer her student then the forbidden teacher-student dynamic would not exist anymore, and she'd be seventeen soon too. Ideally, she thought, she would find a teaching post locally to begin with, so that she could remain near to Tilly while she finished her studies... Then perhaps she could move jobs to be near to her when she started university – Cambridge perhaps, or wherever she chose... Although that was supposing that Tilly would want her as such a major part of her life – Jen didn't want to tie her down and stop her from experiencing the freedom of leaving home for the first time and being thrown into the melting-pot of graduate life... She would leave it completely up to her... If she wanted to, they could even get a flat together perhaps... whatever she wanted...

Jen could almost taste the freedom they would have as a couple; the end of the year was in sight, so close now, she could smell, almost touch, the long breezy summer days they could share together...

And Jen wasn't the only one dreaming: Tilly was doing it too; making plans, imagining them together as a couple, doing ordinary 'couply' things without having to hide anymore – which may have added to the initial excitement, yes, but was now starting to wear thin. She _so_ wanted to just be able to walk into town with Jen openly holding hands, linking arms, cuddling, if they so wished... She wanted to shout it from the rooftops how much in love she was; how utterly amazing and sexy Jen was, and how absolutely lucky she was that Jen adored her too.

Tilly was finding that she had lots of time to think about Jen and their future together. So much so, that even shopping with Maddie, as time consuming as that was, still didn't occupy enough hours in the day as a distraction from it. She had _so much_ free time now that she was finished, but found herself frustratingly imprisoned by the fact that she couldn't share it with the one person she constantly ached to be with. It seemed _so_ unfair that here _she_ was, a free agent at last, while Jen still had exhaustive amounts of work to do and had to be careful about when she could meet up with her in any case! They'd managed another two liaisons in Jen's room, sooner than the next Thursday because they just couldn't wait, couldn't bear being apart anymore – but it was still frustrating.

That was why she started going to galleries. Initially, it was to feel close to her artistic lover, knowing that she'd _love_ to be there with her, and then it was because she genuinely wanted to find out more about the contemporary art world surrounding her – Jen had inspired her interest so much – and she wanted to be able to share Jen's passion. She'd even looked for some part-time gallery work to do for a few hours a day as a way of filling her time away from her beautiful brunette and earning some holiday money in the process, though jobs didn't seem to be forthcoming.

So Tilly was there, in the gallery closest to campus, not far from the S.U. Bar, when Jen's ex walked through the door, although Tilly didn't know who she was at first. All she noticed was a striking, sophisticated-looking woman, slim and casually smart, with a natural confidence and ease about her, who moved in an effortless, purposeful glide which was, itself, very attractive. She noticed her blue eyes next; how deep and piercing they were, though icy, icy cold, when they looked at her, when she glided towards her to pass her and approach the desk to lay a large black portfolio of work there for discussion with the gallery owner. Tilly was only vaguely interested in the ensuing conversation because of the way she had noted how striking and sophisticated she looked, and was about to move away... when she saw the ink sketch on the top of the pile of pictures the woman pulled out of her A2 sized folder.

Tilly froze.

She took a sharp intake of breath and stared. Just stared. She could not wrench her eyes away. Because she could not believe what she was seeing.

It was a windswept beach scene with giant Cumulo-nimbus clouds giving cross-hatched textures to the sky, which occupied the top third of the page. Below this, a strip of seething sea moved and writhed angrily, again each cross-hatched wave and spray of foam captured meticulously in detail to create texture which echoed the thunderous sky. The beach in the foreground was another textured space which was interrupted by the now-familiar shapes of statues all spaced-out as if an army rising from the land itself...

But what held Tilly's stare, in utter disbelief, was the perfect re-creation of a head and shoulder close-up, of a face she would have known anywhere; a face she saw in her mind, every waking day: Jen's face.

The detail was exact and very accurate and gave a suggestive intimacy that made Tilly's stomach lurch and plunge.

Jen's image smiled warmly, lovingly, out of the page at her; her eyes were seductive, enticing, asking for affection, and her mouth was smiling a warmth she could almost feel.

_What the – ?_

_That's_ when Tilly's interest in the conversation suddenly peaked. The stylish woman was talking, explaining, and Tilly moved closer to hear better.

"...Yes that's right. I wanted to make the environment, the weather, echo the physicality of the human forms of the statues and the figure in the foreground... and I was playing around with the idea of 'life' as opposed to 'lifeless'... so the elements: the sky, the sea, the windswept sand dunes, seem more alive than the lifeless statues... So they all attract the eye, starting with the sky and flowing around the piece in a circular, anti-clockwise motion, leading the eye down to the close-up figure at the bottom of the piece... which is arguably the most alive thing in the picture even though the elements surrounding _all_ the human forms are showing real movement and this person in front of us is still" The stylish woman spoke clearly, confidently, proud of her creation.

"Yes I see that..." the gallery owner replied, studying Jen's face as it gazed up towards the ceiling. "... She's quite mesmerising isn't she? – "

"Yes she certainly is!" The woman was animated in her response; clearly passionate about her. And, worryingly, sounding as though she was still involved...

The gallery owner was continuing his assessment, leaning in closer to examine Jen's features, in a manner which reminded Tilly of a criminologist attending a post-mortem, and which made her want to scream at him to leave her alone! It made him seem lecherous, somehow, and Jen seem exploited, violated in some way.

" – _her_ movement is, ironically, very passive... because it comes from the static look in her eyes, which in spite of their stillness seem to move with emotion and longing, and the positioning of her lips makes it look as though they too are almost in motion... Mmm... Very enigmatic. Yes. I like it! Are the others like this?"

"Pen and ink, yes. My forte."

"Who is she? It seems quite an intimate moment... if you don't mind me asking, but it helps to understand the artworks if we know more about their contexts."

"No that's fine" the woman answered confidently, almost arrogantly, as if she wanted to boast and shock anyone within earshot with the nature of her 'alternative' lifestyle choices. She continued to answer him, giving far more detail than necessary. And Tilly heard every word: "...She's my girlfriend. We've been together for a long time now. Every so often we have a minor dalliance with someone younger, you know, a bit of excitement, a bit of fun, but it's _never_ anything serious; we only do it to keep us hooked on each other; it keeps it _real_ for us, you know?... Yes it does record an intimate moment between us: she had just told me that she loved me. I cried. She smiled. We kissed. I captured the moment as you now see it. I wanted to show its truth. _Our_ truth."

Tilly felt her body start to shake, almost imperceptibly, and a dull ache began in the pit of her stomach. She reached out to steady herself on the cool brick wall beside her. The gallery owner was still talking...

"Yes I can see that. It works well. Very well... You are _very_ talented. Yes, these would make a _very_ successful exhibition section here, I think..."

Tilly couldn't move, couldn't breathe, as more pen and ink work was spread out and pored over, examined. Quite a few seemed to depict Jen's human form, or aspects of it, as the artist had played around with positioning and perspective, so that every so often Tilly caught a brief glimpse of Jen's profile, or the contours of an ear, an eye, her beautiful sultry mouth, all of which she knew so well, which was cleverly linked to the surrounding elements in some way; at times showing realism, at others, purely abstract. The human form as a landscape. The sea-scape beyond as the human form...

The woman, Jen's '_girlfriend_' (Tilly flinched at the thought) continued explaining, and as painful as it was to hear, Tilly couldn't help herself but listen.

"I was also exploring the links between being human and being the land itself..." she was saying.

"Yes I see." The owner paused. "Are all of these ones here of your girlfriend?"

"Yes. She's my inspiration, just as I am hers!" She beamed.

"Ah, a romantic eh?" He chuckled to himself.

The world in front of Tilly's eyes swam and blurred beyond tears that burned and corroded her face. She couldn't breathe. She had to escape this... nightmare!

Heart thudding out of her chest, trying to break free; arms and legs turning to jelly so she felt like a newborn foal unable to stand and support herself, Tilly made for the door. She bumped into things as she moved away.

"Excuse me, are you all right Miss?" someone called out to her.

"Hey, watch it!" somebody else.

"Excuse me Miss, but do you want to sit down? You look as if you're going to faint..." Yet someone else again.

Feeling almost drunk with heartache, she managed to make it through the door... then she vomited, violently, over the pavement outside...

Back inside the cool gallery the momentary confusion had calmed as people turned back, some with raised eyebrows, to look once again at individual artworks in whispered silence, while the striking, sophisticated woman held her confident stance admiring her recent creation of Jen's beauty. A fleeting smile, cold, cruel, played at the edges of her mouth and was controlled immediately back into submission.

As Tilly's world seemed to crumble around her she wanted nothing more than to escape, run away, die even, and end this agonising pain she felt stabbing at her all through her body. She felt torn. Torn apart and thrown away. From the person she loved more than life itself. And who she had until now believed adored her too... How _could_ she? So. She was just one of her young 'minor dalliances' was she?... Not even the voice of her soul that was speaking inside her, telling her that she was wrong; the stylish woman was wrong; Jen was _hers_, through and through, was strong enough for her to hear. No. Jen had hurt her for the last time. Ever.

Tilly stumbled along the street, causing concern from Diane who saw her from a distance before Tilly turned into a side street and seemingly disappeared. She was determined to lose herself, and get as far away from Jen as possible. Her phone rang. Jen was calling. She threw her phone hard at the wall and stamped over it as the pieces fell to the floor, just like the pieces of her broken heart. Let her call. She'd be calling for ever.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Jen was beginning to feel distraught. She'd sent _ten_ texts to Tilly and not had an answer to even _one_ of them. In fact, for the last four, her phone had seemed to have trouble sending them, coming up with: 'No signal. Message failed. In Outbox to retry later.' She'd tried calling too, lots of times, _desperate_ to hear her beautiful, breathless voice – but once again, each time; she'd been met with either a recorded message or, in her last few calls, a constant ring-tone indicating that the line was dead. She didn't know what to do!

And to top it all, Mr Keller had just sent her a reminder message from earlier in the week that he wished to see her for her final meeting with her university tutor too, to discuss whether or not she had passed the placement there. He'd apologised because he'd brought their meeting forward by two weeks, but was due to be in conference with other headteachers and principals of Further Education colleges and was solidly booked until past the end of term. Anyway, he'd said, Jen's performance was without doubt; it wasn't as if she was reliant on the last two weeks' worth of teaching to swing the decision, either way. Whatever that meant.

She kept eyeing the clock every few minutes throughout the cover lesson she was supervising for another teacher (Her own students were still on study leave for another week): she was going to have to run from this final class of the day to be ready to see Mr Keller in good time... Yet all she could think about was Tilly. Where was she? Why wasn't she answering?

At last, after a lifetime it seemed, the bell rang to mark the end of another day's lessons and the students languidly packed away their files. Jen didn't wait for them to finish: she left the room at a run, wanting to get this meeting over with so she could concentrate on finding Tilly. _Wow. Look how much you've changed Jen. Once you wouldn't have cared about anything as much as graduating this course!... _somewhere, a voice at the back of her mind noted distantly.

She was outside Mr Keller's office in next to no time, her planning and observation files both ready for final scrutiny; both immaculate of course. She only had to wait for a minute before she was ushered inside to meet and shake hands with both Mr Keller and her university tutor; both men already having met and discussed her progress and potential future in the profession. They both smiled warmly, friendly and encouraging, clearly looking forward to meeting with her, as the office door closed behind her and she took Mr Keller's hand in a firm, business-like grip...

It wasn't long before she emerged, heart racing, her mouth set firmly, determinedly, as all she could think about was seeing Tilly. She strode towards her waiting jeep. _Thank goodness I drove in today for a change!_ she thought...

But there was someone there, standing beside it, stretching.

Jen broke into a run, all thoughts on Tilly, convinced it was her – but then the woman turned and Jen slowed, worried suddenly, realising it was her ex after all. _So much for not seeing her again, then!_

As Jen neared, she stopped dead in her tracks...because of the way the slim, stylish beauty was looking at her. She knew that look, and her heart froze. "What – what's happened? What have you done?" Jen shouted at her, her voice wobbling with emotion.

"Oh that's not a very nice 'Hello' now is it?" Jen's ex replied, a cold smile fixed on her lips.

"What have you done?" Jen demanded again.

"Me? I haven't done anything. I only thought I'd come and have a look at the place where you work – which seems to have such an...interest for you. Why? What on _earth_ do you take me for? Why do you look so worried?"

"I know you! I know what you're like! Stop playing games!" Jen felt close to screaming point now. She wanted to shake her, slap her, to get to the truth.

"What games are you talking about? What on _earth_ – "

A look of realisation spread across Jen's face. "You know don't you? You've worked it out haven't you?"

The woman leaning on Jen's jeep made her face look blank. But Jen knew her too well. She saw the slight flicker of her eyes and the miniscule twitch of her mouth, and the unintentional shifting of weight from her right foot to her left.

"Stop it! Now! Where is she? Where have you seen her? TELL ME!" Jen roared at her.

Jens ferocity unsettled even her as she answered her: "Well, if you mean that scrawny redheaded student you seem to like, I _did_ catch sight of her in the art gallery near to the Students Union Bar... Didn't seem particularly well at the time, for _some_ reason...but hey, you know what these adolescents are like with their immature hormones. Who knows? Maybe she'd just been dumped, or something?..."

Jen was disgusted with her. She wanted to scream at her and slap her again and call her all the names under the sun but she shook herself away, knowing she only cared about Tilly.

The blue jeep roared out of the car park, almost knocking over her ex who was left standing staring after it, a stunned expression on her face. Jen floored it.

When she'd made the short distance into town she ran out of the jeep, leaving it parked askew on the curb, engine still running as she ran inside the cool, sophisticated gallery where Tilly had been just hours earlier.

And then she saw them. One after another. Hanging up in full splendour; her own face and body captured in different expressions, different positions, staring back at her, smiling suggestively; making promising glances; beckoning urgently...

_Oh no! No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no...!_

Without a second thought she reached up and tore them down, her actions violent, desperate. When the gallery owner emerged from his desk to challenge her, she was like a crazed animal, screaming at him: "I did _not_ give permission for this! Take _all_ this down _at once_! It is _not_ hers to give to you! Take them down! Now! Or I'll sue you for every penny you have!"

"All right, all right, calm down. I'm sure we can talk about this – " he tried to placate her.

"Now! Do you hear? Now!" she shouted again. Then she turned on her heel and ran back to her jeep, revving its engine again as she pulled away, desperate to find her, prepared to drive round all night, everywhere, anywhere, just to find her, make sure she was ok...

_Tilly! Come back to me! She's a liar and a cheat. Always was. Don't believe whatever she's said. Don't believe the pictures. It's all lies. Tilly! __**Please!**_

She began to sob as she drove round, trying her hardest to look everywhere, fighting to see through the blanket of tears that now covered her face...

Hours passed.

Finally, feeling broken, completely broken, she returned to the flat. Everything seemed grey. Dull. Dark. Dead. As if the beauty of the world around her had shrivelled up and started to rot. She was exhausted as she walked through the door.

Diane looked up, looked right in her eyes. She didn't need to say anything – it was clear that Jen had been out looking for Tilly too.

Jen looked a mess. Her face was streaked with tears, her eyes were puffy and bloodshot and she was pale and drawn. She sank onto the sofa as her legs gave way... Just then she noticed something that Diane was holding. She gestured towards it questioningly.

"This?" Diane replied, "I found it in Tilly's bag. Bart found her bag thrown underneath the archway in the village square. Jen – no one's seen or heard from her for _hours_. I've phoned her parents. I've checked the hospitals. I've called the police. No one's seen her. They're all out looking for her now. Just like you, by the looks of things... But then I found this. Is there – anything you want to tell me Jen?..."

Jen looked blank, so Diane continued: "Listen love," she said gently, "You an' me, we need to have a little talk I think. Not yet perhaps, though, you look like you need a cuppa and a rest... In the meantime, I think you'd better have a look at this." And she handed over a small, black, A5 sized notebook, full of writing.

Jen took it, dazed, and it opened in her hands, falling open at a place which seemed to have been opened and read time and time again. Her own tears started to splash onto the pages in front of her as she began to read...

'_**I still can't believe it's over. I really let myself believe that everything would be ok. However hard I try, I just can't stop thinking about you. I can't concentrate because all I see is you. How did it all go so wrong? I would never want to break us. How would you believe that of me? I couldn't imagine a world without you, my love, my light, my day, my night. **__**I still can't believe it's over. I really let myself believe that we could be happy together. I wish I knew how to make things right. But I know it's too late. I wish I could tell you about my day and moan to you about all the things that rile me. I wish I could smell your perfume on my pillow. I guess I just want you to know I'm thinking about you, or maybe what I really want to know is if you're thinking about me...'**__*****_

Jen remembered, with a jolt, their previous split when she had accused Tilly of causing the rumours to start, by not sticking to her rules...and then finding out that, in fact, it had been herself who had caused it all. All the painful memories of walking away from her, leaving her sitting alone, broken, on that bench came flooding back to haunt her.

_Oh Tilly – yes! I'm always thinking about you! You are my life, my love. I love you! Tilly – I'll make things right, I promise. Just come back to me – please..._

As she gazed at the pages, blurring now, she bowed her head and wept.

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*(All the words here in bold, are the property of Hollyoaks, not mine!)


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

It took another two cups of tea, which Diane made for her in near silence and Jen only half drank, and a plateful of biscuits, which sat untouched on the coffee table, before Jen started to feel like she could pull herself together again.

It felt to her, like her heart was actually bleeding to death – it was aching so much. To read so much of Tilly's angst and pain at being rejected... and to feel it now herself, half-believing that her unreturned messages were because of Tilly rejecting _her_... well, it was shattering. And then there was the other half of her which believed – no, worried – that the unreturned messages and dead tone were because something awful had happened to her, or was happening to her, at that very moment, and she was powerless to help her, save her, keep her safe from harm, and _that_ thought was even _more_ unbearable..

So Jen was torn, completely, between these two agonies; desperately wanting to know where Tilly was and if she was okay... and desperate in the hope that she was fine and this was all some kind of misunderstanding, easily explained, although the throbbing of her heart told her otherwise.

Right now, she didn't care that Diane knew about them, and against all her previous caution and self-preservation, she didn't care about the consequences of someone else knowing; she didn't even care about her career! As long as Tilly was safe and she could see her, talk to her, explain...

Jen was still lost in thought when Diane decided it was time to speak and she didn't intend to mince her words at all, wanting to make Jen see the gravity of the situation for both of them. She was inwardly furious with Jen for clearly allowing some sort of liaison with her daughter's friend – though she wasn't particularly surprised at Tilly's attraction: Jen was the ultimate in Tilly's 'type', if she based it on Tilly's opinions about girls she'd liked, as according to Sinead – but she _was_ surprised at Jen: she _should _know better! Diane was angry with herself too – she had begun to wonder about Jen herself, and had only recently realised, with Jen's visitor who wasn't a friend, that Jen was, perhaps, into women not men, though this particular situation was still a _huge_ shock. Still, she felt she should have done more to stop the potential for things to start between them. She wondered how much truth there'd been in the rumours, angry with herself now that she'd just made a joke out of Jen being Tilly's 'secret girlfriend'. Well, she'd have to put a stop to that developing any further now, _that_ was for sure!

Jen looked up when she heard Diane's voice break the surreal silence of the room:

"Jen..._ what_ were you _thinking_, eh? _How long_ has this been going on? And what the _hell_ happened to make Tilly go missing? Tilly of all people, eh? She's so sensible, normally! ...Is it to do with _this_? With _you?_ ..._Jen_? Are you _listening_ to me? Because this is _really_ serious. _Jen_? _Well_? Are you going to talk to me?"

Jen's tear-streaked face and obvious pain in her eyes made Diane's anger subside a little and she adopted a softer, less interrogative approach. "Look, Jen, we've got to get to the bottom of this so we can find Tilly. That's what matters right now, isn't it, eh? So anything at all that you can tell me that could help us find her... It's better telling me than the police isn't it? They've only just been round asking questions. I've got to phone them again if anything comes up..."

She paused, seeing the sudden realisation dawn on Jen's face of what it would mean for her if all this came out with the police, and her shocked face satisfied Diane that, if this could be sorted out, she'd have no need to take it further to stop it. But right now Tilly's safety was what mattered, and Jen seemed to have completely clammed-up and shut-down.

She tried again, more simply: "Jen, listen to me. Tilly needs your help right now. So help her. Tell me. Talk to me. Why do you think she's gone? Where do you think she could be? Come on love, help her..."

Slowly, through tears that came easily, despite Jen's struggle to stop them, she told Diane about the arrival of her ex and her determined jealousy, and attempt to hurt Jen through hurting Tilly, by arranging the exhibition of artwork which showed Jen in emotional expressions that would make Tilly feel rejected and lied to, as if Jen and her ex were still together. She promised Diane that she had put a stop to her and Tilly being together whilst she was still her teacher, breaking down again when she told how she'd walked away from her – which she believed was what had prompted Tilly to write her diary – Jen was sure it was just about what happened at that time, which was months ago now...

"But you started things up again with her recently then?"

"It wasn't like that, Diane" Jen assured her, "We sort of bumped into each other last week and it grew from there. It certainly wasn't planned... Anyway, she's only got less than two weeks' left at college now, and while some of her friends have to come back to my classes now study leave is over, Tilly isn't because her particular course is only part of theirs so the module is different – her course is finished now – so I'm not her teacher anymore. I thought it'd be okay if that was the case... We've only met up a couple of times since... And then, as I say, my ex turned up and decided to make things difficult for me. And I think she purposefully caught Tilly in the cross-fire. It's nothing I've done to Tilly, I promise you – on my life Diane! And I don't know where she's gone – not at all! I just want her to be safe." She tried to stop the tears from falling again, hurriedly wiping them away with her hands. Diane handed her a box of tissues.

"All right love, just wipe your face now." Diane spoke gently, and then added: "I can see you care about her Jen, but are you in love with her? Just how serious is this, eh?"

Jen barely stopped herself from breaking again, knowing, inwardly, that she had to tread very, very carefully. She tried to make her answer sound light: "Of course I care for her, who wouldn't? She's amazing! But love? I'm not in love with her Diane, you don't have to worry about that. It's not reached that serious stage yet."

Jen hated lying like this, but she believed it was the only way to protect their relationship and try to begin to salvage what she could of her career, if that was possible. Perhaps if she could convince Diane that she had nothing to worry about, really, she wouldn't take things further... She had to hope.

"Good. Well that's a blessing, at least." Diane sighed in relief. "But you've put me in a really awkward position Jen, you know that don't you? – "

Jen nodded quietly, subdued, looking up guiltily from beneath her dark fringe.

"– Because this isn't just your career that's at stake Jen. You'd be seriously in trouble. Tilly's still just a child. You'd be seen as taking advantage of her."

Jen's heart broke again and she wrestled with her inner self which wanted to shout at Diane and tell her that just wasn't true! Tilly was _not_ just a child! She was a young woman, yes, but not that much younger than Jen, and certainly not too young to know her own mind! She meant all the world to Jen and she saw her as her equal, in every way! ...But Jen bit her lip and kept the outburst in, because she knew it would be hopeless. She knew she had to be careful.

Just then the phone rang, making both women jump, and Jen's heart was in her mouth as Diane picked it up. She watched, as Diane's tense face relaxed a little, and waited impatiently, with bated breath, for her to finish.

"Right. Yes, I see. Okay love, thanks for phoning. And the police are there too, you say? Right, so I don't need to call them. What about her parents? Ok... ok, thanks love. You take care yeah? And come back soon. Ok, bye love."

"What's – what's happened? Have they found her? Is she okay? Where was she? How is she? Can I go and see her? –" Jen rose, desperate to know.

"Hey hang on love, calm down" Diane gestured for Jen to sit down again, and stop agitating so much. "That was Sinead. She and Bart are there with her now. And, I think, Maddie. The police found her just a few minutes before they got there –"

"Is she all right?" Jen half-screamed, desperate.

"Yes she'll be _fine_ now they've got her" Diane reassured her. "She'd fallen down some steps on the pathway to the canal and was lying face down when they found her. She's broken her arm – I think when she put her arms out when she fell – and she's twisted her ankle, and got lots of bruises – she's banged her head – but that seems to be the extent of any physical injuries. They're taking her to hospital and will keep her in for a few days – she was unconscious when they found her, and it seems like she keeps slipping in and out of it, though the medics are sure that will pass... Sinead says they think she might have mild pneumonia too – she'd thrown her coat away, like she did her bag, and she'd broken her phone – perhaps from falling over, they're not sure... She'll probably have some concussion too, when she comes round properly. They won't know the full story until she's been properly checked and she's fully conscious."

Jen rose again, grabbing her bag as she did so, and started to root around its base for her car keys. "I must go and see she's okay" she muttered.

"No Jen, you can't go" Diane stopped her. "Come on love. Her parents are there. And her friends. And the police... How's it going to look if you go too? Especially if she doesn't want to see you eh? And I thought you were going to stop all this nonsense anyway?"

Jen stood and looked at her, and slowly sank back down onto the sofa again, defeated. Diane was right. On all counts. "I just want to explain the truth to her, Diane," she replied quietly, "I can't have her thinking I've been two-timing her. That's horrible."

"Yes but perhaps that would be for the best eh? It'd be easier for her to get over you if she thought you'd used her and didn't care; if she hated you, wouldn't it? After all, Jen, it's not as though it's serious is it? I mean, you don't love her or anything do you eh? Think about what's best for Tilly..."

Jen excused herself, saying she wanted to be on her own, which Diane took as a good sign; that Jen was agreeing with her and just needed the space to come to terms with it. She picked up Tilly's diary and gave it to her. "Here, take this with you. And as long as you keep away from Tilly, I won't feel like I've got to tell anyone, right?"

"Right" Jen answered, miserably. She took the diary and her bag back upstairs to her room, where she sat staring at its closed front cover for a long while. Then she took one of her many bracelets – this one, a more adjustable, woven, friendship bracelet in a brightly coloured, Indian design – and tied it around the small booklet, as a mark of respect at not wanting to intrude on any more of Tilly's privacy. Then she opened her wardrobe and lay it down carefully on the top shelf, above her hanging clothes, on top of a carefully wrapped package which she'd already prepared, with an accompanying card, to give to Tilly for her birthday which was now only two days away.

She sighed sadly. Perhaps Diane was right. She knew how badly Tilly was hurting – not from her physical injuries either – and she knew that _she_ was the cause of that. True, she might not be guilty of what Tilly thought: of two-timing her; of using her for fun, like some sort of toy... no, she'd _never_ do that... but she _was_ the reason why her ex had set out to hurt her. And if her ex knew just how much she loved Tilly, she now knew, she'd _never_ stop trying to hurt her... So... perhaps Diane was right. Perhaps Tilly _would_ be better off, in the long run, without her...

Jen wasn't thinking about herself or her career now; she was thinking about Tilly. Even though she was _desperate_ to see her, explain to her, coax her trust back, back into her arms where she would love her for ever... she wanted to do what was best for _Tilly,_ not herself. So. Perhaps Diane was right, then.

That night, for the first time in a very long time, Jen cried herself to sleep.

And yet, somewhere, deep, deep inside her, in her sleeping mind, now exhausted with wrought-up emotion, a tiny voice told her that, just as good things come to an end, so do bad things...

... _And this too will pass... So... be patient... smile... live... love... hope..._

She turned, in her fitful sleep, twisting her body at the thought of being without Tilly for good, like losing an essential organ.

She couldn't bear it.

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	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Tilly's eyelids fluttered but didn't open... as she felt herself vaguely floating, but in something thick and heavy that was weighing her down into the blackness.

Sometimes she was vaguely aware of blurred lights and shadowy shapes that moved, or hovered just above her – one particular one that seemed to smell a particular scent she recognised somehow and knew she liked a lot but didn't know where from or why – but then the lights and shapes would melt together into nothingness again as she sank back into the blackness...

At first, she distantly knew that she felt scared... but then that fear seemed to pass, gradually, more and more, each time that particular shape and scent returned to her and then she thought she could almost hear a soft lilting voice, velvety soft, calling to her lovingly, carefully, each time that same shape and scent returned...

"Tilly... Tilly..." it called, gently coaxing her, like welcoming, opening arms. "Tilly... it's okay... I'm here for you... I'll always be here for you... I love you..."

Somewhere in those murky black depths she knew that beautiful voice. She knew it meant the world to her. It was helping to lift her up out of the heavy blackness towards the light. She wanted to be near it...

Then she heard the beeping. Quite a high-pitched sound, repeating at regular intervals, like an electronic heartbeat... But the more she heard it, and the nearer she came to the light and the shapes that passed in front of her, getting bigger and more defined as she grew nearer to them and further away from the blackness beneath her, then the more the beeping sound interrupted her beautiful softly-calling voice that was so special, so velvety soft, she wanted to reach out and stroke it...

_Damn that beeping!_

Its intrusion made her angry; frustrated at having something so special taken away, out of her reach. And that anger gave her strength...

Her eyelids fluttered...

And then they slowly opened.

It took a while to make any sense of the shapes surrounding her as they blurred their way into focus to become solid objects: ...picture... door... table... jug... cup... flowers... curtains across a window... lamp (which hurt her eyes with its sudden glow) ...chair... someone sitting _on_ the chair... in the shadow of the corner... someone she couldn't quite make out... but whose outline she seemed to know very well, and like a lot, regardless... someone she knew was very special to her...

And then the weight of the darkness beneath her pulled her back down, like gravity, into its thick cocoon-like oblivion once again...

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	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

The night orderly looked up as the beautiful brunette quietly moved past the desk, head down, on the far side of the corridor, half-hidden by the family of last visitors making their way out of the ward. True to form, like the last two nights, she moved silently down the corridor, occupying the smallest space she could, as though she was trying to be invisible, and slipped inside the room at the end – the room where the young redhead had been admitted – carefully closing the door behind her.

Visiting hours had finished and the orderly knew he should go and ask her to leave – as he should have done the very first time he noticed her, _and_ last night – but there was something about her that stopped him. It wasn't just the furtiveness and secrecy that seemed to surround her, which sparked his curiosity, or her striking looks, which she seemed completely unaware of... no, it was something else... There was a quiet determination about her, and an urgency, as though she was on some kind of personal, desperate, mission... and she clearly felt passionately about something, to give her such drive. It intrigued him.

He wondered briefly if it had anything to do with the redhead. It would certainly explain why she always arrived after visiting hours when all the rest of the girl's friends and family had gone. He _had_ wondered, and did so again now, if he should report it... but each time he'd gone in to check on the girl after the brunette had left she was more responsive than at any other time – and surely that had to be encouraged? It was the third day now that they'd been trying to bring her back to full consciousness and there was a real worry that this was the start of a more serious condition – although they were trying not to concern the family yet of the possibility of a coma – she wasn't quite that unresponsive yet – but it _did_ seem as though the girl was suffering some kind of inner turmoil that her mind was hiding away from... Anything that the beautiful dark-haired woman could do to help bring her out of it _surely_ had to be encouraged.

So he ignored any dutiful feelings of responsibility; he pretended to himself, yet again, that he hadn't noticed her, and he fought the temptation, yet again, to go and watch them through the window and instead, returned to the papers on his desk which awaited his immediate attention.

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Inside the room, dimly lit now, Jen took up her usual position sitting on the chair in the corner which faced Tilly. She wanted to move it to sit right next to her but worried that she'd be seen more easily by passing nurses and then she'd be asked to leave. So every so often, when she sensed it was quieter in the corridor outside, when she thought the coast was clear, she'd move across the room to stand next to the bed and lean over Tilly, stroking her face and hair, kissing her forehead gently and whispering to her how much she loved her and needed her... all the while, holding and stroking her hand. Then she would lie her head down on the pillow next to hers for just a few moments, staring at the ceiling, before making her way back to the corner chair again.

It seemed to be helping. Last night Tilly's eyes had opened for the first time, momentarily, and Jen had had the fleeting feeling that she'd _seen_ her, sitting there in the corner, but she couldn't be sure...

Jen had heard the nurses talking and she'd phoned up, pretending to be a relative, to find out what was going on, and she knew that Diane was right: physically at least, Tilly was fine – she was far from critical – but they _were_ worried that she should have come round fully by now and they thought that there was something, some kind of trauma, that was closing-down her mind from wanting to wake up. It was breaking Jen's heart to see her like this and to know that it was because of _her_. She felt so powerless, so hopeless. She was _determined_ to bring her out of it, back to her. Whatever happened...

She stroked her hair again, gazing at her perfect face, willing her eyes to open, and then gently kissed the tip of her nose. "Oh Tilly..." she breathed, her sweet breath caressing Tilly's lips, "What am I going to do with you, hey? Come back to me. Please. I miss you _so_ much."

Tilly's eyelids fluttered again, as they had last night.

"Come _on_ Tilly! Yes, that's _it_! Come _on_! You can _do_ it! _Come_ to me, Tilly. Come _back_ to me. _Please_. You're wrong about everything... the pictures... the woman... she's my ex, Tilly, and she's a _liar_... The pictures were a lie Tilly. _Please_ believe me, I'm telling you the truth. It's _real_, what I feel for you. _Please_ believe me. I _love_ you Tilly. _Truly_. _Come_ _on_. Come _back_ to me. Let me show you just how much I _love_ you..." Jen was exhausted but she didn't care.

Tilly's eyelids continued to flutter.

"Come on! Tilly – please! I need you!" Jen urged her more.

And then her eyes opened...

And closed...

And opened again for longer... much longer...

Jen saw her dazzling emerald eyes search the space around her and then settle on Jen's face, as she stood there leaning over her, their faces close.

A look of realisation and self-awareness crossed Tilly's eyes, immediately followed by a look of vulnerability and pain. She was about to try to look away from Jen, Jen could tell, and she felt Tilly's heartache at her supposed betrayal at the same time as she felt her own. She knew she _had_ to do _something_, or else all would be lost!

She spoke gently but urgently: "Tilly, you're wrong about me. My ex was lying to you. She wanted to hurt me for being in love with _you_ instead of _her_, and so she did it by hurting _you_. Those pictures you saw – she drew them to make you think we're still together but they're a _lie_. She made them up, based them on photos, and sketches she made when we were on Crosby beach... she was following us!... She's a _liar_, Tilly, and I _hate_ her for it! I _hate_ her for doing this to you and hurting you like this. I _hate_ her for taking you away from me. _Please_ believe me. I love _you_, Tilly. I've never two-timed anyone in my life – and I'd _never_ do it to _you_, of _all_ people! Please. You've_ got_ to believe me. I _love_ you." Jen was breathless. Exhausted again. Hanging onto the hope that her heartfelt words had actually sunk in.

The whole time she'd been talking, Tilly's emerald eyes had never left her face. They were captivated, mesmerised, by Jen's deep, soulful, hazel eyes which were earnest and desperate and urgent. They calmed Tilly's tension, almost immediately, telling her in a separate message of their own, while Jen was talking, that she was being honest. Every part of her knew, then, the simple truth, without the slightest doubt: Jen loved her.

Tilly smiled, slowly, and opened her mouth to speak – her speech coming out in a hoarse whisper because it hadn't been used for a while... Jen had to lean-in closer to hear it.

"Well, Miss Gilmore... it seems I've made an impression on you, after all."

Jen smiled the broadest smile she'd ever felt, lighting up the room with its sudden relaxed energy. Then she kissed Tilly's nose tenderly, making Tilly scrunch it up affectionately, both of them intertwining their fingers together in the hand that Jen had been holding the whole time.

"Yes you certainly have," Jen replied gently, "I'm _so_ happy to see you back again. Now, you probably need some rest to build up your strength, so... rest up. Just... don't... disappear again, ok? I don't want to lose you again, I couldn't bear it Tilly."

"Don't worry, I'm not planning on it." Tilly replied slowly, a grim look on her face briefly, before she looked at Jen again and caught her smile. Jen was clearly delighted to see her and it made Tilly feel warm, cherished: special. "Missed you too" she added, receiving an immediate squeeze from Jen in response. They giggled quietly together, Jen moving in to rub noses.

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The night orderly looked up as the beautiful brunette moved quietly past his desk on her way out of the hospital. She seemed taller somehow, more confident, happy, as she walked along the corridor and out through the main doors... He wasn't at all surprised to see the young redhead sitting up in bed, fully awake and carefully sipping a beaker of water... She smiled as he entered the room to check on her.

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	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Heart thudding in her chest, she was careful to tread quietly, not making a single sound as she followed them at a safe distance, waiting for her moment...

It soon came, as the three girls parted, two of them going into the large clothing shop and leaving the slim, auburn-haired one with the half-bandaged arm outside, unattended, too busy to notice; checking her phone...

She made her footsteps even softer as she approached her, carefully, furtively, from behind, checking the whole time that there was no one within ear-shot. Luckily there was a lull in shoppers at that moment: the street was empty...

She pounced! As she did so, she wrapped her arms tightly around the young woman standing alone.

"Gotcha!"

The young woman screamed briefly in shock and tried to turn, but the arms around her held firm, like velvet-covered steel.

"Nope! Not letting you go!" came the determined, half-whispered reply.

The younger woman could feel the words, breathless, against her neck and ear. They tickled. She fought the urge to laugh, knowing she _should_ be really annoyed at the sudden fright.

"Jen! What are you doing? You nearly gave me a heart-attack!"

The arms loosened as the attacker giggled, finally allowing Tilly to turn round to face her enticing assailant. Tilly continued, indignantly: "Do you _really_ want me to scream the place down?"

They gazed at each other, faces close, and Jen lifted her arms around her younger companion and pulled her closer into a heartfelt kiss, direct on the lips, in broad daylight, in the middle of the street, before pulling away again, smiling cheekily.

"Ah, well, perhaps not!" Jen replied, "... I can't help it though... You're just so _cute_ I want to limpet myself to you all the time!" She grinned. Tilly couldn't help but grin back – it was infectious. And she couldn't believe how blatant she'd been. It was exciting. "...Anyway, for _once_, I'm feeling _daring_. Don't _care_ who sees – I'm just _so, so_ happy to see you out and about again! So _there_!" Jen flashed her hazel eyes at her in a provocative dare.

"Hark how _you've_ changed!" Tilly replied, adopting a reproachful, authoritative look, as if _she_ was the teacher, speaking to a wayward teenager. Jen laughed, and Tilly knew she'd never tire from the sound. "Uh-oh" she then muttered Jen a warning, taking a step back from her on seeing Maddie and Sinead re-emerge from the shop, mid-conversation, bags in hand.

She expected Jen to dart behind the elderly couple who had just started to walk past them from the bus stop, acting as a momentary moving barrier between the two sets of women, but she didn't: instead, Jen stayed exactly where she was, standing as bold as brass right beside Tilly, clearly quite prepared to be seen talking happily to her.

Jen was glad to see a look of pleasant surprise cross Tilly's face, which then looked up at her quizzically. "Ah. I have a plan" Jen answered the questioning look in a whisper, and winked.

She'd been spotted! _Anyone_ would have been able to hear Sinead's grumbling acknowledgement: "Oh _look_, it's _Jen_. It's so _great_ to hang out with your old _teacher_...!" Jen smiled a knowing smile at Tilly and then turned to face the girls when Sinead called to her: "Hey, Jen! Does me mum know you're out? Have you got her permission?" She chuckled. Since Tilly's disappearance and admittance to hospital Diane had made it her personal mission, so it seemed, to keep track of both Sinead and Jen – but more-so Jen for some reason – much to Sinead's amusement.

Jen rolled her eyes playfully. "Now Sinead, you know I'm not _quite_ under house arrest yet! I'm not a _teenager_ anymore you know, and Diane knows that too."

"You could've fooled me!" Tilly murmured teasingly, just within Jen's ear-shot. Jen grinned.

"Why are you looking so happy, Miss?" Maddie asked, innocently enough, as the girls joined them, although Jen could tell that she was watching them closely.

"Oh, you know, Art makes _everything_ around us seem _amazing_ doesn't it?" she laughed. Sinead pulled a face. "...So, have you bought anything nice girls? Let's have a look then."

Both girls opened their bags to show their purchases and Jen complemented them on their tastes, before surprising Tilly again: "Well girls, I know it's not _cool_ to hang out with your ex-teacher, but how about a coffee? My shout? I need the caffeine fix after filling-out _five_ application forms, I can tell you! Well? You fancy it? With free cake too, of course?"

In spite of themselves, Jen's upbeat, smiling energy was quite infectious and the girls found themselves nodding in agreement, even Sinead grudgingly prepared to enjoy the treat.

Jen looked at Tilly for a split second, pleased to see that she'd surprised her happily again: she was beaming. "Well then. Off we go" Jen said, leading the way.

.

Campus Cafe was actually quite busy inside. The girls managed to secure a seat on one of the sofas near the door and Jen asked them what they wanted and then went up to the counter. Tilly dumped her bag down and murmured something about helping Jen bring the drinks across, reassuring Maddie that she could lift things just fine and wanted to do it herself to prove that she could, and then she left the two girls comparing what they'd bought.

As she approached the counter, with her back to them, Tilly allowed her eyes to wander over the contours and curves of Jen's body while she stood there, leaning, waiting to be served. Jen turned round suddenly, mid-question about anyone wanting sugar, and stopped immediately as she saw Tilly's eyes rove over her. They looked hungry. She smiled and turned back round again, soon sensing Tilly's presence beside her; their bare shoulders brushing against each other, sending immediate tingles of electricity between them: both women bridling a little in response, quite breathless suddenly.

"I'm flattered" Jen said quietly.

"What?" Tilly answered, confused.

"It's probably not advisable to be undressing me here like that in public, you know..."

Tilly blushed.

"...but feel free to do it to me anywhere else more private... anytime you like!"

Tilly's heart skipped quite a few beats! She fought the urge to just grab her and kiss her, there and then, instead answering simply: "Ooh. Tempting. That a promise then?"

Jen smiled. "You bet. How about later?"

"Where?" Tilly tried not to sound too eager, but failed miserably. Jen was amused.

"Hmm. Not sure..." She broke off then, to order four lattes and a mixture of small cakes and pastries for them all.

"How about that new wine bar that's just opened in town?" Tilly suggested under her breath, looking straight ahead at the menu board as if considering something else to order. She felt Jen breathe-in excitedly at the thought and knew she was smiling that secretive, half-shy, half-flirty smile to herself that she loved so much: she was dying to turn to face her so she could watch it, but knew she couldn't – she could feel Maddie's intrigued stare burning at the back of her neck, though it was probably just her imagination, she told herself, unconvinced.

"Yes, that's perfect! Eight ok?" Jen replied quietly.

"Yep!" Tilly answered quickly, then added "So...what's your plan?"

"Hey?"

"The plan? You said outside you have a plan? What is it?"

"Oh that" Jen laughed, "Well, I just think it'll help our _cause_ if your friends get more used to me being around, don't you?" she murmured quietly, explaining, "_If_ you _want_ me in your life, that is" she added, "...or maybe you've changed your mind?" At the same time she said this, she drew along Tilly's forearm quite deliberately with her index finger, making Tilly momentarily tremble.

Tilly smiled and subtly shook her head. "Hardly!" she breathed an emphatic reply. "Just wait till I get you to myself Miss Gilmore! _That_ was naughty!"

"Ooh, promises promises..." Jen murmured back, grinning breathlessly, "...Can't _wait_ to be _punished_!"

Tilly blushed again, grinning.

The drinks came and they waited while the cakes and pastries were served onto a plate, with the various accompanying crockery and cutlery, and then watched the order being organised together onto two trays: food on one; drinks on the other.

They both took the brief waiting time to enjoy each other's closeness; their bare shoulders and arms touching as if complicit in their own secretive caress, which made both of them take sudden sharp breaths in response. Standing together so closely, no one behind them could see their hands move towards each other, together, touching at the same time in a gentle hand clasp which they held for a moment. Jen stroked her thumb affectionately across the side of Tilly's hand in small circular movements, before breaking off contact to pay for the order, and then together, business-like once more, they took the trays (Tilly balancing hers carefully on her bandaged arm, holding it with her stronger hand) across to the coffee table beside the girls who looked up as they approached, Maddie raising one eyebrow at Tilly suggestively: an act which didn't go unnoticed by Jen. "There you are girls" she said cheerily, as they set the trays down, Maddie helping to steady Tilly's which wobbled slightly. "_Just_ what you need after a hard dose of retail therapy!"

Sinead nonchalantly reached for her latte, one hand busy texting Bart. "Thanks Jen" she muttered.

"Yes thanks Miss. It's very kind of you" Maddie added, eyeing Jen very closely as she did so.

Tilly agreed. "Yes, thanks Miss" she said innocently.

Jen smiled secretly to herself as she turned to find her seat on the other, newly vacated sofa. "Hmmm, _that_ feels good!" she said, sighing, sinking low into its softness with her own drink in hand.

Tilly sat down next to her, perching primly on the edge while she stirred her drink and then sat back, sighing too.

Without thinking, Jen kicked off her boots and lifted her feet up next to her, folding her legs into herself for a more cosy position. As if in response, Tilly leaned her head back slightly, onto the cushion behind her shoulders and closed her eyes for a moment while she cradled her latte mug into her chest with both hands, not realising that she was slightly leaning against Jen's legs in the process.

Maddie watched them both with interest.

"You look very comfortable next to Tilly, Miss." Maddie commented, innocently enough once again. Jen looked at her and Maddie held her gaze before arching an eyebrow while she bent to sip at her frothy drink.

In spite of her instinct to be cautious and evasive in the face of such clear intense suspicion – and she didn't doubt, now, that Maddie had started to notice something – Jen gave her the most disarming, confident smile she could muster. She found it quite easy actually. The delight she was feeling at being right next to Tilly, who was back to herself again, even though just over a week ago she'd appeared to be in a real state of medical emergency... well, it was too much of an enthralling relief to _not_ feel cheerful!

Jen was proud of her for the way she'd recuperated so quickly too – the twisted ankle turned out not to be twisted, just bruised, and was almost perfectly normal now, and the suspected broken arm had been more of a sprained wrist which, bandaged tightly up and fully rested, was already almost back to full mobility. Tilly really was an inspiration to behold.

..._And_ there was still the promise of an evening alone with Tilly, at last, to look forward to later...!

Yes, Jen was the happiest she'd felt in a while. So she _beamed_ across at Maddie, perhaps a little too recklessly, and gestured to her to have a cake, as the afternoon seemed to relax into an enticing, yawning stretch.

Things _definitely_ seemed to be looking up!


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Chester was aglow with lights of different colours, which emphasised the beautiful architecture of the old city, casting soulful patterns, like a multi-coloured patchwork, across the otherwise black landscape. It lay, stretching, beneath the pitch-black night sky – the heavy, scudding clouds standing out in paler shades of grey against its backdrop, like a giant, moving, photo negative. The wind was strong, battering the old stone buildings and tree-lined roads in a reckless dance that sent leaves spinning and arcing into the air, and toyed with the occasional piece of dropped litter to make it tango along the pavement and into the gutter. Traffic was sparse: not even many taxis seemed to be queuing for attention, and the night air was cool. The array of twinkling lights announced that most people were inside where it was warm and companionable.

Vinicelli's was no exception. Its frontage was warm and welcoming – enticing away from the coolness of the night-time street – and the sounds of clinking glass and friendly chit-chat and laughter emanated from its dimly-lit heart.

Tilly felt as though it was beckoning her, as she climbed out of the taxi onto the pavement opposite. She was running late and hoped it would be easy enough to find Jen, since she'd not been able to text her, or reply to Jen's queries about where she was and whether or not she was ok... Something wrong with her Outbox messages, typically!

She needn't have worried. She noticed Jen as soon as she entered the dark, cosy room. She was hard to miss: her striking looks and stunning figure stood out against the rest of the company as she stood waiting at the bar, anxiously tapping it with her fingers. Yes, Jen had already had to deflect unwanted male attention twice in the last ten minutes alone, and she was on tenterhooks waiting to find out if Tilly was safe, and if she was coming. Her impatience at wanting to see her was clear: evident in her restless fidgeting and a posture which looked unusually on-edge. She turned to scan the room again, and then caught Tilly's gaze as she was making her way over to her through the crowd, on a direct route from the door.

Jen wasted no time with her welcome; reaching out to hold her while she kissed her, quite openly, on the lips, pulling back breathlessly. "Hey you, I was worried. What took you so long? Why didn't you text? I was starting to wonder if I should feel...stood up!"

Tilly held up her phone in exasperation. "I think it's broken. It's finally given up the ghost! Sorry."

Jen relaxed a little and smiled. "Well? What can I tempt you with?" She gestured to the long line of appealing drinks lit up in greens and blues above the glasses at the back of the bar.

Tilly gave a mischievous grin. "Is... that a trick question? I thought I couldn't... _undress_ you in public places?" She was thrilled to see Jen blush slightly, for once. "I'll have whatever you're having" she added, looking into Jen's now widened hazel eyes.

Jen ordered two vodka and cranberries, momentarily flustered, making herself concentrate on what the barman was doing for just a moment to gather herself – she felt completely thrown by how eye-catching Tilly looked, and the way she'd just eyed her up and flirted was sending Jen's pulse into overdrive... She _knew_ she had to rein it in, back under control, if she was going to last the evening without immediately taking Tilly somewhere private and... well...! It didn't help that Tilly moved to stand so close to her that their arms touched again, brushing against each other to the rhythm of their breaths for a prolonged time while they waited for their drinks to arrive at the end of a long queue, although _this_ time, unlike when they'd been at Campus Cafe earlier, neither of them felt under such scrutiny that they had to hide it. The atmosphere in the bar felt cosy and relaxed and quite private, even though it was full of people, making it conducive to further intimacy...

So Tilly moved even closer into Jen, who felt a sudden tingling sensation down her arm, which made her jump and Tilly laugh, as Tilly deliberately drew down her side with her finger. When Jen turned to look at her in mock annoyance she shrugged and smiled mischievously and said indignantly "I'm only getting my own back from this afternoon!"

Jen's smile widened and she arched an eyebrow, leaning towards her for another kiss, whispering, as she did so "Mmm... I _thought_ I was going to get _punished_ tonight! Promises promises..." which made Tilly momentarily look down coyly, biting her bottom lip and blushing slightly. Jen lifted her chin softly with her finger and pressed into her as they kissed – in much the same way as that very first kiss they'd shared on Crosby beach, a lifetime ago...

They were interrupted by their drinks arriving and by the accompanying smirk on the face of the barman who told them not to stop on his account, and asked if they did threesomes – an attitude which was met with frosty silence as both women stared him out, unimpressed and annoyed at the unwanted intrusion. Their hostile boldness unnerved him and he shuffled away, suddenly finding that glasses needed cleaning, and holding up to the light for checking.

"Here, follow me" Jen said, turning, and led the way, drink in hand, weaving expertly through the standing crowds to one of the far corners, hidden in shadow, where they could sit together on hugging leather seats at a low table in their own little private world.

They both sighed as they sat, relaxing more in the semi-secretive comfort and their own shared company. There was no need for words. There was no awkwardness to their silence either – just a mutual contentment and delight in being together again at last, at a place where they could be more open with each other; less conspicuous.

Jen sipped her drink and looked around. As she did so Tilly's eyes never left her; taking in the shape and satin texture of her face which seemed so smooth, so soft, she wanted to touch it... and before she even realised, she'd reached out and was gently stroking the side of Jen's cheek, from her temple down over her cheekbone. At her first touch Jen arched slightly and turned to look at her searchingly, hazel eyes meeting emerald eyes, both sets holding the gaze deeply, as if both had fallen headlong into each other's and had no wish to climb back out.

Jen was the first to remember herself and break the contact, reluctantly; retreating to look at the ice cubes in her glass as she lifted it again for another sip, and then Tilly did the same; moving her hand down to her own drink. They both looked around then, momentarily, soaking-in the ambient atmosphere. Jen was determined to resist the urges she felt for her younger lover, wanting to prove to herself that they _could_ just survive on conversation without her losing control, while Tilly was feeling suddenly shy sitting there so closely – her shyness born from the intensity of longing she felt towards her beautiful brunette; wanting her immediate caress, like an insatiable hunger that wouldn't go away until it had been fed.

Jen broke the silence, turning to look at Tilly the moment she spoke: "Well, I bet you're happy to be out in the big wide world again, hey?" She smiled encouragingly.

Tilly nodded. "You could say that!"

"So... what plans have you got for this summer?"

"Nothing yet. Maddie usually gets us all to go down to Abersoch for one or two weeks, but nothing's been finalised yet... It's usually a last minute text, when we've got ten minutes to pack before going... I'm already packed! _Just_ in case! I could really do with some sun!"

"Abersoch eh? Lovely place to grab a tan. So who's 'we'? Who usually goes?"

"Oh, you know, the usual gang – and yes, that includes Sinead – and there are usually a few others who tag along too. Maddie always likes a full household. It's a relaxed set up, really."

"Sounds great. Shame I'm seen as an ex-teacher, else I could be one of your 'roadies'!"

Tilly smiled at the thought. "You never know, there's nothing stopping you suddenly needing a break from finding a job and...well...finding yourself down there by accident too, is there?"

"What, like getting lost on the way to the shops eh? Ha! Sounds like a plan. I _like_ it!" Jen grinned and then paused, clearly an idea on her mind. "..._Actually_..." she said very deliberately, "...I _was_ going to talk to you about...something along the lines of getting away...escaping...somewhere together, the two of us... That _is_, _if_ you're interested?"

Tilly's face lit up, her eyes hooded with intense emotion. "Hmm. I _think_ I could find time" she answered, playing it cool.

"I already have something in mind actually, if you want to hear it?"

Tilly held her gaze teasingly, and then broke her coolness, unable to contain her excitement. "Hell yeah! I'm liking the sound of it already! I'm all ears!"

"Well, I wondered if you'd like to come with me when I go to the Louvre?" Tilly stared, so Jen continued explaining. "I'm going there to do some research into some of the great painters and then do a selection of my own work from what I find, their techniques and so on, for next year – _and_ to maybe use as an extra ammunition in job interviews... It _does_ mean that you'd have to put up with me working on it for a few hours each day... but we'd still have plenty of time to do other things like sightseeing... I think you'd love the garden at the palace of Versailles, and strolling down the Champs Elysees on an afternoon. What do you think?"

"The Louvre? Paris? You're talking about _me_ getting to be with _you_, _constantly_, for longer than a day, in _Paris_, of all places? Wow! Amazing! I'd _love to_ Jen! Where's the catch?"

Jen laughed at Tilly's unrestrained delight. "So, I take it that's a yes then, Miss Evans?"

"Oh most _certainly_ yes, Miss Gilmore!" Tilly repeated emphatically.

"Great! I'll get us booked up then. We can sort dates and things tomorrow, if you like, and we'll have to think up something for your parents too, though I don't like lying to them – we should keep as near to the truth as possible... Do you think you could _bear_ being with me for... a _week_? That is, if we could arrange it without arousing suspicion?"

Tilly's delighted smile spread even further, to light-up her entire face. "W–e–l–l " she said dramatically, suddenly pulling a face as if the thought was a chore, pausing for impact, teasing, "I _think_ that I'd be able to _suffer_ you... _Just_!"

Jen flicked her shoulder in response to the sarcastic tone.

"Hey! _Ow_! That really _hurt_!" Tilly reacted in mock-dramatic fashion, then... "Right! _That's_ enough! Time for your _punishment_ Miss Gilmore! I haven't forgotten!" And with that, Tilly swept swiftly across and planted a forceful, hungry kiss on Jen's lips. She relaxed her mouth to mould itself exactly to Jen's mouth, urgently pushing, and tasting, and very definitely awakening an equally urgent, hungry kiss in response... Tilly needed no further cue, and moved her entire body, lifting up swiftly, almost climbing over the table, an unwanted obstacle, to get to the older woman; climbing onto her, still kissing, mouths apart now, until she was sitting astride Jen's lap, her pleated mini-skirt riding up her diamond-patterned thighs... This straddled pose meant she had to bend down into the kisses, forcing Jen to lift her head up to meet her mouth, and Tilly used her hands, now on either side of Jen's head, to hold it in place while she showered it with kisses...

The kisses came hungrily, and deeply, and expressively, as Tilly initiated Jen's participation in sealing their open mouths with satin kiss after satin kiss, touching inside each other's space with equally silky tongues which stroked, and circled, and stroked again. Hungry. Urgent. Loving.

Hands were automatic; instinctive in their preliminary exploration of each other's curves, though at this initial stage they were concentrated on caressing necks and shoulders and chest bones, and arms and faces...

If Jen had not taken control then, and pushed Tilly gently away, well, they would have most probably ended up naked, and flashing everyone with their intimate images of passion, Jen thought, worried. Even in a place as relaxed as this, it could have meant front-page news!

Tilly sat looking down at Jen's impassioned face. She was frustrated, moody. "You not in the mood then?" she half-demanded.

"You _are_ joking?" Jen replied breathlessly. "I want you right here, on this table, right now, without caring who sees! But hey. We can't be so reckless! Not even here! Even if you _think_ no one noticed that – because no one's turned this way or seems to be looking – you're wrong. Trust me. _Everyone's_ seen, and _everyone_ is interested!"

Tilly's face still betrayed her moody disappointment.

"...Anyway, this is, truly, the _best_ way you could _ever_ punish me Tilly. Getting me _so_ wound up and then leaving me hanging! Honestly!" Jen smiled then, a hungry, frustrated smile of her own, and moved her hands down from Tilly's shoulders to circle round her hips and meet, to hold her around her bottom while it sat on Jen's knee.

Looking into Jen's hazel eyes, Tilly knew she wasn't the only one suffering. She rested her forehead on Jen's, and then pouted. "_Please_ take me somewhere and have your wicked way with me." she pleaded a muttered moan. "Your punishment is over for the day I promise. It's becoming mine now."

Jen smiled and kissed her forehead lightly. "Just think, when we're in Paris we may not have to keep finding private places to...be together properly." She murmured.

"Mmm, I can think of a very private place I want to share with you. Right now!" came Tilly's impatient reply.

_So much for prolonging the conversation!_ Jen scolded herself, and then smiled: she didn't really mind! "Come on then, mi'lady. Let's get out of here. I want to go find that private place too."

They both giggled as Tilly climbed off her knee and they collected and checked their bags, leaving behind two half-drunk glasses while they made their way through the sea of warm bodies to the bitter cold of the street outside. The buffeting wind pressed them into each other and toyed recklessly with their hair, only stopping once they were inside a rare taxi.

"Just drive around for a while if you don't mind, please. We're in no rush." Jen spoke clearly to the driver from the dark privacy of the back seat and then turned and leaned in to Tilly, who giggled again and leaned forward for a continuation of the kissing Jen had stopped only moments earlier...

Wow that felt good...

They both knew, deep down, that they were becoming like a drug to each other...

Which was a good thing. An _amazing_ thing...

Wasn't it?

Jen suddenly realised just how open they'd both been in public and it worried her. _How _had she allowed them to be so reckless? What if her ex had been watching them again, hidden in the crowd? With a camera? Intent on more revenge? How _could_ she have been so stupid?

Then she felt herself quiver and melt as Tilly's fingers felt under her dress and traced lacy patterns up her thighs and across the skin of her abdomen, lingering at the waistband of her knickers, and then moving up her sides towards her breasts, and she knew, suddenly, precisely how!

She tried to keep her mind alert and in control, in spite of the waves of pleasure Tilly was making her feel. She thought of Diane. Yes, she'd told her this was nothing to worry about; she wasn't in love...but that was a lie. It wasn't just about their insatiable lust either; there were true, deep, heartfelt feelings there to contend with too, she knew.

So, what if...?

She'd better do some research into her legal position with this situation, _just in case_, she thought distantly to herself, remembering Diane's words about her 'taking advantage of a young girl' and then she inwardly smiled, because it seemed, right now, that the young girl in question was the one who was completely _in_ control; it was, in fact, _Jen_ who was being taken advantage of! Not that she was complaining – Tilly was _amazing_ at touching her...

Then she found she couldn't think of anything anymore; the sensations Tilly was creating in her were too strong to fight, especially when she didn't want to fight them! And so, again, she allowed it, and melted right into it, conscious only of hands, fingers, mouths, tongues, and other silken areas...

It _was_ like a drug. A very powerful one. And now she couldn't tell if that was a good thing or not. She just knew that, like Tilly, she was addicted.

Bizarrely, some small part of her that was still partly conscious of the world around her, heard, suddenly, a half-remembered echo of her grandmother's voice speaking to her as a child... _It'll all end in tears! **You'll** see._..

Then the sensations and emotions that swam and swirled all over her completely saturated her mind, and she sank sweetly into a forgetful bliss.

.

.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

"_Kiss me..._"

She whispered the words into the seductive darkness that was Jen's hair, as it framed Jen's face, which was completely entranced with her.

The words filled the air between them as Jen looked down at Tilly, sitting there on the ancient seat looking up at her, just inches away. Tilly's eyes were unguarded and shone their longing for her in the late summer's light, which was beginning to ebb away into an evening dusk across a pink sky...

"You're beautiful. Do you know that?" Jen murmured back and used her index finger to sweep the hair out of Tilly's eyes. Then she smiled, warmly, mischievously, the smile fading as she fixated on Tilly's eyes first and then her mouth, where her gaze stayed, unwavering.

Tilly reached up then, towards Jen's face, wanting the secretive silken world of her skin; wanting to stroke it where it lay waiting for her touch; hiding underneath her beautiful hair, almost black, which now fell down around Tilly; caressing her face as Jen bent down even closer to her.

Jen's were the most mesmerising eyes Tilly had ever seen – usually an alluring hazel shade, but darker right now, more mahogany, because they were so full of emotion as they gazed down at her. If love was an ocean, then it was like looking into the deepest, most fathomless part of it, Tilly thought. Jen had lost herself momentarily, Tilly could see, and it made her want her all the more. In fact, Tilly herself felt she was being pulled into a more private, sultry place the whole time she was looking into Jen's eyes. She knew she wanted to live in those eyes forever... She felt her stomach flip again and her heart skip another beat, electrified in a current of attraction still so strong it took her breath away. The need to touch her was too powerful to resist, so she didn't try and fight it.

"Kiss me... please..." Tilly repeated, barely breathing out the words, faintly, desperately. She stroked her fingers through Jen's silky hair, to caress her beautiful satin skin once again, this time at the nape of her neck, and then she drew a playful line around her ears before feeling the thickness of her dark hair again – that part which had been lifted up loosely into a ponytail. God, how she loved to touch her!

Jen's body tensed at her touch and shook slightly. Yet she maintained her stillness, like a passive observer enthralled by a sculptured work of art. Jen's stillness defied the surge of emotion which was urging her onwards. It was like a tsunami, her immense feelings for the younger student, who was sitting beneath her, looking up at her adoringly; her feelings collectively surged inside her in one giant pulsing wave; it swelled her heart with its strength and urgency. Yet, despite its power, Jen remained as she was: still, controlled. That is... apart from the frantic beating of her heart, the ragged pattern of her breathing, and the mesmerised searching of her eyes, which never left Tilly's face. They drank in its expressions, and the fluctuating tension of her lips – which moved to speak again...

"Jen – " Tilly whispered a third time, "Jen, I'm _begging_ you. I can't _bear_ it. _Kiss_ me!"

Hearing her name repeated seemed to wake Jen out of her earnest trance and she blinked and immediately smiled at her... a gentle, slow smile. Then she moved both of her hands to hold either side of Tilly's face, so gently, as if it was fragile and easy to break. She bent further forward, so that their noses touched lightly, and kissed her tenderly, her partly-open lips lingering on Tilly's before breaking away for air...

Tilly melted right into her kiss and knowing that, and feeling it, made Jen melt too and respond by kissing her slowly, tenderly, searchingly again. And again. And again...

It didn't matter that their surroundings were so humble and scruffy. It didn't matter that they were only together there, in the half-derelict, abandoned hut that Tilly had known about and taken Jen to, out in the wooded part of the park not far from the church ruins near the centre of the village. No one went there, she knew, so it had become something of a get-away for them; a stop-gap where they could occasionally meet up without the danger of being spotted, and they had made it a cosy retreat, of sorts, by adding candles and (cheap) throws to cover a sparse selection of old furniture – a tatty armchair and two-seater sofa... But right now it didn't matter that it was worn-out and very basic and hardly the usual romantic environment: it felt, to both of them, that they were in fact together in a place that was rich and luxurious; exotic and palatial; exquisite.

The summer breeze touched the warped wooden door and window to make them both shiver and rattle slightly and Jen broke off, looking up, suddenly scared. She was suddenly aware again of what it would mean if someone followed them and saw them together... Like this. No, they weren't naked, but both of them were revealing the occasional glimpse of bare torso or bra; chest bone or collarbone and expanse of neckline – all areas which had already been covered with slow, delicate kisses and caresses – because both of them were half-undressed with their tops half open and either off a shoulder or rippling imperceptibly in the warm, gentle breeze... Jen particularly loved to nuzzle into Tilly's neck, breathing-in her faint floral scent the whole time she was kissing her, as she had just been doing a moment ago, and the way it made Tilly giggle, and shiver coyly, made Jen want to do it all the more. But now she was tensed, alert and listening, eyes zeroed-in on the rattling door...

"What?" Tilly asked in another whisper, worried by the sudden look on Jen's face and her stiffened posture.

Jen paused for a moment longer, listening intently. And then she relaxed, and turned back to her, smiling once more; coming-in close again so their noses were almost touching.

"Nothing. I thought I heard someone outside... but it was just the wind."

"Oh. You're sure?"

"Yes."

Jen smiled again, touched by the look of concern in Tilly's eyes, and by her maturity at understanding, fully, the dangerous predicament Jen was in.

Jen pushed that thought to the back of her mind. Or tried to.

Yes, she'd gone online and done some research into her position, legally, over Tilly, and she'd found to her horror that Diane was completely right: if they were discovered she would indeed go to prison, for being inappropriately intimate with a minor – and, so it seemed, because she was, as her teacher, legally in a position of trust, which the law would see as her abusing that position with someone under the age of eighteen... If only they were a year on, and Tilly was eighteen now, they would be fine. But they weren't, and she wasn't. Being in love didn't matter in the eyes of the law: that would be it, Jen would face possible _years_ in prison for the crime of: 'Abuse of position of trust'!

Jen also knew it would mean the end of _any_ teaching career for her. When she'd first felt her attraction for Tilly (almost immediately on seeing her), the moment she realised how far she could fall for her, she'd been frequently worried by nightmarish thoughts of being publicly humiliated – by accusations of exploiting one of her students, and worse – being labelled that hideous name: paedophile! Either way, Jen knew she stood to lose _everything_! And she feared for Tilly too, who faced such a promising future as Keeler's best hope for Cambridge – after which, well, all the doors in the world would be open to her. Yet if her reputation was publicly tarnished by this socially forbidden relationship, what then? Jen doubted Cambridge would overlook it and base their acceptance of her purely on her grades, no matter how good they were. No, it was all too scary to contemplate, for both of them: they both had _so_ much to lose!

But Jen also knew that Tilly was now an integral part of her... So how she could live, how she could _exist_ without her, she simply did not know. And simply stopping it and not seeing each other for the rest of the year, until Tilly reached the acceptable age of eighteen, was also, she knew, completely impossible: they were in too deep with each other. It was too late...

So Jen pushed that thought to the back of her mind. Again. And, instead, drank in the beauty of Tilly's adoring face, gazing up at her.

"You look far away," Tilly was saying, "Come back to me."

Jen smiled reassuringly at her, looking at her mouth and then up to her eyes; unknowingly making Tilly's heart leap at the same time, and ache with longing.

"What are you thinking?" she asked simply, curious to know what was going on in Jen's head.

"Oh, just looking at you. You take my breath away Tilly. You really don't know how much."

Tilly smiled back coyly, shyly dropping her gaze, heart racing, body throbbing.

A look of regret crossed Jen's face. "I'm sorry I can't do the Paris trip with you right now after all. If only those job interviews hadn't come up in the meantime we might have actually gone, eh? Sorry. One day though, I promise. As soon as I can."

"_Hey_, I've already _told_ you it's _okay_. Jen, it's _amazing_ you've been called for interview at _two_ schools already. _Isn't_ it? I thought you'd be over the moon. All that hard work filling out applications has paid off. It's what you've always wanted; a full-time teaching job in Art. Just _think_ of all those creative minds you can show the beauty of the world to! Wow, I'm jealous of _all_ your future students!"

Tilly's up-beat encouragement placed a warm smile back on Jen's face. Yet again, the student-teacher felt in awe of her mature take on life and felt moved that she cared so much for her to be happy. She wanted to wrap her up and consume her everywhere!

"Ha! And I'm jealous of all your future teachers!" she replied, grinning. "_Now_..." Jen resumed emphatically, "..._where_ was I? Ah, yes..." and she drew herself into Tilly once more, stroking her face with both hands, gently rubbing her nose up and down Tilly's, and then she pressed her mouth into hers once again for more soulful kissing...

The summer breeze made the warped wooden door and window of the half-derelict hut shiver and rattle again at its gentle touch, and this time there came the added sound of the branches of one of the trees, which moved to tap faintly against the roof above them, while the other surrounding trees whispered secretively, knowingly; they created a hushing sound, like distant water, which was soothing.

Jen finished unbuttoning Tilly's floral blouse and moved her hands inside it, to stroke her perfect porcelain skin beyond, and then moved herself lower, breaking off her exquisite kisses to reposition her sultry mouth onto Tilly's ribcage, just beneath her bra, where she began again to kiss, and caress her with her mouth, her tongue, moving down... and down... and down... Tilly's breathing quickly became heavy, laboured, and she threw her head back and closed her eyes in a breathless moan...

This time Jen didn't stop to listen for footsteps or other, different, breathing outside the hut, hidden by the sound of the rattling wood and tapping trees in the summer breeze. She felt safe and was lost again, _deep_ in the moment...

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	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

Tilly's auburn curls fell across her forehead and over one side of her emerald eyes, as she glared sulkily up at her, and Jen fought the urge to brush them gently to one side with her fingers: she knew her hand would be knocked back. Jen also had to fight the urge to kiss her; she looked so insanely attractive and cute when she was mad, and she was totally, utterly, fuming with her!

"Look, I _do_ understand how you feel, you know..." she tried her best to placate her.

"_Do_ you? You _sure_ about that? You seem very calculating to me right now, Jen. It's all about _you_, isn't it? You and your oh-so-precious career!"

"Hey, _that's_ not fair!"

"Not fair? Not _fair_?" The emerald eyes flashed an icy glare at her again and Jen's heart skipped a beat in direct response, in spite of the atmosphere between them. "...I'll tell you what's not fair, Jen. It's not fair that I either have to stay hidden all the time when I'm with you or you're on edge all the time and worrying that your ex is stalking us with a camera, or something like that – either way, you're treating me like your dirty little secret! How the _hell_ to you think that makes me feel? _Well_?"

"_Hey_! That's just not _true_ Tilly! What about that day in town when I took you three for coffee and cake? It was _you_ who was pulling away from _me_ when I crept up behind you to kiss you! You're not being fair!"

"Oh, on that one and only occasion, Jen! But what about the times since then? And last night when we were in the shack you were really on edge and didn't look like you wanted to be there..."

"Tilly, that's absolute rubbish and you know it! You're being unreasonable now. Have you forgotten how I covered you in kisses last night? Is that the behaviour of someone who doesn't want to be there, with you? I _always_ want to be with you, you _know_ that! It's just not _possible_ to be as open and unguarded as you want me to be all the time. _Why _can't you understand?"

"Understand? Oh I understand all right Jen! Yeah, of course, I know you need a job and I'd love to see you really happy and successful in teaching – I think you're an amazing teacher – but not at the expense of...this... of you and me...being together..."

"Tilly – "

"Don't you Tilly me! One minute you say you love me – yeah, _sure _you do! – cos the next minute you're shoving me into a taxi, or around the corner, or... something! Because you want me out of the way so you don't have to acknowledge me to anyone; so you can ignore me if anyone else is in earshot!"

"Tilly, once again that's just not true! What about at Vinicelli's? We were together, actually very _stupidly,_ intimately, in a public bar that was absolutely _full_ of people who were _totally_ aware of us; watching us. I took a real risk with you that night! You have no idea!"

"Yeah, and it stopped you relaxing properly with me too, didn't it? You pushed me away. Remember?"

"Oh, come on! You gave me no choice! Even if the teacher thing and age thing wasn't an issue, I'd've still had to do that because things were getting too – heated – between us for a public place! It would have been pornographic if I hadn't put a stop to things."

Tilly glared at her again, petulant, even though somewhere inside she knew Jen had a point.

"And I didn't want to push you away. It absolutely killed me to do it. You know that. Or have you forgotten the back seat of the taxi ride? And that's another place, semi-public, where I gave in to you and made love with you... Only because it was dark enough to be private, granted, but I'm sure the driver's eyes were on stalks trying to see us the whole time... Come on Tilly! Get it out. I know the real reason you're so mad is because of what I've just said – isn't it? I'm only being a realist Tilly. And maybe you can't see that because of your age?"

"Oh, I'm just some stupid kid then am I? Huh. Thanks for nothing!" Tilly stomped across the old worn stone flags of the ruined church where Jen had texted her to meet that morning. She kicked another stone to the side; she was hurting so much inside with the news Jen had just told her – that as much as she loved her, with all her heart, she just didn't see how they could keep it up once she got a job... "For fuck's sake Jen." She lashed out at the air around her, pacing back again. "How utterly crap do you think you've made me feel? And after we've been so...close... Don't I mean anything to you? More than your sodding career? And to think I was really excited for you getting those two interviews..." She started to move past Jen, as if on her way out of the church ruin and away from any more discussion with her.

Jen caught tight hold of her arm and pulled her towards her roughly. Tilly wrestled against her. Jen was easily strong enough to hold her though, regardless: she was determined to get through to her.

"Tilly, _look_ at me."

Tilly deliberately stared at the floor; anywhere but Jen's face.

"_Look_ at me!" Jen pulled her more roughly to a standstill right in front of her, so she had no option but to look into her hazel eyes, shining now in anger.

"Can't you see it in my face just how much you _mean_ to me, how much I _love_ you? How on _earth_ do you think I can hide it anymore? And that's just too dangerous for me right now, for _both_ of us actually. Which is why we can only do this in secret, Tilly. I am _not_ going to be the reason you fail your grades or miss your chance at Cambridge. And it's _not_ some failing or denial of my feelings for you, that I don't want to publically announce you as my girlfriend, Tilly; it's because I don't want to spend the next few years in _prison_! Honestly! You have no idea just how _dangerous_ this is! And yet I really want us to work, so why can't we try to be as safe as possible for the time being, with a view to being more together later on, when you're eighteen or not my student anymore? Think about it, all I'm saying is we need to be more careful, even more secretive, until then, or, if we can't, we'll have to cool it for a while... Come on. You know I'm right. _Look _at me!"

Moodily, Tilly stared at Jen, as she had been holding her gaze throughout her little speech. She was mad at her, yes, because she knew Jen was right and she was tired of it. She wanted to lash out against the social constraints that bound them to secrecy. So much for bloody Foucault and Gormley and pushing boundaries; testing conventions: sensible, judgemental society sucked!

Jen moved suddenly, before Tilly had chance to pull back, and planted a fiery, forceful kiss on her lips that left her gasping. She glared back at her, fuming, but also irritatingly turned on. How _dare_ she have that effect on her when she wanted to be mad at her!

Jen repeated the move, this time Tilly seeing her coming and trying to move away in protest...but Jen's arms were, once again, like velvet covered steel bars that held her in place, regardless of her protest, and the more she clenched her lips together, the more Jen's fiery probing was arousing, and Jen knew this; she could feel it in the tension and conflict in Tilly's lips, and smiled seductively in that secretive way of hers that made Tilly's heart melt. But Tilly really was mad with her – perhaps unreasonably so, she acknowledged to herself – but she was fed up with their situation and its constraints, and she wanted to wallow in her own anger, so was also mad at the instinctive erotic power Jen had over her. Well _not_ any more! She was _determined_ to fight it, as much as she didn't really want to; as much as she actually wanted to succumb to Jen's talents and strip both their sets of clothes off and make love with her right there in broad daylight. No. She was _determined_ to regain some control over things! Let Jen stew over her, even if she did have two interviews to prepare for. _She_ should be more important than them, surely!

So she waited for Jen's beautiful eyes to close into the next firm, fiery kiss, and she waited to feel her arms relax into it too, for just a brief second, and then, fighting her own urge to remain and kiss her there and everywhere for the rest of the day, she pushed off and broke free from a suddenly surprised and hungry woman.

"Tilly!" Jen called after her breathlessly, as Tilly wasted no time in marching away. "Tilly! Please!"

How the hell was she going to get her head together for her imminent interviews – two in one day – when she knew that all she would be thinking about was Tilly? How _could_ Tilly be so selfish? But then... how could she, herself, be so selfish to expect Tilly to drop everything for _her_? She hoped with all her heart that she hadn't lost her; she knew how hard Tilly found it and wished she could understand what she'd been trying to say... It was these interviews, making her feel so vulnerable about...things, she knew deep down. She hated seeing her hurt.

Jen looked a lonely figure, deep in thought, as she made her way back to the flat to go over, yet again, the string of possible questions to prepare answers for in interview. She knew she had no choice but to try to focus on preparing for them – even though she also knew her heart wouldn't be in it.

She wished she hadn't said anything to her about putting things on hold for the time being. It was only because she was trying to be responsible – that moment in Vinicelli's when they'd both almost lost control had really scared her more than she'd first realised...

_"Tilly, don't give up on me, please."_ she whispered to herself as she turned down the alleyway back towards Diane's. The buildings all seemed to lean in and over her, as if passing judgement against her feelings for her beautiful talented lover. An old feeling of nervous dread began to creep its way into the pit of her stomach, leaving her feeling empty and lost.

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	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

It was no use! She'd spent _hours_ writing notes of things she could say to answer the string of interview questions in front of her, and she'd spent _hours_ collecting, and trying to make sense of, the 'value-added' student data for her classes and what it showed, as a way of proving her worth as a teacher...and yet, hours later, it _still_ wasn't going in!...

The basic truth was, she had to admit, she just didn't care enough about it anymore. And _that_ was something she was _completely_ shocked to realise!

She stood up and stretched, trying to ease her back which was aching from being bent over for so long while she had pored over the mess of paperwork and handwritten notes on her desk. She stared at them hatefully, wanting to sweep them off and onto the floor or into the bin in defiance. She wanted to shout and scream at the walls which were closing in on her, and at Diane for all she represented about social constraints and responsibilities, even though she'd only just taken up a cup of tea for her; it sat there on her shelf, smugly, waiting for her attention, its steam swirling upwards to escape the confines of the mug which imprisoned it. She glared at its audacious cheek, jealous of the steam's easy escape route...

She shook her head. This wasn't good. What was she thinking, being jealous of a bloody cup of tea? _Come on you bloody idiot, get a hold of yourself!_ she scolded herself. She felt suffocated. She had to get out of there; get some air...

She grabbed her jacket, her bag, her keys, and left the room and the untouched cup of tea and made her way downstairs, not stopping to speak to Diane on her way through to the front door and out into the porch and the world outside. Diane called out something to her – it sounded like a supportive, interested enquiry into how it was all going – but Jen ignored it, impatient to breathe-in the fresh air of momentary freedom.

The daylight of midday blinded her for an instant but it didn't stop her from marching onwards. She just wanted to walk; walk away from everything. Her mind was deliberately switched off – partly because it was, actually, saturated with data and note-making and questions and interview nerves – and partly because if she didn't switch it off she'd only keep thinking about Tilly, who was refusing to return her calls or texts, leaving her feeling moody and abandoned and hurt.

If she was honest with herself, she was scared. Scared of losing everything... Scared of losing her reputation, and her freedom if she was imprisoned... Scared of not getting a job and not being able to pay her way... Scared of having to face up to her critical parents, again, who so easily thought she was nothing more than a waster who'd never make anything of herself... But more than this, if she was honest with herself, she was more scared she was going to lose Tilly, the one and only person she'd ever really truly loved, who she thought she had perhaps already blown it with.

But she _wasn't _being honest with herself. Jen was too good at lying to herself and pretending; she'd been doing it all her life in one way or another, from the first time she realised she had stronger feelings for her best friend at Junior School than perhaps she should, and the time she realised she wasn't the slightest bit interested in the boys in her class, who always wanted to play kiss-chase with her; that in fact she'd much rather kiss the top of the head of her friend instead...

Her feet had taken her to Campus Cafe before she realised where she was, so she decided that, yes, in fact, that was just what she needed: a total change of scenery before tackling the cliff-face of paperwork again. She ordered herself a large latte and picked up one of the tabloid newspapers lying around on an abandoned table, soon taking both things to a comfortable sofa in the corner just by the door. She put her drink down, grabbing a tentative sip first, and then gratefully sunk into the indulgent softness of the leather seat. She leaned back and closed her eyes for a moment, finally feeling that she could slow her breathing to a more reasonable calm.

It was when she opened her eyes that she saw her. Tilly was sitting on the far side of the room facing in her direction but not showing any sign of having seen her; she was deep in thought, staring into the bottom of an oversized cup and saucer, stirring the remnants of a cappuccino with a spoon, as if making absent-minded patterns there.

Jen fought the urge to move to sit beside her: she didn't know if she'd be rejected again, and was not convinced that either of them would be able to control any interaction between them without raising suspicions from the other customers in the room. So she moved the newspaper up, lifting it slightly to cover most of her face while she pretended to study its inside pages.

But it was that slight movement that caught Tilly's attention and she looked up just in time to see Jen see her and then hurriedly look down. Tilly burned inside. Seeing her there, so close yet so far away, was more upsetting, more painful than she could have ever expected. She wanted her so badly, but didn't want her at the same time; she was scared of being rejected and hurt again, and again, and again, and yet she also knew that wasn't fair to think of Jen in those terms. However much she felt frustrated and pushed away, less important to her than her bloody career, she did deep down understand. She just hated it. And because she loved Jen so much, it seemed it was her she had to take that hate out on.

She couldn't bear it anymore. In fact, neither of them could. At the same time that Tilly, without thinking, got up from her seat and, grabbing her bag, marched out towards the door and past Jen, ignoring her deliberately, noticeably, so Jen also spontaneously got up, grabbing her things and leaving her second untouched drink of the day, and turned to leave. Both women spontaneously and separately met at the doorway.

They both froze, not looking at each other, for longer than necessary. And then Jen ushered her outstretched hand before Tilly and said simply "After you."

Tilly didn't acknowledge her. At all. She just walked on, ahead, through the open space, head held high. It killed Jen to see it. What should she do? She wondered. How could she make things right between them again? She felt at a total loss, Tilly by now halfway down the steps moving away from her.

"Tilly! – " Jen called after her. "Tilly, could I have a word please?" she used her polite, teacher voice. But Tilly just kept on walking. Walking away. As Jen's heart thudded, and stuttered, and broke.

_Damn you then!_ Jen thought fiercely, hurt far more than she was prepared to admit to herself. She turned on her heel back to the flat; back to Diane's cloying, suffocating kindness; back to the cliff-face of paperwork she still had to climb for tomorrow's interviews. She was more determined now than ever of performing well in them. _Damn you Tilly Evans! If you don't want me anymore, then I sure as hell don't want you!_

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	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

She was running.

She was running hard and fast.

Her heart rate was exploding inside her. Her veins throbbed with the pulsating blood racing through her body. In fact, everything throbbed. Each and every one of her joints ached from the incessant pounding of her limbs; of her feet thudding against the sodden ground. Her muscles were stiff with exhaustion and with their constant tensing as she ran, to try to ensure a safe, steady footing across the slippery rain-soaked grass. Every now and then she'd skid and her heart would skip a beat – what bit of her broken heart there was left, that is. Because that organ throbbed too, and not just because of this exertion.

She was running scared. She knew she was. And she was running to escape the pain that she knew would be searing through her, tearing her apart the moment she stopped.

She felt half dead. Robotic again. She was only vaguely aware of the icy drops of rain smacking against her bare shoulders, face and thighs, and running rivulets down her back and arms and across her breasts like freezing fingers. She could barely see through the cloud of rain surrounding her, like being trapped inside a never-ending mist of tears being blown along by the uncaring wind. She couldn't tell, anymore, which were tears of rain and which were her own; she was so wet through, her silk camisole and shorts were sticking to the contours of her body as she ran...

Then someone was calling her through the mist. The voice was distant at first but came nearer and nearer, swimming through the sea of tears to reach her exhausted body, until it sounded so loud it almost seemed to hit the air around her in thuds, calling her... urgent... demanding. ...Tilly?

"Jen?"

"Jen?"

"Jen!"

She woke suddenly, her body in shock, drenched in sweat. Her feet were tied up in the bed covers; they had been running so fast. She lay, half on, half off the mattress. Everything was damp and wrinkled. She felt terrible!

There was another knock at the door, and she remembered, with a jolt, the trapped desperation of the dream, realising that the thudding sound in the air around her had just been a polite, determined knocking on her bedroom door.

"Jen...! Come on love, you _must_ be awake by now!" Diane's voice came through the door to her.

"Oh, sorry Dianne – I'm just – coming – I'll be down in a sec, thanks," Jen pretended an outer calm.

"All right then love, but hurry. That was the phone for you again. They're phoning back in ten minutes. One of the schools you went to yesterday, I think. ...Oh, and there were two messages left on the answer-phone while I was out...Do you want me to listen to them and tell you who they're from? They're bound to be for you..."

"Erm, no thanks, I'm on my way down Diane. Thank you."

"Ok then, I'll stick the kettle on."

Footsteps on the landing walked away and downstairs.

Jen sat up. She felt stiff and uncomfortable and just wanted to sit under the shower to wake up properly, but knew she had to be seen downstairs, apparently keen to arrange things and be pro-active again on the job front – at least make an appearance, even though she felt like running away in reality. So she stripped off her damp things and aimed for better comfort in her dressing gown which she wrapped tightly around her naked body before making her way down.

The phone started ringing the moment she reached the bottom stair and Diane picked up: "Oh, hello again. Yes, she's just here. I'll put her on." Then she passed the phone across to her.

Jen took it with a polite smile at Diane, who smiled eagerly back at her and crossed her fingers on both hands which she held up in a gesture of support.

The voice on the phone was recognisable as the Head of Ellesmere Green, the school she had gone to for her first interview yesterday, first thing in the morning. She'd had a good vibe from the place, and the staff and students, and had really liked the Art department's small suite of classrooms and resources, and she'd come away feeling confident because she thought she'd talked a good talk and had been in a strong negotiating position with having another interview to go to that afternoon...

Yes, it was true that, as the dream reminded her, she wasn't truly convinced anymore that a job in teaching was the answer to her often directionless life path, because it would certainly get in the way of any open, public, relationship with Tilly, who she knew already she absolutely adored... But while all that was true, she was also a realist: bills had to be paid with _something_, and she really was completely broke now, owing Diane over a month's rent already! She needed this. She needed a job.

So she shook away all thoughts of happiness with Tilly, and crossed her own fingers as she took the call.

Diane watched as Jen was charmingly polite and enthusiastic... and she watched as Jen's expression shifted, from a beaming smile, full of energy and excited expectation, to a resigned stare of disappointment, so that, when she came off the phone, she was already primed to pat Jen on the shoulder and say "Never mind, eh? There'll be others, love. Maybe the other one you went to after that one, eh? ...Here, I'll make that cuppa" and then she moved away towards the kitchen to allow Jen some space to gather her thoughts.

When she came back, two mugs in hand, and handed one of them across to Jen, who still looked deep in thought sitting there staring at the rug, she gestured to the answer-phone and said "Well? Why don't you listen to the messages eh? You never know Jen, one of them could be really good news..."

Jen looked up at her, seemingly dazed; her mind clearly on something else. Then she shook her head slightly (Diane was almost sure she heard her whisper _"Get a grip!"_ to herself under her breath), and nodded in agreement. She stood up and moved to the phone base where she pressed the 'play' button for the messages...

The voices entered the room, one after the other...

The first was indeed from the second school she'd gone for interview at yesterday. It was very friendly, and actually seemed very impressed with her, but once again the news was not good: the job had gone to the internal candidate – a woman Jen had not been particularly impressed with, because she'd seemed to not have much personality or creativity – odd, perhaps, for an Art teacher – but Jen wasn't surprised either, since she had appeared to know everyone on the staff, having already worked there on supply for over a year. Jen already knew enough about the world to know that politics existed in _all _walks of life – even teaching!

And so it came to the second voice...

It was clearly recognisable as Mr Keeler, even before he politely introduced himself. Once again, like the previous message, it was very friendly and impressed with her, but this time the message was different: he was not only inviting Jen for an informal interview-style 'chat', but was actually intimating that the new Art teacher's job at the college was hers, if she wanted it.

"YES!" Diane punched the air, while she leaped up in open delight and excitement for Jen... whose face mirrored the turmoil within her, as she sank down in shocked despair on the armchair.

_No! _Jen's inner voice screamed...

Yet _how_ could she say no to that? When she'd been so open about saying to Diane how much she really needed a job – really, she realised now, only paying lip service to her, to keep her contented about the overdue rent and to keep her off her case over Tilly... And she really _did_ need the money, so _how_ could she pass up such a gift of an opportunity?

...But _how _on _earth_ could she break the news to Tilly? Who was already refusing to speak to her? Who would think that she'd planned this all along and had gone behind her back and decided it without her agreement? And _how _on _earth_ could she _ever_ hope to get Tilly back with her, and make it work, if she was, indeed, her teacher for one more year? Their relationship had become so much more intimate and serious now, and they had moved forward as a proper couple, she now realised, in spite of it being furtive and tense and secret. To go back to being distant and separate and like strangers; pretending a teacher–pupil formality between them – well, how on earth could they do that? It would not only be impossible, she was sure, but also awfully painful: it would be _impossible_ to have to see her, every day, and not be able to touch her...

She didn't know _what_ she'd been thinking would happen when she got a teaching job – Tilly had known all this even before _she_ had fully understood, now, what it would mean for them. But Jen also realised that, as much as she had been burying her head in the sand, she had also had at the back of her mind an idea that even if she got a teaching job, as long as it was somewhere else where nobody knew Tilly – her age, or the fact that she'd been Jen's student – they could still be together and even start to be more open about their relationship... She realised, too late now, that she had secretly been hoping for that all along... But time had run out on the job front. She'd had her best chance with her two interviews; there were no others at the moment, and schools were already preparing themselves for the onset of the new term which was due to start again in a couple of weeks' time... Her hand was forced to accept this job: she _had_ to act.

Didn't she?

"Come on Jen! Aren't you pleased? You should be _thrilled_! It's _just_ what you wanted!"Diane said, excited. Jen forced a smile.

"Yeah, you're right Diane. Wow, I'm in shock I think! I need some air... can't believe it... Right! I'll have a quick shower and then I'm nipping out for a bit." And with that she rose and carried her hot mug with her, back upstairs, desperate to feel the stinging jets of the shower whip against her unprotected body, as if some kind of pain or punishment was the only way she could bring herself to numbness, to deaden the pain of her heartache for Tilly that pulsed inside her...

Diane was left watching her disappearing back in surprise. Ah well. Jen would soon come round and realise what such good news it was for her. Diane was really happy for her. All that hard work had finally paid off.

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	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

"Please – don't..." Jen spoke softly, pausing, unfinished, as she saw the hurt that still lingered in Tilly's eyes. Tilly was about to turn away from her, and walk back through the old wooden door of the shack.

"Don't go..." Jen urged again softly, from where she was sitting on the old, second-hand couch, looking up at her. She'd been waiting for her on the off-chance that she'd come back there at some point.

She'd been waiting for hours, it felt like.

And then, when Tilly had finally appeared, before she'd had chance to process the fact that Jen was already there, waiting for her, talking to her; while she'd stood frozen, rooted to the spot at seeing her, Jen had told her the awful news; that the only job she had a chance of getting meant being her tutor at college again. It truly was awful news for them – and also awful for Jen because she was so sure it would completely cement the end for them because Tilly would just walk away in disgust at her again, or do something far worse...

"Please..." Jen didn't even recognise her own voice; it sounded so feeble and frail. Not her usual strong, feisty self; adamant; indignant. Not by any means. But somehow that didn't seem to matter to her any more.

Tilly looked up at her again from the floor where she'd been staring at a tiny crack in the wood caused by a nail hammered in too deep. She still burned inside for her, at her.

She was still too unreachable, Jen thought hopelessly. Tilly's emerald eyes were hooded now, hiding the lingering hurt Jen had seen in them moments ago: she was on her guard. Jen didn't blame her. This was all _her_ fault, she truly believed, made worse by her blowing hot and cold with Tilly in the beginning and then ending it before it had really begun, and then starting things up again and allowing herself to fall even more for her. But now the summer was almost at an end and the harsh reality of mundane daily life, like having to work to pay the bills, was kicking in, ruining everything for them. And Jen knew that _she_ was the only one of the two of them to really see it. So how, then, could she get through to her?

"I love you" Jen said simply.

Tilly snorted in disgust, rolling her eyes. She burned inside for her, at her, even more strongly. "You don't know the meaning of the word!" she muttered an angry answer.

Jen winced as if slapped. "But it's _true_! I'm not lying to you Tilly, I'm _not_! I _love _you!"

Tilly turned, as though about to leave. "Huh, you've got a bloody funny way of showing it!" she answered over her shoulder...

And then stopped.

Because the sobs that came from the couch behind her sounded so hurt, so agonised, she couldn't help but turn back round to look.

Jen was sitting bent forward now, her head in her hands, her shoulders shaking as she was trying to control herself and stem the tide of tears that insisted on pouring forth, running down her face, down her hands, down her forearms, to drip onto the wooden floor below.

Seeing her like this, Tilly felt even more hurt. Yet she was still mad at her, for being so bloody sensible and adult about it all; for representing everything that felt so wrong about society – its conventions; its constraints. And she had chosen her wish to find a job, over her wish to be with Tilly – or so it felt to her! So she hardened her heart and pursued her anger, firing it at Jen because she wanted her so much it hurt and she hated the weakness, and because, on a simple level, Jen had the power to make her happy but was choosing not to. All she wanted was to be with her, and for her to acknowledge her properly. _You shouldn't have to hide a relationship worth having_, she'd told herself over and over again. So she made herself impervious to Jen's vulnerability and fired her anger at her instead...

"Don't you _dare_ cry! Do you hear? Don't! You! _Dare_!" She took a step towards her, fuming with a mixture of conflicting emotions which were all swirling and mixing inside her into a fury.

Jen looked up at her, unbelieving, tears rolling down her cheeks in streams of silent pain.

"Don't you _dare_!" Tilly's eyes flashed a threat at her.

"I _never_, _ever_, wanted to hurt you Tilly! _Ever_! It's not my fault that we can't be together like you want us to be! It's _not_!..." Jen was desperate to make her see; to make this agony stop. Being apart from her for even just a few days had been absolute torture. So much so that it had really shocked her. She couldn't bear seeing her look at her with such anger and disdain. She turned her face back down towards the floor, holding it again in both hands to protect it from the throbbing and the tears that started to bubble up again.

Tilly was determined to make her look at her and take her seriously. She was _not_ going to fall for this... this... apparent _show_ of emotion! She moved to stand directly in front of her, looking down at her. "Look at me! Stop this! Stop pretending like you _care_!" she fumed.

"But I _do_ care!" Jen looked up again, rivulets of tears streaking her face, glazing her beautiful hazel eyes so that they shone up at Tilly even more than usual. Tilly caught her breath. "I _do_ care about you Tilly! I care about _you_ more than anything!"

"Liar!" came the reply.

Jen visibly crumpled then. Tilly had never seen anyone appear to give up, surrender themselves from life, in such a way. She seemed to fall into herself into an even smaller, lower crouching position, as if she wanted the floor to swallow her up and be done with it. Momentarily. And then the fighter in her brought her back and forced her more upright once more, albeit head still in both hands and shoulders still shaking with raw emotion.

Instinctively, Tilly lowered herself down, needing to see her face which was now hiding behind hands that were acting as defensive barriers. For a moment, Tilly felt like the adult, suddenly having to check on a child who needed help. It was enough to make a small dent in Tilly's armour of anger. And that small dent was the start of a way back to her compassion; a start of remembering the feelings she had for this beautiful, talented woman before her, who didn't deserve to be left, curled into her hands, in a heap, only inches above the floor.

Tilly felt a pang of guilt. She hesitated briefly and then said: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to call you a liar like that Jen, ok?... Jen?"

There was no response: Jen had seemingly withdrawn into herself completely.

And now Tilly's anger began to completely evaporate and be replaced with concern: she was worried about her. "Look at me Jen... Jen?"

There was still no response.

Tilly reached out to hold her wrists, prepared to wrestle them away from her face, but they came away easily: Jen had no fight left in her. They felt limp. Her eyes were closed, although tears were still seeping forth.

"Jen? ...Jen?"

There was still no response. She seemed to be a shell of a person. Tilly had never seen her like this – she'd never seen anyone like this before, and the fact that it was Jen made it all the more awful to see.

She completely forgot herself then; forgot her anger, her angst; her wish to hurt her as much as she'd felt hurt. She just wanted to know she was okay. She wanted her to come back to the land of the living. Seeing Jen hurting like this, so much, was actually even more painful than anything she'd been feeling for the past few days.

Instinctively, she stroked the tears from Jen's cheeks. Each strained drop made her feel more awful for causing them. Jen's eyes remained closed, but they appeared to have stopped crying. Then instinctively once again, Tilly followed her stroking hands with gentle kisses – she couldn't help it – it came naturally to her, to want to make things better; make Jen better; bring her back to life. She moved slowly, gently, across every inch of her face, from top to bottom, left to right, and then sat back on her heels, still holding her passive wrists, to wait for her to open her eyes.

It took an age.

But slowly, very slowly, Jen's eyes opened and focused their hazel shine on Tilly's. She looked exhausted. Completely drained of life and hope.

So Tilly slowly leaned forward and gently kissed her lips. "I'm sorry" she whispered. "I'm really sorry" she repeated, and then kissed her again on the lips, and again, stroking her hair in her hands and holding her face as she did so. Jen gave no response at first; her mouth remained a passive object of gentle affection. And then, by the fourth kiss she responded and kissed her back.

Tilly stood up stiffly and moved to sit beside her on the low couch. Neither of them spoke. They didn't need to. They were both completely, emotionally, drained. And they could both feel the time slipping away from them, like sand in an hour-glass. And they both knew that neither of them could stop it. Sure as anything, their whole time together was coming to an end. They just sat there together in silence and clung on to each other for as long as possible... until their time there ran out.

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	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

The warm breeze rustled the whispering sycamore and beech trees which surrounded them where they still sat, leaning together, in the shack. They could both feel the late afternoon drawing to a close; the air around them was already becoming imperceptibly cooler.

That feeling of time passing was being echoed in the natural world around them too, Jen could see, which was beginning to mark the end of late Summer with the occasional falling leaf, although these were still green and hadn't changed colour yet to mark the onset of Autumn.

That feeling of time passing had made them cling onto each other for a very long time indeed, in earnest silence; both of them overwhelmed by the strength of emotions they felt for each other, which still made both women surprised: Jen especially. And both of them were scared...of _so_ many things; of the far-reaching consequences of their union, especially now that they stood to be thrown back into that formal, distant, teacher-pupil dynamic that had meant the end of their relationship the last time... And it was mainly this, if both of them were honest, that they were _most_ scared of: losing each other again, for good. So they had not wanted to let go; they had been unable to, in fact, as if each woman was the life force of the other one, needed in order to breathe...

"Do you think we'll be okay...? Do you think we'll last through this?" Tilly was the first to voice it, resting her head in the crook of Jen's neck, on her strong, sculptured shoulder which looked smooth and tanned against her deep purple sun-top. Her face looked half-wistful; half-empty – resigned, almost, to the up-hill struggle ahead of them.

"I don't know Tilly. I really don't know..." Jen murmured a reply, almost to herself, wondering the same thing. "I hope so" she added, and stroked her hand across Tilly's face lovingly, making Tilly's eyes close for a moment, sleepily.

"One thing's for sure..." she added, after a while, a fixed look on her face, "...it's going to be hard... I don't know _how_ I'm going to cope with seeing you every day and not being able to _be_ with you, _touch _you... Oh, Tilly, it was hard enough before... But _now_..." She trailed off, not needing to spell out the intimacy they'd shared as their relationship had deepened into something far more serious and all-consuming.

"That's why I _still_ find it _so_ hard to understand _why_ you're doing it, _why_ you're taking the job." Tilly said, almost indignantly, voicing the hurt and confusion she still felt inside. She sat up and turned to look at Jen, searching her face, her eyes, for answers to help her understand. _It's 'relationship -suicide'_, she thought, so _why _couldn't Jen see that?

"Tilly – I –"

"I mean, it's not too late for you to turn it down, is it?" Tilly interrupted. "Even if, like you say, Keeler's already seeing it as a foregone conclusion that you're taking it... I mean, I know there's nothing else on the horizon, and you're running out of time, Jen, but... but..."

"Tilly..." Jen placed her warm hand on her student's cool arm and stroked it, to calm her and make her see. "Tilly, I'm _so_ sorry, _really_ I am, but I _can't_. You _know_ I can't. I thought you understood that..."

"But Jen! This is _us_ we're talking about! What we've got is so..._rare_, you _know_ it is! This is different, I _know _you know it. And it feels like you're just _throwing_ it away; _giving up_ on it, just because everyone would criticise it and fight us over it..." Tilly fought back sudden tears of anger: _god, this was SO unfair_! She wanted to scream at the world! Instead, it felt like she was almost screaming at Jen: "We're in this _together_! _Why_ _can't _we just go somewhere else, and start again? We could be together, openly, and live a real life at last... and... and...!"

"But what with? How would we pay the bills? Where would we live? Where would we go...?" Jen was still the voice of reason, even though she so desperately wanted to believe.

Tilly was adamant; she was on a roll, starting to believe the dream: "We could go... wherever we wanted! Abroad perhaps! The other side of the world! Somewhere _far _away from here where no one would know us or judge us... Somewhere near to a beautiful beach where we could paint and do _amazing_ artistic things and I could share your _passion_, and we could create something _special_ together, again and again... " Tilly moved her body in close to Jen's, pressing into her fully, letting her sense the satin curves and shapes of her, beneath her flimsy clothes. Her voice became husky and she looked deeply into Jen's eyes, still speaking: "...and we could _seduce _each other again and again. And again..." She kissed Jen's relaxed lips, opening them slightly with her gentle tongue and drawing faint swirls along and around Jen's while their mouths moulded together into a perfectly fitting shape as Jen couldn't help but return the kiss, tasting her back. Then Tilly broke off suddenly, cheekily, a daring, flirty look in her eyes...

Jen was momentarily distracted by this come-on and found it near impossible to resist Tilly's intense gaze, which felt like it was penetrating her very soul to an arousal like nothing she'd ever felt so strongly before, even with Tilly. The situation, the danger, the tension between them, as well as their clear, strong, attraction – more like hunger – for each other, seemed to be synthesising into that one moment of desire as she looked back at her, wanting more than anything to kiss her naked body, everywhere! But even inside such a powerful desire, Jen's instinct and innate fear of failure stabbed through, hurting her as it did so, as she blurted out the frustrated words...

"Oh Tilly, it's just a _pipe_ _dream_, can't you see? We'd have to survive on _more_ than just being happy together – we'd still have to _work _– I'd still have to get a job and prove myself all over again in some god-awful interviews before getting a job somewhere even half as good as the college here – and what about _you_? What about your _future_? I'd _never_ be able to live with myself if you dropped out of college without finishing your A-levels and going for Cambridge! And to know that I was the reason why you never made it, never reached your full potential... Tilly, I just couldn't _live_ like that, in the knowledge; I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror! I'd _hate_ myself for doing that to you; I'd hate myself every day! And what sort of a life would that be?"

They held each other's frustrated gaze for a moment longer, Tilly getting moody and looking down at her hands, now fidgeting angrily in her lap, before Jen continued, in a softer, more beseeching voice which stroked the small distance between them and reached out to Tilly's heart.

"Tilly, _please_ understand. _Please_ believe me when I say that if there was _any_ _other_ way round this, that seemed _remotely_ possible it would work better for us, I'd _take_ it! I'm not taking this decision lightly, no, not at all – you _must_ believe me! But I can see no other way. _Please _Tilly, _please _realise that this is absolutely _killing_ me too! _You_ saw me earlier. _You've_ seen what I've been reduced to. _Haven't_ you? Please. _Forgive_ me. I've got no choice."

Tilly stubbornly still stared down, and wrestled with the feelings she had for this beautiful woman beside her. She knew she was right, _again_! And again, she didn't like it, hated it even. So when Jen reached down gently to lift her face back up to look at her, Tilly almost fought against it...

But Jen's hazel eyes were too alluring to resist for long, especially now that they were shining so much more because of her recent tears and a deeper emotion, more basic, of her arousal... Tilly couldn't resist being drawn into them; she didn't want to miss them, and so she allowed Jen's gentle, warm hands to lift up her face and gently pull it forwards so that, as she drowned her sadness in the gleam of her hazel eyes, she also drowned in her sultry, sexy, mouth.

"Let me show you how much you mean to me" Jen said softly, after that prolonged kiss.

Tilly shivered, partly from the exquisite tension the kiss had caused inside her, but also partly because it had, suddenly, got quite cold. Jen felt it too, and looked outside. It was starting to get dark; the nights were drawing in again.

Jen had an idea. "Can you get out of going home tonight? Phone your parents maybe? Come up with an excuse?"

Tilly nodded, starting to feel cold now.

Jen continued. "Then do it. Please? Let me show you how much I love you" she repeated softly, eyes seeking out Tilly's, unabashed; adoringly.

Tilly's gaze was drawn in again to rest on Jen's alluring eyes; she nodded imperceptibly, momentarily dazed.

Jen continued again. "Come with me. Stay with me tonight. No, not at Diane's... I've got some money and my card... Let's just check in to somewhere warmer, nicer, than – this..." she gestured to the draughty wooden shack, "... Let's get snuggled up somewhere together. Come on. Let me make you feel how amazing I think you are. Let me cover you in kisses, all night long..." She broke off, her voice husky now, calling to Tilly on another, more secretive level of connection that made Tilly blush slightly.

Tilly nodded again, smiling shyly, and turned to get her phone to make that call home and make the excuse that she was stopping out at Maddie's (_She_ wouldn't mind being used as a cover, Tilly was sure, if she came up with a good enough reason why and told her tomorrow), and at the same time as Tilly turned, Jen reached for her phone and stood up to call Diane and let her know that she was staying out at a student-teacher friend's for the evening.

Both finished their calls at the same time and turned to smile across at each other. Then they gathered their things; Jen finding her keys to the jeep, and left the shack, hand in hand, thumbs taking it in turns to caress each other's as they walked down through the trees.

They walked in silence, both in tune with thoughts of anticipated love...

Wow, it was going to be an amazing night after all, Tilly knew, looking sideways at her beautiful brunette lover, already knowing how exquisite Jen's love-making was.

And Jen was determined she was going to make her feel the most special, the most loved, woman in the whole of existence... Happily ever after, eh? No, she was sure not, but tonight, for this one night, she thought, _anything_ was possible.

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	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

And so it began.

That first day of term came so fast it was shocking.

They had both been hiding from it – Jen especially. She had been filling her time away from Tilly with all the necessary preparations and making of resources; going in to her Art room at college to set up displays, rearrange furniture and organise stock; sorting-out the cupboards and stock room and dark room with a fervour even _she_ had never felt before! The hatred she felt at her situation, which she felt irretrievably imprisoned by, gave her an almost super-human energy...

Tilly had also been filling time as best she could by trying to find herself a small bar job or waitressing job somewhere, to while away the hours – steering clear, for the time being, of any art gallery work, after her last bad experience in one, when Jen's manipulative ex had almost finished her, and her and Jen's relationship, for good! Like Jen, Tilly was also restless: full of frustrated, imprisoned, longing – that gave her a restless energy she'd never felt so strongly before, and she had often found herself pacing; unable to sit, or be still at all, all through that last week of the six-week Summer break.

She'd thankfully managed to secure a job, part time, at Campus Cafe, which also meant that she still got to see her friends, who were always coming in to chat, and of course Jen, whose presence she always longed for, and who she seemed to almost always sense, entering the cafe, even when her back was turned and she was busy with someone's order...

It was as if her body, itself, knew her now, and it had happened a few times that she'd been busy making a cappuccino, frothing up the milk, when she'd felt a sudden sensation as the tiny hairs at the nape of her neck tingled and her body tensed ever so slightly and she'd turned round only to find Jen standing there quietly, watching her longingly, waiting to be served.

Every moment they were together there, in that public place, they maintained a distant, polite persona with each other for the benefit of the other people around them. But each time there was always more than one conversation occurring between them – in the silent ways their bodies moved in response to each other; in complementing, mirroring gestures; moving closer at any given opportunity... and their eyes were forever searching out each other's, whether it was across the close proximity of the coffee shop counter (when Jen always took too long to decide on what she wanted, just so she could be physically close to her), or across the wider expanse of the cafe itself, from Jen's now usual position in the far corner, facing the counter, which meant that they could still see each other and feed off each other by watching, secretively, the way the other one looked; moved; smiled; interacted, and so on...

Whenever Maddie was there she was always watching them both closely too; an amused expression in her eyes, which made Tilly more aware of herself and more flustered around Jen, and which made Jen far more worried... Jen _knew_ Maddie had sussed them – but there was nothing she could do about it, she knew that too. So she carried on as she felt she had to, acting as normal and nonchalant as possible and trying her best to focus more on her college work, and teaching, and not dwell too much on 'what ifs' and 'if onlys'. She kept telling herself, in the same way that she kept trying to reassure Tilly, that this having to be in the same space, in Campus Cafe, in public together, was good practice for what they would have to do at college all over again.

If only it wasn't so hard.

That other night, when Jen had driven Tilly to the beautiful, small, plush hotel on the outskirts of Chester, managing to book them into an upgraded large double room without a prior reservation... well, it had been perhaps the most amazing night of their lives, for both of them – Jen included.

They had made full use of the facilities, although for intimate privacy they'd opted for the facilities that came with the room rather than the more public spa facilities of the hotel... So they'd enjoyed their own, giant, marble Jacuzzi bath together, complete with twinkling lights surrounding it (much to Tilly's delight!) and later, they shared their giant shower, tiled in black granite so that it was like stepping into a pitch-black, secretive cavern, with its unusual, striking, fibre-optic ceiling lights which when switched on, gave the impression of tiny stars shining fluorescent, coloured light down on their moist, soapy, glistening bodies below... Yes, they had made more than enough use out of these facilities, finding new and exotic ways to express their love for each other, so that they felt the whole world move and Heaven itself explode inside them, together, multiple times, before towelling each other dry and collapsing, exhausted and finally satisfied at last, on the plush king-size bed which occupied the prime location in the centre of the room.

They actually hadn't emerged from the room at all, the entire time they'd stayed there; ordering room service for their meals – for a late tea, which had sat on the tray, half-touched, as they'd preferred to celebrate their shared nakedness; curling into each other's silky warmth in bed, to doze off, or watch the television, glass of wine to hand... And again in the morning they ordered room service for a late breakfast, which Jen half-fed to a sleepy Tilly in bed, in-between seductive, giggling kisses, and the promise of using her bare stomach and breasts to trial the hotel's speciality jam for tasting, before actually using it on the toast...

Yes, that night, and the morning after, would live in their hearts and minds forever, they knew; branding them somehow, as each other's property... But it had been the last time they'd been able to be together properly, and now college was looming and it all seemed like a distant dream; a fairytale fantasy they both reached for in their waking hours.

Now, the first day of term was bearing down upon them, and life was all too starkly real – as if it was a cruel, severe Winter arriving; not a colourful Autumn. And neither one of them could escape it.

So it was hard, seeing each other, at a distance, in Campus Cafe – as they'd both always known it was going to be hard – there, and later on, at college. It was maddeningly hard... to look but not touch; to be close but not close enough; to feel the tension between them build, and that constantly unresolved, primitive hunger for each other all over again, each time they met, but not be able to do anything about it...

It made them both moody and snappy with the other people around them, making Neil comment on it one afternoon to Tilly, and, quite separately, Diane comment on it one evening to Jen... who now repeatedly kept cursing her decision to accept Keeler's job; wondering, seriously, just how long she could keep it up.

Yes, it was beginning again.

The new term was starting.

And that first day of term came so fast it was shocking...

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	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

The leaves were falling as Jen made her way across the car park, with its line of silver birch trees separating it from the path into college, and she felt a sharp bite to the air, reminding her again that the sultry summer weeks were coming to an end. It made her grieve for Tilly; she felt bereft of her, knowing herself that she was struggling being apart from her now that she had fallen even more deeply for her through their frequent time together and intimacy...

The last week of the holiday had been _torturous_, seeing her across the room in Campus Cafe and not being able to do what she wanted to do, more than anything: to walk straight across, lean over the counter and kiss her, publicly, with the fiery passion that she felt so strongly. She didn't have a clue how the _hell_ she was going to cope with seeing her around, each and every day, at college! Worse still, today she'd find out for definite if Tilly was actually in one of her classes too, when the staff received their class lists and pupil data for the year ahead, which because of some clerical error this year they were having to receive at the last minute before classes actually started! So it was, actually, highly possible that she'd see Tilly's name on a class list first thing in the morning and then have to teach that first introductory lesson to her later that afternoon! She was dreading it! Especially if Sinead or Maddie were there too...

She shook her head in an effort to control her dread, concentrating instead on the weight of her two canvases and bag of text books she was carrying from the jeep across the car park and inside. It worked, for the moment, and she felt herself relax slightly. Somehow, concentrating on actual physical things made intense emotions less powerful and easier to deal with.

As she had done during her placement, last term, she'd been up early and out of the flat even before Diane was up and about. In fact, everything had been quiet and still in the flat when she'd tiptoed out – not quite as early as the dawn chorus but not long after. She'd not wanted to see and have to talk to anyone: such was her resolve to control herself fully and prepare herself for the worst: having to see Tilly...

_Tilly_... whose mouth she _still_ felt on hers; whose lips, and tongue, and fingers she could _still_ feel stroking her skin lovingly; exploring her body, inside and out; whose wonderful touches, her body _still _remembered, had taken her to heights of ecstasy, again, and again, and again, and yet it was _never_ enough; it never _would_ be enough, she already knew; she would always, _always_ want her more...

_Good God, that other night!_...

Jen tensed, mid-step, as she was about to climb the stairs up to her familiar classroom, trying, but failing, to stop any more memories slip through the taut net of self-control she was trying to knot around herself... She was failing miserably: that particular memory was _far_ too powerful...

_That other night, in the hotel room, just outside Chester..._

_Wow!..._

The memory came flooding in, crashing like a wave against and through her barriers in seconds. She barely got upstairs in time and put her things down on her desk in a daze before collapsing into her chair, staring, unseeing, at the sky outside the window. Her mind first went into overdrive, not stopping its memory of emotions that were so intense she wasn't even aware of a stream of consciousness voicing itself inside her, before the more vivid memories crashed through...

_Oh-my-god!-Oh-my-god!-Ohmygod!-Tilly!-Tilly!-Yes!-Oh-yes!-Oh-god!-Oh-god!-I-can't-believe-this-is-happening!-Oh!_...

Their room had been huge. Very spacious indeed. And the double bed had looked even bigger than a king-size and was sumptuously made in luxurious bedding of a variety of soft textured fabrics; cotton, silk, velvet; all in different, complementary hues of deep blues and purples with intricate designs relating to nature... The bed itself had seemed to Jen to be a work of art, in its prime location in the centre of the room, with the intricate stitchwork of climbing ivy creating a striking and very beautiful border to the pillows and throw. That was what had drawn their gaze the moment Jen had unlocked the door. Both of them had gasped in surprised delight at the bed and the thought of sharing its luxury, before half-running, excitedly, around it to explore, and discover, the sumptuous bathroom beyond, complete with large Jacuzzi bath and walk-in shower; both very exquisitely unique and luxurious, with beautiful finishing touches like hand-carved marble facades and unusually shaped taps which seemed to be floating from the marble wall, and stunning recessed fairy lights that made Tilly _whoop _with joy!...

Jen smiled as she remembered the magical wonder on Tilly's face... as the memory of what happened next formed itself, unwanted, firmly and vividly in Jen's mind. She closed her eyes in an effort to shut it out, but that only made it clearer to see, and watch again...

No sooner had they discovered the bathroom's delights than Jen had found herself in sudden darkness.

Tilly had switched off the main lights (There was no window ) and had just kept the warm twinkling glow of the fairy lights lit up around the bath, making it a magical scene indeed. Then without warning, she'd suddenly pressed herself up against a surprised Jen and, placing firm hands over her eyes, had instructed her to keep them closed until told otherwise. Jen had heard a slight swishing sound, and then, in no time at all, Tilly had told her to open them and Jen had been faced with the most breathtaking sight of perfect nakedness she'd ever seen!

Tilly's slim, beautiful, alabaster body stood tantalisingly close to her, like a marble statue enticing her gaze...

Jen had just looked. Looked with immediate and intense longing; appreciating her natural form as a sculptor would; some part of her longing to sketch her and preserve that pose for eternity.

And then Tilly moved towards her, so, so slowly; the whole time holding her hazel gaze with her own enticing emerald eyes, and nudged her nose and mouth up to meet Jen's in a searching, passionate kiss. Their mouths had opened and their tongues had merged together in an immediate, seductive suction which had made Jen go wild and press more firmly, more fiercely, into the kiss, taking it to a depth that had made Tilly shudder and respond to with even more passion.

And that had been it.

Jen hadn't been able to take any more.

She had almost ripped her own clothes off, tearing her top accidentally in the process, in her desire to be rid of them and able to feel Tilly's silky skin against her own, still kissing Tilly's mouth as she did so. Then she moved her hands all over Tilly's skin, as Tilly reciprocated and did exactly the same back. Every movement they both made to each other was done expressively; gently one moment, urgent the next, as though each one of them was playing a rare, precious musical instrument which required precise, expert fingering and subtle motion...

In just seconds, it seemed to Jen, they were against the cool, smooth marble, as Tilly fought Jen to the wall, pushing her naked back and buttocks against it, making Jen gasp suddenly, and breaking the lock of their mouths momentarily with its sudden force; both women looking deeply into each other's powerful gaze - which spoke, more clearly than words would have done, the message of their hunger...

Tilly's hands and fingers never left Jen's body, throughout, and as Jen was mesmerised and drawn deeper and deeper into Tilly's eyes she felt Tilly's cool hand reach between her legs to explore the warm, silky wetness Jen could already feel was lying there, throbbing...

God, how she'd _burned_ for her to touch her there! She'd wanted Tilly so badly, and after such a short time, that she could barely contain herself and she reached out her own hands to stroke Tilly's erect nipples and then smooth their loving way down between her legs too...

But she hadn't been able to go further – not right then - because Tilly's love-making was sending her over the edge, so much so that she felt suddenly unable to move; unable to function, because she wanted Tilly so badly. She wanted her inside her, suddenly, with the fingers that caressed her pubic bone, slipping between those lower lips at the same time that other fingers, from her other hand, pressed, gently at first and then more and more powerfully, deep, deep inside her, until...

Jen cried out. Suddenly gasping for air, gripping Tilly's body tightly to her; her entire body shuddered violently as she climaxed hard and fast, and immediately came again...

.

A sudden knock at her classroom door shocked Jen back to reality, making her jump. _What the – ?_

She opened her eyes and looked up guiltily to see Mr Keeler entering the room with a perfunctory smile, holding a pile of A4 papers in his hand. _Oh God!_

"Oh I'm sorry Jen, I didn't mean to startle you!" he said apologetically, smiling politely, and handed a number of A4 pages out to her. "Here's the data for each of your classes, and your student lists. Looks like you've got some great classes this year!"

"Thank you Mr Keeler, that's great, just what I needed." Jen replied politely, quickly regaining her posture and ignoring her racing heart and throbbing body and newly spreading warmth between her legs - which made her feel even more guilty and naughty under his watchful eye: a feeling of being reprimanded, and trapped, making her hate the moment and want him to leave.

"I'm sorry it's all been handed out so last minute Jen, we're not normally so disorganised going into a new academic year. It's typical though that the computers went down, and then Joyce printed out all the wrong data from the wrong year! That's why I'm running around now, to see everyone before staff briefing because we've got lots to get through in the meeting – the agenda's very long – and I want to give staff as much time as possible to process the information..."

"Yes, I see. Good idea. Well, thank you again Mr Keeler..." Jen replied politely, somehow maintaining her facade.

"Oh, call me John" he said cheerily, with a friendly smile before turning to leave the room, wanting to get the rest of the data sheets handed out to the other relevant staff as soon as possible.

On seeing him leave, Jen sighed, realising suddenly how tense she'd been just then. Good grief, _that_ had been _horribly_ close! Any longer left alone with that particular memory of their frequent and passionate love-making and she would have perhaps been far more at risk of embarrassing herself – beyond just blushing! It didn't bear thinking about! _How_ was she going to survive being at college with her? she asked herself, yet again.

She looked down at the pages in her hands, to distract herself as much as anything, and froze.

So. That was it, then.

Tilly was, indeed, going to be in one of her classes after all.

_Damn_.

How the _hell _would she be able to look her lover in the eyes across the room without everyone seeing, straight away, what was going on between them? She couldn't even control the intensity of her memories – or the physical effect they had on her body still...!

Jen was worried.

No, she was scared actually.

Very, _very_ scared indeed.

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	28. Chapter 28

_[Author's note: Thanks so much for all your support and interest with this. I am addicted to writing it and finding out what happens too, and frequently get impatient that my work gets in the way of doing it more often! Sorry about that, and thanks for waiting, even if it seems like ages for the next chapter. I hope each time it's worth the wait: please let me know either way. thanks again :-)xx ]_

Chapter 28

Perhaps it was fear, or perhaps it was something else that made Jen harden her resolve, somehow, towards Tilly that afternoon – who it turned out, she _was_ having to teach then after all.

At the end of the day, later, when Jen was by herself, she asked herself a thousand times about it and finally came to the conclusion that it had been when Keeler had walked in on her secret arousal, when she had been unable to control that powerful memory of love-making with her. At that moment, some part of her had been truly horrified. No, not at all with Tilly's loving of her, or their desires for each other, or their relationship: no of course not. No, the horror had come from Keeler's intrusion into their private world... It didn't seem so private anymore.

It had felt like a violation of her, personally, in some way – perhaps because she had been so close to the vulnerability of full arousal – but it had left her feeling ashamed; stained, somehow; marked in some negative way, as if judged harshly by society for a supposed sin... It made her feel disgusted with him (who'd been completely oblivious), and very angry, at herself and her lack of self control, and at society in general, which had no right at all to make such damning, narrow-minded judgements anyway...!

And so Jen's firm, business-like demeanour towards Tilly throughout the lesson had felt honestly distant...

And it didn't go unnoticed by Tilly either...

Always, always, _always_, Tilly knew, whenever Jen looked at her, even in a public situation where they had to be guarded with each other, she could _always_ read in Jen's eyes a deeper level of longing and true heartfelt affection. But that afternoon, throughout the lesson, on the _rare _occasions when Jen did actually look across at her (which was unusual in itself) Tilly couldn't see _any _of that in her eyes. It was as though the light had gone out in them and she was just going through the motions of functioning as a human being and art teacher.

It was hard not to take it personally and be hurt by it, and it left Tilly feeling rejected and wondering what on earth she'd done wrong to make Jen switch off towards her like that.

She'd tried everything. She'd been the first to put up her hand, most of the time, to answer Jen's questions to the class; she'd been eager and enthusiastic with the paired activities and group work in the second half of the lesson, making sure that Jen could see how focused she was and how well she was chairing the discussions and participating... She didn't know what else she could try and do to please her and get that spark back into her eyes... Until, finally, with five minutes left to go to the bell and the end of what was the last lesson of the day, she gave up and sat back, quietly watching her, feeling moody at being so overlooked and ignored; exhausted and defeated.

She hung back at the end of the lesson, making sure that she was the last one to walk out past her, hoping for some eye-contact, or for Jen to ask her to wait back for something, when she hoped she would find that everything was still ok between them after all... But there was nothing. Jen seemed to purposely chat to the two girls in front of Tilly, smiling warmly at them as she complemented them on their work, and then she seemed to busy herself with stationery when Tilly reached her desk to walk past. And at that moment Tilly couldn't talk to her about it because there were still too many students milling around. And then Diane entered, nodding distantly to Tilly as they passed each other, and went to chat to Jen, to find out how her first day had gone, so Tilly couldn't get anywhere _near_ her!

She somehow knew when she sent it, that she wouldn't get a reply, but she sent the text anyway:

_Jen, wtf? Why didn't you speak to me properly in class today? Why were you ignoring me? What have I done wrong? Tell me. Please!_

When hours had passed and Tilly still had not heard anything from her and was sitting up in pyjamas in bed, wanting Jen's warm body beside her, still staring hungrily at her phone, she had to conclude that no reply was coming. But why? Why on earth? What was wrong? She was torn between feeling violently angry at her rejection and feeling terribly worried about Jen. Was she ok? She hadn't been herself, that much Tilly knew. She'd seemed cut off somehow; lost. She'd seemed like a stranger...

The thought absolutely killed her.

She tried to rest, tried to sleep, but it was hopeless: she just couldn't relax. And if she did manage to drift off, her sleep was fitful and full of shapeless dreams with dark emotions, of loss, or anger, or hurt, or loneliness... So that the early beeping of her alarm clock was, actually, a welcome relief for once.

She dragged her tired body out of the warmth and absent-mindedly stripped; on her way around the room to pick up her fresh clothes for the day; leaving a trail of pyjamas, and discarded clothes she kept changing her mind about wearing, all across the floor. This wasn't like her! She was usually so neat and organised! But she didn't really care; she was still dazed by Jen's apparent coldness and the mystery of what had caused it...

She by-passed breakfast and somehow made it back to college; her feet just taking her there, so that it was almost a surprise to find herself back on the pathway leading down past the line of silver birch trees beside the staff car park.

Where she saw Jen's blue jeep park up and its door open.

She stood and watched as Jen emerged and bent down to pick up her yellow bag and then closed the door to walk round to the boot, where she seemed to struggle with a large pile of smaller canvases and paint trays. She was about to walk across to talk to her when the other door opened and Diane climbed out and also walked round to the boot, laughing as she did so at something Jen had said. Jen only just managed to slam the boot shut without dropping anything, which Diane again laughed at, and both women appeared around the other side of the jeep; both with their arms very full indeed with piles of new art equipment Jen must have bought last night, on a whim, from the local gallery, rather than wait to use the usual channels of ordering stock and getting it delivered.

Tilly was undecided about what to do. One thing was for sure, she couldn't see Jen's head anymore, from behind the pile of canvases and trays, so the chances were that Jen could do with a hand to help her see where she was going... That decided her. She fixed her face into a confident smile. And then, walking apparently happily, down the path towards them, Tilly met them at the bottom, just before the entrance to the Art block. She made sure to use her coolest, most polite voice when she spoke – not just for Diane's benefit, to avoid her suspicions; but also to return Jen's coolness from the day before:

"Excuse me Miss Gilmore, but I think there's going to be an accident on the stairs if I don't help you with that."

"Oh hi Tilly, no I think I'm just about ok actually thanks" came the polite reply, making Tilly's heart sink; making her angry at another rejection, of sorts.

But then Diane bumped slightly into Jen, whose top paint trays dropped to the concrete path with a clatter, Diane giggling and Jen reacting with an "Aagh!" much to Tilly's delight.

"Here, Miss, let me help you with that," she persevered.

"Oh, okay, maybe you're right then, thanks" Jen conceded, reluctantly, flashing her a polite, formal smile.

"Thanks love, ignore her, it's a good job you were there. If I drop mine you can help me with these too" Diane said, and then added, laughing: "But hey, watch out on the stairs love, I wouldn't walk up behind me if I was you, unless you don't mind being hit by falling objects, 'cause I'm rubbish at carrying things like this!" Tilly giggled politely and caught Jen's eye. Jen just smiled distantly and looked down at what she was carrying. It made Tilly's heart almost stop and she had to fight the childish urge to throw down the canvases she'd just picked up off the ground, and knock the other things out of Jen's hands.

_Never mind_, she thought to herself, _be dignified_. _Whatever's going on, you'll know soon enough_, she tried to reassure herself. It didn't work.

The three of them managed to climb the stairs to Jen's room without incident, apart from a couple of paint trays that Diane dropped right at the bottom of the stairs, and they put their piles of equipment down on two of the large wooden work benches in her room; canvases and trays spilling out across the space.

Diane reached down to pick them up off the floor as Jen and Tilly both reached across to contain the spillage and hold them all into piles; they both inadvertently reached for the same ones at the same time, though, brushing their hands and arms across each other's without meaning to. They both tensed at the touch. Tilly smiled shyly and looked up at her, enquiringly; Jen just froze. And then she let go, causing half of hers to cascade to the floor after all. Tilly was stunned. She _knew_ Jen had deliberately let go and let them fall, rather than allow her arm to momentarily rest against hers.

_What the hell –?_

Oblivious, Diane laughed at them again. "Oh, _come_ on then girls, you're making a _right_ mess!" she said. Then she bent down and started to help Jen pick them up.

"I'll go get the others" Tilly said, subdued. She wanted to escape from the proximity of being close to Jen when she so obviously didn't want to be near to her.

Walking away and down the stairs to the bottom gave her some space and some time to think: she'd noticed how Jen's behaviour to her wasn't just distant; it was almost fearful: perhaps it was all getting too much for her, seeing Tilly there, at college? Some part of her wondered what that might mean for them, and she prepared herself for the worst...

And then Diane breezed down past her.

"Well that's very kind of you love. Do you mind taking them back up? I've just remembered I need to pick up some things from Joyce in the office, ok?" she said, obviously in a rush now. Then she added: "Mind, I don't expect you to stay and chat, Tilly. You've got to get to class soon, haven't you, eh? So just make sure you don't hang around. Jen doesn't want you pestering her." She flashed her a warning look, which reminded Tilly of what Jen had told her the night she came out of hospital, when she'd returned her diary to her, that Diane had sussed them out and seen a page written there...

That evening was one Tilly knew she would return to, in her thoughts, at a later time, but right now she felt Diane's warning with a sting, and prepared herself for more heartache: for when she'd take the trays back up in a few minutes' time and would face Jen...

One thing was for certain: she knew she deserved an explanation for Jen's frosty behaviour towards her, if nothing else.

And she knew she was determined enough: she was damn well going to get it!

.

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	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29

The door creaked slightly... as if it was a nervous cough, Tilly thought absent-mindedly; all too aware of her own inner dread as she walked through the doorway and caught the alluring whiff of Jen's perfume, intermingled with acrylic paint and White Spirit...

She couldn't see her anywhere. So she walked over and gently balanced the paint trays Diane had dropped on top of the two neatened piles on one of the wooden benches to the side of the room.

She lingered there, wondering where Jen had got to; turning round to look at some of the striking art work that was hanging on the wall behind her... so that her back was turned when Jen emerged from the dark room where she had just set up some of the equipment.

Jen stopped still. She watched Tilly as she stood there, head lifted up, gazing up at the works of art on the wall. She seemed lost in thought momentarily; oblivious to the world around her, and to the raging passions Jen could feel building inside her on seeing her again – passions which had recently made her feel so scared... Yet Jen couldn't tear her eyes away from the beautiful sculpture that was her young lover. She took in everything: her porcelain, satin skin; her strong, confident poise; her toned, structured form; her fiery auburn hair, which fell with a life of its own in mesmerising waves which caught the light and played with it... Jen caught her breath. Suddenly, the disgust and dread that Keeler had inadvertently made her feel was already half forgotten as she looked across at her. Somehow, seeing Tilly, standing right there in front of her, by herself, waiting for her and no one else, made everything feel ok. It took her by surprise, just how easily and quickly Tilly had become her own personal remedy to any pain or doubt she was suffering...

Jen knew she could stand and admire Tilly for hours, days even, and not get the slightest bit bored. But still, time was speeding away. And she had a class in ten minutes. So she coughed slightly, clearing her throat; already anxious of the conversation she expected Tilly would want to have; already knowing that her fear and embarrassment from earlier yesterday had affected the way she'd behaved with Tilly later that day and just moments earlier...

But how could she explain it to her? How could she explain those feelings of terror, like some kind of panic attack, and that strong feeling of disgust, without it sounding awful? She'd tried to reply to Tilly's text; she'd tried countless times and each time she'd deleted her text before sending it... for fear of upsetting her, or worse: losing her...

Tilly turned around when Jen cleared her throat. She stood there, at a distance, facing her.

Both of them looked across the space between them, seeking out each other's eyes. They held each other's gaze for a time before Jen looked down, focusing on her hands which were restlessly, nervously, picking at her top. Tilly watched her, recognising the gesture as one that had, in the past, preceded Jen about to break her heart, as if it was her tell in a poker game of emotions. So she steeled herself for the pain, setting her face into a fixed mask of calm, and then slowly, deliberately, walked across towards her; her eyes never leaving Jen's face.

Tilly was the first to speak: "So, are you going to tell me what the hell's going on? Or am I to read your mind?"

Tilly's tone was quietly indignant, almost sarcastic. It made Jen flinch slightly, as if hurt, before she looked at her more deeply, her hazel eyes beseeching; earnest. Tilly saw the reaction but refused to allow herself to believe it: it implied that Jen actually cared, and that was a dangerous thought, one of hope, which she couldn't allow herself to feel if Jen was then going to break it off with her once again! So she continued in the same tone:

"...Come on then. Do it again if you're going to. Break my heart... Make it quick though, please Jen... Please don't draw it out longer than necessary. It hurt like hell last time; I don't think I can survive it again..." Tilly's voice was controlled, prepared, with only the slightest wobble with that last sentence, before adding: "...I just wish I knew what I've done wrong. I wish you'd tell me Jen, I really do."

The expression in Jen's eyes changed to sudden surprise. And then a look of realisation flashed across them as she saw behind Tilly's veil of control, into the wells of hurt that lay there, looking longingly back at her.

Jen felt ashamed, suddenly, of her inability to communicate properly, or to think beyond herself and see how it must have seemed to Tilly. Good grief, _she_ was supposed to be the adult! She should be looking after Tilly, who had done nothing wrong at all; who she adored with all her being! She shouldn't be putting her through this all over again!

"Tilly – I'm so, _so_, sorry –" she started, about to explain, and reassure her that this was not, in _any_ way, any kind of break-up... but then she faltered; nerves getting the better of her again, as she wondered how to word it.

But all that Tilly heard simply confirmed her expectation that she was hearing the introduction to the worst break-up speech imaginable. Tilly's nerve broke and she couldn't hold back any longer. And yet, as she was about to speak and vent her heartfelt anger, she found, to her horror, that she just burst into tears.

Jen was by her side immediately. She put her arm around her, which Tilly pushed off, crying out "Don't!" as she did so, making Jen take a step back, horrified at seeing her beautiful girl sobbing in front of her, because of her, all over again. She knew what would come next. Tilly would run out of the room; away from her. And this time, Jen sensed, it would probably be for good. She _couldn't_ allow that to happen; she just _couldn't_!

_Damn Keeler's intrusion! ...__And damn her allowing it to get the better of her so that she freaked out again!_

She firmly took hold of Tilly's arm, fighting against her struggle, and almost frog-marched her across to the dark room. She knew she only had minutes before her students would start to arrive. She _had_ to make this right. And whatever she said, she _knew _she had to make it count!

She held Tilly's head in her hands, despite her protestations, and forced her to look at her, into her eyes, as she stared deeply into Tilly's. She _had_ to make her see.

"Tilly _look_ at me... Do you see? Can you see it? Here... in my face, my eyes...? Look! _Look _at me!" Jen's voice was beseeching at first, and then urgent; frustrated that she felt so inarticulate when trying to express emotions so profound; so powerful.

But Tilly was having none of it and continued to struggle and pull away. She was determined to not allow Jen to talk her round: she had totally convinced herself that Jen really intended to finish with her and was just stringing her along now, delaying the inevitable, after the coldness she'd felt from her over the past twenty-four hours. So she deliberately made her comments cold too.

"Look at you? Why? So you can spin me a line? Tell me there's love there, after all, if I look at you long enough?" The sarcasm that lay heavy in her voice stopped Jen's momentum and confidence and she faltered again. Tilly pounced on that hesitation; her voice was like ice: "What? Have I hit a nerve, Jen? Well I'm looking, and all I can see is your pupils are bigger – oh, wait, oh yes of course, _that's_ because you're standing in a dark room! Well...? I'm starting to see through all your bullshit Miss Gilmore!"

Jen winced at the formal title Tilly used for her. "It's _not_ bullshit!" Jen burst out, tears suddenly springing to her eyes, "I'm _not_ spinning you a line! I really _care_ about you Tilly! I, I _love_ you! You _know _that! I –"

"Oh leave it out Jen; you ignored me all day yesterday! My calls... my texts... my hand up all the time in class... You didn't even acknowledge me when I left the bloody room! And today! What was all that crap downstairs? You've been so totally fucking distant with me...! And you couldn't bring yourself to even _touch_ me earlier with the paint trays, could you? You call _that_ caring? You call _that_ love? HA!" She pushed against Jen's gentle hands and stared at her coldly before turning away.

"No!" Jen reacted instinctively. Before Tilly had chance to sidestep her and exit the dark room Jen threw her arms around her, fiercely, tightly; gripping her in a body lock Tilly couldn't escape from, as much as she tried and wriggled and fought. Jen was desperate with her words now... "No! I'm _not_ letting you go! Not until you _listen_ to me!"

"But Miss Gilmore, I do believe your time is up" Tilly's reply was quietly sarcastic and controlled, "I do believe that _that_ is your class arriving outside in the corridor."

Sure enough, there came the echoing sounds of feet on the stairs and chattering students lining up outside, like an impatient wall of noise, restless to be allowed in. Jen knew, her heart sinking and breaking, that this conversation, whatever it was and wherever it was leading them, would have to come to an end there and then: unresolved. She cursed her lack of communication with Tilly. She cursed Keeler making her feel so wretched in the first place. And she cursed her damn job for stopping her being with the one person she wanted to be with more than anyone in the world. What a bloody stupid thing to do, to take the job in the first place! Even poverty and homelessness suddenly seemed a better prospect than this... torture!

She held onto Tilly for as long as she could, her heart in her throat, agonisingly not wanting to let go, until she heard her classroom door creak open and one of her male students call out "Miss Gilmore? Miss? Are you in there?" and then, defeated, she dropped her arms back down to her sides and watched silently, sadly, heart breaking inside her, as Tilly walked away from her, out through the door. She heard the shuffling sound of Tilly collecting her bag off her wooden stool and then her footsteps, receding, moving away from her, out of the classroom and past the line of waiting students in the corridor...

She felt like giving up then; walking out of there, hands held high as if surrendering to armed police officers, in an admission of loving her beautiful student more than anyone ever before; more than life itself. She knew she had to dry her eyes before facing the class, but couldn't even muster up the will to do that.

She heard the students trickle in and settle themselves down at the wooden benches around the edges of the room. At least she'd already got the easels out and papered ready, and had already prepared the still-life in the centre of the room...

Mustering up all the courage she could find, she shook her head in an effort to pull herself together and braved the sudden daylight as she emerged, smiling, to face the class in front of her. It was a good job she was a believable actress: only two of the girls at the front noticed that her eyes were slightly glazed and glistened more than usual, as if they had the remnants of tears, as they caught the light suddenly when she turned to speak to them...

_Tilly...!_

_._

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	30. Chapter 30

**_[Author's note: Sorry about the wait again (work always gets in the way doesn't it? grr) Sorry too, that this is mainly description - I wanted to focus this chapter on Jen's POV even more than usual. Let me know what you think... Thanks for reading xx]_**

Chapter 30

She couldn't sleep; couldn't eat; couldn't _breathe_, so it seemed: all she could think about was Tilly. The lost, broken look in her face... The resignation in her eyes, at yet another anticipated rejection, like before, now that they were both back at college again and trapped inside their social roles: trapped, apart and separate.

And yet Jen had never meant any rejection. She'd only been half-aware of her distancing herself from her; too wrapped up in her own self doubt and fear of being found out to even notice how it must have seemed to Tilly... Of _course _she didn't want to reject her! She just hadn't been aware of the effect of her feelings, and she hadn't been able to express herself properly. Tilly had just assumed. She'd read Jen's behaviour through eyes that had been rejected enough times in the past, the last time they had been student and teacher at college; before they had been honest with each other and given in to their hunger and affection for each other. And who could blame her? Jen knew she had a track record of disappointing her and letting her down.

She cursed herself for being so weak. It was only embarrassment at being caught daydreaming and reliving an amazing night together that had led to this – it was ridiculous! And as much as Jen knew, with every fibre in her body, that she openly loved Tilly, completely, when they were alone together in their own little world, she could not ignore the fact that, once again, the instant the wider world intruded on their privacy, she bottled it and hid away. It was pathetic! She knew she wanted nothing more than to walk outside, hand in hand with her, openly, as her girlfriend... but in reality, she knew, she was still too much of a coward.

Good grief! Where had the old Jen gone? The Jen who lived life instinctively; who wore her heart on her sleeve; who was spontaneous and daring and allowed her feelings to lead the way? The Jen who had first been drawn to Tilly at the art exhibition, who had enticed her to Crosby beach on the pretext of explaining her artistic criticism, when really it had been because she'd simply wanted to be with her, hoping that her immediate, powerful attraction for this young stranger might possibly be mutual... And she had been right, hadn't she? It had led to the kiss; that beautiful, soft, soulful kiss which held such promise... What a shock to then find that she was forbidden to her! ...Was _that_ what had happened? - Had the shock and the responsibility and the need for secrecy taken their toll on that old Jen? Had she gone for good? Killed off by commitments and consequences, so that she was left as a shell of her former self? Conformist instead of rebellious; trapped instead of wildly free...?

But what _else_ could she do? She _had_ to protect Tilly from herself; from her willingness to sacrifice her dream of Cambridge and a career in medicine, becoming a doctor, for Jen. And she _had _to protect _herself_ from the prospect of imprisonment; a prospect which was not at all appealing! So she _had_ to conform and maintain the status quo, _didn't_ she?

Pursuing the dream she'd worked hard all her life for had meant making major personal sacrifices. She'd always known it would; she'd always been prepared for that, and happily accepted it... But then, she _hadn't_ been prepared to be so bewitched, so utterly bewitched, and so quickly, and by someone so unexpectedly forbidden. She knew she was terrified of ruining her education, her future, her very _life_, if it ever came out – not her own as much as Tilly's – and she knew that Tilly did understand that too, actually...

But still.

She _shouldn't_ have kept shutting her out like this when things got hard. Why the hell couldn't she just explain to her that she'd been feeling weird because Keeler had unknowingly caught her fantasising about their incredibly hot night together..? _Come on Jen! So what? What's so bloody wrong with fantasising about your amazingly hot lover anyway? Why the hell are you so embarrassed?_ ...she kept punishing herself.

No, she shouldn't have kept shutting her out. And now it felt too late. She'd lost her now for sure.

.

For the hundredth time Jen pressed 'send' on her phone, once again sending the repeated text asking for forgiveness, asking her to hear her out, asking her to meet up; knowing that, like all the others she'd sent, this one would also probably be left unanswered and ignored. Well, it was no more than she deserved...

_But where's your fight Jen? Isn't she bloody well worth a fight? Come on Jen! Come on! Wake up! Sod the bloody job! Sod your bloody childhood dream! Sod the last three years of hard slog! It all means NOTHING if she's gone from your life for good, you KNOW that! Come on! Stand up and damn well FIGHT for her!_

With a sudden urgent force from deep inside, Jen found her feet and stood up determinedly, pushing her chair aside as she rounded the side of her desk, grabbed her jacket and bag and keys and marched across the dusty parquet floor of her classroom, covering the distance from desk to door in four quick strides; her impatient boots echoing off the wood and through the door and down the corridor and down the stairs to the fresh air outside. She half ran across the car park to her jeep, hurrying now with a desperation to see her and make things right, if that was still an option; hurrying also perhaps before her resolve broke and she changed her mind. She had not got the faintest idea what she was going to do or say when she saw her; only that she had to see her and put an end to this... agony... if Tilly would allow it!

But where to go? She had somehow got through the rest of the day's lessons at college, ignoring the occasional quizzical looks from students at the front of her class, who had noticed how her eyes seemed to water or redden at odd times in the lesson, when their usually precise and focused teacher was somehow absent-minded about the tasks she was setting them, as if she was somewhere else entirely... College had been finished for over an hour now. Jen didn't think that Tilly would feel like loitering in Campus Coffee or anywhere else that required her to share conversation with people, even friends... So in all likelihood she must be at home, perhaps locked away in her room, deep in thought...?

As her tutor, Jen already had contact details for her classes of students: her lists were in her confidential diary which she kept to hand in the first aid compartment in the boot of her jeep, next to the spare wheel. She kept it nearby in case she ever needed to contact home about something urgent to do with coursework or work problems...

She reached in and found it, looking down the list to find Tilly's details; the whole time feeling faintly amazed that she hadn't ever actually been to her house before, or even contacted her on her home phone, despite the intimacies she'd shared with her...

A sudden memory, vivid and sensual, entered her mind... Tilly's nakedness beneath her own; their limbs intertwined; their senses heightened; the feel of their satin skin caressing each others as they both peeked in orgasm; Tilly's beautiful face gazing adoringly into hers; her emerald eyes darker, seductive and secretive, brimming with emotion as she came and shuddered into Jen's body, leaning her head into Jen's shoulder; her short breaths stroking Jen's skin until they calmed and became longer, more relaxed, as she melted into her...

Jen shook her head awake. Now was not the time! Clutching the list, holding it with her thumb underlining Tilly's address, Jen climbed in, sorted her seatbelt, switched on the engine and pulled away; a vague idea of whereabouts on the outskirts of Hollyoaks Tilly's street was. With her right foot pressed down, heavy to the floor, accelerating at any given opportunity, the jeep whizzed through the streets of the town, at times taking corners on two wheels, so it seemed; such was Jen's impatience at reaching her...

She didn't have a _clue_ what she would say if one of her parents answered the door... She'd just have to hope she could think of something on the spot, if it came to it.

_Please, God, let Tilly be there, and let her be there by herself_ she inwardly prayed. Her heart was racing and her stomach kept lifting and dipping as she concentrated on getting there as quickly as possible, running through two just-changing red lights as she drove on. _Please be there, please be in, please be the one to answer the door, please Tilly, please God, please..._

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	31. Chapter 31

Chapter 31

_Please be there... please be in; ...please answer, Tilly..._

_._

Her heart was racing, faster than she'd ever remembered before, and the hollow ache in the pit of her stomach was unbearable... She made her way, hesitantly, slowly now, up the path to the house, having parked the jeep just at the corner of the road; slightly skewed, half-on, half-off the pavement in her haste to get there.

The late afternoon was still mild enough to echo the feeling of the long lazy days of late summer; the sun's warmth embracing Jen's shoulders in a cocoon of silent support, which did make her feel braver although she wasn't conscious of that: all Jen could think about was what she was going to say to her when she saw her – if she did – and, if not, what on _earth_ she was going to say to whoever else opened the door!

The house was a large semi-detached with a wide front, large bay windows and an established garden beside a tidy block-paved drive. It looked immaculate. That alone made Jen all the more tense and intimidated: it looked too ordered, too primly maintained to belong to people who were broad-minded and non-conformist enough to understand and accept Jen's own far more relaxed, bohemian individuality. It made her wonder how Tilly could have ended up so non-conformist and free thinking too. _But Jen, it's just a garden and a house. It doesn't have to mean anything. Stop assuming. Stop expecting barriers all the time. Calm down..._she told herself, trying to control her strong emotions which were fighting against the need to be restrained and polite and professional. She knew this would take all of her efforts, and all her acting skills, if she was to maintain the formal, polite persona of one of Tilly's teachers – who had had to call by_... to... drop off... an important... coversheet... she needed to fill in... for coursework... yes, that was it!_

But then, as Jen finished planning her excuse, she found she'd reached the front door and was already ringing the bell, automatically... and, looking down, she saw that she wasn't actually holding anything that would pass for a coversheet of any kind; just her car keys. _Damn!_

Her bangles chimed together a discordant tune as she reached for the doorbell; again automatically adopting that behaviour because her mind wasn't at all focused or ordered enough to think for itself and break away and return to the jeep to actually _get_ some coversheets, or do anything else for that matter!

And in any case, she was out of time: just then the door clicked, and swung open.

Her heart skipped a beat and she caught her breath as she came face to face with dazzling emerald eyes; all the more dazzling because the low afternoon sun caught their edges and made them gleam fiery bolts back at her. She saw their sharp expression change: from distant politeness, to instant recognition, to immediate anger, as Tilly started to close the door...

"No, wait!" Jen instinctively put her foot in the way and leaned against the door, forcing Tilly to stop pushing and stand back and wait.

"What do you want Jen?" she answered her; her eyes now dark and moody; her chin more prominent and her rosebud lips pursed into a frown.

"I _have_ to see you." Jen started, trying to fight her natural hesitation when faced with such stunning beauty and her own unbearably strong emotions for her; she could almost feel a crack in her resolve, but was determined, now, to get through this. Tilly simply stood there, sulkily, staring at her. She didn't need to say anything: she raised an eyebrow in a sarcastic question, that made Jen's stomach flip again and made her want to kiss the question away. _'Well?'_ it seemed to say, _'I'm waiting. So make it good.' _Jen gulped and took a deep breath.

"I _had_ to see you Tilly, I _had_ to, because I had to _explain_, I had to _tell_ you, I _wasn't_ pushing you away, I _wasn't _rejecting you, I _don't want_ this to end, like you think I do, I _don't _Tilly, _really_ I don't, I _don't want_ a life that doesn't have _you _in it, I don't _care_ about the job or the bills or the gossip or the rumours or even going to jail – though I'd rather not! – I don't care about _any_ of it, not really, if it means I can't have _you._.. I've _got_ to make you _see_! _Please_! I'm telling the _truth_ Tilly! It's all _shit_ if you're not a part of it with me! I'm _so, so sorry_ I'm so crap at telling you how I feel whenever I get a bit wobbly about things – I _do _know how rubbish I am, you know. _Please_ believe me! _Please_ don't give up on me, on _us_, Tilly – _please_..." she trailed off, exhausted; ashamed it had all come out so jumbled.

Tilly just watched her, secretly quite entranced by Jen's own powerful gaze; from her sultry hazel eyes which of course Jen couldn't see, which were shining so fiercely because the tears she'd been fighting back were catching the sun; the light dancing around their centres seductively. If she'd known, she'd have relaxed and completely overpowered Tilly with a flash of her disarming smile. Instead, Jen just stood, watching her, fiddling with her bangles, which made a light tinkling sound, showing her nervousness which was, itself, appealing; hoping beyond hope that _some_ of what she'd said had got through to the beauty standing, still pouting, in front of her.

Then Tilly cocked her head on one side and asked: "So... what _was_ it all about, Jen? What gave you the wobbles _this_ time?" She was still trying to be nonchalant and coolly disinterested and moody, but the fact that she had listened, and heard, and was now engaged enough to be asking the question made Jen breathe a bit more easily. Then she blushed. Well, there was no getting out of it: she'd have to tell her! She cleared her throat and tried to ignore the sudden inquisitive look in Tilly's face...

"Well, I, er, it was Keeler – "

"_Keeler?"_ Tilly asked, surprised.

"Yeah–ess. Keeler." Jen's blush deepened and she took a deep breath, noticing that Tilly shifted her position into a more relaxed pose, leaning against the doorway, now acutely interested: she had her full attention.

"He... walked into my room to give me some student data sheets... when I was in the middle of reliving the memory of our very hot night together in the hotel room..."

She saw Tilly bite her bottom lip in a surprised giggle and in response Jen immediately looked down at the floor as she continued; knowing that if she didn't, she wouldn't get through everything she needed to say.

"... and I was very aroused and I was very close to...erm...relief and I was completely picturing you and what you were doing to me and what it felt like, how hot it was, and... suddenly I had to go into Miss Gilmore mode and I was convinced he'd seen, and he knew, and it wasn't private anymore and... it felt spoiled somehow... and nasty... dirty even... and then when I saw you later I didn't know what to do, what to feel, or why I was even feeling like that... and I was torn, Tilly, because I _always_ want you, so much it's bloody unfair, but this time it felt... horrible somehow, like he'd spoiled it, and I didn't know how to get it back again; I was scared..." She paused for breath, still avoiding Tilly's gaze; instead, looking down at the pattern of the original hallway tiles in front of her; ashamed.

Tilly didn't say anything. She knew Jen hadn't finished; she could sense it, so she waited. Sure enough, Jen started again, as though she'd just decided something, and looked up at her this time, looking directly into her gaze: "...But then I saw you this morning, before you saw me watching you... You were waiting for me. You were looking up at all the art work around the room. And you were stunning, Tilly; absolutely stunning. You mesmerised me. Completely bewitched me again, as always. And the doubts and feelings that he'd spoiled it, made it nasty, dirty, all that; well, they all disappeared straight away, and what I felt for you then was what I have always felt for you, and I wanted you more than anything in the world..." Jen stopped again, her depth of affection now quite clear to see in her eyes as Tilly looked there. It made her feel special; loved again. A naughty, cheeky smile appeared, suddenly, at the corner of Jen's mouth as she looked at her and continued:

"...If you hadn't been so angry with me, and so hurt with me... and if I hadn't had that bloody class waiting to come in... well, I don't think you'd have made it to any of your lessons today... because I'd have tied you up and completely taken you, tasted you, everything, in every possible way!"

It was Tilly's turn to blush, uncontrollably, and bite her bottom lip again, and look down suddenly. She looked back immediately though, as Jen's tone changed again; becoming suddenly wistful, worried...

"But then you were so angry with me, and so very, very hurt, and I couldn't do anything about it! Nothing I said made any difference! And then you walked away, and a part of me died: right there and then. I died, Tilly. How I've got through the day, I just don't know! ...And now I'm just standing here, in front of you, hoping that I haven't blown it with you; hoping that you still want to love me..." Jen broke off then, holding back a wave of emotion too strong to allow her to speak anymore. She sagged against the doorway, completely drained.

"Oh, Jen..." Tilly replied, moved to tears. She had so much she wanted to say in return, but knew the words weren't necessary. Instead, she stepped forward, into Jen's body, and wrapped her arms up around Jen's neck, resting them on her strong, defined shoulders, so that her hands intertwined and nestled in Jen's silky dark hair, and then she pressed her whole body into her, so that Jen could feel every curve, every toned surface of Tilly being moulded into her. And then she kissed her.

The kiss was soft and silken; molten, almost, in its warmth, and seemed to glue the two lovers together again at long last. The belief that both women had had, that their relationship was over, made it all the more powerful and addictive, so that it wasn't enough for either of them. Every single inch of their bodies ached to feel the corresponding part of the other's touch against it; press against it; stroke it, and more. Time really did stand still for them. The universe really did wait. And didn't start again until they gently pulled away, still connected through the deep, searching gaze of their souls meeting in their eyes.

Jen's breathing was ragged, as was Tilly's, and she looked down at her younger lover from beneath secretive eyelids and lashes which stroked the air seductively. "Are you home alone?" she asked simply, both of them knowing what she really meant. Tilly couldn't find her voice; she was so hypnotised by the exquisite taste and feel of Jen's tongue inside her mouth and her lips caressing hers and the seductive contours of her body pressed up against her own: she just nodded.

"Are you home alone... all evening too?"

Tilly nodded again, her eyes alight with desire, mirroring Jen's with their hunger and eagerness.

"Is there... any chance I could... come up and see your... room?"

Again, a nod, slower, more deliberate, and a sharper shine to her eyes.

"Is there... any chance I could even... stay the night?" Jen paused, entranced by Tilly's mouth just as Tilly was entranced by Jen's. Tilly watched her lips mouth her words as she continued, adding: " I could be gone first thing; I've got a change of clothes in my cupboard at college... Is that a... possibility?" Jen said that last word deliberately slowly and seductively, moving in even closer to Tilly so that she could feel Jen's fresh breath stroking against her lips, making her shudder ever so slightly. Both women felt their mouth begin to salivate slightly at the hunger they felt for each other, and an aching warmth between their legs that yearned for tongues and gentle, urgent fingertips...

This time Tilly's nod was not necessary; somehow Jen already knew the answer.

Tilly pulled her gently, lovingly, into another caressing embrace, pulling her out of the warmth of the low sun outside into the relative coolness of the hallway and back again, hard against the door as she closed it with her foot. Jen loved the sudden roughness of being pushed up against it, as Tilly moved her hands all over and down and around Jen's body while Jen kissed her, more forcefully this time; drinking-in her juicy lips and the wonderful taste of her mouth. Jen loved Tilly's commanding touch, which was so skilful in making her shudder, and lift off the Earth into the Heavens, and come, again, and again, that she never ceased to be amazed that she was still quite young for a lover...

Clothing wasn't a problem for either of them. For that immediate moment they weren't interested in taking things slow and setting the scene and the mood. There was no need for foreplay. Both of them were impatient and insatiable for each other. Both of them wanted, no, needed, to have each other; take each other, as quickly as possible, like the next fix. And so, regardless of clothes, their hands moved up inside their tops and bras (to Tilly's delight, Jen wasn't wearing one) to stroke and squeeze each other's breasts, followed by their heads and lips which moved up too, as tops got pushed up to necklines and over heads, so that their lips and tongues sucked and teased each other's nipples, licking and sucking their stiffness, as hands roamed down into knickers, Jen ignoring the brief restriction of Tilly's waistband; pushing her jeans quickly to the floor, as she, herself, was almost naked already; not having worn jeans or trousers under her thigh-length tunic top which Tilly had just flung over the banister... Then knickers followed in the same way, and then fingers swiftly, immediately, moved between each other's legs; stroking, circling, pressing, stroking again, teasing, pushing, round and round, in and out, deeper and deeper, in time with each other; causing moan after moan to come, breathless, in each other's mouth, at the same time that the throbbing wetness found release from probing, gentle fingers inside each other, causing thicker, more silken, warm liquid to come from inside, again and again, as each lover shuddered suddenly, rhythmically, again and again, in time, together...

Sighing, panting, out of breath completely, on legs that felt like jelly, both of them sank into each other, supporting each other, listening to each other's racing heart calm itself and slow down, before gently stroking away the remains of their lovemaking and turning to face each other, to speak, nothing more. It was Jen first.

"Wow," she sighed heavily, "well that was –"

"I know." Tilly interrupted. Both women beamed at each other, utterly exhilarated with each other's skilful, wonderful lovemaking.

"We've made a bit of a mess," Jen laughed, eyeing the state of the hallway with its half-flung coverings of quickly discarded clothes. "Better clear up, don't you think?" she added, starting to pick up underwear and her tunic top and Tilly's jeans...

"I suppose so," Tilly answered, helping, still smiling widely, feeling on top of the world suddenly. "But I really haven't finished with you yet, Miss Gilmore!" she added naughtily, stroking along Jen's groin and side, just above her hip, where she knew she was maddeningly ticklish.

"Ah! Oi! Behave!" came the breathless reply, mid-shriek.

Tilly cornered her and put on her best pout, looking up at her with sultry, beseeching eyes. "Aw, do I _really_ need to behave Miss Gilmore? I was hoping you'd join me in the shower. And it's _so_ much _more_ fun if you _don't_!" then she winked at her seductively and turned, arms full of scrunched-up clothing, and walked slowly, deliberately, upstairs; wiggling her curvaceous hips alluringly as she did so... Jen could not believe it! _How_ was it possible that, straight after _that_, she _still_ wanted more of her?

"Well... you _did _say that I could see your room!" Jen called out to her, grinning, and then she hurried up the stairs too, entranced with the perfect vision of Tilly's naked back and bottom just an outstretched arm's reach away...

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	32. Chapter 32

_[This chapter is for those of you wanting more serious 'action' – my apologies if it's too strong, or not strong enough, for you. I'd welcome your thoughts since I'm new to all this! - PM me if you want. My apologies too, if you think I've taken too long on description and not done enough action, or dialogue, like most fics seem to... I am just your humble writer. Please let me know what you think. I love reading your reviews and really appreciate what you say. I've made it longer, to compensate for me being too busy at the moment, with work getting in the way of this... Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. Thanks guys! Esmejs xxx]_

Chapter 32

"_Mmm_... you taste nice," Jen murmured into the silky curve of the younger woman's bottom, not _quite_ having made the last couple of stairs before she'd surrendered to her need for her.

"Don't... think... you... need... a shower... after all," she continued, between pressing mouthfuls of velvet kisses across her pale curved skin, as she held her close, precariously balanced on the stairs amidst crumpled clothes; holding her in place with stroking hands; the left hand spanning her lower stomach and hip, and cupping around her pubic bone; its fingers irresistibly brushing the soft auburn hair lying there.

Tilly moaned and shuddered slightly, worrying briefly that her jelly legs would cause her to fall back down the stairs: this was dangerous!

"...although... I _suppose_, it's different if _I'm_ the one with the task of showering you..!" Jen added then, smiling to herself in delight at Tilly's repeated moans, and the very attractive mental image she suddenly had: of Tilly's beautiful nakedness pressed up against the tiles while she stroked her clean, and massaged her with a soapy sponge under the fire of the powerful shower jets... That thought alone speeded up her playful kisses, and made Tilly tingle and jump even more at every touch, and then arch her body towards her for easier access to her very core...

Jen could sense the heat rising in her lover again and it made her want her even more urgently, if that was possible. The temptation to taste her, and move her tongue under her soft, soft buttocks and up, and up, to stroke inside and lick gentle, loving caresses, was _way _too intense – she knew they'd end up falling and hurting themselves in a heap at the bottom of the stairs!

_Even so... _

"_Oh... Jen–_" Tilly couldn't help the breathless outburst, half-pleading with her, but she couldn't find the strength to finish: the sensation was too powerful. She wanted her to just take her again, right there, from behind, and put an end to this delectable, irresistible teasing. Jen knew exactly what she was doing, Tilly knew. She knew _exactly _what she was doing to her, and it was driving her _insane_!

Jen smiled again. She could do this all day. She _adored_ making her amazing lover feel every amazing sensation in the world and watch its effects on her, knowing that it was she, Jen, who was making her feel so special. It was _seriously_ hot. _She_ was hot. Very, _very _hot... Jen could already feel how turned on and damp she was feeling, herself. She wouldn't be at all surprised if _she_ came too, at the mere thought of exploring Tilly with her tongue... But the prospect of broken bones wasn't an attractive one, and if they did fall, and both of them were incapacitated, how on earth could that be explained away? So reluctantly, and with a little gleefulness at Tilly's impatience of wanting her, Jen smoothed herself and her mouth and hands away from her younger lover and cheekily smacked her bum. Tilly shrieked. Jen's smile broke into a grin and she giggled.

"Come on then! If I _must_! Let's get you into that shower!" she ordered her, sighing, making it sound like a chore, and then laughed at Tilly's frustrated grumbling as she picked up the clothes she'd dropped when Jen had attacked her, and climbed up the last remaining stairs to the top.

Tilly walked into her bedroom and dumped their clothes, both sets intermingled, unceremoniously on her bed and turned, suddenly moody, annoyed at Jen's teasing that was having such a strong hold over her desires. Jen went into the bathroom, humming to herself delightedly. She _knew_ that she'd been wicked, and was _fully_ looking forward to her punishment, that she was _sure_ was going to come soon...

Sure enough, she was reaching across the shower cubicle, stretching to turn up the heat on the shower dial, because the water coming down was _freezing_, when she was suddenly grabbed from behind. She gasped, even though she'd been expecting it.

She gasped again and shrieked as Tilly held her firmly under the icy jets which took her breath away. They were taking an age to warm up! She shrieked again at the freezing cold on her head and shoulders and upper back, trying to protect her breasts from the icy cold by bending forward slightly.

"Ah, Till–y" she breathed, and then gasped again at the combination of the bitter cold and the burning warmth of Tilly's hands and the sudden silken strong feel of Tilly behind her, pressing into her, feeling her body, everywhere, moving one burning hand around her waist to stroke her abdomen up to her rigid breasts and the other burning hand across and around the firm arc of her bottom and curve down and under, between her legs. Jen shuddered. It was Tilly's turn to feel delighted. Her right hand continued to tease and pull her nipple while her left hand gently sought out her most sensitive point, through the silky folds and up to her clitoris, gliding over and between her warm lips in a loving exploration. Jen shuddered again, more violently, and groaned into the hard tiles where she rested the side of her face, arching her back and widening her legs a little more for her, now completely uncaring about the temperature of the water that was pouring down and hitting her face: the jets were starting to warm up and their stinging power against her forehead, nose, cheeks, and mouth, just accentuated the sensuality of the moment so that her entire body seemed to be being touched and tingled in desire, feeling alive and on fire.

And then Tilly stopped.

Jen screamed!

Tilly couldn't help but laugh, completely enjoying the horrified, desperate look in Jen's face as she turned round to seek her out. "You – !" Jen couldn't even find the words to finish the sentence. She was burning; blazing with delicious, _excruciating_ sensations all over her body; all of them screaming out for one thing: Tilly! The student stood back and admired her handiwork. Jen really was an irresistible sight. She giggled at Jen's conflicting emotions which flashed across her face like an intimate private film reel.

Jen's eyes, darker now with the passions burning inside her, glared at her, and immediately became secretive and seductive and flirtatious and alluring; an edge of urgency never leaving them. Tilly was transfixed by them and by the stunning vision of her athletic, toned and beautifully proportioned lover, completely naked, completely wet, glistening, with jets of water bouncing off her silky body in voluptuous splashes and sprays, running intimate rivulets down her, from her perfect face and sultry mouth, to drip onto her small, pert breasts, and run down across her flat stomach into channels along her groin and either down her taught thighs or round the tops of her thighs to pool in her black hair and drip down between her legs. Wow, she was stunning!

"_YOU!_ Come _HERE_!" Jen demanded, looking amazing. Tilly contemplated her, trying not to show how maddeningly hard she was finding it to just stand back and keep away; trying to view her like a sculpture. Jen sighed loudly in desperation and gave up the controlling act, turning her eyes into richly warm beseeching ones. She sighed again. Loudly. "_PLEEEEASE?_" she begged, unashamed. God, she wanted her! So did Tilly. The student beamed, absolutely delighted at the control she could see she so clearly had over her teacher. Denying her own instincts to give in to her hunger for Jen, had _so_ been worth it! But she couldn't resist it for much longer – especially when Jen looked like _that_!

Tilly's feet moved across to the older woman before she was even aware of them doing so, and her body climbed into the shower almost of its own accord; Tilly was just fixated on Jen's face – her deep, darkly brooding hazel eyes that looked back at her adoringly; her sexy, sultry mouth that beckoned her own.

The older woman encased her in warm, silken arms that moved over and around her body and then just held her, passionately, to her, underneath the steaming, piercing, warm jets of water; sharing the watery cocoon with her. Jen's hungry, sultry mouth sought out Tilly's pert, rosebud one and kissed it forcefully, urgently. She needed her. She wanted her, more than anything in the world. Then she broke off and when Tilly opened her eyes to gaze at her, she whispered to her "I love you" and then, after lightly kissing her eyes, nose and lips, she added in a whisper: "Make love with me. Please."

Tilly smiled up at her, overwhelmed by her love for her, which was mirrored in the older woman's face. She reached up then, her mouth finding Jen's immediately waiting for her. Their lips brushed together gently and then pressed again more heavily into each other, before opening together as both women searched inside each other with exploring, caressing tongues. Their kisses deepened and they both melted into them. Jen wrapped her arms around Tilly's shoulders, drawing her into her even more, and Tilly wrapped her arms around Jen's waist, completing their togetherness as a single unit; a single being. It felt amazing. Then as they continued to kiss deeply, Tilly moved her hands around to caress and pinch, gently first, then harder, each of Jen's nipples. Jen moaned into Tilly's mouth, making her shiver slightly in response, and both of them felt themselves come a little, having been already so turned on, for so long already. Jen kept her arms where they were, around Tilly's shoulders, for the moment, feeling suddenly protective of her, and then she felt her hardened nipples graze against her own, as Tilly moved her hands down to stroke the curves of her buttocks, and Jen moaned again into Tilly's mouth, breaking off to gaze into her lusty emerald eyes.

"Do you have _any_ idea what you're doing to me?" Jen murmured breathlessly, holding Tilly's gaze and rubbing noses with her slowly.

Tilly smiled a gentle, slow smile at her and squeezed her buttocks into her own groin, feeling the weight of her hips against her own, before running her hands up Jen's spine and making her shiver again. "Yes," she breathed back at her older lover, "it's what _you_ do to _me_. _Every_ time. And it's _never_ enough..." She closed her eyes and reached up again with her nose and lips to find Jen's mouth.

Jen smiled at her lovingly and as she kissed her again she answered a whispered "No, _never_ enough" and smiled again into the kiss.

Tilly's hands moved from her upper back down and round her groin, making Jen jump a little and catch her breath, until they nestled between her legs. She moved one hand to stroke around the back of Jen's bottom, caressing the side of her buttock the whole time while her other hand went back to its exploration of her and the silken folds it found there between her legs. Jen moaned again, suddenly unable to move her arms from Tilly's shoulders to reciprocate the lovemaking; she felt frozen in an ecstasy she'd never experienced so strongly before – even more powerful than that amazing night at the hotel... Her thoughts wandered there, to remember them making love together, and how wonderful it had felt... and just then Tilly moved her fingers more deeply, more sensually, between her soft lips, inside her, moving her thumb across her clitoris again in circular strokes at the same time...

Jen's head pulled back and her back arched in complete and utter ecstasy, her sudden breath escaping her loudly, uncontrolled, in one long groan as she felt herself come, and come again, and again. "Oh go – o – d, Till – y!" she breathed, shuddering violently, and then her knees buckled and she sunk down the wall of the shower into a soft heap of beauty onto the tiled floor.

It was like watching someone in slow motion, crumple and slide down a slippery surface. _Only Jen_ could've made it look so elegant, Tilly thought, delighted at her effect on her lover, and transfixed at her faultless beauty, and feeling decidedly wobbly herself, having just come at almost the same moment – just from making love to her and feeling her responses; feeling her body close around her fingers and the hot molten liquid slide out across them and down over her hand. It had been an amazing sensation, absolutely _amazing_, and she hadn't been able to control her own body from coming, in answer to it.

She sunk down too, wobbling, to sit next to Jen under the jets of steamy water, now hot, that showered them, keeping them from going cold. She put her arm around her beautiful brunette lover, who turned into her, resting her head on her shoulder. Jen was shaking, Tilly suddenly realised, and not from feeling cold. "Hey, are you ok? Jen?" she asked, concerned, stroking her dark wet hair and her soft cheek and kissing her closed eye, the other one hidden by her shoulder. And then to her horror she realised Jen was crying, soundlessly. "Hey Jen. Jen. Please say something. What's wrong? Did I – hurt you? Are you hurt?"

Jen sniffed and smiled a watery smile in reply. "Nothing's wrong, oh god Tilly, that was just... so... _amazing_... it's moved me to _tears_. How pathetic is _that_?" Tilly relaxed and hugged her tightly, pleased to hear Jen begin to laugh: "look at me" she laughed, "look what you've done to me! How is that _possible_?"

Tilly leaned back against the tiled wall. "_THAT_ is _entirely_ possible when your lover is as good as _me_, ha!" she pretended to boast; in truth, completely delighted that she'd brought Jen to her knees, literally.

"Don't you get cocky!" Jen warned her, grinning now, albeit weakly, "I've not had _my_ wicked way with you yet!" She sat up then, wiping away a remaining tear of welled-up emotion, and moved her arm across her to give her an emotional hug, which Tilly leaned into, stroking Jen's arm. Then, before Tilly knew what was happening, Jen had moved her hand down between her legs and was playing dancing, swirling patterns there. Tilly had been _sure_ that her body was fully spent, but to her surprise it responded immediately to Jen's expert touch and she suddenly realised that she was still on fire for her.

"Oh, Jen," she began.

"Hush, don't talk darling, just relax, close your eyes..." Jen whispered lovingly, kissing her face and then moving down so that her face was positioned there, alongside her hand, between her legs. She gently lifted her leg over her shoulder, making the access wider and easier, never once stopping the gentle, rhythmic dancing of her fingers against her clitoris, and then leaning in, so, so gently, she reached deep inside her already relaxed core with her searching, loving tongue. The younger woman came immediately, and loudly, clutching onto Jen's head and shoulders for all she was worth, and Jen withdrew her tongue, loving the taste of her; allowing her seepage to flow, and to heighten the tension at her sudden exit, although her fingers never stopped their fiery waltz...

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It was a _long_ time before they both pulled each other up and dripped languidly out of the shower. They stayed there, on the shower floor, as hard and uncomfortable as it was, curled into each other, holding each other in a tight embrace, caressing each other's arms and shoulders and necks and faces; yet again enthralled at the power and skill they both had over each other, that made them feel so amazingly special. When they did emerge, stiff and wrinkled, they wordlessly towelled each other dry, taking their time; noticing every little thing about each other's body; stroking it gently, protectively, showing how valuable they were to each other. Finally, Jen spoke:

"You've completely worn me out, you know. I can barely stand or keep my eyes open!"

"Me too." Tilly replied, yawning. "You know what? Even though it's... what?... early evening... I'm getting straight into my pyjamas!"

" That sounds like a nice idea! Shame I don't have any here. I'll just have to stay naked all evening, I guess!" Jen smiled and winked.

"You _are_ joking! If I have to sit next to your beautiful bare bod I'm going to get _no_ rest, _whatsoever_, cos I'll just want you the whole time, and then tonight I'll be exhausted, and tomorrow I'll be exhausted, and then... _No_ _way_ can I cope with any more heavy sessions with you, _repeatedly_, all evening and all night Jen. _No_! You can wear something of mine!" Tilly was exhausted. She knew she needed a rest.

"Aw, party-pooper!" Jen teased, secretly pleased because she was exhausted too: Tilly had taken her to new heights of passion just then; she really had no idea just how good she was. Jen felt like she could sleep for a week!

Giggling, as Tilly spanked her bare backside with a towel, Jen moved into Tilly's room with her, to find pyjamas for both of them and Jen tidied up the messy pile of clothes from before while Tilly made the bed and closed the blinds and turned on the little rose petal lights that she had, draped across the wall over her bed, making the room look cosy and intimate and relaxing: a private sanctuary from the world.

Then Jen's stomach rumbled and they looked at each other and laughed. "Hmm. I think I'm really quite hungry now, after all that exercise." Jen said, laughing, "Have you got anything in?"

Tilly nodded, still chuckling at her, while they both pulled on the rest of their pyjamas; Jen sticking out her tongue at her in response to her laughter.

"And you can put _that_ thing away too! I'm exhausted enough thank you very much!" Tilly warned her, making Jen's face break into a broad smile.

They kissed, affectionately; clearly in love with each other, before venturing downstairs and into the kitchen where it was quickly decided to order-in Chinese, so that they could play with chopsticks, while watching something on television, snuggled into each other on the deep leather sofa, before curling up together in bed for what would be, without doubt, a beautifully deep sleep, intertwined together... before Jen would have to get up _obscenely_ early and leave before Tilly's parents returned and anyone was up and about in the world who might spot Jen leaving the house...

Ah well, _that_ was tomorrow; tonight, the rest of it, was _all _theirs.

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x


	33. Chapter 33

_(Author's note: I'd like to credit the 'vampire/magic hands' words to Grifflynn - whose fic shows__ such an effective exchange between the two characters: realistic and affectionate, that it must have filtered into my subconscious without my knowing so - until I just realised it now! So thanks, Grifflynn, for so clearly inspiring me. And thanks too, to the other fic writers who help keep the jelly flame alive - clearly_ _doing it better than the HO writers! - Anyone else sick of the waiting? E xx)_

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Chapter 33

Jen lay watching the flickering patterns of early sunlight play across the wall and ceiling as the curtains fluttered gently in the light breeze. She smiled to herself; a slow, sleepy smile, and turned to look at the tousle-haired auburn beauty beside her.

Tilly was still fast asleep. Her fiery curls had fallen across the corner of her pillow where she'd buried her nose in the warm hollow between that and the duvet. She lay curled up – into a ball, almost – like a snuggled-up hibernating little animal, Jen thought fleetingly. The very idea ignited an affectionate, protective flame inside her that began to melt her heart again as she looked at her lying there curled up; curled into Jen's own body, which had somehow wrapped itself around her in response during the night, of its own accord... Jen thought how well they fit together, feeling the soft, warm weight of their bodies pressed together in last night's delicious, deep sleep, which she was only just dragging herself out from. Wow, she could stay there forever, in that instinctive, loving embrace with her, Jen thought; suddenly resentful of her need to leave so soon, to face the brisk day, leaving all _this_ behind.

For a fleeting moment she indulged the thought of blowing caution to the wind and resigning, just so she could be with Tilly properly, right away... but she knew why she couldn't; she'd been over it a thousand times... While Jen was, naturally, quite reckless with her own life at times, she was not prepared to gamble with Tilly's!

She watched the flickering sunlight dance across the ceiling and down the wall and fall onto the bed – very wide for a single – before it played across Tilly's neck and shoulder and then up to her face briefly, as the curtain lifted to the side and fell back in a sudden light breezy gust.

And yet Tilly was _still_ fast asleep. Worn out.

Jen smiled again in private wonder. She looked so adorable like that: curled up in deep sleep. It made her wish for time to stand still, just so she could stay in the moment, like this, with Tilly, forever.

Tilly's stunning emerald eyes were closed and peaceful; for the first time Jen saw how beautifully long her eyelashes were – she couldn't believe she'd never noticed them before! It made her look at Tilly more closely, studying her, as she so often did; as if appreciating a very rare and exquisite work of art. Jen's hazel eyes drank-in every little thing about her, as if seeing her properly for the first time. She gazed across her perfect, soft skin, and saw how her freckles made irresistible patterns that accentuated the most striking parts of her face; in particular, those luscious, succulent lips... Jen's gaze lingered there: she could still feel their juicy taste. They were parted slightly, in sleep, which made them even more enticing, and Jen was so close she could feel the gentle warmth of Tilly's sweet breath as it stroked her nose and mouth.

She couldn't resist.

She leaned-in even closer and pressed a soft, lingering kiss against the younger woman's parted lips. Tilly stirred slightly, curling her hands into themselves, in towards her wrists, again reminding Jen of a little hibernating animal; again making Jen's heart melt a little, and ache with longing.

_Oh, if only..._

She kissed her again softly; her relaxed open mouth searching-out Tilly's sleeping one; gently moulding her lips to match her young lover's lips perfectly. She merged them meltingly, tasting her deeply, without the need for tongues.

Tilly stirred against her, waking slightly with a smile. Her slight response moved against Jen's lips, caressing them imperceptibly. It made her stomach flip and flutter like the curtains, and the flame of desire flicker again inside her like the early, playful sunlight. She groaned at the unfairness of the daybreak and tried to pull away, knowing she had to go; she had to leave her. This was, surely, the most beautiful, delicious _torture_ in all the world!

And then, against her better judgement – which told her to get up and go now – Jen just folded herself more deeply into her student and wrapped her arms around her, nuzzling her neck and feeling the sudden swell of desire for her start to burn... Before she could stop herself, her gentle hands were stroking under the duvet and across Tilly's silky skin; down her sides, over her shapely buttocks and back around, to trace down her satin groin to the softness that lay at the top of her thighs between her legs. Jen stroked her hand there in gentle circles; all the time kissing her mouth and watching the emotions flicker across her half-asleep face like the sunlight.

Tilly's eyes were still closed but even then, Jen could see her love, her passion, her longing rise in them and grow. Tilly sighed and moaned a little into Jen's mouth, which made Jen's desire quicken and pulsate, and then Tilly parted her legs slightly, just as she parted her lips more for Jen's tongue, to allow Jen's stroking hand to reach along her moist, private space between her legs.

Jen felt herself come a little as her fingers found more wetness there and her tongue slipped into Tilly's soft wet mouth to slide along hers at the same time that her fingers found her open core and pressed and stroked and then slid, easily, deeply, inside. Jen massaged her gently, in a loving, regular rhythm, in, out... in, out... quickening the pace as Tilly's breathing became a pant and she whispered urgently "Fuck me Jen, like that, oh yes..." They both came quickly; Jen's orgasm made all the more powerful by Tilly reaching down and doing the same to her. They clung onto each other as they kept stroking through the climax; both of them finding that they had to bite down on something because the emotions were too strong – a pillow, the duvet, each other – anything, to stop the sound of their climax escaping... Finally Jen screamed her passion into the pillow at the same moment that Tilly, unable to settle on something in time, screamed hers into the nook of Jen's neck and shoulder, suddenly clamping down on her to muffle the force and volume of the sound...

It seemed to work: there was a slight sound of restlessness from Tilly's parents' room next door, but nothing more; no one seemed to be getting up and moving around, at least! Still. Even in her heightened, post-orgasm, ecstatic state, it made Jen suddenly all too aware of her need to go. While the coast was clear! It had been enough of a shock for her to hear Tilly's parents enter the house in the early hours, about one o'clock she'd guessed, when Tilly had been so sure that they wouldn't return from their trip until early breakfast time, eightish or so... Yes, Jen had fairly jumped when the front door clicked open and she'd heard careful footsteps up the stairs and then the bathroom light and general pottering around on the landing and muffled voices from the room next door - her first thought was would they peep around Tilly's door? And then, when they didn't, she thought how good it was that the walls were thicker there than at Dianne's, before wondering how early they would rise... but in spite of the potential danger of the situation, the exhaustive loving exercise of the evening had _completely_ wiped her out, and she had _still_ found herself sinking into one of the most wonderful deep sleeps of her life! And she had _still_ not hesitated from following her emotions for Tilly just then! Now, however, it was morning... Yes, she needed to go, and soon: before they woke up. But... well... just a _few_ more minutes wouldn't hurt.

She propped herself up on her side and looked down and saw Tilly watching her, wearing a look of unabashed adoration on her still sleepy face. It was the first time she'd seen her eyes open and their emerald green was deeper, more vibrant somehow, as if it had been ignited. And she could tell, by Tilly's inability to look away, that her own eyes were shining; glittering from their shared passion too. She smiled down at her.

"Morning, my little sleepy head."

Tilly grinned back, now fully relaxed. "Morning Miss Magic-fingers!"

Jen's smile became a broad grin. She bent down and kissed Tilly again, on the lips, and then nose, and then forehead.

"I've got to go. Wish I didn't have to –" At that, her mood changed, becoming heavier, pensive, almost moody.

Suddenly Tilly sat up, a look of horror on her face. "Oh Jen, I'm so, so sorry!"

Jen followed her gaze to her own neck and shoulder. She reached up to touch the skin there and winced as a bolt of pain shot through her. When she pulled her hand back there was blood on her fingertips.

"I'm so, so sorry Jen. I didn't mean to."

Jen found herself laughing, to Tilly's surprise. For some reason it pulled her back out from her sudden downward mood – she was surprised to find that she was secretly delighted – perhaps because she felt Tilly had branded her in some way as being _her_ property; _belonging_ to her? Somehow it made whatever they had between them more real, more solid, and more... permanent.

Tilly was looking at her in confusion and embarrassment. Jen flashed her a disarming grin again.

"Hey, don't worry, my little vampire! It's a _long_ time since I had anything like a hickey to try to hide! I'll wear it with pride. My own little badge of honour. From you."

"Er– it's a bit more than a hickey Jen. It's bleeding. There are teeth marks and everything! I'm _so_ sor–"

"Don't you dare apologise for it!" Jen interrupted in a low murmur, "It's the side effect of some amazing lovemaking again. I wouldn't have it any other way! I like you being rough with me, it's fine, really."

"But –

"No more! Now... I've got to go, or else I'll never... leave..." she broke off, sad, as they held each other's gaze.

"Then don't" Tilly whispered, pulling her back for a sultry, sexy kiss by way of apology for the bite mark. Jen's heart picked up speed again and she found it a struggle to pull herself away and push herself out from Tilly's sweet warmth into the cool room. She had to force herself to do it, and it took everything she had left in her.

She dressed quickly, in silence, feeling Tilly's adoring gaze watching her, watching everything, undressing her again with her eyes. Again, she had to battle the instinct to stop and turn back and undress and slip back under the duvet with her. She tried to force her mind to concentrate on the items of her clothing, to squeeze the image of Tilly's climax out of her thoughts. To help her, once she was dressed and had pulled on her boots, she hurried out of the room in silence and had a quick wash and freshen-up in the bathroom, deciding not to flush the toilet just in case it woke her parents. Then tiptoeing, she returned to Tilly's room, only to find that she'd already dozed off again – she was so exhausted from last night's lovemaking, and then again this morning – it was no wonder really. Jen felt like _she_ could sleep for a week too! It was a shame she had a full day's lessons to lead... They were all prepared though, so it shouldn't take too much effort...

She bent to pick up her bag and keys and scanned the room to check she hadn't left anything. Then she wrote a little note, folded it and lay it on the pillow beside Tilly where she would find it as soon as she woke up. She stopped to gaze at Tilly's beauty, allowing herself the memories of her lovemaking.

"Hmm... You're not going to make it in today my darling," she whispered, bending down to kiss her head gently. "Sweet dreams... my little vampire" and she chuckled lightly to herself at the thought, as she tiptoed out, closing the door silently behind her.

The cool morning air was refreshing on her skin as she walked quickly back down the driveway to her jeep, which was waiting secretly around the corner, still parked untidily; half-on, half-off the pavement. Jen's urgency at not wanting to be seen (even when leaving at such an early time meant it was probably safe to relax a bit) and her fear of being found out, and determination to get as far away as possible, meant that she forgot, for the moment, the stinging in her neck and the bloodied mess that Tilly had left behind there. It wasn't until she was safely half way to college that her mind remembered and her body shot her another bolt of pain. _Ow_! It was a good job she had some cream in her desk drawer...!

And yet, in spite of the pain, and the inevitable questioning from Dianne, and teasing from her students and colleagues alike, she was privately pleased with the bite mark. She smiled through the pain. _Little vampire. Just wait till I see you next_! she thought to herself, gleefully, as she finally arrived at college and turned the jeep into the staff car park beside the line of whispering Silver Birch.


	34. Chapter 34

Chapter 34

"Hey Miss, what's that on your neck?" said Josh, one of her students, who was just voicing what everyone else was wondering in that first lesson of the day.

He grinned at her cheekily, knowingly, and the rest of the class giggled in light-hearted banter. So, Miss had a life outside college then, did she? She'd gone up in their estimation!

Jen smiled back at them all mysteriously; surprising herself with the knowledge that she was actually secretly enjoying this teasing – when once upon a time it would have horrified her and thrown her off-focus for the rest of the day. But no. She was actually loving the scrutiny – knowing that she was the object of their intrigue made her feel important and unique – set apart from the other tutors and closer to the students somehow. She felt younger, fresher, more daring, more alive, and knowing she wasn't scared or embarrassed or wanting to run away and hide was very empowering. She hadn't even attempted to cover-up Tilly's bite mark when she'd changed her outfit earlier. Why should she? - she'd thought to herself – she was proud of it and all it stood for: it was a mark of the most important person in her life and a mark of their love for each other... and, perhaps, a little reminder to herself that she was, in fact, still a bit of a rebel after all.

"Yeah, come on then Miss, tell us, how d'you get that?" Ben piped up, wanting to join-in the teasing because Miss Gilmore looked so sweet when she blushed and acted coyly. He'd often thought he'd like to know more about her private life – he bet she was far naughtier than the prim, professional front she always showed at college...

"It looks sore, Miss. How did you do it? You need some antiseptic on that" one of the girls joined-in gleefully too.

Jen's smile broadened as she looked at them all and she fought an urge to giggle. "Never you mind. It's really not important. I can't remember. Must've banged it on something when I tripped up yesterday." She beamed at them enigmatically, almost teasing them back.

"Aw come on Miss, that's not true! I can see teeth marks can't I?" Josh persisted.

"Nope. Can't be. It's _all_ your imagination Josh. We teachers lead very _boring_ lives, you know" Jen replied firmly, still smiling. She was giving nothing away!

_Yeah, I BET you do! _Ben thought, not believing a word of it, just like everyone else in the room. Then, before there was more time for speculation, Jen moved on with explaining the task at hand and the students' focus of attention swiftly moved to the large images of the Pre-Raphaelite painters, to explore their similar characteristics and use of colour and iconography...

Jen sat back and watched them all, once the class were hard at work, engrossed in their own writing, analysing the paintings before beginning their own project work when they would be experimenting with different materials to produce their own works in the same style. She was fond of them all – in fact, she liked _all_ her classes this year – they'd all responded to her really well and made a real effort with their work so far – apart from Bart, perhaps, who she suspected was smoking Cannabis again. She hoped he wasn't, for _his_ sake, but he'd drifted into lessons too dazed and distant to produce any detailed, focused work recently, to make her think otherwise. Perhaps she should approach Sinead about him, she wondered...

The classroom was warm and sunny and the light breeze was playing gentle rhythms against the half-open blinds which were restful, like the measured breathing of sleep. She stretched and covered-up a half-yawn that went unnoticed.

Good _grief_ she was tired! All that lovemaking... Stroking and kissing... beautiful, soft, porcelain skin... Tilly's mouth on her...

_Stop it!_ she warned herself, _That is NOT going to happen again!_ To avoid daydreaming she busied herself with tackling the extensive piles of paperwork and first project pieces which had begun to stack up, as deadlines had unfortunately converged that same week. Each time she began another new essay or artistic piece, she absent-mindedly touched the puckered skin on her neck which kept shooting her bolts of fresh pain. Ah well. Tilly was definitely _not_ going to be far from her thoughts today, for one reason or another, _that _was for sure!

The bell rang suddenly, making them all jump – they'd all been so engrossed in what they were doing! And so it came to packing-away and moving on to their next classes... and Jen found that the _whole day_ was like that: busy busy busy...!

After that first class there'd been lots of quizzical looks and glances at her neck but no one actually asked or teased her about it, much to her surprise – apart from a couple of her colleagues: Jayne, an English Language tutor, and Phil, a History tutor – both who found the whole thing hilarious and who ribbed Jen mercilessly, much to her delight. But that was it. She was sure she'd face more teasing tomorrow though, because she had cheekier classes then, on the whole, and she found that she was, actually, looking forward to it!

The next hurdle, though, was going to be facing Diane that evening. She _knew_ she would give her a hard time and a very uncomfortable conversation. Unlike everyone else, Diane knew too much about her and Tilly – she probably knew that Jen still had strong feelings for her, even though she'd pretended not to; even though she'd made out as if she'd ended it with Tilly at the time when Tilly went missing and ended up in hospital... Diane didn't know anything about Jen visiting her, and their relationship continuing and developing on from there, getting more and more serious... No. That conversation was going to be hard to get through. She'd have to think of something – or someone – to explain the bite mark away, she knew... A fictitious new girlfriend perhaps? One of the college tutors...? But Diane knew all of them didn't she? Hollyoaks wasn't a big place, and Diane had had links with the college for years...

Jen scanned her current room of students. They were all hard at work; there was no one needing her help or input at all, so she was fine to return to her marking – and her thoughts.

So. What to do...? Then she had an idea: what about the new staff? Diane wouldn't know _those_ tutors... What about Jayne, the new member of the English Faculty? Jen liked Jayne; she was always laughing and optimistic and getting up to things. She'd only just started this year, like Jen, and was about the same age, with the same rebellious streak in her; they'd often gravitated together in the staff room to talk and giggle between themselves at some of the other, more 'stuffy' tutors (or '_Wrinklies_' as Jayne called them). And while it seemed clear to Jen that she wasn't into women – because she was _such_ a flirt with anything male (even Keeler!) – there was _no way_ that Diane, or anyone else for that matter, would ever feel able to approach her and quiz her about her sexual orientation, would they? People just didn't do that, did they?

_Right. That's decided then, _Jen mused to herself, once again stifling a yawn as she bowed her head again to her paperwork and tried to focus on the handwritten words that jumped and bobbed around, all over the page, in the warm, sleepy Art room...

Just then she felt her hip vibrate, as her mobile registered a message where she'd pocketed it in her smart black trousers which, unknowingly to her, hugged her hips and flat stomach and smoothed down her thighs to really showcase her stunning figure. She fought the temptation to take it out and read it straight away; she knew it was college policy to ban mobile phones in lessons, although they _were_ allowed at all other times on campus, and she knew she had to set an example.

She looked at the clock: half an hour left. She was sure she could wait.

It vibrated again. And then again, seconds later. And again. And again. And again. Each time marked a new message.

She was intrigued and worried at the same time: _why_ was somebody bombarding her with messages like that if it wasn't an emergency? Her first thought was Tilly. Was she okay? What was wrong...?

She looked at the clock again: twenty-eight minutes left, and she knew she couldn't wait, so she stood up stiffly and walked over to the stock cupboard, seemingly looking for some piece of equipment or portfolio, and disappeared inside. She rounded a wall of packed shelves, so she wouldn't be seen if someone came to the doorway, and reached for her phone.

Six messages. All from Tilly.

Jen felt her heart race suddenly, and throb inside her chest; her fears for her lover surfacing easily, and then opened the first message:

_**You've taught me what this feels like-**_

The text was short, unfinished, and seemed to make no sense. At least it wasn't an emergency! Jen felt herself relaxing a bit. She opened the next one, read it, puzzled, and then the next... and the next... and so on until she'd read them all:

_**You've shown me who I am and who I want to be,**_

_**You tick EVERY SINGLE box for me,**_

_**You're EVERYTHING I want** **to live and breathe and say,**_

_**You're thought of, and you're missed, EVERY second of EVERY day**_

_**You KILL me when you're gone... but I'm never dead around your love-**_

It seemed to be some sort of poem that Tilly was sending to her, line by line, Jen thought, smiling to herself; feeling warm inside at such open, unhesitant affection for her.

The phone vibrated again in her hands as she held it. She opened this latest message, which was simple and powerful, and shot another bolt at her, straight through her heart this time, of love not pain. It seemed to be the conclusion of Tilly's poem for her:

_**I love you xx**_

Jen wiped her eyes from the tears she felt welling-up there, feeling moved, suddenly, to her very core, and was about to respond likewise when a deep cough came from the doorway, followed by Keeler's voice.

"Miss Gilmore?"

_Not again!_ The man seemed to have a talent of walking in on her private world! It was a good job she was round the other side of the shelves, she thought distantly, pocketing her phone immediately and grabbing the first things that came to hand.

She re-emerged from her private sanctuary, smiling politely, painting pallets in both hands.

"Yes Mr Keeler?"

"Ah, _there_ you are Jen" he smiled warmly at her. Then he gestured to somewhere out in the Art room that Jen couldn't yet see, before continuing: "I'd like you to meet Miss Stirling. Angela is going to be working with the Art Faculty for the next few weeks as an established artist in the outside world. She's looking forward to it. And we are _very_ glad to have her on our staff! It should _really_ help students in this subject plan for their own careers, don't you think?" he beamed, clearly delighted.

"Oh, yes of course. What a great opportunity Mr Keeler" Jen forced the words out, feeling every single part of her tense up at the thought. No it couldn't be. Surely not...

But as she emerged from the stock cupboard into the warm sunny room, blinking from the darkness and the sudden light, she found she was right. _Damn!_ Her heart started racing all over again – this time with a mixture of dread, and deep, deep anger – as she looked across the space occupied by her interested students, straight into the eyes of the newcomer, whose gaze settled immediately on the bite mark on Jen's neck.

Miss Angela Stirling.

Or 'Angel' as Jen knew her, although she most certainly was _not _an angel!

Angel Stirling.

Her ex.


	35. Chapter 35

Chapter 35

Everything stopped.

Everything paused, as their gaze finally met across the space.

Angel's cold blue eyes burned in their icy glint and Jen could see the turmoil lurking there. She still loved Jen, Jen could tell, but Angel also hated her, Jen could see that too, with a jealous rage that only someone who was spoilt, self-promoting and arrogant could feel, which had been lurking there, festering, slowly rotting what little piece of a heart she'd ever had.

Even now, looking at Angel standing there, in front of her, appearing very striking and coolly sophisticated beside Keeler; even now, Jen could not believe how she could have, once, been so in love with her – adoringly so – to the point where she'd been blind to her cruel side and blind, also, to her manipulation and two-timing... Angel had treated Jen like a possession: one which was easily controlled and which could be overlooked and side-lined whenever she got bored and wanted some fun elsewhere... Jen had only found out because she'd walked-in on her, mid-orgasm, one late autumn afternoon, with two other women she didn't know, in their bed. Jen could still remember turning and running away: running down that North London road, along the uneven pavement, slipping and skidding on its mottled carpet of leaves – oranges and reds – as more leaves kept falling on top of her as she ran; as the broken pieces of her heart kept falling inside her, and her life and future plans kept falling in bits around her thudding feet, which she could barely see through her falling tears. She'd run and run for hours, ending up on the floor of a friend's bedsit and then, later, back in her old teenage room at her parents...

She'd never gone back to Angel again. Not even for the rest of her things. No, that had been it for Jen. Even when Angel had come looking, apologising, desperately urging (Angel never begged!) and promising her the Earth. Even when Jen realised that Angel did actually love her more than anyone else in her life. Even then. Because Jen had also realised that Angel would never love her more than she loved herself. The truth was, Angel was incapable of it. Jen had been the best she could do as a stab at 'real life' and Jen knew that _she_ deserved much, much more. And so she'd gone, and she'd stayed away.

After months of distractions and travelling, and parties and one night stands, when she'd tried to forget and had slowly rebuilt herself, Jen had thrown herself back into her studies, back into achieving her teaching dream, and had... finally... made her way to Hollyoaks... feeling free, at last, and newborn; looking for fun; looking for adventure; looking for a fresh start: her life in boxes in the boot of her jeep... _That's_ when she'd met Tilly. And she'd known, before she'd even found out anything about her, that being with _her_ felt different and more special than _anything_ ever before.

Looking into Angel's eyes now just reminded Jen of the moment she'd caught her out, and all the moments since, when Angel was still incapable of truth or humility or remorse – her blue eyes just looked as they always had – cold, deceiving, aloof and dead. Only, this time, there was a steely determination about them too, like those of a waiting Preying Mantis... waiting to strike. The faint shadow of a cruel, jealous smile played at the corners of her thin lips. Oh, Angel was after blood, Jen could see that too, and she would _not_ be taking any prisoners: the fight was very much on! But Jen's disgust and deep-seated anger at how Angel had manipulated and hurt Tilly the last time she'd been in town was growing stronger the more she looked at her... Jen was _not_ going to give up her new life without a fight either!

.

The air crackled between them, in spite of their mutual public show of politeness... so that, even though Keeler and most of the interested students seemed oblivious to it, one or two of them shifted a little in their seats, uncomfortable suddenly, without really knowing why.

"Nice to meet you," Angel nodded at her coolly, again shifting her gaze to stare at Jen's neck, where Tilly's bite mark seemed to grin back at her defiantly. Angel's smile froze: she looked as though she was gritting her teeth behind its mask.

"Yes, you too," Jen replied, using her more formal, distant tone. She was determined not to be intimidated by Angel's deliberate intrusion. Whereas, months ago, her arrival in Jen's class would have completely thrown her – as would her clear notice of Jen's neck – right now, Jen felt changed: stronger, more empowered than she'd been before.

"Oh dear, what's _that_ on your neck?" Angel deliberately stated, loudly, so that everyone looked there, including Keeler. She continued, with a pretended apologetic tone: "Oh, I do hope you don't mind me pointing it out – it's just that it looks sore. Can _you_ see Mr Keeler? Have you hurt yourself at work at all?..." Angel made her voice sound politely concerned and friendly. Yet Jen saw that she was clearly trying to wrong-foot her and cause trouble. _So be it. Roll with it..._ Jen's calmer, more empowered inner voice breathed inside her mind.

"What, _this_?" Jen replied dismissively, seemingly surprised at any fuss, playing it down totally. "Oh, it's just a little scratch really. I caught it on a jutting-out nail in the stock cupboard yesterday and it pulled some of the skin. It's nothing really, I can assure you... And it's not a 'Health and Safety' issue, either, Mr Keeler, don't worry," Jen added jokingly, for Keeler's benefit.

Keeler smiled, somewhat bemused, as Angel's eyes darkened in petulant disappointment – she hadn't caused the scene she'd wanted, and she certainly didn't like Jen's self-assured response. Jen was glad. It made her feel even more ready for the fight! _Bring it on Angel. I'm ready for you this time. And if you so much as harm a hair on Tilly's head, you'll be sorrier than you've ever been in your life before!_ Jen thought to herself fiercely.

"Right, well, we'd best get on then. Thank you Miss Gilmore," Keeler concluded their interruption to the lesson.

"No problem at all Mr Keeler," Jen replied innocently, smiling sweetly at both of them, showing everyone there that she was fully in control and fully at ease. She sank down into her chair once the door closed behind them.

"Wow! She's _gorgeous_!" gasped Adam, one of the students at the front of the room. All the other male students loudly agreed.

"Well, thank you for sharing that with us, boys..!" Jen responded, to the girls' giggles, "...whatever takes your fancy," she added lightly. Oh, if only they knew that _none_ of them were Angel's type!

"Now come on, we've only five minutes to go, so clear up everything now please. Wash your paint trays and brushes; put everything back in its place; move your easels to the far side to dry... Come _on_ people! Chop chop! Get a move on..." Jen bustled them, clapping her hands to hurry them more, glad to focus on the practicalities of her job and take a break from worrying about Angel's next move until she'd got time for that later.

Of course, the next hurdle was Diane...

But even before that, Jen _knew_ she had to forewarn Tilly that her ex was very much back in town. She knew, now, from recent experience that, if nothing else, she and Tilly would get through this new 'problem' _as long as_ they talked and didn't keep secrets from each other, no matter how silly or unnecessary it might seem. She knew that Angel liked to 'divide and conquer' and she'd certainly used that technique to come between them the last time...

So Jen took out her phone again, once the last student had gone and she'd checked there was no one in the corridor. She locked the classroom door – just in case! – and went into the stock cupboard, around the other side of the shelves, like before, to make the call.

Tilly answered almost immediately.

"Hi Jen, what's wrong? Everything ok? You don't usually call from college..."

"Hey you, you ok?" Jen tried to sound relaxed.

"Yeah, course. You? What's up Jen? I know something's up – I can hear it in your voice. Tell me."

Jen paused, wondering how to word it, then decided to just come out with it: "Angel's back in town."

"Angel? Who's –?"

"My ex." Jen paused, letting it sink in before continuing. "You know, that evil, jealous woman who put up the exhibition of pictures of me and convinced you I was two-timing you with her... _That_ cow. You remember?"

Tilly was briefly taken aback by Jen's vehement insult: it was _so_ out of character. It brought it all back to her.

"How could I forget? Oh no Jen! What are we going to do? I don't know if I can handle seeing her again! How do you know she's back? Are you _sure_?" Tilly's voice was breathless and urgent: clearly stressed.

"Yes I'm sure all right! She's only gone and arranged with Keeler to come in and work with the Art Faculty for the next three or four weeks, hasn't she?"

"Oh, god Jen! Oh no..."

"_Hey_, it's ok Tilly. I _promise_ it'll be ok." Jen spoke calmly, reassuring her, "All you need to do is behave like just another art student of mine who may or may not be able to remember walking past her in the gallery in town. That's it."

"But she knows about me, about us, Jen. She can –"

"She can't do _anything_ Tilly. Really. _Trust_ me."

"Wow I feel sick. Any chance I can complete my coursework from my sick bed at home?"

"Ha! No way hose'! Really Tilly, it'll be fine – as long as we stay true to each other and we're very, very careful... No one knows the link between her and me, thankfully, and miraculously no one at college had chance to see her exhibition of me because by the time the gallery had finished hanging them up as exhibits I was there, tearing them all down again and threatening to sue, so the whole thing was a non-starter anyway. The only other person to know is Diane... Talking of which, I'll need to explain your bite mark when I get in tonight!"

"Oh Jen, what a mess – Oh no! Did _she_ see it? The bite?"

"Yep. And she drew Keeler's attention to it."

"Oh no! Jen – "

"It's okay, I found it quite funny really. It's surprisingly sad of her to stoop so low."

"Funny? Jen, are you _mad_? Listen, I'm _so_ sorry Jen. What happened? What did you do?"

"I just dismissed it away, saying I'd caught my neck on a jutting-out nail in the store cupboard here and it had pulled some of the skin away."

"But you can see _teeth_ marks Jen! Who'd buy that line?"

"Well they did. I can be _very_ convincing, you know," Jen's voice was suddenly husky and she could hear the warmth of Tilly's smile as she replied:

"Yeah, I know that only too well...! Oh Jen, it means we're not going to see each other anymore doesn't it? Last night, having you in my bed all night, and seeing you get up out of it this morning – it was _so_ special – _that's_ what I want now. It's not fair!"

"I know, you're right, it _was_ really special. It was tough leaving you this morning, _really_ tough! You looked so sweet. Wish I could've stayed with you. I'd've brought you breakfast in bed – the whole works – for a fantastic night... Oh, and I _loved_ the poem. Thank you."

" 's ok," Tilly murmured shyly, moved suddenly, by Jen's uncharacteristic show of emotional honesty. She really was getting better at communication, Tilly thought, longing to wrap her arms around her.

There was a pause between them as they both felt the gaping emptiness of separation, and then Jen thought of something more reassuring.

"Look at it this way – it's just a matter of time, ok? When you're eighteen, the risk of me going to prison won't be there anymore, so maybe I'll be able to test the water with Diane again – maybe even Keeler, who knows? Or, if that's not going to work, I can always be looking for jobs elsewhere can't I? Once you're eighteen it'll be easier to go public about it – and Angel won't be able to cause as much danger." Jen paused suddenly. "Just promise me one thing ok?"

"What?"

"That you don't believe a word she says – especially if it's about me – and you don't let her unnerve you, or psyche you out, by telling you about her past relationship with me, or about anything she and I might have shared, ok? I know it'd be hard for you to hear, like it was in the gallery, so remember it from _my_ point of view. Remember that _I_ left _her_. I didn't want that life with her. So, if she makes it sound like it was amazing between us, take it from me – it _wasn't_. And in any case, what I feel when I'm with _you_, even when we're just talking, is _so_ much more powerful and special than _anything_ I _ever_ felt when I was with her. Just remember that ok? Because she will try her utmost to split us up..." Jen paused then, wanting to emphasise just how manipulative Tilly should know Angel was. But she was aware, now, that the conversation had become too serious... She didn't want to frighten Tilly. Then she smiled to herself and continued on a different tack:

"...As for missing me – because I know you will – "

"Oh, _do_ you, now? That a fact eh?" Tilly interrupted, pretending to be indignant. Jen laughed. Somehow their natural flirting with each other made the prospect of Angel fade into the background for the moment... It was a welcome relief, and one that Jen wanted to preserve.

"Ha ha, yes – well, there's always the option of... er... naughty phone calls, isn't there...?"

"Miss Jennifer Gilmore, I am _shocked_! Are you suggesting phone sex with me?"

"Well? I think I'd quite fancy phone _sexing_ you, instead of texting you!"

Tilly giggled.

"What do you think?"

"Honestly?" Tilly replied, still giggling, "I don't think we'll be able to; we'll be giggling too much! Anyway, won't it be a bit weird? A bit, you know, embarrassing – ?"

Jen couldn't believe her ears! "You _are _joking?" she said with a laugh. "You mean to tell me that you'll get embarrassed talking dirty to me?"

"Yeah, well, you know – "

"Matilda Evans, how can you _say_ that after what you did to me last night?"

Tilly giggled again. Smiling at the thought, Jen continued: "Well, let's see shall we? Now, what was it you did to me again...?"

"Can't remember!"

"Oooh. You – ! Come on! Just try. Just see, now, if you can say it. Come on. Do it for me. Put it into words..."

"Well..."

"Yes?"

"First, I..."

"Yes?"

"...grabbed you in the shower, from behind, and... wrapped my right arm around your stomach and... felt across your side with my left hand and... moved it up to your breasts and..." Tilly's voice had become a whisper. So had Jen's:

"Go on."

"No, I can't Jen."

"Yes you can. You made love to me Tilly Evans, and it was amazing, and there's nothing wrong with that at all. It was beautiful. You made me feel beautiful..."

"I know, but _doing_ it is one thing, if it feels right – _saying_ it is quite another!"

"Look. Maybe it's the words that are making you feel uneasy. So, let's practise them. Tell me... all the naughty places where your mouth and fingers have been on my body."

"Oh, Jen."

"Come on! Try please!" Jen persevered, using her teacherly tone to add some light-hearted irony.

Tilly sighed in resignation. "Ok... er..." she began hesitantly, politely, "...face... stomach... legs... er..."

"No, I mean, _all_ the places. Break it down into each separate part."

"What do you mean?"

"You know _exactly_ what I mean! Ok. Like this... Tilly Evans, I love touching you, and stroking you, with my nose, and lips, and fingers, and tongue... on your mouth, your nose, your cheeks, ears, neck, shoulders, collar bone, breasts, nipples, stomach, naval, or 'tummy button'... which is _lovely_, I might add... across your ribs, down your sides, along your groin... ooh, that silky soft groin that I love to run my tongue along, all the way down to your... clitoris..."

Tilly guffawed. Jen ignored her, continuing; slowly getting into it, picturing Tilly beneath her, naked and warm, soft and sexy. She made her voice go husky and soft, and slowed it right down as she spoke:

"...and I love to move my hand between your legs and stroke you there, moving my fingers, and then my tongue, from the space up around your clitoris, down between those lips and along them, making them wetter and wetter until I get to the opening of your – "

"Stop! Jen! Please!... Okay okay I get it..." Tilly was blushing so much, feeling hot, suddenly. Jen ignored her, knowing it was just embarrassment at voicing the intimacy between them. She wanted to free her from her inhibitions, and _besides_, it was quite addictive...

"... and I love to push my tongue deep inside you, in and out, in and out, deeper and deeper, until you arch your back, and I replace my tongue with my soft fingers and gently, very gently fuck you, getting harder, and deeper inside you, as you get wetter, and wetter, again and again, until your body bucks and you come..."

Tilly squealed in pretended shock and real embarrassment. "_Jen_! You are very... _very._.."

"Bad?" Jen interrupted. "I know my darling, I'm very good at being bad, aren't I? Sorry I didn't stop – I was enjoying it too much – kinda turned me on, to be honest. Are _you_ okay?"

"Erm... yes... You've made me want to... er..."

Jen laughed softly. Knowingly. It was a lovely sound, Tilly thought.

"I know... _Hey_,..." Jen murmured gently, "...just _imagine_. If we were in bed tonight, lights off, just the sound of our voices talking like that, as we touch ourselves and tell each other what we're doing... Imagine being _naked_ under the covers, telling each other what to do..."

Jen could hear Tilly's breathing was heavier already. She liked knowing she had that effect on her beautiful lover. Perhaps that's why she'd been feeling so empowered lately... Tilly swallowed before replying, quietly, clearly brimming with emotion for her:

"Wow Jen. You really have a talent, you know? – that voice of yours! It whispers like silk. You're already stroking me, but with your heavenly voice... God I want you! So, _so_ much!"

"Ok then, gorgeous. I'll let you have me. All to yourself. At eleven o'clock tonight. In bed. Naked. On the phone with me. Ok? Wanna try?"

There was no hesitation in Tilly's reply, which made Jen grin: "Make it half ten and I'm all yours!" Tilly said.

"Ok then, half ten it is," Jen breathed down the phone seductively, and then realised something and added: "And Tilly, just look how Angel, and Diane, and Keeler, and the bite mark, and college and everything... look how it's all just backed off a bit, hey? Doesn't it all seem like less of a burden somehow? Now we know we've still got each other, even if we can't meet up again just yet? Now we've got... _this_?"

Tilly sighed. "Yes, Miss Perfect, you are right, actually. I'm surprised it works, but it does. I can't wait till tonight Jen! I'll be thinking of you constantly from now until then you know!"

"Oh, I _know_!"

"Good luck with Diane, ok?"

"Thanks. And you, get practising with naughty words ok? Maybe even _pussy_cat?..."

They both giggled again and Tilly groaned with the cheesiness of it all.

"...Try telling yourself what you want to do to me and where, ok? I _dare_ you!" Jen whispered fiercely.

"Ha! You're on!" came the equally fierce, whispered reply.

Both women smiled when they put their phones down. Wow. The power of words, eh? Later on was going to be interesting! Jen couldn't wait to get naked with her phone and Tilly in bed...

_So you see Angel. _She thought to herself, as she finished tidying up, before locking up again and leaving._ Do your worst! Because we can get through any rubbish you throw at us, we can get through all this, and we are stronger than ever, actually!_

Jen didn't know if it was a good thing or not, but she didn't feel any inner dread at what tomorrow might bring. Even if she had to spend it with her ex.

But thinking about the next hour was a different story. She hoped Diane was in a good mood...

As if on cue, the puckered skin on her neck shot her another bolt of pain. Some distant part of her, some part of the old Jen, before that empowered feeling, hoped it wasn't an omen...

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	36. Chapter 36

[_Author's note: I'd just like to say thanks to all the other writers here - I'm frequently moved, and inspired, by your work. I'd also like to acknowledge a quiet, coy nod to whichever of you may have used the analogy of a chess game, and possibly the analogy of a deadly angel too - these analogies have honestly felt like my own here - but I'm all too aware of the power and influence of other, external, ideas filtering through my subconscious and penetrating my thoughts. So, if either idea is recognised at all as one of yours, thank you very much for clearly making your world influence mine. Esme xx_]

Chapter 36

One thing she _wasn't_ expecting, when she unlocked the door of the flat and entered, was to find that Angel had beaten her to it! Jen sensed it immediately...

Angel had 'visited' on the pretense that she was a friend of Jen's who, having just started working with her, needed to tell her which parts of the project work and which lessons tomorrow she would be participating in.

Straight away, Diane had recognised her from somewhere before, although she couldn't immediately think where... She'd found it strange that this sophisticated, striking-looking woman should have taken the trouble to call round rather than text or phone Jen or speak to her at college, like a colleague would. But Angel had anticipated this and had been very convincing - even with answers that, coming from anyone else, would sound lame; saying that she'd not been able to find Jen at college and she'd not been able to leave her a message because Jen's phone was not receiving them for some reason. And Angel had still been very convincing at the end of the conversation, when Diane had suddenly remembered where she'd seen her before - there, at the flat, visiting Jen months ago - and Jen's later confession, when Tilly disappeared, that she was not her friend but a very jealous, spiteful ex... Diane had been relieved to close the door when she'd left.

Somehow Jen knew she'd been. Perhaps some part of her noticed a faint, half-remembered scent in the air that still lingered, refusing to leave, like the edges of a nasty dream... She wasn't sure _how_ she knew, but somehow she _knew_...

Angel could turn on the charm whenever and with whoever she liked, Jen thought, as she looked over to where Diane was sitting with a cup of tea, waiting for her.

Sure enough, Jen wasn't at all surprised to see Diane searching her face and neck, looking for something - as if she'd been told to - until her eyes found the bite mark and stayed there; a frown appearing at the corners of her mouth disapprovingly.

So. Not satisfied with not causing a scene in class with Keeler, Angel had stirred things up here for her instead, had she? It certainly seemed like it. Jen decided to play it cool.

"Oh hi, Diane. Good day?" she asked cheerfully, as if all was fine with the world. She dumped her bag and wandered across to the kitchen area where she re-boiled the kettle and set about making herself a cup of tea. "Would you like another cup?" she asked pleasantly, before Diane could start anything.

"No thanks love, I'm fine with this one" Diane answered, and Jen heard her stand up and move to join her near the table while she was bending-down to get the milk out of the fridge.

"Is everything all right at work, love?" Diane asked her then.

"Yes, why?" Jen replied, keeping her tone light, as she took her time stirring the hot liquid before replacing the milk and turning to look at her at last.

"Are you _sure_ there's nothing you want to tell me Jen?" Diane persevered, looking again at her neck with a look of resigned confirmation in her face.

Jen wondered just how far Angel had gone with the 'innocent gossip' persona. After her quip with Keeler earlier, drawing attention to Jen's neck, she knew she had to expect the worst.

Sure enough, Diane pointed at Tilly's bite mark and looked searchingly into Jen's eyes.

"What's this eh?" she demanded.

Jen blushed, in spite of herself.

"Oh come _on_ Jen! We _talked_ about this! You _promised_ me it was over with her! How _stupid_ can you _be_?"

It was obvious who she was talking about. So. Angel had dropped enough subtle hints about a tall, red-headed girl hanging around Jen at college - or something like that - to convince Diane of the culprit of the bite already, had she? Jen felt incensed. How _dare_ she! How dare both of them! _Careful, Jen, be clever about this. You're playing Angel's game now. Now it's your move..._ She was suddenly thankful of her new, empowered, inner voice reigning her in: it seemed wiser, more intelligent, more mature than her usual hot-headed self and she'd certainly have to be level-headed and controlled if she was going to take on Angel.

"Er - Diane! Do you _mind_? Credit me with _some_ sense, will you please?" Jen showed just the right level of indignance. "You're jumping to conclusions here! - "

"_Am_ I?" Diane interrupted her, anxious to know.

"_Yes_!" Jen took a breath before continuing her pre-planned excuse. She secretly crossed her fingers as she spoke, hoping it sounded convincing. "If you _must_ know, I've been seeing someone new."

"What?" Diane was surprised. "Who?"

"Oh come on Diane, it's _private_... and it _is_ very early days - "

"Do you _really_ expect me to believe that Jen? Come _on_ love! I wasn't born yesterday. I know all the tricks!"

"_Diane_! I'm telling the _truth_ here!" Jen crossed her fingers even harder. The indignant anger at the unfairness of having to lie was giving her more strength to put into the performance. "Look, I didn't want to say anything, because it's early days, and it's one of the new staff at college and so... well, you know... it's more open to scrutiny isn't it?"

Diane rolled her eyes as if to say 'Well, you'd know all about _that_, wouldn't you?' but she said nothing and let Jen speak.

"Her name's Jayne and... she's my age, you'll be relieved to know... (Diane rolled her eyes again and put her hand on her hip decisively)... and she's just joined the English Faculty at college." Then Jen pretended to hesitate and looked beseechingly at Diane. "But please don't say anything about it, to her or anyone, Diane, because... she's not open about her feelings at all - this is all new to her - so, to all intents and purposes we are just 'friends' okay?" She _hated_ lying like this, particularly about someone's fabricated sexuality; particularly when it implied they were scared, or unsure, or still in the closet about it - particularly when it wasn't true and Jayne was a friend. But what else was she to do? Come clean? Hardly!

Anyway, it seemed to work. Diane seemed to relax a bit.

"Look, I'm sorry I jumped the gun, love. It's only because I'm worried about you. Especially since that friend of yours, from before, came round here earlier wanting to speak to you."

Jen pretended ignorance. "Who?"

"You know, the one you said was your ex, who tried to come between you and Tilly that time, who made Tilly want to run away and - "

"Oh. _Her_!"

"Yes... I didn't know you were working with her at college, Jen? She said she needed to talk to you about the work she'd be doing with your classes tomorrow - she's made some notes for you. I've left them on the table."

"Huh, I bet she did," Jen said scornfully.

"I'll be honest Jen. I didn't realise who she was at first. She just seemed vaguely familiar. I only realised near the end of her visit, when she was about to leave, and it's a good job she left when she did because after what _she_ did to Tilly... well, I felt like swinging for her! I can't understand how you can _look_ at her, nevermind _work_ with her! Honestly, love, I can't! I certainly couldn't!"

"Yeah, well, it was news to me too Diane. I wasn't given a choice about it; it was already arranged. Keeler just introduced her to me this afternoon out of the blue near the end of my lesson. It was all I could do to be polite to her in front of the students... And I don't know _how_ Tilly will react when she sees the two of us working together tomorrow, I really don't."

"Well. _That's_ not your problem anymore, is it Jen? Just you make sure you stay out of anything with Tilly. You don't want her to jeopardise anything do you? _Or_ that woman - what's her name? Angela?"

"Angel"

"Yes, Angel. You don't want _her_ to mess things up for you either, do you?"

"No"

"So just stay focused and professional. And if I can help keep her at arm's length for you then I will, ok love? You don't have to worry about her with me. And if she starts causing trouble, you just let me know... I know _just_ how to work my magic on Keeler."

"Thanks Diane." Jen heaved a sigh of relief: perhaps the worst was over then, for now...

She carried her mug over to the sitting area and allowed herself to sink down into one of the armchairs, kicking-off her boots in the process and lifting up slightly, to slip her feet underneath herself in a warm, cosy heap. She automatically moved one of the cushions from behind her so that she was hugging it in a tight cuddle, subconsciously wanting the warm, adoring touch of her beautiful red-head around her.

Diane came and perched on the arm of the neighbouring sofa and the two of them spent another few minutes talking about things at college in general, and Sinead and Bart, and then the conversation shifted to current local news and the latest talent on Strictly Come Dancing... Then Diane stood up, restless, and suggested lasagne for tea, insisting on Jen staying where she was because she looked so tired, and went to go and make a start on it, humming a tune as she banged her way around the kitchen cupboards and oven and worktops, clearly relieved that she didn't have to worry about the prospect of Jen being with Tilly all over again.

Jen sank further into the cosy armchair around her and flicked on some mindless television and lay her head back against the soft fabric and closed her eyes. Deflecting Diane's angry suspicion had made her feel like she'd just made an irreparable and significant forward move in some kind of game of wits with Angel... It made her imagine both of them standing facing each other as pieces on a giant chess board, with the other people in her life making up the other pieces - including those people she'd not seen or heard from for a while: her brother Liam... her parents, who'd become almost like strangers to her recently... her university friends...

Suddenly, Tilly appeared there, joining them all, but standing in the middle of the chessboard, exposed and vulnerable, between the two queens that were Jen and Angel... Jen swallowed. She _wished_ she'd paid more attention to her History teacher, Mr Davies, who had taught them all to play chess when she was in high school. Only, _she'd_ been more interested in eyeing-up Rebecca Shepherd who sat diagonally across from her, near the front, with her deep golden hair cascading over her shoulders like a flowing waterfall that caught the sunlight...

Well. She was determined to win _this_ game, _that_ was for sure! _Come on then Angel. It's your move again now_... she thought vaguely, as she relaxed even more and drifted off for a moment into a land, somewhere, over the rainbow, where skies were blue and the dream that _she_ dared to dream - a happily ever after with Tilly - really _did_ come true...

Yet she knew, somehow, as she was drifting there, dozing now, that in _her_ land over the rainbow, bluebirds _didn't_ fly - instead, just one winged creature flew - an angel, like the oldest, darkest, fallen angel of destiny, with jet black wings of sinful pride and hatred, and piercing blue eyes that burned their jealousy up towards heaven.

Jen shuddered, in her sleeping doze, and her empty mug fell from her outstretched hand and landed with a heavy thud on the carpeted floor, so hard that it cracked.

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	37. Chapter 37

Chapter 37

Daylight arrived too soon. It peered-in too eagerly; too rudely. It seemed too harsh, after the beauty of their shared sensuality the night before.

_That_ had filled the darkness with an electric charge between them, more powerful than either had ever imagined. It had worked its alluring, life-affirming magic on both of them: they had found themselves consumed by wave after wave of molten sensations, which flowed through them and over them, repeatedly, in a tidal current neither could escape, or would ever want to.

They had felt more acutely alive than they had ever done: together yet separate; lying in the naked dark, with their minds and bodies and hands and whispers... It had surprised them both with its intensity. Somehow, putting their intimacy into words had stripped them bare _beyond_ their mere bodies. There had been nowhere to hide; just complete, open, honesty, which had had to break through the solid social barrier of politeness.

At first they had both felt exposed, vulnerable - to the truth that was _their_ truth. Even Jen. Particularly Jen, who was _so_ adept at hiding her true emotions and not communicating them. It had been something of a shock to her. She had started this expecting it to be easy and just a bit of spicy fun for them - after all, she was completely at ease with who she was and what she liked, and she'd never been scared of words... But this was different. This was real and bare and honest. This mattered to her. To both of them.

Their senses had been heightened to an extreme and kept that way for a prolonged time, leaving both of them feeling exhausted but pulsatingly alive: complete; validated in some special way, in the dark caressing cocoon of their private world, as they floated together, towards each other, across their own sultry sea; reaching out to merge across the shrinking distance of the town which physically separated them.

But now the day had woken. Far too soon. And neither of them felt ready or willing to leave behind their private land and rise to face it.

The intrusive sunlight gleamed suddenly and cut itself on the corners of both bedroom windows and bled into both their rooms. It severed the unified darkness from the night's loving dream and sliced into the morning, demanding their attention.

By the time they arrived at college - separately of course - they were, both of them, short-tempered and moody: resentful at having to be there and resentful at having to live a lie.

Tilly marched straight to the common room where she uncharacteristically slung down her bag of carefully organised, ordered books and sat there, arms folded, moodily waiting for the others...

Jen slammed the door of her jeep, once she'd dragged herself out of it, then slammed the boot, having retrieved her yellow satchel, and clumped up the stairs to her room, slamming that door behind her too, for added spite against the day...

And she knew, instantly, she was not alone.

Worse still, her desk which had been awash with carefully stacked coursework papers had been cleared and moved to the far side of the room, making her feel disorientated and strangely violated: her privacy - her personal space - had been blatantly invaded!

As Jen surveyed her room in annoyance, Angel emerged from the dark-room, holding two freshly developed photographs in both hands, still wet. She pretended surprise at seeing Jen, as if it was _her_ work space, not Jen's, and stood there confidently, challenging her; looking irritatingly commanding.

"Huh, I might have guessed you'd start making yourself feel at home Angel," Jen began, an edge of coldness to her voice. Angel beamed enigmatically, clearly enjoying the look of annoyed conflict in Jen's otherwise beautiful face.

"Ah, I see someone got out of bed on the wrong side this glorious morning" she purred, and flashed a flirty look at Jen as she turned to hang the wet photos up, pegging them onto the line of string she'd already erected across a corner of the room, beside the desk. Jen didn't respond. She knew Angel was trying to push her buttons to force an outburst. But knowing that didn't make it any easier, as Angel continued to push...

"Really Jennifer, anyone would think you were frustrated about something! Not sleeping are we? Not liking a cold, empty bed? Why not ask that red-head to join you and warm you up? ...Or is _that_ the problem? Has she already... hmm?" she nodded knowingly to Tilly's mark on Jen's neck and Jen automatically, without thinking, reached up to cover it protectively with her hand. It was just a reflex, but one which told Angel everything she needed to know. "I see. Hit a nerve have I Jenny? You always liked red-heads I seem to remember..." she said quietly, trailing off with an air of haughty superiority.

"You're out of your mind!" Jen replied, suddenly feeling sure that she was revealing far too much without knowing she was doing so. She was about to come back at Angel with a clever retort but Angel began again, using her soft, seductive voice to try to unbalance Jen's apparent resolve.

"So, shall we be blessed with the company of the idolised ginger specimen today then?" she needled. She saw the sudden dangerous glint in Jen's eyes and seemed pleased.

"Oh _grow_ _up_ Angel!" Jen replied, determined not to fully bite back - or, indeed, swing for her, which was what she _really_ wanted to do. _That wouldn't solve anything_, she told herself. _Oh, but it'd feel so good_! her instinct argued back. Once again Jen could feel that she was being played with. Angel was watching her, wearing a curious smile on her face, like that of a wayward child who liked pulling the legs off insects and seeing them squirm. Jen had to wrestle herself away: it was obvious Angel wanted a fight.

Jen turned and walked across to her desk. "And where the _hell_ have you moved all my coursework to?" she demanded to know. She put her satchel down and glared across at Angel, indignant that she would go so far as to meddle with students' work.

Angel approached her, gliding her slim, chic body across the varnished floor, calmly in control. She moved-in close; her piercing blue eyes penetrated Jen's glinting hazel ones, making Jen feel skewered somehow, like a pinned butterfly on display. She stood before her, so close they were almost touching, and moved-in even closer so that Jen could feel and almost taste her honey-sweet scent... When Angel spoke her whispered reply, Jen's skin felt as if it was being kissed by her breath. Jen tensed. Angel saw.

"Your coursework is safe and sound, Jennifer, and locked away in the cupboard where it should have been kept under tighter lock and key. I was told that I could look at it so that I would know where your students were upto and then be able to see how best to tailor my input for their benefit."

"Well damn well ask my permission first in future, do you hear?" Jen glared at her. Angel smiled seductively and gazed more deeply into Jen's eyes so that Jen felt her soul begin to burn painfully as Angel continued in a voice of pure silk:

"Jenny, as much as you might tell yourself that I'm only here to cause trouble for you, the truth is, I'm here because I care -"

Jen snorted her disgust. Angel lifted her hand then, and before Jen knew what was happening she was stroking gently down the side of Jen's face, in a parody of love.

"- and as much as you might struggle and fight it, you _know_ you still do too. You can't escape it you know, Jenny-jen..."

Jen tensed again at her touch and brushed her hand away dismissively, making Angel's eyes turn a darker shade of unreadable force.

"You were always delusional, Angel. Always!" Jen replied, furious.

Angel threw back her head and laughed. It made Jen boil! She grabbed Angel's arms in her own tense grip and pulled her to attention forcefully, about to put her in her place. But she was completely thrown off-course when Angel didn't hesitate and kissed her, full on the mouth, passionately pressing into her.

Jen immediately pulled back in shock and distaste. But Angel followed her move, leaning into Jen's strong arms and iron grip which had such a tight hold on her, using it for support so that she could lever herself forward to prolong the kiss. Their lips grazed and battled together briefly.

Just then, the stairs outside the room creaked: there were restless footsteps waiting there already.

Jen pulled away again, flustered, in time to see a flash of fiery-red hair bob to the side of the window in the classroom door and then her eyes focused on the foreground again, right in front of her, and Angel's gleeful, smiling gaze.

"Oh. Are there people waiting? _How_ exciting! Any red-heads?" Angel's voice sounded innocent and light, but was nothing of the sort! She almost clapped her hands in excitement.

Of _course_ she must have seen her!

Jen struggled to regain composure, suddenly busying herself with reaching for her planner and flicking through its pages for the day's lessons, shaking her head awake and plastering a fixed smile on her face.

Angel had just enough time, before the waiting class entered, to stroke along Jen's hand which was gripping the desk, knuckles white with tension, and purr into her ear a delighted whisper: "Ooh, let the fun begin!"

Jen closed her eyes, already feeling a tension headache starting, and prepared herself to go into automatic Miss Gilmore mode. _Come __**on**__ Jen, you can do it. Don't let her win. You can __**do**__ this!_ her inner voice spoke to her, strengthening her resolve once more.

When she opened her eyes Angel saw that they were calmer, more distant and far more controlled. She inwardly frowned. Her Jenny had changed, then, had she? Grown up, it seemed... Well, she'd have to do something about that!

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	38. Chapter 38

Chapter 38

"Good morning everyone. Come on in." Jen warmly welcomed her first class of the day, smiling at them all as they entered, in spite of what had just happened.

Her outer control belied the conflict raging inside her, which was a mixture of deep-seated emotion over Angel and the worry of what Tilly had witnessed, if anything, and how it could affect her: her concern was made more poignant and powerful because of their new-found verbal intimacy and because she was missing her so much already. As soon as she saw her, all she wanted to do was scoop her up in her arms... Her self-control in public was being sorely tested, under the watchful scrutiny of Angel's piercing gaze!

Tilly had moved from the front of the waiting line to nearer the back, making her one of the last students to enter, alongside a very spaced-out Bart and a surprisingly cheerful Esther, with George in tow. She breezed past Jen and gave her a cursory nod and a polite smile, just as any student would to any teacher, and calmly took up her place at one of the easels furthest away which already held her canvas, ready and waiting, just as the other students' easels were already prepared and waiting for them too.

Jen didn't detect any edge to her behaviour at all, which was a relief, even when she could feel her own inner struggle of emotion at being so near to her and being able to look, but not touch. She could feel her heart and her body aching for her and wanted more than anything to reach out to her across the room and hold her and stroke her and make beautiful love to her and kiss away the violating, sickly-sweet taste of Angel which still lingered obscenely on her lips...

But despite these emotions surging through her, Jen barely looked at Tilly at all. She only glanced in her direction briefly, as part of a sweep of eye-contact across the room; across all of them, during her introduction of the lesson task which was to continue with their canvas paintings from their preliminary sketches and today create more depth and perspective by using a new tool - applying some of the paintwork with a spatula instead of a brush.

Likewise, Tilly barely looked at Jen too - she just stood at her easel, wholly engaged in the task at hand and seemed almost completely absorbed in applying the different shades and thicknesses of acrylic to her canvas to create different effects of three-dimensional depth...

Angel stood back and watched them both, dissatisfied with what she was seeing. She'd expected tension between them, and embarrassment and discomfort, or signs of an obsessive attraction they couldn't fully control - Tilly especially, given her age. She wanted fireworks, and emotional mess. Lots of emotional mess. Yet, to anyone who didn't know their secret, they appeared to have a perfectly ordinary, quite mundane, student-teacher relationship just like everyone else's. She burned with jealous frustration, determined to test them; expose them; punish them. She stood there wondering just how she could spark things off...

Jen began to circulate the room, making sure to keep to the opposite side of the space from Angel, convinced she'd try something else. She _had_ been going to introduce her formally to the group but after what she'd just tried, Jen decided against it for now. There'd be time enough for that later - it wasn't necessary - and anyway, Jen felt much happier with her students seeing Angel as she was: some kind of advisor or classroom assistant, rather than what Angel would choose to be seen as - someone more important who was equally in charge. So Jen shrugged off the feeling of Angel's icy eyes boring into her and started helping the nearest student, Adam, with developing his ideas and his technique... She was soon engrossed in the medium of the paint, showing him different effects and patterns that could be created, both blatant and subtle, with the spatula; her natural talent and love for the medium shining through for all to see: her enthusiasm was infectious.

Then something caught her eye from the other side of the room. Jen looked up.

There, in the corner furthest away, Angel was standing leaning closely into Tilly, whispering intensely to her and shooting Jen a half-challenging, half-amused, mischievous look momentarily around the side of Tilly's easel. Jen immediately dropped her gaze to concentrate on the sweeping motions of Adam's hand as he moved the paint-laden spatula across the middle of his canvas... But she couldn't help herself: she looked up again, seconds later.

This time, Angel was purposefully not looking at Jen at all; instead, she seemed wholly focused on Tilly and Tilly's technique - but to the point of holding her hand which held the spatula and masterfully guiding it across her canvas in jagged, jarring arcs. As Jen half-watched (she was still pretending her whole attention was on helping Adam), Angel guided Tilly's hand with even more expression and power - so that the paint was being slapped on with such energy it splattered small specks all over the two of them, but Tilly in particular, who instinctively jumped away, with a tiny shriek, to try to dodge them, which made Angel and the girl beside her, Rebecca, laugh out a loud guffaw at the comedy of the moment and turn everyone's head their way.

Then it was as if, once Angel knew she had everyone's attention, she took things just that little bit further, without acknowledging that she now had an audience... She leaned in closer to Tilly and laughing lightly, innocently, wiped the paint drops from Tilly's face with the gentle tenderness of a lover about to move-in for a lingering kiss. It was the briefest of moments but it was powerful nonetheless: there was an audible intake of breath from the room - from the male students in particular - and a sudden tension of erotic anticipation.

Jen's heart screamed inside her. Her blood boiled and she wanted to commit murder - or so it felt! Hating herself for being the first to break the stalemate silence between them, she tried to make her voice light and cheerful when she called across the room: "Are you ok over there?"

Angel was still laughing and made sure that Jen could see how much she was enjoying herself, and Jen could see that it was at Tilly's expense because she was standing back now, beetroot red behind her adorable freckles, looking decidedly uncomfortable. Yet Angel was still standing too closely inside her personal space, pretending she was unaware of that fact.

Jen hated seeing Tilly look so awkward and knowing how much she was being manipulated. Before she was even aware of it, her feet had taken her over there to stand beside Tilly in a secret stand of solidarity against Angel, under the guise of being the supportive teacher who was taking a light-hearted, healthy interest in a student's work. She made sure that she was smiling at the comical paint spraying incident but also made sure that she looked suitably watchful at a colleague's need to touch a student's face, as if it meant that something must be wrong and Tilly needed to be checked that she was ok. The look in Angel's eyes was gleeful again and was just there for Jen's benefit: she wanted Jen to feel that she'd been played and manipulated once again.

Jen was livid with her.

The air crackled once again between them; this time, even the students began to pick up on it: the two students closest by, Rebecca and Esther in particular feeling very tense and uncomfortable.

And then to make matters worse Tilly tripped - at least, that's how it _appeared_ - although Jen did notice Angel's right foot moving back as if it had been out of its natural position somehow. But whatever the cause, Tilly tripped and fell hard - right into Jen, pushing her back suddenly with the full force of her falling, grasping body, mid-flight, completely out of control.

The full force of Tilly was too much, even for Jen, considering that it took her completely by surprise, and it made her stumble backwards until she landed, thankfully still standing, with a hard thump against one of the bigger, sturdier easels. Tilly's body moved and stumbled with hers until it landed with a hard push against her, a full-frontal impact, face-to-face... Tilly's head knocked into Jen's breast-bone, while her instinctively outstretched hands ended up pushing against Jen's shoulders... _Thank goodness they hadn't landed on her breasts!_ both of them thought in a matter of seconds... But it wasn't over...

"Are you ok?" Jen asked in a half-whisper, concerned. Their faces were just inches away. Jen studied her face for signs of hurt, trying not to linger too long on her enticing lips, knowing they were being watched. Tilly looked up into her chocolatey-hazel eyes, wanting to drown there, and muttered a breathless "Yes I think so"...and then the easel gave way behind Jen's back and completely collapsed beneath their combined weight, throwing them both to the floor with a shocking, heavy smash!

That second fall seemed to happen in slow motion. The surrounding students knew it was about to happen, could see the easel start to buckle, but everything moved so slowly, including their helping hands, so they didn't reach them in time and could only stand and watch helplessly as they crashed to the floor, instinctively holding onto each other, amid a dust cloud of flying splinters and broken wood.

Both were dazed. In fact, for a few moments Jen was knocked-out cold; a slack look to her face... When Tilly came round almost immediately, shaking her head with a horrible headache, and looked down at Jen's beautiful, slack face beneath her she panicked, completely forgetting herself: "Jen? Jen? Jen?" she cried out in shocked whispers, scared and heart-broken.

Luckily, just as something began to dawn on the faces of the students closest by, who were the only ones to hear Tilly call Miss Gilmore by her own name (which seemed oddly revealing somehow and reminded two of them of a rumour they'd heard, months ago now), Esther came to her rescue: she squatted down and leaned over Tilly, to shield her face from the others so they couldn't see how intensely upset she was at Jen's state, and asked her loudly if she and _Miss Gilmore_ (she said her name with emphasis) were okay. It was enough to make Tilly remember herself, and when she continued trying to rouse Jen she remembered to use her more formal title: "Miss Gilmore? Miss? Are you ok?"

Watching, Angel was torn between feelings of jealous satisfaction and shock - she hadn't meant for _this _to happen and for Jen to seem so hurt - but then she suddenly saw the expression on the red-head's face for her, even though it was only there briefly before she remembered herself and hid it again from everyone, and seeing that look was excrutiating. It was proof enough to her that what Jen had found with this girl was deeper and more powerful than she had ever realised; perhaps stronger even than what she remembered ever having with Jen herself. And she couldn't bear it. So she did the only thing she could: she tried to destroy it again. She took control over the situation and sent two of the students to get Mr Keeler immediately. She was _determined_ to make him see the truth between them!

In the meantime, hidden by Esther's close body position of concern, Tilly was gently shaking Jen's shoulder and once - again forgetting herself until Esther nudged her - she stroked the side of her face lovingly, urging her to wake up. Angel was the only other person to witness this private sign of affection, because of where she was standing on the other side from Esther, and it made her heart burn with even stronger hatred - if that was possible. But Esther was the only one who was able to hear Tilly's breathless whispers to Jen, pleading her to wake up and come back to life and come back to _her_...

It was Tilly's touch against her face that did it. Slowly, very slowly, Jen's eyes began to flutter open until she was looking up - at the ceiling first, trying to gauge her bearings, and then at Tilly. She immediately smiled up at her... a lazy, secretive smile, which lingered lovingly on her lips as it would always do whenever they were alone together being affectionate. And Tilly saw with a jolt that Jen didn't have the faintest idea where she was or who was watching. It was a good job that Jen's voice was faint and husky after the fall and concussion; it meant that, once again, it was only Esther who could be sure enough of hearing what she said and how she said it as she spoke to her student lover, who was still awkwardly positioned on top of her:

"Hey you, this is a nice surprise." Jen smiled again at her lovingly as she spoke the words in an emotional murmur. "I've missed you. I thought -" then she stopped as Tilly froze, her heart thudding; absolutely certain that everyone in the room had just heard that. Jen saw the look of blatant fear in Tilly's face and looked up at her quizzically, stopping short of stroking her arms affectionately, suddenly aware that Tilly lying on top of her was unusually sore and painful and was not quite what it seemed.

She began to look around her then and saw Angel's look of jealous fury where she was standing towering above her, just to her right, and then Esther's close-up expression of surprised concern, immediately to her left. She looked again into Tilly's eyes and suddenly remembered what had happened and where she was, blushing with the exposed honesty she'd just shown for Tilly in the dangerous classroom situation.

And that's when the pain burst through.

She was suddenly acutely aware of a sharp, shooting, throbbing pain all over her back which felt like it was on fire, and a sore, dull ache beginning across her breast bone and collar bone combined.

And then she saw the blood.

It seemed to be coming from two places: one was from her hand which she had lifted up to brush Tilly's fringe out of her tilted face as it looked down closely at her, and the other was from the side of Tilly's face, from what appeared to be a gaping cut just by her left temple. It looked bad. She could almost see bone, she thought, and Tilly looked unhealthily pale, as though she was about to faint.

A feeling of protectiveness overcame her and she momentarily forgot her own pain and struggled to sit up, to try to help up her younger lover. But that was a mistake. No sooner had she struggled upright than a sharp intake of breath came from the students standing staring behind her, followed by Bart's slow voice:

"Wooh, Miss, your back's a right mess! Look at all the blood guys! _That's_ gotta hurt like hell!"

It was at that moment that Keeler rushed into the room, closely followed by Jayne, or 'Miss Hughes' as the students knew her: the new English language tutor, who had just happened to be having a meeting with Keeler at the time it was interrupted by the emergency messengers.

Both of them were faced with a scene of devastation: Jen was barely sitting upright on the floor surrounded by a circle of splintered wood with blood beginning to pool around her right hand side and cuts across her face and arms and a nasty bruise starting to appear on the top of her chest and spreading up to her collar bone. And one of the students, Tilly Evans, was sitting immediately to the side of her with her feet touching Jen's, beside another student, Esther, who had her arm around her shoulder, having seemingly just helped lift her up off Jen and drag her to the side. And Jen wasn't the only one covered in blood: Tilly had a nasty looking gash to the side of her forehead with a steady stream of blood pouring from it, down her left side and onto her shoulder and down her top. Both of them looked dazed and fearful and very, very pale; almost on the verge of fainting.

"What on _earth_ has happened here?" Keeler demanded, surveying the damage and quickly adding "Are you all right Miss Gilmore? Tilly?" Both nodded vaguely, clearly shaken up.

"Sir, you should come and look at this" Bart said from across the room to the principal and pointed at Jen's back. Keeler and Jayne walked around the devastation to look behind Jen and immediately gasped. Jen's top was torn all over, so it seemed, revealing strips of bloody skin which seemed covered in large chunks of broken-off wood which were embedded there, penetrating the skin's surface which was leaking blood from the many wounds. There was even a twisted nail protruding from the top of her back on the right hand side just above her shoulder blade. And the blood was still coming. Even Angel held her breath as she looked at the bloodied mess that was the sight of Jen's back and felt a momentary flash of concern (though it was over quickly). It was no wonder Jen had blacked out, or looked so very pale!

"Miss Hughes, call for an ambulance straight away please," Keeler took charge immediately, "and as for the rest of you, today's lesson is cancelled. Please spend the time in private study in the library. I will probably be speaking to some of you about what happened too, so don't be surprised. _You_ seem to have been close to the action, Esther, so please wait behind with us. I'll speak to you now. Thankyou everyone. Off you go."

But Angel didn't miss a trick, and wasn't going to miss this opportunity: "Erm, _actually_ Mr Keeler,_ I _can tell you everything you need to know about this - er - _situation_ between Miss Gilmore and her student," Angel butted-in before anyone had chance to move away and follow his instructions, apart from Jayne who had immediately disappeared to phone for an ambulance. "I don't think there'll be _any_ need to call upon the students and _disrupt_ any more of their study time with_ this_..." she continued. Esther looked at her quizzically while Keeler nodded his head in instant belief and agreement and both Jen and Tilly suddenly seemed to look even paler than they already did.

"Well thank you Miss Stirling, that would be most helpful, thank you. Well, it looks as though you are somewhat off the hook everyone, and you Esther. So go now please and get on with using the time productively with your studies please all of you. Off you go."

Esther took one brief look at Angel and another at her friend and seemed to come to a sudden decision, speaking out across the room with confidence: "Excuse me Mr Keeler, but I was very well-placed to see everything -" She was very forthright and determined that she be given the opportunity to state her case as she saw it. She was immediately supported by Tilly, who nodded and spoke for the first time then too:

"Yes sir, Esther was right next to me when I tripped and fell into Miss Gilmore. I think she'll have had a much clearer view of everything than Miss Stirling did."

"Very well then Esther, stay behind with us while we wait for the ambulance please. Now, everyone, off you go I say." Keeler insisted.

Angel kept her annoyance in check: this wasn't exactly going to plan at all! Especially when Esther then began with a straightforward, believeable explanation of it being a simple accidental fall which had turned-out more serious than anything anyone could have anticipated... Especially when she spoke so earnestly... It completely took the power out of her planned assertion of events in which she would have told everyone _her_ version of what happened - with just the right amount of suggestion to allude to some sort of unusual and illegal connection between the student and her tutor...

She inwardly frowned, yet again, when Keeler turned to her and thanked her for her input but said it didn't seem as though it would be necessary after all - unless she could add to Esther's account or disagreed with it in any way. But with Bart still hanging around, taking his time to leave and agreeing whole-heartedly with Esther's account as he passed beside her, it seemed suddenly impossible to manipulate away from the truth as she would have liked. And in any case, it was clear that Keeler just wanted to get Jen and Tilly away to hospital as soon as possible so that they could be properly checked out and attended to. He was more distracted by this than by sifting through the details of what outwardly seemed to be a straightforward accident. He was particularly shocked by the state Jen was in.

Angel could see she was going to have to bide her time: now, this minute, was not her time to plant the seed of rumoured doubt about Jen and Tilly's relationship and watch it take root...

Nevermind, there'd be _lots_ of opportunities to do that once Jen was out of the way recuperating in hospital, which by the look of her back could well be months!

Keeler was busy speaking to the Head of the Art Faculty, Mr Atkins, who had also been called to the scene, and Jayne had returned to say the ambulance was on its way, and then she sat down beside Esther and Tilly, talking to both girls in more depth to try to assertain how a simple trip up and fall could have caused such a bad injury to Jen in particular, while Jen kept feeling dizzy and looking paler and paler and Jayne kept stroking her hand for reassurance.

Angel felt, suddenly, like a spare part, and was partly relieved, partly resigned, when Keeler then turned to her and thanked her for her time but said she was free to leave and take the rest of the day off from Jen's classes but was more than welcome to participate in Mr Atkins' lessons instead.

She nodded sweetly her agreement to that invitation and walked around the splintered accident scene in the room on her way to meet Mr Atkins at the door, just in time to witness a furtive, secretive, look of deeply felt concern and longing pass between Tilly and Jen.

Fuming, she left the room with Mr Atkins, who was talking animatedly to her about the planned lessons for the day ahead. She was only half-listening though; her jealous, hateful, dangerous mind was already plotting...


	39. Chapter 39

Chapter 39

"Thank you Esther," Jen said quietly as she was helped to hobble painfully past on her way out to the waiting ambulance. She had insisted on trying to walk rather than be stretchered out, partly because of the fighting instinct so strong in her and partly because it hurt like a bitch to lie flat on her back, or even her side. She knew it must be serious by the whispered reactions everyone was giving whenever they looked at her back, stunned.

Esther nodded a polite smile at her. Both of them knew that Jen's gratitude was for more than just pulling Tilly off her and helping to comfort her and being helpful to Keeler afterwards.

With Jen moving slowly but steadily out of the room and down the stairs, Tilly, already with a well-bandaged head, also took the brief opportunity to speak to her while she waited to be helped downstairs too: "Thanks Esther, thanks for - everything."

"That's ok Tils," Esther replied quietly with understanding in her eyes, not judging.

"The thing is -" Tilly continued, but Esther interrupted her:

"Ssh. Don't worry. Really. If you ever want to talk about it I'm here for you, and I'm a good listener."

"I know, thanks"

"If anything, I'd say you're very lucky to have someone like that care about you so much - it's obvious - the way she talks to you, looks at you - I understand why you'd want to protect that, especially since..."

She broke off as Jayne passed by, organising two students in cleaning up the bloodied, broken mess all over the floor. Tilly blushed at Esther's words about Jen's obvious love for her and looked at the floor.

"...But from what I've seen today, Tilly, you'd better watch that new teacher - Miss Stirling is it? I hate to say it, but she's really got it in for you, and I'm sure she knows... and I'm sorry to say it, but I'm sure she caused all - this."

Tilly looked at her in mild shock, catching hold of her elbow. Yes, Angel was capable of many things, she already knew that, but _this_? _Really_? That was a worry! Esther was talking again:

"All I'm saying is, be careful... both of you... And Tilly, like I said, if you ever need to talk... you know?..."

Tilly smiled warmly at her. Esther really was a good friend.

Just then one of the paramedics returned for Tilly. She gestured another thankyou to Esther as she was ushered carefully outside and Esther turned back to help the two girls in the clean-up operation.

The ambulance ride was like an echoed memory of the last time they were together in an ambulance, when Tilly had been rescued from the college fire. Once again, the two of them spent the entire time gazing at each other, concerned and wanting to speak their hearts and reach out to each other, and once again, they couldn't because of the assisting paramedic seated next to them, and because Keeler would be following soon in his car to help check them in before returning to the normality of the rest of the college day.

The formalities and medical procedures went smoothly and swiftly; everyone being typically expert and efficient at their jobs, and it was easy for the two lovers to adopt their socially acceptable roles of separate student and teacher.

Both were seen immediately: Jen, because of the severity of her injuries and Tilly, because of the protocol of treating all head injuries as dangerous potential risks of further brain-functioning problems... But Jen took a lot longer to be seen to: there were many, many lacerations and embedded, bleeding splinters to be removed safely and attended to and the morphine she was given straight away also sent her into an immediate deep doze, so that even when Tilly had been patched up and x-rayed and fully examined to the doctors' satisfaction and was able to get away to peer through the corridor window into the room Jen was taken to, even then, all she saw was the beautiful, outstretched vision of her amazing, breathtaking lover, lying there fast asleep.

A sudden remembered image drifted into her mind, of the Disney cartoon of Snow White lying there in her glass coffin surrounded by the dwarves... and she smiled to herself because she knew that _she _was Jen's prince charming who could break the spell and wake her with a kiss...

Just then Keeler caught up with Tilly and, seeing her looking at the sleeping figure of his colleague, sought to reassure her that Miss Gilmore would be fine, if just a little shaken. Then he turned to her and told her that he'd phoned her parents to explain and come and collect her but had had to leave an answerphone message and did she have an alternative number they could be contacted on? Realising she had a chance to see Jen, Tilly told him that she'd call her mother's mobile number in the next half hour when she was more likely to be starting an early lunch break at work, reassuring Keeler that she was absolutely fine and really just wanted to wait for her mum than go with him now. She reassured him about that again and insisted that she didn't want anyone to sit with her while she waited and would just wait in the hospital cafe and be absolutely fine... and with a concerned smile he left, with the assurance that if Tilly couldn't reach anyone she was to contact the college.

_Now, what was that cartoon image again? _she thought to herself, once she was certain that he'd gone and the coast was clear... She quietly let herself into Jen's room, smiling at the warm, sunlit beauty before her and sat down silently in the corner chair, drinking-in Jen's peaceful beauty. _Like Snow White_...

.

The curtains billowed suddenly as a gentle breeze entered the room through the partly open window. It woke Jen to the sound of faint beeping that was regular and strangely hypnotic. She dozed for a few minutes longer. Wow, she ached all over, but oddly seemed to not be able to feel her back at all. Or her neck. Or her legs - although they might just be numb from too much sleep in the same position - or something like that, she mused. She knew where she was and why almost straight away, although how she'd made it to the hospital was all a bit of a blur, but now she was there she felt quite calm and in safe hands actually. She closed her eyes sleepily again. The medication she'd been administered must be strong, she thought distantly to herself and relaxed more deeply into the bed beneath her.

There was a sudden cough from the near corner of the room. A cough and a quiet voice that she knew now almost as well as her own.

"Jen? Are you awake? Jen? Speak to me, if you can, please. Tell me you're okay."

She opened her eyes and searched the room until she saw her sitting there, looking beautiful as always, with her autumnal, fiery-red hair catching the sunlight from the window as it peeped around the edges of the curtains. She looked even more beautiful, somehow, because of the deeply earnest, worried expression on her face which was focused totally on _her_. It made Jen feel a sudden surge of warmth and love for her.

Tilly got up then and moved to stand beside the bed on Jen's left hand side. She was watchful of the door but seemed reasonably at ease, perhaps because she had already checked and re-checked that the coast was clear...

"Hi" Jen breathed, smiling that slow, lazy, loving smile Tilly loved to see so much. "Yeah I'm okay thanks. Awake too."

"Oh Jen," Tilly muttered, tears filling her rich, emerald eyes which gazed down into Jen's adoringly. "Jen," Tilly repeated, "God, Jen, I'm _so_ glad to see you awake and talking. You don't know how worried I've been. Thought I'd lost you, for a while. I don't know what I would do if -" and she burst into tears, immediately apologising for being so weak and selfish when Jen was the one still in hospital.

Jen reached up to stroke her face gently and hushed her back to calmness. "_Hey_, it's okay Tils, it's okay, I promise. Huh, the lengths I have to go to, to get to be with you again on your own, eh?" she made light of the situation. Tilly smiled through her tears: Jen always knew how to make everything feel better. Jen smiled at seeing Tilly smile. "Thanks for coming to visit me," she added sweetly.

"Huh, just try and stop me!" Tilly replied fiercely.

Jen laughed. "Still my passionate, crusading lover eh?"

"Yep. Still the one and the same."

"Ooh, come here and passionately crusade on my lips will you? I've been dying to kiss you for days, you know!" Jen half-begged, looking up at her with beseeching, warm, chocolate-hazel eyes and then she flashed her one of her most dazzling smiles which seemed to light up the room, and Tilly with it, in its wanton energy.

Tilly instantly leaned over her and drank-in her lips, which were soft and sultry and very, very sexy, and which tasted absolutely glorious - in spite of being asleep in a hospital bed, medicated upto the eyeballs for a while.

Jen softened her mouth even more so that she could taste and explore more of Tilly's; their lips merged together as one; their tongues flicked across each other's and drew sensual swirling patterns along and over and around, and they melted into it together, wanting more and more of each other...

When they finally broke off, they gazed openly, adoringly at each other, touching the other's face lovingly with an intimacy and depth of emotion that both of them felt flow through every fibre. They sighed together, knowing that as much as they both wanted each other - seriously, _seriously_ wanted each other - there was no hope of anything more intimate until Jen was at least back to some semblance of normality. Each time Jen raised an arm to reach out to touch Tilly, stroke her skin, or try to lift up off her pillow to kiss her hungrily, tenderly, she winced from a sudden bolt of burning, shooting pain. And each time she winced an anguished shadow of pain crossed her eyes and her face turned a little paler.

"No. Enough, Jen. Enough! Don't you move...!" Tilly insisted, seeing this and worrying.

"Oh, but - it's - torture!" Jen grumbled, impatient at her body's restrictions, trying again to fight against the pain and lift herself up to reach her mouth up for Tilly's. Oh, how she ached for her!

"Hey_ stop it_! No buts, Jen. I _mean_ it!" Tilly was having none of it.

"Ah, my bossy young lover," Jen replied, sinking back down again in surrender, momentarily relieved by the easing of the pain, "How I _love_ it when you take charge!" she added cheekily, flirting blatantly and flashing her another one of her stunning smiles.

"Oh sod it, here let me -" Tilly succumbed, not bothering to finish her sentence because her need to feel Jen's lips against her own was so insatiable and urgent and intense. She still didn't know how it was possible to have such intensely powerful feelings for someone. She wanted Jen - no, needed her - as if she was the very oxygen she needed to breathe! _This _is what it means to _feel alive_, she thought again for the thousandth time, the instant their lips touched and caressed their loving promise together, as Jen also thought she'd died and gone to heaven...

Perhaps Angel had done them a favour after all, Jen thought distantly, overjoyed that for the moment their expected long separation had been cut short and they'd been given an opportunity for more careful, secretive meetings together ...Although she could've done without the pain, her distant thought grumbled... And then she stopped thinking, and fully immersed herself in the sensations of touching and kissing her adorable red-head, which was the _best_ kind of morphine she'd _ever _known.

.

It was hours later, long after visiting time had finished and Tilly had gone, that Jen realised with a sudden shock what her time in hospital, away from college, might actually mean... It wasn't only the blessing she thought it was, to allow Tilly to sneak in and spend private time with her, no, there was a real danger to it too that she hadn't considered... The realisation hit her full force, when the attending nurse who was cleaning and dressing her wounds chatted amiably to her about the visitors she'd had but had missed because of being asleep on the morphine again. One visitor in particular jarred in her mind, who had arrived last, had lingered past the end of visiting hours and had had to be ushered out...

"Miss Stirling, she said her name was," the nurse was saying, "She was in here quite a while, standing at the bottom of the bed watching you. It was sweet."

.

.

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	40. Chapter 40

Chapter 40

She felt trapped. She _was_ trapped. _Trapped inside this damn bed and trapped inside this damn body_... A body which shot waves of searing, stabbing pain all through her whenever she moved. A body which refused to obey her command; whose arms could only be lifted up so high before the terrible pain shot through again; whose legs were _still_ numb and dead and weighed her down like old, metal anchors embedded in the deapest gulf of the deepest sea.

Even her head felt like a dead-weight most of the time. She tried to resist the morphine, because it made her mind drift in and out rather like a hazy mist which gets thicker every now and then so it can't be looked through... Yes, she kept trying to resist it, but the pain all over her was still far too intense and if she didn't take _some_ pain relief she knew she'd just black out: she had done already, a few times, so the attending nurse kept saying.

She _had_ to get out. She _had_ to get free. Escape. Even though she knew she wasn't well enough to - she couldn't even walk yet, goddammit - and her impatience and urgency at wanting to get better and leave made her imprisonment all the more despairing.

What was she doing?

It was a frequent question which haunted every single waking thought. It even intruded into her dreams and created fearful emotions and dark, lingering, menacing shadows...

What was she doing right _now_?

And what was _SHE_ doing?

Jen's mind bounced between the two women she couldn't stop thinking about: Tilly - her beautiful, adorable, precious lover who enriched her life and loved her and gave her reason to breathe... and Angel - that dark, hateful, vengeful ex who lingered and watched and waited and plotted...

Even heavily sedated, Jen could feel her fear of Angel. It was a cold feeling, like the grip of something icy and nasty and suffocating, which reached through the veins in her body as they pumped with blood and closed like a fist around her heart. She didn't know how, but she was absolutely certain that Angel had deliberately got her out of the way so that she could more easily force Tilly into some sort of cruel submission or make her suffer in some vile way.

She just couldn't shake the feeling.

And the more she felt its coldness creeping up on her, the more she despaired at her imprisonment.

To say that she felt trapped was actually a _complete_ understatement!

.

.

Just then, to her relief, the door opened and she was met with the warm smile of Jayne, her colleague, who had called in to visit on her way home from college. _Good grief! Was it that time already? Really?_ Jen mused, distantly. Where had the day gone - _again_?

"Hi there, how are you feeling?" Jayne said, smiling.

"Oh, you know how it is. Bored rigid. Can't wait to escape..." Jen made light of the depth of her feelings and smiled weakly back. "It's _so_ nice to have someone to talk to. Thanks for stopping by."

"Oh that's okay," she replied, "I wanted to come and see you anyway, and everyone keeps wondering how you are and I said I'd come and report back again. I think you'll probably have some other visitors soon too... Phil seemed very interested in coming to check on you, you may be interested to know -" Jayne added with a wink.

Jen smiled weakly again and sighed. That's _all_ she needed!

"Here, I'll put these in this ok?" Jayne held up the bunch of flowers she'd brought and gestured to the plastic water jug which sat on the cupboard beside Jen's bed. "I thought they might cheer you up a bit in such a drab looking room, inject a bit of colour for you, you know? - cos you are an artist after all, eh?" she laughed lightly as she unwrapped them and started to arrange them.

"Ah thanks Jayne, that's really kind of you," Jen replied warmly, "They really are lovely, thanks."

"Pleasure."

"So... what's happening at work then? What am I missing?"

"Oh, you know, the usual, nothing much. The computers are still down so Joyce is tearing her hair out... Phil's still trying to push Keeler into agreeing to him organising that history trip to Flanders... Someone's broken two of the upstairs windows in the Art department corridor near your room... Oh, and the funniest thing, Janice found a condom in the girls' toilets - you should have seen Margaret's face in morning briefing when that bit of news came out - ha! She nearly dropped down dead in shock! Ah, it was _so_ funny how the wrinklies reacted -"

"And what about my room, my lessons? How's Mark organised all that?" Jen interrupted, wondering how far Angel had already made herself indispensible to Mr Atkins in her absence.

"Oh, now _that's_ a story actually!" Jayne replied, suddenly remembering.

"What?" Jen tried to sit up a bit further, wincing immediately with the pain of it so that Jayne moved across to help her and plumped up her pillows a bit behind where she was leaning against them.

"Well, you'd never think it, but that new woman - you know? That artist Keeler brought in to work with the sixthformers for a bit - what's her name? -"

"Angela Stirling"

"Yes that's right, Stirling - well, turns out she's a lesbian... Davy from ICT came onto her, big-style, on the staff night out last week and she was really condescending to him in front of everyone, so they said, and then she told him what for and was really open about it, saying she wouldn't touch his cock if someone offered her a million... He was really cut up, you know, thought she was really nice - well everyone did - but apparently she was horrible to him -" She broke off at the look on Jen's face. "What? Have I said something? You ok?"

Jen hadn't realised she'd shown her mixture of emotions so obviously on her face - the disgust at hearing about Angel again and her inclusion into the staff social events _already_, but also the disappointment at hearing her friend's jokey, gossipy reaction to being gay, as well as the disorientating feeling that time had passed - a lot of time - far more time, and far more quickly, than she'd realised... _Good god, how many days have I been in here? Are we really talking about a week now? Just how much have I been doped out on morphine?..._

"Jen? Jen? Are you okay?"

"What?" Jen looked up at her vaguely, "Oh, yes, it's okay - er - Jayne? How long have I been in here? It's longer than one or two days, right?"

"Oh my god, is that what you think? Oh Jen, you've been in for nearly two weeks now - you've been so out of it for so many days I don't think you've really noticed. I've been to see you quite a lot actually, but today's the first time you've been awake and conversational - it's _so_ great to see that! -" She broke off and came closer to the bed, leaning on it before continuing.

"- and Keeler's been a lot, and Joyce has popped in, and Carolyn - and the only reason why Phil hasn't been yet is cos I think it means something else to him, something more, and he's maybe a bit embarrassed about it... Oh, and Diane comes regularly, as you'd expect I guess, and even some of your students which is nice - that Matilda Evans particularly has been a few times, I've noticed, with George, and Esther I think her name is - I think she's got a bit of a crush on you actually, between you and me Jen, that Tilly is it? She always looks at you with such... concern... it's sweet really."

Jen looked at her. She couldn't believe time had elapsed so far! And she couldn't believe that Jayne had seen Tilly's emotions for her so clearly...

"Really? You're sure?"

"Yeah, sure. And it's like - that Stirling woman mentioned something in the staffroom the other day too -"

"What?"

"- she said she'd seen that Tilly looking at you loads around college whenever you walked past her on the campus and then again for _ages_ in class before the accident happened. She made a joke about how thrilled she must have been to share a ride with you in the ambulance here..."

"Huh. Bet she did." Jen's face showed her disgust at Angel again. Jayne saw it immediately.

"You really don't like her, do you Jen?"

"Who? Angel?"

"Is that what you call her?"

"That's what she calls herself... No, I don't like her. She's no angel! I don't like her one little bit."

"Hey Jen, it's not because of the whole lesbo thing is it? Cos we're living in the enlightened age now you know, right? I'd have thought you'd be more open-minded about things what with being a creative, bohemian-type artistic woman -"

"Oh Jayne, ha!" Jen couldn't help allowing a broad smile to break across her face.

"What?" Jayne was bemused.

"I'm _so_ pleased you said that. I thought _you_ were sounding like a homophobe for a second when you were telling me the gossip about Angel being a lesbian. God, it's _such_ a relief to find you're not!"

"_Hey_, what do you take me for? I'm not like one of the wrinklies you know! Loads of my friends from uni are gay -"

"Well, here's one more for you then" Jen said decisively, glad to get it out of the way between them.

"What? You too?" Jayne looked surprised, but not at all phased by the news.

"Yep. Sure am. Proud of it too actually. I'm _way_ past feeling like I have to apologise about it or something, like it's something bad or wrong. It's just the way I'm built. And I like it. So there!" she smiled confidently, easily. Jayne looked quite pleased that she'd told her.

"Well good for you honey. I'm pleased for you." Then a sudden look dawned on her face. "Soooo. That hickey Phil and I teased you about? - that was... from a -"

"A woman? Yes, Jayne, that was from a woman! Yes, it's true, I like kissing women. And before you ask, no, you're not my type so don't worry," Jen rolled her eyes and grinned.

"Huh, charming! What's wrong with me eh?" she replied and then laughed, clearly teasing.

"And since we're sharing," Jen continued, wanting to get things off her chest because she knew she needed an ally and she could tell now that Jayne was someone she could really trust, "another reason I absolutely dislike Angel -and you have to _swear_ to me not to tell _anyone_ at college - even Phil -"

"Of course! Oh, poor Phil -"

"Yes, well - I don't like Angel because... I used to _date_ Angel - she's my _ex_." Jen let the news sink in, watching it dawn on Jayne's face before continuing...

"And the reason, the _only_ reason why she's come here and persuaded Keeler to allow her to work here for a while is because of _me_. She wants me back. And that is _not_ going to happen! At all! And she just won't take no for an answer... So. Do me a favour... Anything she says -about me, or any one of my students - Tilly or anyone else - do _not_ believe it please, because she's a blatant_ liar_. Believe me, I _know_!"

"Oh wow Jen, I'm sorry, I didn't realise... Oh wow, so she must've seen your hickey too eh? Bet that made her mad!"

"_Oh_ yes! I'm actually starting to think that _that_ may be why I'm lying here and -"

"What? _Really_? No, surely not!" Jayne was wide-eyed and disbelieveing. But it didn't matter - it was enough for Jen that she had opened up about this to someone other than Diane, and possibly someone who was more broad-minded and supportive and less judgemental... At the very least it was a relief.

"Listen Jayne, I know you're going soon -"

"Yeah, actually I've got to go now hon, sorry I could only pop in -"

"Yes of course, that's fine. Just listen - keep an eye on things for me will you? There's nothing worse than a _seriously_ jealous ex, and she's in my job and in my room and she's with my students, and... if _you_ think Tilly has a crush on me then _she_ sure as hell will too, so she might start up all sorts of trouble for her, or lie about things or - well, you know. So keep an eye for me will you? And come again and keep me posted, yes?"

"Hey, of course hon! Of course I will."

"Thanks Jayne. I really appreciate it."

"It's fine. Totally fine. Just get better and come back to us as soon as you can. I'm missing my fellow-giggler in Keeler's morning briefings. Can't tell you how _boring_ it is without you there. Oh, and I'll let Phil down gently, shall I? Save you the job? Seems like you've got enough on your plate here!"

"Thanks Jayne. And thanks for the flowers, and for coming. If I'm asleep again next time you come you have my permission to slap me awake ok? I don't want to miss any more time than I already have thanks!"

"Ok. I'll enjoy that! Right. Better be off then. See you soon. Take care."

"Yeah. Bye. Thanks."

.

.

Jen still felt trapped. And she still felt fearful about Angel and Tilly, but somehow it didn't seem quite so imprisoning and despairing. Somehow things felt... better. More hopeful. She couldn't_ believe _she'd missed so much time! She couldn't believe she'd missed so many of Tilly's visits. Wow she missed her! _ So _much! She wondered just how often Tilly had been to visit only to find that she'd been completely out of it. She hoped it hadn't upset her too much. She wondered where her mobile was so she could text her... She'd ask the nurse the next time she came on her rounds.

She looked up at the clock. With any luck Tilly would call in soon.

She winced suddenly at a new wave of biting pain. It coursed through her body making her shudder and she reached for the morphine button. _Only a bit. Just a tiny bit... _She wanted to be awake for Tilly. She didn't want to miss a single moment more with her.

.

.

She lay back with a sigh and tried to relax without actually falling asleep...


	41. Chapter 41

Chapter 41

There she lay. Almost in the same pose, it seemed. Her stunning hazel-tinted eyes, which always shone with passion and energy and life, were closed and the expression around them was smooth and still: completely at peace.

Her dark hair, almost black, was fanned out across the white cotton pillow behind her head; wisps of it lying, tousled, across one shoulder - the other shoulder bare where she'd pushed off her gown for making her too hot - and her dark fringe lay still and framed her beautiful peaceful face, with its curvacious, sculpted cheekbones; its strong, aqualine nose and the most sultry, sexy mouth she believed she'd ever seen on a woman. Even her eyebrows and eyelashes,also almost black, seemed thickly luscious and gorgeous, making her want to kiss them and brush her lips against their velvety softness.

Her skin was flawless. In fact, even though she'd been there, sitting in the same place in the corner chair nearest to her, watching her sleep, at exactly the same time the night before, she was _still _hungry to feast her eyes on her again and notice, again, how utterly smooth and soft her skin looked... all over. It was like a pale, satin velvet, which gleemed in the dimmed lighting that shone across her body from the small desk lamp on the little bedside cupboard next to her. The rich shadows it created across her beautiful sleeping body changed, almost fluidly, with the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed in and out in a strong, regular pattern.

It was calming and hypnotic...

She resisted the temptation to reach out and gently smooth the palms of both her hands across that warm expanse of sleeping, satin skin. She resisted the even stronger temptation to kick her shoes off and tiptoe across to her and actually climb into the bed with her, next to her, and wrap her arms around her in a loving embrace.

_The flowers are lovely_, she thought as she scanned across the view of the room, taking in _everything_ and recording it to memory so she could take it out again in her mind later and treasure it when she was in bed by herself.

She yawned and stretched, feeling stiff suddenly at sitting there gazing across at her stunning teacher for so long. She stood up and wandered quietly over to the window to look out at the black night with its twinkling stars plotting out a rich tapestry of patterns for her tired eyes to follow.

"Hey, is that really you?" a slow, soft voice half-whispered across to her, making her turn round straight away, forgetting the stars at once.

She caught her breath at the sight of those wonderful, deep hazel eyes shining up at her expressively in the gentle light. Their lashes kept closing and opening slightly as Jen made more and more effort to wake up properly and look at her, finally believing that this wasn't just another dream.

"Yeah it's me. Hey," Tilly replied, equally quietly, and moved across to her. She kissed her slowly on the cheek, her lips lingering there gently in a whispering caress as she murmured "You ok? How'r you doing?"

Jen closed her eyes again in response and smiled sleepily. "I'm doing amazingly now you're here," she answered, and smiled again. "I've missed you" she said simply.

"I've missed you too," Tilly murmured back.

"Kiss me again. Please?"

"With pleasure," Tilly breathed, her lips already touching Jen's silky skin as she answered her. She moved her arms around her head then, stroking her fingers through the thick dark hair until they came together to rest on either side of Jen's face where they held it there carefully as Tilly moved her relaxed mouth to kiss across every inch of skin until it came to rest on Jen's partly open lips.

Their relaxed lips stroked against each other gently, slowly, again and again and then their kissing became more urgent and both women pressed more closely into each other's kiss. They opened their mouths at the same time and reached in with their silken tongues to taste each other's sweetness; all the time using tongues and lips to explore each other again after so long and enjoying how pliable and succulent their mouths were.

In fact, this gentle, urgent, succulent kissing continued for some time; neither one of them wanted to stop at all.

Then Jen broke away to speak softly up at her. "Mmm _that's_ better. I was forgetting what you taste like. It's lovely. _You're_ lovely, you know. I'm _so_ glad you're here now -"

Tilly interrupted her, moved suddenly by the sight of this amazing, stunning woman beneath her, melting at her touch and telling her how much she meant to her - she kissed her squarely on the mouth and felt Jen's breath stroke her lips as she did so. Both of them shuddered slightly in response.

As Tilly broke off, Jen made a face and murmured to her again, as if in a sigh, "Oh, I _wish_ I could feel you... properly..."

"Well let's try shall we?"

"Huh, I haven't been able to feel anything from below the waist for days now - weeks maybe. I don't know if I should start getting worried or anything. They won't tell me - just keep saying it's the morphine which is dulling my nerve endings down there, rather like it dulls my senses everywhere else..."

Tilly looked down tenderly at the half-anxious, half-resigned, tired expression now lying in Jen's face. She stroked her hair lovingy. "Well like I said, let's see shall we? Do you want to try?"

"Hell yes!" Jen murmured her impatience and hunger. She opened her eyes again and looked searchingly up at her. "I want you. _So, so_ much. Please -"

Tilly smiled warmly and kissed her forehead gently. "Anything for my beautiful, talented Snow White..." she broke off with a smile at Jen's quizzical look and as the older woman opened her mouth to ask her, Tilly touched her finger to Jen's lips and then followed it with another slow, gentle kiss. "Shhh. Close your eyes. Let me."

Jen leaned back then, sinking back more deeply into the bedding beneath her as she felt Tilly's cooler hands reach under the covers and stroke across her arm, her side, her chest and linger playfully on her breast, stroking the palm of her hand over its mound until its tip hardened beneath the fabric of her top.

Then she reached her other hand in under the covers and used both to slowly, deliberately lift up the cotton gown-like top the hospital had provided, taking care not to let it pull along her sides or her back where her wounds were still causing her pain. Jen flinched slightly. Tilly stopped, worried.

"No, no, don't stop, it's fine, I'm fine," Jen whispered urgently, not wanting her to stop for a second.

"You _sure_?"

"Oh yes."

"Ok then. Just relax then. Let me try my best to make you feel good..."

"Mmm, yes please" Jen smiled. She felt amazing, in spite of the occasional sharp shooting of pain through different places in her back. _Sod it. I'm not taking morphine just yet. I want to feel everything!_ she told her body fiercely.

Tilly had managed to push the top up out of the way. She moved both hands back to her pert breasts and rubbed her palms gently against them and then her fingers, tracing powerful patterns around and across them before building up to their peaks where she took each one between her thumb and forefinger and pressed and squeezed, making Jen groan slightly and sink her head further back into the pillow as each one hardened even more.

Then, with a quick, furtive glance up to check the coast was still clear, Tilly bent her head and shoulders neatly under the covers too, surprising Jen by taking a nipple in her mouth and holding it firmly with her lips and gentle teeth while she flashed her tongue across it, back and forth, before sucking it. Jen moaned and fought the urge to arch her back, knowing it would hurt her too much and not wanting this delicious ecstasy to be killed off by any shooting pain. Then Tilly repeated the action on her other nipple. Jen moaned again. Her heart felt as though it was beating right out of her chest!

Tilly moved lower and lower, delighted to find that Jen wasn't wearing any underwear at all. Jen didn't seem able to part her legs for her, but they were rather spaced out anyway and it didn't deter her from gently moving them further for her, and making more room...

Even so, she re-emerged and looked at Jen to check that she was ok. "Tell me if you can feel this ok?" she asked her and watched her face for signs of reaction as her hands stroked along her groin and played swirling patterns through the triangle of hair as she gently felt down between her legs.

She saw Jen's eyes close tighter and her mouth gasp slightly at her touch and knew that all was well after all, and so continued her fingers' playful dance.

They danced all over and under and over again in circular strokes which became quicker and quicker as Tilly gauged their speed and pathway by watching the mesmerising expression change and flicker in Jen's face, feeling her swell and throb and grow wetter and warmer with every stroke... until she felt her thoroughly relax and moved both hands into the centre of her heat, using one to caress her clitoris while the other stroked along her lips and then pushed gently inside, deeper and deeper into the warm liquid centre.

Jen's face was a picture of absolute ecstasy - but she was finding it hard not to writhe around in response to the love-making, Tilly could tell, which was causing her more bouts of pain too - then Tilly thought of something.

"Do you know what I want to do now?" she started speaking to her in whispered murmurs, knowing all too well the power that her explicit words of love had over her; determined to help her orgasm as soon as possible to spare her any more pain. She continued to push and stroke and finger her gentle pattern of love as she spoke to her, making her voice more husky as she went on... "That's right. I want to get under the covers with you, right now, and stroke you, and fuck you with my fingers some more, and then I want to push my head down, right down between your legs where my hands are and I want to open you further with my fingers and kiss you there, right there, and push my warm, wet tongue right inside you, and push it in and out, again and again, until you come..."

"Ahhh-" Jen tried to control her body's orgasm but it was near impossible and against all her efforts she suddenly bucked and arched her back - and promptly screamed!

Tilly's hand shot out of the bed immediately and straightened out the bedding in one swift motion and she rushed to Jen's aid, pushing the button which delivered the morphine straight to her. She stroked her hair and kissed her forehead, quickly checking the doorway as she did so. The whole time she shushed her, trying to calm her, wanting to look after her and make the pain go away. Right now she didn't care who saw her there: Jen was all that mattered...

"Shhh, shhh, it's ok, it's over, it's ok, I'm here, I'm here, ssshhhh, it's fine, everything's fine, you're ok, I've got you, sshhhhhh, I love you, it's ok..." She kept stroking her head gently, lulling her back to sleep.

It seemed to work. She seemed to drift back into a calm doze, a smile on her face which was now flushed and at peace once again.

Tilly sensed it was time to go. She probably had only minutes before someone came to check - she was surprised someone hadn't already rushed in; Jen had been so loud!

She put her coat and scarf back on again, buttoning her scarf deep inside, and picked up her bag from the floor beside the chair. Then she walked back to the top of Jen's bed and stroked her hair once more. "Hey you, I've got to go now. You gonna be ok?" she wasn't expecting a reply, thinking that the morphine had kicked in and made her sleep again, and was about to go when she heard her answer.

"Mmm, I'm going to be just _fine_," Jen murmured back, "_Thankyou_ _- _that was... _wonderful_. Really. _Amazing_. I love you. Come back will you? Tomorrow? -"

Tilly smiled to herself and kissed her lightly on her cheek and stroked across her face tenderly. Before she could reply Jen was already sinking into a deep sleep, her breathing getting deeper and slower until a gentle snore emerged from her exquisite, sultry mouth. Tilly grinned.

She left the room and was down the corridor and round the corner, out of sight, just moments before the nearest nurse on duty called in on Jen to check she was ok and to monitor her recent intake of morphine...

Once outside, she caught a taxi cab from one of the ones lined up and waiting.

She smiled to herself all the way home, remembering the view of the room with her sleeping beauty lying there asleep... _and snoring, ha!_ she thought to herself with a grin, feeling on top of the world.

And all the way back home the windows looked out at the black night with its twinkling stars, plotting out their rich tapestry of patterns for the taxi to follow.

.

.


	42. Chapter 42

Chapter 42

"Ah! It's good of you to join us Tilly - better late than never I suppose!" Angel's voice cut through the air at Tilly as she entered the art room in a rush.

She was only seven minutes late! She'd been held up because on her way out of the house her parents had received some heartbreaking news about one of her aunts who'd died suddenly, unexpectedly, tragically still too young to die, and she'd wanted to wait to find out the details and help out, and hold her mum and cry with her. She could still feel that her eyes were red - from the sudden tears and hurried rubbing.

"Well? Come on then girl! Come and sort yourself out! You're easel's over here." Angel continued to boss, her voice like acid and her cold blue eyes alight with enjoyment at her curtness and control over her. She was clearly enjoying the fact that Mr Atkins had allowed her to take charge of the first part of the lesson today - although the replacement art teacher for Jen, Mr Andrews, was expected at any moment and was also held up for some reason or other.

Tilly walked purposefully across to her easel which was ready and waiting. Her painting was two thirds complete and she was actually ahead of most of the others. She dropped her bag on the floor, removed her coat and went to hang it up behind the door of the cupboard with the others, substituting it for one of the old, paint-splattered men's shirts which were used as aprons when painting. She was about to turn and return to her easel when she felt a cold hand grip her shoulder and a sudden, cold, whispered voice that made her jump and gasp aloud.

Angel's voice was right behind her ear, so close that Tilly could feel her cool breath whip against her bare neck.

"Come now, Tilly, what _would_ Miss Gilmore think of her _star_ pupil - or is it _'Jen' _to you, hmm?" she purred in pure venom. Then she made her voice more business-like and loud enough for the rest of the class to overhear, dropping her vice-like grip in the process as if all was normal, "_Come_ on now, chop _chop_. Time is of the _essence_ Tilly..." and she trailed off, purposefully rolling her eyes heavenwards as if Tilly was the laziest, most childish and annoying student in the world, and then she moved across to help another student with their painting technique, glaring a judgemental, jealous stare at Tilly the whole time.

Tilly tried to relax her tense body by trying to regulate her breathing and make it slower, more even, after the sudden shock of Angel's sudden, silent proximity. She didn't know _how _she made her feel so scared, so vulnerable, but she _did_!

She lowered her head and studied the dusty parquet floor, following her own feet on their way across the room back to her work, feeling the burning sensation of Angel's hateful eyes all over her, never leaving her the whole time, as they followed her journey back to her easel. She felt pinned, somehow; trapped by her eyes and was glad of the safety of the large A2 sized canvas. It was a relief to hide!

She began painting...

Soon enough, she was fully engrossed in the medium and in the challenge of trying to make the human figures in her composition have a strong visual presence even though they were featureless and largely in shadow. She decided to add some occasional highlights to suggest some skeletal and facial features of bone, just in the areas where suggested light fell across them - cheekbones, nose line, side of a jaw, part of a top lip, collarbone, shoulder bone, and so on... As she applied the paint she thought of Jen lying there in bed in her hospital room with the dimmed lamp light caressing the fluid landscape of her body and skin, throwing shadows across it which moved slightly with her steady breathing...

Before she'd even realised, she had already swapped her paintbrush and spatula for her finger, wanting to smooth out the harsher lines of light and contrasting colour to make the surface and contours of each figure more three-dimensional and more striking. She worked closely up against the canvas, smudging and stroking the paint in small, sensual sweeps...

She didn't even hear Angel approach her from the other side of the canvas and circle round to stand just behind her shoulder, an arm-stretch away. She didn't even know she was standing there until, after a few minutes, she pointedly cleared her throat, once again making Tilly gasp and jump in surprised shock.

"Well, well, _well_, just _look_ what we have here..." she said in her acid voice, heavy with sarcasm and something else Tilly couldn't identify. Tilly stepped back in response, suddenly aware of how powerless she felt: she knew she was being bullied and she knew there wasn't much she could do about it either.

It was the first time she'd actually stepped back and looked at her composition as a whole.

She gasped in private horror.

"I wonder who _that_ looks just like... _hmm_?" Angel continued, and then pulled across one of the nearby students, Rachel, to look at it too. "Who do you think that is, hmm?" she pointedly asked her, loudly, so that most of the others looked up from their own easels, interested suddenly.

Tilly felt her face redden again. She wanted the floor to open up and suck her into oblivion. She couldn't believe it! How _could_ she have been so _stupid_?!

The student, Rachel, fidgeted and looked uncomfortable. "I'm not sure Miss... It... erm... It could look a bit like... er... Miss Gilmore?-"

"You're not_ sure_? Not _sure_? How could it be anyone _else_?" Angel replied angrily. Then she turned to Tilly dramatically, to emphasise the moment for her watching audience and asked her coldly "What on _earth_ would make you want to draw Miss Gilmore's portrait into your picture Tilly? _Hmm_? And make it look so... _sensual_?" That last word was heavy with suggestion. All those within earshot suddenly studied their work far more closely, avoiding eye-contact with each other, awkwardly, but still listening - even more attentively.

Tilly's face burned. Her heart stopped. She opened her mouth to speak but no sound came out. She was as shocked as Rachel looked.

_Oh god! Oh no! _

Without being aware of the effect she had been creating, one of the shadowy figures of her composition - the main central one in the foreground which she had been working on with her fingers all that time - now looked like a monotone photograph of Jen in close up: it was so finely detailed. She seemed to be peering out of the canvas - actually coming out of it, because the three-dimensional effect was so, so effective. And the expression on her face was... well...! Sultry? Sexy? Secretive? She was looking with heart-felt longing and love - directly at the viewer.

_That's _why Rachel had been so taken aback.

_That's_ why Tilly just wanted to die: she knew the game was up! _Oh no. Oh Jen. My Jen_... _It's finally over! _

And _that's_ why Angel's sudden anger became more tortured and hateful and made her even _more_ determined to destroy - the _pair_ of them!

"_Right_! _Enough_! This has been going on for_ far _too long!... _You_! -" she pointed at Rachel, "What's your name?"

"Rachel, miss?"

"Rachel, go and get Mr Keeler _immediately _please. And if he's not in, go and get one of the teachers out of the staff room. This has _got_ to be dealt with. _ Now_!"

And with that, Tilly seemed to crumple into herself and burst into tears.


	43. Chapter 43

Chapter 43

The door seemed to swing back too wide on its hinges when it opened, like a yawning, hateful mouth. Miss Hughes entered, a determined look on her face, followed closely by Rachel, who looked very uncomfortable.

"Miss Stirling, what seems to be the problem here?" Jayne asked pointedly.

"Where's Mr Keeler? I wanted to speak to Mr Keeler about this!" Angel replied coldly, suddenly haughty.

"Well that may _be_, Miss Stirling, but Mr Keeler's out for the morning. I'm here instead. So what's the problem?" she repeated and then glanced across at Tilly who she could see looked visibly upset.

Before Angel could find an answer, Jayne spoke out again quietly to Angel, but clearly enough so that all of the nearest students could hear: "Actually Miss Stirling, I forgot to say, Tilly's father phoned to let us know that she might well be emotional today. There's been a family bereavement you see..." Then she raised her voice and continued, "...Tilly, I think you'd better just go and freshen yourself up for a moment, please, ok?"

"Yes Miss," Tilly mumbled, glad of her escape, trying to ignore Angel's murderous look which burned into her as she left them to it. She didn't have to look up and see the determined hatred in Angel's eyes as she passed, to know she was in trouble now. _They_ were in trouble. _This is it,_ she thought, agonised, ready to cry again. _This is it. I'm sorry Jen. I'm so, so sorry..._

She walked out meekly, head bowed. She could still feel the redness in her cheeks and the erratic beating of her heart, as if the whole world was caving in around her. Which it was. She felt dead, actually, inside. Resigned to her fate. And its empty hopelessness pooled in her eyes.

Jayne was taken aback at her depth of emotion, when she saw it, as Tilly approached her on her way through the door. She knew there was more to this than Rachel had said. Much, much more!

She turned to look again at Angel and continued briskly. "And Miss Stirling, can I have a word please? _Outside_?" She stressed this last word as she said it, shooting a warning look across the room at Angel, as if reminding her how unprofessional it was to humiliate and make a scene with a student in front of a class. Then she whispered something to Rachel and turned on her heel, to wait for Angel by the door.

Angel marched out after her, and the two women stood opposite each other in the corridor outside. Jayne was quick to close the door behind them, shutting their words away from eager ears.

"Do you _know_ what this is about? _Hmm_?" Angel started, almost spitting her words out at Jayne as she spoke.

Jayne didn't flinch. She'd met Angel's kind before. "No I don't," she lied. "Why don't you enlighten me?" Her calm, sensible voice was a direct contrast to Angel's - who was beginning to lose control now in her impatience at wanting punishment. Punishment which had been momentarily delayed.

"That... _girl_..." she paused for effect, furious, "...is having an affair with Jennifer Gilmore... her _teacher_! And now, _finally_, I can prove it!"

Jayne looked at her, straight in her eyes. "_That_ is a very _serious_ accusation, Miss Stirling. Very serious indeed. Although I am sure that you feel you have _precise evidence_ to that fact, yes?"

"Yes of course! Just come and see the girl's painting..."

"What, you only have a _painting_ to base this on?"

"Yes but you haven't seen it! And all you have to do is ask her about it and watch her face. She'll tell you it's the truth. She's been found out. It's written all over her face... Here, let me show you. I must show you..."

Angel went to open the door. Jayne stopped her, a fierce look in her eyes, as the sound of Tilly's returning footsteps were suddenly identifiable approaching them down the corridor.

"Now you listen here," Jayne said quietly, firmly. There was steel in her voice. "You are completely and utterly mistaken if you think, for one second, that I am going to allow you to humiliate Tilly Evans in front of her friends any more than you already have done. She is one of our brightest, most intelligent pupils here at Hollyoaks College and one of our hopes for Cambridge. Now it seems clear to me that there is some kind of personality clash or something like that between the two of you -"

Angel started to interrupt, furious again. Jayne ignored the attempt and continued talking.

"- but make no mistake, the college will not look favourably on whatever - _this_ - is, and not with an outside artist who has no teaching experience whatsoever, who should _not_ have been allowed to have so much authority over a class on her own, and who seems to have taken a very strong _personal _dislike to a student. A student who has an_ impeccable _record and a _string _of A stars and absolutely _no_ incidents or complaints lodged against her until yours. And so, because of this situation, for now, I suggest that you take a break, go and have a coffee, and_ I_ shall cover what is left of this lesson."

Angel's face coloured slightly with the intensity of her anger. "Well I have a very real complaint that demands to be heard, Miss Hughes, a very serious concern indeed, and I shall be meeting with Mr Keeler as soon as he returns this afternoon, with all of my evidence, thankyou very much!" and with that, Angel turned abruptly and marched away.

Jayne sighed. She hadn't realised. She'd felt that Jen had been holding out on her a bit in their conversation in the hospital, but she hadn't for one second thought... She wondered what to do.

Just then Tilly appeared around the corner. She looked pale and emotionally drained. Jayne's heart went out to her, and then immediately back to the memory of Jen lying, in pain, in the hospital. Life was cruel, it seemed. Just one look in Tilly's eyes, and Jayne could see that Angel had been telling the truth. But she could also see that there was a purity there, an honesty, heart-felt, in Tilly's emotions for Jen, and with a jolt she realised she'd seen the same depth in Jen's eyes too, fleetingly, when she'd mentioned how often Tilly had been to visit her, before she'd got it under control. Yes. This was love. The purest kind, she was sure. Life was certainly cruel, sometimes.

"Are you ok now Tilly? Gathered yourself together a bit now?" she asked kindly, wanting to ease the pain of Tilly's predicament however she could. It was only a matter of time now before Keeler knew about this.

Tilly nodded silently.

"Listen, I know about the painting, ok? And I know about Miss Stirling's accusation. Is there - anything you want to tell me?" She hated saying it, but knew she had to ask.

Tilly silently shook her head, tears brimming in her eyes. Then, looking up suddenly, she asked: "What's going to happen, Miss Hughes? I mean, what will I have to - What will it mean for - Miss Gilmore?"

Jayne looked down at the honest, mature student in front of her. No, she was no child, she could see that just by looking at her. She had a calmness, a wisdom about her. No, there was no way that she had been manipulated or coerced or anything, which the law might try to prove if it came to that. She felt guilty even considering it, knowing Jen as well as she felt she did... She looked right into Tilly's clear emerald eyes and saw only honesty and openness and a willingness to do the right thing. And then she made a silent decision.

"Well that depends on a lot of things Tilly. Remember it's just an accusation at this stage - one person's opinion - against yours and Miss Gilmores, I suppose. But it needs proof, evidence, to give it any serious weight. Doesn't it? Yes, I'm sure you will be asked to see Mr Keeler - don't worry, I shall make sure that I'm there too - it won't be a case of just you in a room with Miss Stirling and Mr Keeler, I can promise you that. And in the meantime I will take it upon myself to speak to Miss Gilmore, on behalf of Mr Keeler, since she is incapacitated in hospital still..."

She paused, to allow time for Tilly to calm down a bit more and start to see a way through her emotions, before continuing...

"Think about it Tilly. At the end of the day it's just your word against hers isn't it? And I don't know if there's any truth in it or not. That's not for me to say. But what I do know? If I was in your shoes, I would NOT allow THAT woman, who is so clearly against you, to pull me down without a fight. Do you know what I'm saying Tilly? Just think, carefully, about what you say. To everyone. Ok? And then maybe we can sort this out quickly and quietly without heads rolling or parents getting angry..."

She trailed off again, seeing Tilly wipe away tears again at the mention of parents. "Look. Go and get yourself sorted. I'll tell your teachers how you're not well enough to face this afternoon's lessons. It'll be fine. Just take some time to sort your head out ok? Go get some sleep."

She smiled then - a gentle, understanding smile - as Tilly moved towards the door of the classroom to go and get her bag.

"No it's ok, I'll get it for you. Just wait there," she said and entered the art room while Tilly waited outside.

"Er, Esther, would you be kind enough to gather Tilly's things, and your own, and go and be with her and make sure she's ok? Just until she goes home. I think she'll be going soon. Is that all right?"

"Yes miss."

"Thanks Esther," Jayne replied and walked to the door to tell Tilly as much, encouraging her once more with a kind smile, before returning to the front of the room again, in the full attention of the class, as Esther passed her on her way out and shut the door behind her.

As soon as the door was shut, Jayne addressed the class: "And as for the rest of you, well, what a show you've seen this lesson, eh?" She immediately attended to the inquisitive students in front of her. _Damage limitation_, she thought to herself as she continued... "Need I remind you all that we are _all_ adults here, and as such, we are all_ far _too _mature_ and _grown-up _to be starting, or spreading, any gossip about Tilly today? At _all_! Is that _clear_? She is emotional today because she has had a family bereavement - a fact that Miss Stirling knew _nothing_ about and so has clearly jumped to her own conclusions. Ok? _ I _shall be with you now until the end of the lesson. So. Come on then, show's over, let's get on shall we? We've all got lots to do."

She sat at Jen's desk at the front with her own pile of coursework which needed her attention. As she reached into her bag for a pen she looked across at the lone easel which held Tilly's canvas. It now had a dust sheet over it, where Rachel had covered it at Jayne's request.

Hmm. What should she do? She wondered, as she tried her best to concentrate on the work in front of her. And the more she thought about it, the more that silent decision she'd made just minutes before, while talking to Tilly, seemed to be the best thing to do.

For everyone.

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	44. Chapter 44

Chapter 44

As it turned out, things all happened in a blur.

No sooner was it the end of the lesson that Jayne found herself hurrying down to the main office to catch Joyce before she was inundated with administration jobs and enquiring students who tended to call there between lessons.

And of course, Angel was there already, waiting. Her steely gaze scorched into Jayne as soon as she saw her, her head raised almost imperceptibly in defiance. Oh yes, Angel most definitely meant business: _she_ was on a mission.

Without hesitation Jayne went to the desk and scribbled something on a slip of paper and passed it to Joyce, who glanced across at Angel and nodded slighty. Then Jayne turned and left, smiling briefly in politeness as she moved, leaving Angel still staring at her, burning her gaze into her back as she walked away.

She returned swiftly to the empty art room, closing the door softly behind her and leaned her back against it momentarily as she looked across to the covered canvas. She hesitated, and then forced herself to approach it, slowly lifting the corner of the dust sheet when she got there and throwing it back to reveal the swathes of smudged paint still drying beneath.

And there it was. For all to see.

Jen's hazel eyes, painted with such gentleness and focus, were shining back at her, as if they were glistening with soulful, longing tears; their reflected light made them look real and gave them an expression of loving surrender and another expression within that - of asking for something - asking to be loved back...

No, there was no doubt. The maturity of understanding that Tilly was showing here left no room for doubt that she was painting something that she knew about. No seventeen year old was _that_ worldly-wise. Even the contours of Jen's face, as they lay there in half-silhouette, were expressive and intimately detailed, painted with a tenderness that the broader painting lacked; their detail again clearly showed that the artist was painting a private landscape they knew intimately well.

Jayne didn't know how she felt. She didn't know whether to be shocked or saddened or... what? She didn't know if she was shocked because of Tilly's young age - some would say too young to be getting so physically involved with someone - or because of Tilly being Jen's student in the first place... In fact, she _really_ didn't know how she felt about that! Jen always showed such integrity! In _everything_ she did. She wasn't just fun to be around; she was honest and conscientious and diligent and trustworthy; she had _real_ morals and would help_ anyone_, no matter what; she _really_ wanted to make a difference to the world - she was a good, decent human being. One in a million...

So how could Jayne explain this... this... apparent lack of integrity regarding her position of responsibility? Jayne knew she really needed to speak to her. She needed to see her face when she challenged her with it. If nothing else, she needed to know that what she was about to do was the right thing...

But life is often cruel in little ways, and time is far shorter than we think, and sure enough, at least two hours sooner than expected, the paint-speckled black rotary phone in the corner of the art room suddenly rang out its shrill song. Jayne jumped. Until then she hadn't realised that she'd been staring, rapt, at Tilly's painting of Jen, while her heart turned somersaults over the conflict within her.

No! It was too soon! She wasn't ready! She hadn't had chance to see Jen first... Was she right about doing this...? What the _hell _was she going to do...?

She gritted her teeth, suddenly prepared to trust her first instincts which had never been wrong, and took the call. Yes, it was Joyce. Keeler was already back in his office, waiting to see her.

She knew she had to move quickly. And the canvases were so cumbersome...

.

.

All was quiet in the waiting area at the college reception as Jayne walked directly to Keeler's office. She could feel the weight of the covered canvas she was carrying dragging her down, getting heavier with every step, and wondered distantly if Joyce was aware of that too. But the older woman was busy at her desk, head down, eyes focused on student data sheets in front of her from behind thick glasses and was completely unaware of anything else. She didn't look up until Jayne knocked on Keeler's door, when she smiled and nodded again briefly at Jayne before resuming her latest task.

"Come in." Keeler's voice was brusque and business-like.

She opened the door, taking great care not to knock the canvas against it as she entered.

Keeler was already looking at her expectantly from behind his desk, piles of paperwork in front of him awaiting his attention. "Oh hello Jayne, please, sit down," he continued. "Joyce said that you'd asked to see me as soon as possible. Apparently something to do with Miss Stirling, am I right? I know that she, too, has made an appointment." He leaned forward in his chair and pressed the fingers on each hand together to make an archway. "So. Tell me what this is all about..."

Jayne perched on the edge of the chair directly in front of him. "Well John, it's very... delicate really," she hesitated, suddenly lost for words.

"Go on, take your time," Keeler replied with some sympathy and relaxed his body posture slightly. Jayne took that as a good sign.

"I have reason to believe that Angela Stirling is going to try to make a very serious accusation about a teacher here -" she began, but was cut off immediately by Keeler.

"Who? You?"

"- er, no John. Jen. Jen Gilmore." She paused for breath, nervous, suddenly, because hearing herself actually saying it seemed to make it all the more real somehow.

"Jen?" Keeler looked dumbfounded. "Why _Jen_? What on earth is this about Jayne? Come on! Out with it." His tone had returned to being brisk, as if he was preparing to distance himself from whatever this ended up being about. Jayne frowned without realising.

"It's a bit awkward really. Angela's been making all sorts of inappropriate comments to the effect that there's something going on between Jen and one of her students..." she trailed off, waiting to see his reaction. It was, as expected, very grave indeed.

"What on earth -? Jen wouldn't do anything like that! _Would_ she?" He searched Jayne's eyes for an answer, clearly shocked to the core. "Well you two spend a lot of time together Jayne. If anyone on the staff was to know about it I'd expect it to be you. So what do_ you_ think? _Is_ Jen having a relationship with one of her students? ...Because if she is, this is very _serious_ indeed. Very, _very_ serious! And if she's not, then it sounds as though it's Miss Stirling who has some serious behaviour to be held accountable for! Especially considering she's only a visiting volunteer here... Well?"

Jayne could feel herself crossing her fingers inwardly in some way as she answered him. "Honestly? Everything I know about Jen is good, and innocent, and moral, John. She is, by far, one of the hardest-working, most caring, considerate people I know here, and she really cares about her teaching - about really helping her students, making a difference to them, helping them steer their way to a more productive future - and she cares about it so much that I simply cannot, no, I _don't_ believe that she would, in any way, jeopardise that - for her students, or for herself."

Keeler sat, deep in thought, listening very carefully and watching her reaction very closely the whole time that she spoke.

She continued: "One thing that I do know for certain, because I've actually witnessed it for myself, is that Angela has taken a very strong and personal dislike to the particular student she's accusing of having the affair with Jen -"

"I see. And who is that? Let me see... Ben Jacobs? Josh Eddinson? I know those two boys have a soft spot for her -"

"It's Tilly Evans."

Keeler nearly fell off his chair. It took a moment for him to collect himself and stop his jaw reflexing in the open-close-open movement of a fish gasping for air. For a fleeting second Jayne even felt sorry for him.

"But how -? Surely not! Surely Jen isn't -?"

"I really don't know," Jayne lied, convincingly she thought, hating every minute of it, "And even if I did I really don't think that Jen's sexual orientation is any business of anyone's but hers. Do you?" she paused, pointedly, and almost glared at Keeler, who nodded his head slightly in response. "Personally, I think the issue here is actually more about Angela and Tilly than it is about Tilly and Jen, who, yes I'm_ sure,_ wouldn't allow anything of the sort to start up or develop. In my opinion, John, _that's_ what I think." Some part of her knew that she was trying to convince herself of that as much as Keeler.

The two of them sat for a minute and then Jayne added: "And in any case, Jen has spent the majority of the time completely out of things at the hospital, so I don't see how - I mean, yes, Tilly's been to visit her a few times, but then she is a considerate student and she does like Jen, I don't doubt that, but I think she'd probably be like that with most people. And I absolutely do not believe that Jen would ever actively encourage anything to develop between them anyway, even if Tilly did harbour a slight crush. Jen's a good teacher, John. This job matters to her. Really."

Keeler sat back in his chair thoughtfully. It was clear that he was thinking of his options and how to proceed. Then a thought occurred and he sat forward once more, this time to ask: "Tell me more about this situation between Angela and Tilly then."

Jayne didn't hesitate to recount exactly the sort of bullying behaviour she had witnessed Angel using against Tilly in front of the rest of the class. The hateful looks; the put downs and unfair, repeated, snide remarks and criticisms; the frequent encroaching into her personal space and looking over her shoulder at her work... The way she'd also used other students, like Rachel, to agree with her, perhaps through the sheer force of her personality or demeanour, and the way she'd seemed to actively play to the gallery of watching students in the rest of the class, usually at Tilly's expense... Each time Jayne stated her case she gave a specific example to prove her point, ready to name students who she said could agree with her. Keeler looked convinced...

But then there was a loud rap on the door, with Joyce's sudden frustrated voice in the background, and without waiting for an answer Angel herself swept into the room, eyes blazing in fury.

"Well this is _very_ cosy isn't it Miss Hughes?" she said to Jayne with venom. Then she turned and without hesitation or apology directed the rest of her speech at Keeler: "I'm _sure_ you've already just heard one side of things Mr Keeler, but I assure you that there is more than _one_ side here hmm? And this is, after all, _such_ a _serious_ matter - " She deliberately paused then, for dramatic effect, emphasising the severity of the consequences of what they were already talking about. The implication was clear: why would she even dare to make such an accusation, if it was so serious, if there wasn't even a grain of truth in it...

She held her unflinching stare at Keeler, who sat there looking back at her, instantly angry at the uninvited intrusion on a confidential meeting with a colleague. Before he could answer she caught sight of the covered canvas which Jayne had propped up against the wall at the back of the room when she had first gone to sit down.

"_Ah_. _Now._ I've been looking for _that_ everywhere! _That_ will set the record straight! And _then_ you can call in the red-head and start proceedings..."

Without hesitating, she glided across to the canvas and whipped the covering sheet from over it. And gasped, her smug face suddenly a mixture of contorted emotion.

Jayne looked on, her heart in her throat, knowing instantly that she'd done the right thing after all.

But this was just the start.

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	45. Chapter 45

Chapter 45

Angel's face was purple with fury: all the jealous hurt inside her had built itself into a terrible, explosive rage the likes of which she'd never known before. She could understand now, finally, how it was possible for people to commit murder under the label of 'crime of passion'. Because she wanted to spill Tilly's blood. Damn it, she really, _really_ wanted to see her suffer.

How _dare_ she take Jen's love like that! How damn well _dare_ she! And Angel _knew_ it was love. The passionate, life or death kind. She'd seen it in Jen's eyes enough times when she'd caught her looking at the red-head. Hell, she'd seen it in the damn painting! And that had _crucified_ her; made her want to smash it... and smash _her_... _break_ her weak and feeble bones... into tiny, tiny pieces. God, how _dare_ she!...

.

But _this_... What the _hell_ was this? _This_ wasn't it! _This_ wasn't the damn bloody painting!

.

"Where the _hell_ is it?" Angel whipped round to snarl at Jayne, who flinched despite herself, at the depth of Angel's hatred and her proximity - as she stood, her face suddenly close up to Jayne's, their noses barely an inch apart.

"_Where_ is it?" she snapped again.

Jayne held her nerve, as hard as it was because Angel's forcefulness was so overpowering, and she held her gaze, staring back at her with a controlled, level look. She didn't breathe a word - perhaps because she didn't actually trust herself with what might come out. Her heart was beating right through her chest. Her determination at not being forced to respond and commit an answer by Angel only seemed possible to maintain if she focused her attention on a tiny part of Angel's face: a tiny, tiny mole just above her top lip, which sat there like some kind of homage to Madonna or something. Jayne was trying to allow her mind to wander away like that while she stared at Angel, either in her eyes, which were pools of hateful, furious hell-fire, or at that tiny, tiny mole... but it was making her eyes hurt now. She didn't know how much longer she could take it...

_Never before_ had Angel _ever_ lost her cool. But she did then. She wasn't used to not getting her own way or not being able to control people. And she most certainly wasn't used to someone right in front of her like this not reacting to her at all and keeping their own council, even when she was throwing everything in her arsenal of influential power at them. Who the hell was this woman, this Miss Hughes anyway? And how dare she swap paintings like that! Or perhaps it was a genuine mistake? Perhaps she hadn't realised the mix up? No. Of course she knew exactly what she'd done! But why would she do that?... And why the hell, damn her, was she not talking, explaining herself, getting tongue-tied and uncomfortable in Angel's piercing stare?... And so, suddenly, something inside her snapped even further...

Angel only vaguely felt it as her calm, sophisticated self-control fell away instantly to reveal her cruel, twisted truth, as she screamed at Jayne in sheer frustration, right in her face...

"I _said_ where the _hell_ is it? What the _bloody hell_ have you done with it?" She paused briefly for breath. "What? You think this is okay do you? You think that what they're doing is _right_? How _can_ you? And you think covering it up is right too, _do_ you? _Well_? You sick, conniving little bitch! -"

Keeler stepped-in immediately. "Er _excuse_ me Miss Stirling! You do _not_ come in here like that and abuse my colleagues! -"

But Angel was ignoring him. She was in full flow now. All the months of missing Jen, regretting how she'd treated her, wanting her back, looking for her, then finally finding her, but finding her in love, in deep love, with someone else, someone who wasn't even in her league... well it all exploded inside her and she forgot herself, completely...

"- I should've _guessed _you'd _lie_ about it to save your _friend_! Huh! It's _sick_! _SICK_! You call yourself a _tutor_? A bloody responsible _adult_ giving youngsters an education? Is _this_ supposed to be the education you provide? _ Is it hmm_? You... _bitch_!"

Keeler wasted no time during Angel's tirade against Jayne - who had, somehow, from somewhere, found the strength of mind or will to stand her ground and weather the ferocious storm of Angel's wrath that was slamming into her, full force. In seconds Keeler had opened the door and called to Joyce to contact people for assistance - Derek and Phil who were caretakers and often provided security assistance if called upon, and officer Mark Johnson from the local police station who had regular dealings with the college. Joyce was on the case straight away. She could hear the abusive outburst still growing, still escalating beyond the door... Then there was a thudding smash to accompany another repeated 'bitch' insult from Angel...

When Keeler turned back into the room he saw Jayne pushed-up against the wall with her foot pushed through the ripped canvas of the painting, its wooden frame smashed and splintered, and Angel's hands clenched tightly around fist-fulls of Jayne's top, up around her neckline. She was still screaming similar things in her face.

He didn't hesitate.

Two swift strides and he was there, using his slightly more solid male strength to pull her off Jayne, who was somehow still managing to stay calm and aloof from such an abusive tantrum. Some part of him marvelled at her sheer grit.

The minute Keeler pulled her off, Angel thrust her hands up into the air. It was partly to throw his hands off her - a touch which she couldn't stand - and partly to make another dramatic gesture to highlight the unfairness of the perceived traitorous lie...

She was reacting as though she'd been set up, Keeler wondered for a second, and then shook his mind clear on seeing the level-minded and bravely determined look in Jayne's eyes.

Angel spun round to face Keeler, her heeled boots somehow ironically making her taller than him which added to her air of natural, superior authority and made Keeler dislike her even more.

"And _you_!" she pointed at him, her jaw set firm in a position of disrespect. "_You_ should have a better knowledge of your staff! You should keep your house in order! You should be getting that stupid _red-head _in here. _Right_ now. And interrogating the sick truth out of her! Right... _now_! But no. You're choosing to believe _that_ -" she gestured to Jayne, who was still leaning against the wall, "- woman! _That_ lying, unprofessional woman, and cover it all up!"

Before Keeler (completely bemused by what she was saying) could respond, Jayne broke her silence for the first time, pushing herself off the wall and stepping out of the wrecked canvas to move directly across to her.

"You leave Tilly out of this! Do you hear?" she said protectively.

Angel snorted in disgust at the name. Jayne ignored the intended insult at Tilly and continued. Her voice was quiet but commanding and controlled; a direct contrast to Angel's, who seemed to be behaving completely out of character.

"You just damn well leave her alone, Angela! I will _not_ stand by and let you bully her any more!"

"Huh. Bully her? _Bully_ her?" Angel rolled her eyes. "That's a joke, is it? When she's been doing those _awful_ things with -"

"Enough!" Jayne interrupted her, immediately closing off Angel's sentence. She'd had enough of this. Who on _earth_ did Angela Stirling think she was anyway? Poor Tilly.

"Yes, you're right... That _is_ enough, _thank_ you Miss Stirling..." Keeler spoke out in support of Jayne and also to reassert his authority. He'd also had quite enough for one day!

There was a polite knock at the door and Keeler responded accordingly, knowingly: "Ah, here we are. Come in please!"

Officer Johnson entered, closely followed by the two caretakers. Angel looked murderously at the floor.

"Thank you for coming officer," Keeler spoke directly, opting for a more formal title than his name which he actually knew very well. "I would like you to take Miss Stirling here and escort her off the premises please... but before you do that officer, I would like to make a formal complaint of assault by Miss Stirling against Miss Hughes which I have witnessed, here in this office, and which my secretary out in reception can also attest to hearing. I am fully prepared to make a statement right away."

Officer Mark Johnson nodded. Keeler continued: "I would also request that it be made clear to Miss Stirling, in whichever means the law allows, that she should _not_ attempt any further contact, of _any_ sort, with one of our students, Miss Matilda Evans, or indeed one of our staff, Miss Jennifer Gilmore..."

Angel twitched angrily, barely able to contain another outburst. She was seething, in a burning ocean of her very own hell. Because she was starting to see, now, that her unusual, uncharacteristic loss of self-control - which was suddenly dawning on her in shocked surprise at herself - had done her no favours at all in her attempt to separate and punish her beloved ex and her young lover. She was starting to realise, agonisingly, that somehow she'd blown it!

She looked from one to the other; at Keeler first and then across at Jayne. No, there was no sign in Keeler's eyes that he had any doubts or suspicions about Jen and the red-head at all. He only looked furious with her and proudly protective of Jayne...

And Jayne...? No, Angel couldn't read anything in Jayne's eyes at all. She was being far too careful to not drop her guard... Which, in itself, it suddenly occurred to Angel, suggested that she knew...

_Something_...

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	46. Chapter 46

[_Note: Thank you for your patience with these posts. And thank you katstanwyck, for really helping me out with some major things_... _E x_]

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Chapter 46

When Jen opened her eyes she saw her guest straight away, as Jayne came into focus immediately. She was sitting in the corner chair, her right leg crossed over her left, her head leaning on her arm which was resting on the arm of the chair and she was looking down at the floor beside Jen's bed, deep in thought. In fact, the instant Jen focused and saw her sitting there she felt her heart skip a beat because of the expression in Jayne's face, which looked tired and drained too. Something felt wrong. She could sense that there was more to this visit than usual. And for some indefinable reason it gave her a deep feeling of dread. Her first thought was of Tilly's whereabouts and whether or not she was ok or... what if something had happened to her? And so Jen's waking moments were filled with her wondering how she could enquire about her student without raising suspicion from her friend.

Jayne suddenly noticed Jen stirring and looked up. She looked directly at her face, earnestly into her eyes. Once again it gave Jen that odd sense of something being wrong somehow. She felt as though she was being sized up; scrutinised, in some way.

"Hi Jayne," Jen broke the brief silence with her quiet greeting and smiled warmly at her friend. "Thanks for coming to see me again..." But then she noticed that Jayne didn't smile back in the same way as usual. Her smile in response this time looked polite and forced; it didn't reach her eyes. Again Jen felt that sensation of dread in the pit of her stomach. What was going on? What was wrong? Part of her really didn't want to find out.

"Hi, how are you feeling?" came Jayne's reply. She was clearly still concerned about her, but again the concern didn't seem to be reaching her eyes, which seemed to show that her mind was on something completely different. Still, Jen had no choice but to follow the conventions of the conversation. She knew, anyway, that sooner or later whatever was on Jayne's mind would come out. She just wished that it didn't make her feel so damned uncomfortable. Because after all, why should it? She tried to shake away the thought.

"Oh well, you know, a lot better since a couple of days ago. Better since I saw you last time."

Jayne nodded. Jen continued, aware that for some reason she unusually felt the need to fill any silence and maintain the conversation as a light one, of small talk...

"I've just had my dressings changed for the thousandth time and she thinks the wounds are tonnes better. She's really pleased..."

"Oh well, _that's_ good -" Jayne replied, and Jen was left with the unsettling feeling that she'd been about to add 'at least' to the end, as if something was really wrong...

Oh, enough was enough! She _had_ to know what on earth was going on!

"Is everything...ok? At work? Jayne?" Jen asked hesitantly, watching her friend's face closely.

Jayne's head snapped up from where it had dropped to the floor again. Once again, she looked Jen full in the face, searching out her eyes. Yes, something was definitely wrong, Jen thought, she was definitely being tested on _something_ here. She mentally braced herself for what was to come.

"Well I'm surprised you haven't heard actually," Jayne began. Jen looked quizzically at her and Jayne suddenly remembered that none of the staff had been able to call in to see her since she had herself been a few days before.

"Angela Stirling no longer works at the college," she added finally.

"What?" Jen gaped, amazed. That most definitely would _not_ have been Angel's choice! "Why? What happened?" She could feel the slight ripple of a small wave of relief begin to flow through her, but hardly dared hope it was true.

"Well, ultimately, she lost it in Keeler's office with me. I think the crunch came when she called me a conniving bitch and shoved me up against the wall as if she was going to punch my lights out!_"_

Jen just stared, mouth open wide. _That_ most definitely did _not_ sound like Angel! Angel who was _always so_ controlled and icy... Jayne saw the shocked look in Jen's face and shrugged.

"Yeah, you could say she _properly_ lost it! Keeler had to pull her off me. Until then I'd never really realised how intimidating - what such an emotional bully she is... It took all my nerve to control myself and not respond to her. It was, truly, horrible."

"Good God, Jayne, were you ok? I mean, were you hurt or anything?" Jayne shook her head as Jen continued: "Why though? What was it all about?"

Jayne looked at the floor again and thought for a moment before replying. Without realising it, Jen started nervously picking at the neckline of her top with her right hand.

"It was about you -"

"_Me_?" Jen was stunned, her hand frozen mid-motion.

"- and... Tilly Evans."

Jen stopped breathing. The colour drained from her face, she could feel it. Her heart seemed to stop beating, completely. Jayne stared at a small stain on the carpet. The only sound was the faint ticking of the wall clock...

...As if it was a pace maker to replace her deadened heart from the sudden shock, Jen thought distantly.

When she finally spoke, after a long minute's silence between them, Jen tried her hardest to make her voice sound light and innocent: controlled, polite, distant.

"What do you mean - me - and - Tilly Evans?"

But she already knew that she'd failed to be convincing, even before Jayne looked up again and stared at her with a look which demanded answers; demanded to know the truth.

"Come on Jen, give me _some_ credit here please," Jayne said, her withering tone making Jen look away and avert her eyes. "Look, the whole time you've been in here Angela's been picking on Tilly relentlessly - just like you suggested she might do - yes, of _course_, I can see why_ now_... I have been trying to keep an eye on things, I could see that _something_ was going on there, and Angela clearly _hated_ Tilly for some reason... and at first, because of what you said, about her being your ex and being very jealous and all, I just thought that it was because she'd convinced herself that Tilly just had a slight crush on you Jen - just a crush - but then... Oh Jen!"

Jen stared out of the window at the languid sky with its faint, weak tones of grey and its inert, sluggish clouds and wished she was invisible... While she focused her attention on a particular apathetic cloud Jayne continued to explain.

"Tilly's project she was doing on human form - well, she completed her painting of those figures in silhouette, you remember? And well, one of them ended up being very suggestive... of you, Jen... and Angela saw it, and was going to use it as evidence - she accused you of having an affair with Tilly - she told me - luckily no one else, I don't think, and I could tell that Tilly was clearly in love with you - but yes, she was going to take the painting to Keeler and make a formal complaint against you for suspected indecency with a student under the age of eighteen - which, as you know would have forced an investigation. She was pushing for Keeler to interview Tilly about it, and she had already been picking on Tilly enough to weaken her resolve, if she'd been seen that is. But I stopped it..."

Jen looked at Jayne then, a mixture of expressions etched on her face, and her eyes were filling with tears. She knew there was no point in denying anything.

"How did you - ?"

"I swapped the painting for another one Tilly had done which looked very similar, which I found in the cupboard. And then I pre-empted Angela's meeting with Keeler so I could get in first. I took the new painting with me - I felt awfully deceiving Jen, so I really never intended on using it if I could get away without doing so, but I thought if Angela was going to try to embarrass Tilly with her painting at least she wouldn't be able to with that one - and I wanted to tell Keeler the truth about what _I'd_ witnessed, of Angela bullying Tilly quite repeatedly in lessons... I wasn't there to cover up for you at all, so _don't_ for one _second_ think that, and I don't condone it either Jen. I mean, how _could_ you? You're her _teacher_ for god's sake! _Jen_! _Talk_ to me. Help me _understand._ _Please_. You're my _friend_, Jen, but I can't - I can't condone..._ this_."

Jen hung her head while her thumping heart punched at her more and more and seemed to push its punishment through her body by speeding up its blood flow, coursing it through her veins in a throbbing pulsation of dread, and then slowing it so that she felt faint, suddenly, as if the blood was refusing to return to her head, making a deliberately slow, languid journey back again...

She just did not know what to say.

Jayne waited. She sat there patiently, trying to comprehend, allowing her friend, who she liked so much, as much time as was necessary to gather her thoughts.

Finally Jen looked up. The tears in her eyes had multiplied. Her voice was hoarse and broken when she spoke.

"I - we - didn't know," she began to try to explain. Her voice broke and she began again.

"We met at the art exhibition in Campus Cafe last year. Tilly was the organiser. We just clicked straight away. She was interesting and funny and I thought she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen before. I figured she was straight though. But I was thrilled, because it was the first time I'd felt vaguely alive since Angel - that's Angela - had treated me so badly to make me think that I'd never be interested in anyone ever again... She left me _dead_ Jayne, and even just seeing Tilly made me feel like a small part of me started to wake up again and take notice... But as I say, I just assumed that she was straight... _Anyway_, I said something critical about her painting and she got really curt with me, offended, and you know, that only sparked my interest in her even more, because I'd never felt so connected so quickly to someone and for some reason, I didn't know why, it mattered to me to put things right with her... So when we bumped into each other the next day I didn't hesitate in trying to persuade her to meet with me. I mean, I just thought she was one of the university students like me. She easily looks old enough and she's so mature Jayne, and insightful, and intelligent, and I loved the way she didn't let me get away with anything and challenged me on everything I said about art. It was refreshing, exciting... That morning I'd only just arrived in Hollyoaks after getting my final teaching placement at the college and I was waiting to move into Diane's. She was out so I had time on my hands. And the argument with Tilly at the exhibition had made me want to go to Crosby beach for the afternoon to do some sketching... so I asked if she wanted to come and she said yes and we spent the afternoon together. Just two young women, both uni students I thought, getting to know each other and enjoying each other's company. And it felt... so... _right_! We just connected. _Really_ connected, Jayne. It's weird, but I just felt like we were completely matched, like we'd known each other for years or something... Anyway, whatever it was, we both felt it and we both felt how special it made us feel, and then... well... we kissed. And it was easy, and amazing, and I felt like I'd come home at last. So we swapped numbers and knew we were going to see each other again and we both really believed this was the start of something really special - the real thing, you know?"

Jen broke off to wipe her eyes and sniffed a little into a tissue which she seemed to grip tightly as if it was gold. She looked again out through the window at the languid sky and tried to use its lazy, ambling movement to calm herself more. She felt oddly liberated, for the moment, at being able to tell her story openly and truthfully for the first time, and to someone who she knew would try to understand, who respected her enough already to not allow personal prejudice to get in the way.

Jayne sat back, barely breathing, watching her with more genuine concern than before. She knew that this was difficult for Jen to face up to and she respected her for trying to and for being brave about it. She wanted to help her and hold her hand, in a manner of speaking, through all of this... Yet she still didn't say anything. She knew that Jen would tell her everything in her own good time, and she needed time, she needed some space...

Jen looked back into the room again. She seemed slightly calmer and more collected somehow; almost resigned to whatever fate had in store for her. She continued quiety, looking at Jayne the whole time.

"It wasn't until the college fire that we realised who the other one was - that I was her teacher and she was a college student, not at university at all. And that's when the bottom dropped out of my world..." she grimaced as she remembered the hurt and the shock and the realisation... "It was awful Jayne. Absolutely _awful_. And while we still couldn't ignore that connection between us, which has _always_ been so strong, we knew we _had_ to stop it..." Tears welled in her eyes again at the memory of the emotional struggle.

"...And I _did_ try Jayne! You _must_ believe me, I really _did! _ We tried to stay away from each other, but that didn't work. So we agreed to just be, you know, friends... But that didn't work either... because it was so natural and instinctive to want to be together and to reach out for each other. But I put a _total_ stop to it when a rumour started going around - oh, it's a long story, it was based on nothing, just a polaroid snap someone took when I happened to look across at her and touch her hand. I hadn't even realised I'd been doing that, and that _really_ scared me. So I just stayed away. And it _killed_ me, Jayne. It absolutely _killed_ me..."

Again, Jen broke off, her voice starting to tremour, before she regained control over it once again and continued...

"...But I held out. And I knew that when term finished for the year and I completed my placement, I wasn't going to be her teacher anymore, so when, one day, in those last few weeks we just bumped into each other on the pathway into town, I thought it'd be ok because I never intended on coming back here to teach. _Ever_. So I thought we'd be ok. I thought it was ok Jayne..." She stopped again to pick at the tissue, a wry smile appearing fleetingly on her face. "Huh, little was I to know eh?" she muttered bitterly, half to herself.

Jayne smiled a sad smile in sympathy and waited again for the rest of it...

"The age thing just isn't an issue at all you know. It's, what... four, five years, tops? And she's _so_ much more mature and intelligent and interesting than _any_ of my friends my age - present company excepted of course." Jen shot a quick smile in Jayne's direction before continuing: "I can't explain it really. We just fit. I don't want to be with anyone else. Ever. And I know she feels the same way..." She paused again, a sudden dark look of anger entering her eyes. "...And then... when I realised I had no choice but to take the job here _after all_ - if I was going to stay above the poverty line, well not quite as bad as that perhaps, but not far off at all - well, finding _that_ out was the most _painful_ thing, and the most _painful_ decision I've ever had to make. Because I knew it would affect us and, most probably put an end to us. And I _couldn't_ let that happen Jayne. I _can't_..." She stopped then for a much longer pause and looked straight into Jayne's eyes.

"So. All I can say is, do what you feel you have to. Because I'm not going to do anything to hurt Tilly ever again. I hurt her enough when I put an end to it the last time. And I am not going to put her through all that again. And in any case, she's going to be eighteen very soon, and I'm sure we can be sensible about it until then... and I planned on going to see Keeler about it then anyway... because I thought it would be less frowned upon, less shocking to him once she was eighteen and legally an adult. At least then I wouldn't face going to prison!"

Jayne saw the tension appear again in Jen's face and realised that she had been having to come to terms with the danger of imprisonment for a long time. Good grief, she must really love the girl then, if she was prepared to go through all that, she thought to herself.

"I mean, why _should_ it be shocking in the first place Jayne?" Jen suddenly burst out in anger. "We're two intelligent, mature, consenting adults. And she _is_ an adult Jayne, even though she's not eighteen just yet, but she really _is_! She has a wisdom that girls her age just never have, and she knows who she is and what she wants out of life even more than I do now! The age difference isn't an issue at all between us. And the gay thing might be an issue to some people, but it's not to us. At least _that's_ not been an awkwardness between us. We'd be fine if I wasn't her teacher - although I do understand why the law is in place - it's just maddening because that's not true of our situation at all. I'm not exploiting her or using her or anything! Of course I'm not! And if we were given just _half_ a chance I'd deal with _that_ issue of being her teacher too! I'm already looking for other work elsewhere to take the pressure off her while she finishes her studies. I've never stopped looking. I'd do anything for her Jayne, _anything_. But we've tried being apart and it just doesn't work, it's too painful for both of us. I really love her Jayne. It's the real deal..."

Jen seemed to jut-out her chin slightly then and her jaw set into a firmer position of defiant anger which also showed through in the determined tone of her voice as she spoke again, one final time: "So. Do your worst, really. That's how I feel about it Jayne... I've had enough of hiding. But before you decide what to do, you should learn to trust me far more, you know." She gave her a watery smile. Jayne's eyes softened.

"I hear you Jen, I really do. Of course I believe you and trust you... But this can't go on Jen, not in the way it has been, not until she turns eighteen at least. You _know_ that's right. You _must_ take greater control over it and cool it for a bit with her. Please Jen. You really don't know how close you came to being investigated and found out. Just imagine what that would have meant! And if there was a rumour before, then there's bound to be a rumour circulating again now, because Angela was so open and blatant about her snide remarks linking you to Tilly in front of the class... You need to make it disappear again Jen. Really. Do whatever you have to, say whatever you need to to Tilly, but you've _got_ to stop seeing her. For a while at least. Now you need to trust me on this one Jen! Please! I do not want to see my friend go to jail."

Jayne stood up then. "Look, I hate leaving you on such a depressing note Jen, but I've really got to go... I've just seen the time. Just... _promise_ me you'll really think about it long and hard. Ok? I'll try and come see you tomorrow. Take care Jen." She hesitated and looked agonised at leaving just then, just at that moment, but she really did have no choice. She quickly patted Jen's arm and tried to give a reassuring smile before saying to her: "And I'm glad, Jen, that you've told me. Thank you for being honest. Now just... try and get some rest... and think about it... Bye."

And with that she was gone, hurrying out of the door with a quick wave, rushing against the time to make a prior appointment; leaving Jen to mull over what she'd said.

Jen felt sick. She fought back yet more tears. She felt the same apathetic, languid feeling inside her as that of the barely-moving clouds which were now sitting, brooding, in the darkening sky, watching her it seemed, judging her perhaps. In fact, for all Jayne's sudden necessary rushing, time to Jen just seemed to have stopped completely still, as if all the universe was waiting...

Waiting for her to decide what she was going to do...

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	47. Chapter 47

Chapter 47

Sleep was fitful and elusive, just like her tortured heart. She simply couldn't shake the feeling that it would all soon be over. Even when she had managed a few measely hours of sleep they had been far from peaceful; filled with dreams which unsettled her all the more, which played-out worst-case scenarios as if they were vividly real...

And so it was perhaps no surprise to her to suddenly recall the most recent unsettling dream - of being in Keeler's office, sitting opposite him, across the desk from him, while she told him everything. Confessed it all. Her true feelings - of tender, respectful, heartfelt love for her student... And then having to sit there and watch his shocked reaction - simply bemused at first, which became a stronger response of appalled realisation.

She could still see his face. She could still see the expression of horrified misunderstanding in his eyes, in the sudden, more deeply-etched lines on his forehead and around his mouth... She could still hear the words he spoke as she watched that mouth curl around words which condemned her, in Keeler's own manner of speech...

"What _is_ this... this... _frippery_? This _nonsense_ Jen? For goodness sake! Is this _true_? Do you have _any_ idea what this means for the college? For Tilly? For _you_? _Do_ you?... Well what have you got to say for yourself? Come _on_ Jen, we haven't got all day! You are _fully_ accountable for this! And it is _incredibly_ serious, I don't think I need to impress that upon you. I am _shocked_ Jen, shocked and _appalled_! You should be _ashamed_!..."

"Jen?"

The beautiful, gentle voice broke into her tortured thoughts, bringing her back from the brink - of insanity, it seemed - and back home again at last, anchoring her heart protectively once more.

"Jen? Are you awake?"

It seemed like an age since she'd last heard that voice.

Then she felt a warm, soft hand stroke away part of her fringe from her closed eyes and move tenderly across and down her cheek and then she felt the velvety, silky-soft touch, very light, of warm lips brushing gently against her own.

She opened her eyes as Tilly pulled away from her gentle kiss and smiled, gazing down at her with eyes full of love.

_My God,_ she thought as she gazed lovingly back at them, _how on earth can I do this?..._ Especially when Tilly didn't know anything of the recent developments, it seemed, as she started talking animatedly about her day and how, for some reason, Angel hadn't been anywhere around so she'd actually had a laugh and some light-hearted fun in Art for a change with the new male supply teacher...

"So how about you?" she asked Jen then, stroking back her defiant fringe once more as it fell into her eyes again.

The fleeting feel of her touch sent an exquisite ache to Jen's stomach. She _loved_ the way Tilly made her feel. "Oh I'm okay," she answered her and knew, suddenly, that she needed to say more to momentarily cover her sombre mood. She sighed. "I'm just bored, I guess. Physically, I'm _much_ better, so they tell me. I might even make it out of here in time for your birthday, you never know... Lord knows I've been in here long enough!"

There was a momentary silence between them and a sudden, thoughtful glance away and both of them studied their hands, as they both digested what that birthday could mean for them. But they also knew it was still months away and a lot could happen between now and then, even if Jen staying in hospital helped to limit their urgent temptation to be together. It was still dangerous for them. Perhaps more than ever before, Jen worried. _Very_ dangerous.

Perhaps it was that which strengthened Jen's resolve... Or perhaps it was simply the sudden realisation that if she didn't do it now then she wouldn't do it at all... And she knew she had to, for both their sakes, because Jayne was right - another spate of rumours and it would come to an end in any case, and not in a good way. Not at all... So perhaps Angel had won in the end after all? Jen wondered reluctantly. That was a grim thought!

"Jen?"

Tilly's voice once again broke through the inner turmoil of Jen's thoughts, making her focus more fully on her, looking up and into her clear emerald eyes again, which looked _dazzling_! They took Jen's breath away. For the moment she lost the power of speech. And yet, even more intense than that was the sensation of her heart breaking inside her at that very moment, although she tried so hard to be brave and to hold it all together to put on a reassuring front for the young woman sitting opposite her, within touching distance, who meant _everything_ to her, who she'd go to the ends of the _earth_ for.

Tilly sat slightly on the edge of the hospital bed and held her hand, concerned for her suddenly, holding Jen's gaze for as long as possible, some deeper part of her never wanting to look away, ever again, from her captivating hazel eyes which were glistening in the faint light from the window. For a moment she had the horrifying idea that they were glistening with tears, but she shook that thought away, believing it had formed itself because Jen looked so frail and defenceless - vulnerable - just lying there looking so pale. It made Tilly feel a burning desire to protect her, look after her, and she knew, somehow, that that feeling would last a lifetime and would _never_ fade away. Still, all of this occurred in mere seconds, as Tilly sat there, stroking her hand tenderly, and continued to talk, voicing her concerns as she spoke...

"Jen? Oh it's so lovely to see you... but what's wrong? I can tell that something's playing on your mind. Tell me. Maybe I can help... Do you need anything?"

She broke off to allow Jen time to speak, aware that she really wanted to bombard her with concerned questions... but then couldn't control herself, adding: "Do you want another pillow to prop yourself up more with? Shall I get you another pillow?" and at that she stood up, poised and ready to go on a pillow hunt..

Jen couldn't help but laugh.

Almost as a reflex, she reached out and grabbed Tilly's hand in a short tug. "No I don't need anything." She smiled as Tilly paused and turned to her... and then suddenly looked serious. "But you're right... There _is_ something we need to talk about. Come here and sit down again..."

Jen's voice was soft and affectionate and caring but Tilly knew by its grave tone that the next few seconds of conversation were somehow going to hurt like hell. She just knew it. She tried her best to prepare herself for whatever it was, already beginning to build up the walls around her for protection once more.

She held her breath and made a wish that whatever it was, whatever was making Jen's face wear _that_ expression of contorted grief, no matter how hard she was trying to hide it, to protect her from it... that whatever it was, would be spoken quickly and not drawn out in some sort of prolonged, agonising way...

She dreaded what was coming, for some reason already fearing the worst.

She almost felt herself tense for some sort of impact, as if awaiting a stabbing pain the likes of which she'd never felt so strongly before, even the last time...

Her heart-rate began to increase dramatically, rapidly, dangerously fast.

Then her lungs didn't seem to be working.

Her breathing became erratic.

The room swum around her suddenly, making her grip onto Jen's hand for dear life, fiercely, fervently, _willing_ Jen not to say what she'd always dreaded she would.

Her mind couldn't even contemplate the possibility of what she was thinking, anticipating; it told her not to be so stupid, that they were way past that insecurity, that Jen really truly loved her, that they were solid together, they had a future, that she was just being some idiotic teen who'd watched too many television dramas.

But that look in Jen's face... in her eyes...

She tensed again.

And then stopped breathing altogether as Jen leaned towards her, never releasing her gaze, and kissed her lightly on the forehead before starting to speak...

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	48. Chapter 48

_[Author's note: Thankyou all so much for all your comments and for still reading and being so, so patient with the delay in chapters... My deep apologies for keeping you waiting for so long for updates. Hopefully life will settle down a bit and allow me to be a little more frequent from now on... Anyway, thanks. E x]_

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Chapter 48

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She picked at the corners of her pillow slowly, blindly, through the wall of tears obstructing her vision. She felt a thread - part of the cotton stitching that had come away - and smoothed it out with her cold fingertips against the soft pillowcase, repeating the same identical motion as though in a trance. She was so far away. So lost. So... absent. As though in a paralysis far deeper than any of the deepest oceans of the world. Her head hurt, not that she noticed. Her heart hung heavy, like the rest of her. Her body was a dead-weight, lying forgotten and abandoned on the ocean floor but bereft of any anchor; at the mercy of the fickle tides which swamped her and dragged her along, alone...

At some point - she wasn't sure when - she became distantly aware that the daylight was fading to black. She found that she was shivering, to her vague surprise, and that the surface of her skin was cold. Bumpy too. As though her body had been chilled beyond belief, even while her mind had been huddled in a corner, elsewhere.

Her face felt tight from the trails of tears left alone to travel across its surface and dry into the air by themselves; pooling onto the cotton beneath; making the pillow quite sodden, in the place right next to her cheek.

But she didn't care.

She was barely aware of anything - exhausted, as she was, from the myriad of emotions and memories which had been tormenting and teasing her; cruelly pressing-in on her; reminding her of all that was lost; suffocating her in their waves of pain.

And then, to make matters worse, she would experience a sudden moment of clarity and remember it all in clear, detailed precision, like a film reel from a high-definition camera. And each time it was an addictive poison; a terrible pain, but one which she longed for - because even while it made her re-live the agony all over again, it also placed her back there sitting beside her on her bed, stroking her perfect hand and feeling her warm proximity and her unquestionable love cloaking her body - even though the words emerging from her mesmerising mouth were shards of glass to her heart.

She could see her now...

Stunning hazel eyes, bathed in heartfelt affection and concern for her, glistening with what she soon discovered had been tears after all, which had caught the daylight from the hospital window and invited its subtle, sparkling dance... And a mouth to drown in, whose magical lips knew every inch, every contour of her body, of her private world, like none before and, she doubted, none ever again.

Jen had held her gaze, just as _she_ had held Jen's hand, throughout the whole conversation, looking at her adoringly with her adoring eyes, beseeching her with them to understand - to understand and agree with her.

And she _did_ agree, she'd had no choice _but_ to agree, with her mind, once Jen had told her all that had happened with Angel and what Jayne had said about it and about the rumours starting up again... But she did _not_ agree with her body and soul. No. Not at all.

At least _this_ time she wasn't tortured by thoughts that Jen was choosing to reject her; at least _this_ time she was treating her as an equal adult, who was supposedly sharing the decision to cool it off '...for a while Tilly, just for a bit, just until...we know it's safe again...' she'd said earnestly to her, in a tone which was _willing_ her to agree; agree and believe.

And so, what else could she do? Apart from agree and, as much as it was ripping her heart to shreds, sit there squeezing Jen's hand tightly and nodding reluctantly while her burning tears blinded her eyes and dripped forlornly down her face and onto her cotton blouse...

Jen had wiped them away then, gently, lovingly, and had continued to do so without speaking for some time while she had just sat there limp and passive and let her, loving her precious touch all the while they continued to fall.

Finally, they had been forced to part company; the nurse appeared, who regularly arrived to check on Jen's dressings and see how well they were healing (since some of the stitching in some of the deeper lacerations had pulled apart again and again and had caused infection which had necessitated the addition of antibiotics being administered) and she disturbed their moment of shared grief, asking if everything was all right, before reminding Tilly that _that _session of visiting had come to an end over fifteen minutes ago...

And she never left the room either, busying herself with laying out swabs and disinfectant and other pieces of sterilised equipment while the two torn women could only gaze at each other sadly, hungrily, knowing that this would most probably be the last time they would be so physically close to each other in a while...

After a lengthy silence - which was punctuated regularly by the nurse's huffs and puffs and comments on the time - Jen asked her very politely if she would just give them a moment alone and, reluctantly, she disappeared - but they both knew that it would indeed be only for a moment. Jen reached out to Tilly then. The minute the nurse left the room Jen reached out for her to come to her and then reached up to hold her face in both hands and stare deeply into her eyes before speaking very softly...

"It will be all right you know. We will be all right. I promise you. I'll try everything in my power to put this right Tilly. You know I want you, I want to be with you. It will just take... time. _Please_ be patient. _Please_ believe me..."

And then, as Tilly felt the tears begin to pool again in her emerald eyes, Jen reached herself up to her, ignoring the dull pain across her neck and back - which was, actually _so_ much better than it had been in _such_ a long while - and sought out her beautiful rosebud mouth with her own, pressing her soft, sultry lips into the younger woman's supple mouth in a deep kiss which both of them felt set their hearts and minds on fire. It was a promise, she knew. Jen's promise to her...

And then the nurse returned, impatient to get all her jobs done, coughing as she entered, embarrassed at seeing two women kiss like that, so passionately; not realising before, immediately wondering how old the younger woman was but not seeing any uniform or anything, but still - seeing them jump apart guiltily and wondering again... Ah well, she'd seen far more surprising things, she thought once she'd collected herself, more concerned about the list of chores she still had to work through until her shift was over for the day.

But her sudden intrusion was enough to make them both realise, with a jolt, that it was, probably, the right decision to make for now, in the long run...

And that had been that.

She had replayed, over and over again, the scene she'd seen, over her shoulder, as she'd looked back to wave a sad goodbye to her beautiful brunette teacher, with her striking hazel eyes and addictive sultry mouth, before turning on her heel and walking blindly away down the corridor, trying to distract herself by looking in her bag for her house keys and phone but failing miserably to do so from the pain of separation which was already seeping through her heart...

She'd been good for nothing after that.

She got home _somehow_ - couldn't even remember how - she'd gone straight upstairs and had thrown herself there on her bed. Hadn't even taken off her coat and boots at first... Then, at some point, she had removed those items and flung her bag down on the floor in disgust too. She'd ignored any calls upstairs from her mum, and then later her dad, which were offering her a drink, or asking about her day, or asking how that teacher friend of hers was doing...

And _that_ comment had started her off again, thinking about things, about them and all the things stacked up against them ever being together. She thought about her parents... They knew that she felt close to her teacher because of their similar tastes in music and books and art; they had actually said once to her that it was a complement to her that a teacher would take an interest like that in a student, and that they were pleased that there was someone else adding a cultural interest to their daughter's life... She had often wondered, mildly amused, if they would still say the same thing if they knew _just_ how close they were and _just_ how much of an influence Jen had on her life!... Oh, she wondered what they'd say now, if they knew that Jen was the real reason why she was up there, being unsociable, torn apart now on her bed in absolute bits...

When, finally, after no response, her mum had come up and knocked quietly on her door to tell her to come down because tea was ready, she had grunted that she wasn't hungry and wanted to be left alone - now, not even hiding the fact that she was upset about something. Her mum had entered and sat on her bed, talking softly to her while she'd stroked her hair, as she had done when Tilly was a child, or when she had ever been poorly; noticing the dried tears on her cheeks and the sodden pillow beneath her face; asking her what was wrong and could she do anything? But she just couldn't bring herself to talk and so she allowed her to think that she'd had a falling-out with Maddie and Sinead over some college project they were working on together, which had got her so upset she'd lost her appetite and was just going to go to bed.

Still worried, but satisfied at least that she knew what it was about and it wasn't life-threatening, her mum had retreated quietly, telling her that she'd keep her meal in the oven for later, just in case she fancied it more then. Then she'd quietly closed the door behind her to leave Tilly with her thoughts...

So.

There she was.

Far away...and... lost.

Absent...

P-a-r-a-l-y-s-e-d.

With a heavy heart and a heavy body, weighing her down into the murky depths of despair.

Lying there, abandoned and alone... Pushed away... And oh _god_, it hurt. It really, _really_ hurt!

The wall of tears sprang forth again, blinding her vision once more as she buried her face in her pillow and sobbed... and sobbed... and sobbed... her entire body shaking in the spasms of each heartbreaking wave.

Gone!

It was gone!

_She_ was gone from her... It was... They were...

Over - for now.

But still _over_.

And for how long really? She was disbelieving.

.

And so she lay there broken.

.

And she just couldn't bear it anymore.

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	49. Chapter 49

Chapter 49

The warmth of the cocoon-like softness enveloping her body was unbelievable. Heavenly and sumptuous, it made her forget herself and lose herself entirely in the swelling, surging pleasure she felt flowing through all of her, from her head and across her shoulders, chest, breasts and down... as night wrapped the earth in its dusky velvet arms, just as _she_ felt those sensual, silken arms of her younger lover wrap around her nakedness, keeping her safe.

She had never felt so connected before. She had never felt so loved.

At first, those months ago, it had made her feel too vulnerable, too exposed, too... awkward, because it was so new and inexplicable. It had taken her by surprise so that her head was full of doubts and questions and confusion, even while her uncontrollable heart was full of emotion far stronger than anything she'd felt before...

But now was different of course. Not that she was thinking of any of that at that moment - in fact, she wasn't thinking anything at all - she was just _feeling_ - existing. She was wrapped up in sensations so strong she could almost feel her connection to the _whole_ of the wider universe... with the feel of those soft, satin, careful hands as they stroked, lovingly, along and up the inside of her thighs once more and then...

And then rain suddenly tapped an impatient intrusion against her window and drummed its wet rhythm incessantly on the windowsill like demanding, frustrated fingers, making her stir suddenly and turn to stretch out her hand and feel the cold emptiness beside her.

With a jolt she realised that the silken arms she'd been _so sure_ were wrapped around her in a loving embrace were actually the warm cotton bed covers she was tied up in - big, fat ridges of bedding which she now fought against for freedom.

And then it all flooded back...

It hit her hard.

Like a stinging smack, the vivid vision appeared and she saw, once again, the hollow pools of emerald despair that had been Tilly's eyes, as they'd gazed at her in pain before glazing over and looking away; filling up with a liquid emotion which had mirrored her own...

And then, as Jen had further studied the contours of her face – committing it to memory – she'd seen again how her succulent rosebud mouth, which she knew almost as well as her own, looked different somehow from the way it usually looked – from the way it puckered, quite naturally, into a pout she always longed to taste... Instead, she saw the way that, this time, it seemed slack and limp; devoid of any expression or emotion or substance; echoing the same lacklustre expression which lay across her young face as she sat there, slumped in defeat – if there was, actually, _any_ expression left behind there at all.

It had killed Jen to see her sitting like that, looking so lost and forlorn.

It had absolutely _killed_ her.

And there was _nothing _she could do to wrench that vision away from her waking or sleeping mind. Such was the turmoil of being a visual thinker, she'd thought grimly to herself on more than one occasion, wishing that she _wasn't _someone who saw and remembered everything in glorious, vivid, technicolour detail...

Not even when the doctor came and told her, smiling as he looked down at her, that she was now finally well enough to be discharged, could she stop thinking of that torturous vision that shimmered constantly in her mind, haunting her.

She had reached for her phone countless times, wanting to retract what she'd said, take it all back and arrange to meet again in secret, to hold her once more in her loving arms. But then in her mind she'd seen Jayne's face and the frown it had worn the last time she'd seen her, the last time she'd visited and discussed it all with her, warning her, worrying about... everything. And it had pulled her back to harsh reality like another slap in the face, making her close up her phone again and push it away, just out of reach from further temptation. At least, until the next time the urge took hold.

_At the very least I can text her to let her know that I'm getting out of here at last_, she thought to herself, telling herself that there was no harm in doing that; that it was courteous, if nothing else. _Of course she'd want to know... wouldn't she?_ she wondered again, for the hundredth time, still haunted by a fleeting look of hurt disbelief which had flashed across Tilly's face at her like another slap of pain. The truth was, she didn't know what Tilly would want from her now. Yes, she _thought_ she knew her - _no, of course I know her_, she kept reassuring herself - but that was purely on instinct, on the fact that she knew Tilly was her soulmate - something that she would never, _ever,_ be able to explain to anyone in a way that they would _ever_ understand. _But how far can an instinct be trusted?_ she wondered, yet again... And so, Jen tortured herself in twisted emotions of loss and guilt and longing, completely torn apart inside, even as she was also so, _so_ relieved to be getting out of hospital at last, albeit with doctor's orders to rest up for about another week before returning to full time work where she'd be on her feet all day.

Finally, after much agonising over doing the right thing, she sent the text, deciding to keep it functional and keep any emotion out of it to spare both of them any more hurt:

_**Hi, they've finally given me the all clear so I'm getting out of here at last. It couldn't be soon enough tbh. I can't w8 to get back to the world! Take care J** x_

She hesitated over the ending bit, but decided that to not show any concern for the woman who meant so much to her and who she knew was hurting badly because of her would just be unnecessarily cruel. And she wanted Tilly to know she still loved her, even if that was having to be cooled for the moment. _ Oh Tilly, please don't give up on me, on us, _she begged the air around her in her mind: she already knew that it would be more than she could bear if Tilly gave up on her at last and looked for love elsewhere.

To try to combat such tortured fears and regain some control over her emotions, Jen carefully focused herself on getting ready and gathering all her things together. The nurse had already been in to check on things since the doctor had given her the final all-clear. Her unspoken message had been clear, in the way she'd viewed the state of the room, her eyes taking in all the jobs awaiting her there: they really needed the bed as soon as possible. And Jen was in no mood to stick around there any longer either: she really needed to escape those four walls, with their stagnant trapped miasma, and feel the free-spirited wind on her face and body again and smell the fresh scent of the natural world she had been denied access from for so long.

She wasn't expecting any reply and so she jumped when the alert on her phone went off while she was packing up her things into her small holdall ready to go back to the flat. Diane was due any minute to come and collect her. She only had to sign out at reception and then could walk free...

Immediately, she flipped open the cover, her heart throbbing suddenly, surprising her with its aching ferocity. Yes, it was Tilly. Her hands shook as she opened the message:

_**Hi, good I'm glad for you Jen. It's about time. Take care T x**_

Well? What did she expect? It was as formal and distantly polite as hers, and mirrored her own with its ending... At least she'd replied. And at least, like her, she still didn't want to hide some of her concern...

She smiled sadly as she remembered all those months ago when they'd first started texting each other and had been so careful about protecting each other's identity that they'd used code numbers... Well _that_ had lasted quite a while, but at some point - she wasn't sure when exactly - they'd gone past that need for anonymity, perhaps as they had grown closer together as couples do, into a full, mature and very serious relationship... Yes, it was another reminder to her that it was sensible for them to cool things for now. _Huh, but why does being sensible go against everything that makes my heart sing?_ Jen wondered distantly yet again, fighting the urge to stamp her foot or kick something, throw something maybe, in a childish tantrum of frustrated longing...

She looked up, pocketing her phone swiftly, as Diane entered all ready to busybody her along and out to freedom:

"Hya love, are you ready to go then?"

"Hi Diane, yes thank you. _ Please_ get me out of this place! I feel like I've done a spell in _prison_!" she found herself saying.

Jen's heart froze into a deadened slab of ice at that last word, surprising her suddenly and throwing her into an immediate mood of morose despair.

Diane mistook it for sudden tiredness. After all, the doctor had said that Jen still needed to take things easy, hadn't he? And Diane was determined she was going to get her back to full fitness in no time!

"Come on then love, let's get you home. We can have a nice cuppa and a chat before I put tea on. Come on..." and she picked up the holdall with a no-nonsense wave of her hand and insisted on helping Jen to the door and out, nodding to the waiting nurse who smiled absently and moved straight in to attend to her jobs.

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	50. Chapter 50

Chapter 50

In fact, Jen's heart continued to feel like a deadened slab of ice, accompanied as it was by a continual morose despair - for a long, long time...

It made her feel cracked and corpse-like... like some sort of parody of the walking dead from some clichéd horror film... and she found herself privately acknowledging this to herself time and time again; her thoughts taking on a grim blackness she had never known before – even worse than they had been following Angel's damaging abuse of her love. Wherever she was, whatever she was doing, its heaviness was there, weighing her down and sapping her energy; spreading its roots to wind around her soul and her hope - like a punishing weed choking a brightly coloured bud.

It hadn't helped that she'd had to wait an entire week before returning to work again. A week in which she had been silently going mad at the fussing hands of Diane, who insisted on nursing her back to health and making sure that she did everything she was supposed to do like finish the dosage of antibiotics and remember to take them at the right times and stay out of harm's way and not lift anything too heavy or cumbersome... and so on... and so on... since, as Diane kept telling her, she was only _just_ out of hospital and even though no one had ever expected her to be kept in for so long or for her wounds to end up being so severe, she was still only out now on condition that she continued to improve and took things easy. "It's doctor's orders you know love" Diane would say for the hundredth time, putting a stop to it, if she ever wanted to lift anything or go anywhere by herself... Yes, it was fair to say that she was going slowly mad.

So when it came time to return to the college and take up her position as Art teacher once again from the very capable hands of the supply teacher the college had found, Jen was impatient to get started.

She had purposely pushed all thoughts of Tilly from her mind during that week of frustration with Diane - which had felt like an imprisonment of sorts, she had frequently thought wryly to herself, not escaping the unnerving irony of that. And she knew that if she allowed even just one slight memory of Tilly to slip through her mental barriers she would be lost for at least two hours, wallowing in despair and lonely longing; her very body calling out in grief at its loss of her touch and her love. So she banished those memories and hid them somewhere deep inside, in a closed, locked box in some dark corner of her frozen heart where she hoped she would not remember to look - for a while at least - until she was back on her feet in the real world anyway.

She had no idea how she would feel when she saw her sitting in her classroom again, looking intelligent and expectant and willing to develop her skills with the art materials at her disposal or standing up and delivering a short presentation to the group on whichever artist or artistic movement she had chosen to research for part of the project requirements they would have surely reached in that module by now... No, she had no idea even how she would interact with her - whether she would treat her the same as any other student or whether she would feel too awkward or vulnerable to even acknowledge her... She hoped she wouldn't be prejudiced towards her. She really hoped so, but she had to admit that she really didn't know what to expect.

So once again, that nervous anticipation of seeing her was pushed deep inside to lie somewhere dark and forgotten for as long as possible.

When Jen walked into her room that first morning back - earlier than even _she_ usually was (because, typically, she wasn't sleeping at all) - she was very much the zombie-like, robotic person that stumbled out of movies; determined as she was, that she was not going to feel any raw emotion at all.

She was thankful that Tilly's class wasn't until the last lesson on that first day - although she would have preferred it to be the last lesson on Friday, when she would have had a full week back to get into the swing of things again first. But as it was, she had no choice about it and so she made sure that she threw herself back into her teaching in all of her morning lessons, gradually finding her feet again and remembering the familiar thrill she felt when she introduced a new topic to a class or chaired an interesting discussion between these intelligent teenagers or even when she found one or two of them flirting with her. She had forgotten how alive it made her feel, being in a classroom on her own with a group of compelling young adults, completely responsible for what they were doing and how the lesson went...

By lunchtime she had successfully navigated her way back to life again, drawing inspiration from some of the amazing artwork that her students had developed while she'd been away - and they had all been _so_ glad to see her back with them again that she had found herself being quite touched by it all - two of her groups shyly proferring a 'Welcome Back' card for her and cheering when she blushed in front of them and opened it to find all their names scrawled there with a little personal message to her to say how pleased they were to see her.

And then Jayne poked her head around the door, come to rescue her from the morning and take her along for some food, the thought of which cheered her up even more, and before she knew it, she found herself sitting on one of the low leather seats in Campus Coffee enjoying the company of her friend as she wittered on about the latest staffroom gossip in between mouthfuls of panini and sips of cappuccino...

She suddenly realised with a start that Jayne was speaking again. It was that name she'd just spoken that shook Jen out of her reverie - of studying the swirling patterns of frothed milk and bubbled-up coffee that her spoon played with on the surface of her drink...

"Jen? Jen! Heyyy. Wakey wakey sleepy head. I'm talking to you. What's the matter with you eh?" Jayne teased affectionately and rolled her eyes in an exaggerated gesture to heighten the tease.

"What?" Jen replied, jumping. Jayne laughed out loud at her vexed expression.

" I was just _saying_... how proud I am of you for doing the right thing with Tilly."

Jen's gaze dropped once more to the froth of her cappuccino and fixated on a small lump of chocolate topping that still lay on the top. "Oh. That." she murmured, half to herself.

"Yes. _That_." Jayne echoed gently, smiling, trying to coax Jen out of herself more; seeing that she'd somehow disappeared somewhere else for the moment. She continued: "That must've been really hard for you, don't think I don't know that Jen. But you must see that you've done the right thing...?"

Jen shrugged and pulled a face of nonchallance, still staring transfixed at her drink. The edges of her mouth were fixed and her eyes were hard. "Yes. The right thing. We always have to do the right thing don't we?" she muttered - again, half to herself - unable to keep an edge of bitterness out of her voice which Jayne noticed immediately.

"Um... Jen?" Jayne queried, "Are you... ok... about... things?" she pressed, suddenly taken aback at the apparent loss of Jen's usual glint of mischievous energy which usually danced in her eyes. She received no response. Jen was just sitting there apparently in a daze; apparently somewhere else entirely, and not somewhere which made her happy, that was for sure. Jayne studied her face before wanting to press her further for a response. Jen looked as though she hadn't slept properly for months. Her face was hollow and drawn; her eyes were paler than their usual warmth and for the first time she could remember, Jayne thought she could see how the eye sockets were more pronounced... In fact, the closer she looked over her features, the more she realised just how much weight Jen seemed to have lost. She looked really quite frail, Jayne thought to herself - and then couldn't help but wonder how much of this change was down to her breaking off things with Tilly...

"Jen? Did you hear what I said? Are you ok? About... you know... Tilly?" She said the last bit in a hushed voice and perhaps it was that which grabbed Jen's attention and pulled her back to the real world.

"What? Oh, sorry Jayne. I'm all out of sorts, I suppose, at the moment. I feel so tired, all of a sudden. I guess the morning has just taken it out of me you know?" Jen answered her, realising by the look of concern in her face that she must have zoned out for a moment. Again.

She shook herself more awake, determined to change the subject away from painful, depressing things and back onto topics which she could more easily control.

"I tell you what, I can't _believe_ how good the coursework is from that class I had last period. Honestly, you'll have to come and look at it. It's easily good enough for degree level, never mind A-level! It's _so_ exciting to see. I just wouldn't have believed they could do - " She broke off. A familiar figure had appeared at the doorway and entered, heading towards the counter with a couple of her friends Jen recognised. Jen couldn't help but follow her path across the corner of the room with her eyes; her lips still parted slightly from breaking-off mid-sentence...

Jayne saw it all. So _there_ was her answer then: Jen _wasn't_ over the teenager at all; far from it! Jayne couldn't help frowning to herself in concern.

As Jen's soulful, hazel eyes followed Tilly's path across the room in the distance, the teenager passed behind Jayne's head and shoulders, making Jen's focus shift and fall upon Jayne's knowing, frowning face... and stay there. A guilty look appeared in her eyes which Jayne, in turn, saw forming. She leaned towards Jen and spoke urgently:

"Jen, you have _got _to -"

"I know, I know. My god, do you think I don't know? -" Jen interrupted her words of judgement. She couldn't bear it, was all she knew. She _had_ to get out of there!

She stood up suddenly, taking even Jayne by surprise.

"Jen, calm down, it's fine, really, just, _sit down_," Jayne hissed at her, not wanting to draw attention to them; not wanting Tilly to see her so that there would be an awkwardness that would in all probability throw Jen off focus for the rest of the day.

But it was too late. Tilly had seen her. She'd turned her head at Jen's sudden movement in her peripheral vision, ending up looking directly at her.

Time stopped. Jen wavered where she stood, held captive by the teenager's gaze... and then Tilly looked away, her face not revealing any emotion at all, and Jen slumped back down again into her seat and wrapped her arms around herself in an act of self-preservation. She seemed to withdraw completely into herself, Jayne thought, worried again for her friend.

"Come on, let's get out of here," she murmured to her. She had to tap Jen on the knee to get her attention. Jen looked up at her as Jayne stood and raised her eyebrows in a reminder to her that she needed to pull herself together and remember where she was - out in public. "Well? What are you waiting for? Come on, let's go..." she repeated, another urgent tone entering her voice.

Jen didn't put up any protestation. She _knew_ she had to get out of there. She suddenly couldn't breathe - Tilly looked _so_ beautiful and so... _vulnerable_... behind a thin veneer of outward ferocity which had showed in her fiery, angry eyes as they had held her captive for a moment... that it had taken Jen's breath away. Yes, she _had_ to get out. She _had_ to escape her presence.

Without showing any acknowledgement of Tilly or her friends Jen stood up again and joined Jayne - where she was waiting for her beside the opposite arm chair with her back to the students - and walked out with her. Outwardly, she appeared confident, in control; chatting amicably with a colleague, but the reality was very different: it was actually Jayne doing most of the talking, trying her hardest to get Jen's attention far away from the group of students who she knew would be watching them leave - well, at least one student in particular...

...

The fresh wintry air felt suddenly biting and seemed to sting her face as they walked back across campus to the shelter of the inner college warmth. Once they'd left that part of the small village area with it's popular coffee shop behind them she had stopped trying so hard to appear so confident and nonchallant with Jayne - who, in turn, had stopped trying so hard to pull Jen out of herself and take her mind off things. And so they walked in near silence for much of the way; Jayne's thoughts on how to help her friend overcome this dangerous situation and Jen's thoughts on how adorable her teenager had looked and how on earth would she possibly be able to cope with any close proximity with her in the last lesson of the day...

"So. You did it then. In a way..." Jayne finally broke the tense silence as they neared the Art building.

"What?"

"You faced her, out in public..."

"Oh, right. Yes, I suppose so... I don't know how I'll be able to face her in her lesson today though, if I'm honest" Jen replied in a worried half whisper. Her throat suddenly felt dry and cracked.

"When is it Jen?"

"It's last period. And I've been dreading it since last night. No, actually, I've been dreading it ever since I broke off with her, last week..." She paused and let out a long, weary sigh. "What am I going to do Jayne? Let's be honest, I nearly lost it back there. I nearly forgot myself... Damn... It's got worse, my self-control, since I've got so used to seeing her so much, with just the two of us, the whole time I was in hospital... What am I going to do?"

"You're going to do the only thing you can Jen. You're going to teach. You're her _teacher_. Don't forget that. _Right_? And I totally believe you can do it too."

Just then the bell rang, marking the start to the afternoon lessons.

"Oh look, I've got to dash. I need to finish setting up!" Jayne muttered and then turned to her and caught hold of her arm. "You're going to be ok Jen, I promise. Just... you know... keep a grip on that self-control ok? And I'll call and see you at the end of the day..." and with that, she hurried away leaving Jen standing outside the main door to the Art building.

She looked up at the large expansive windows of her classroom. They seemed to peer down on her in judgement. She felt, again, as though she was a cracked shell of a person, half-dead; a walking corpse, as she had to consciously force her feet in front of each other and force her legs to carry her inside under the brick and glass facade and into the shadowy darkness of the corridor beyond.

As she tried to force away the one, single image of her mind - the vision of her beautiful teenager - all she was left with was a lingering, unquestionable thought... It was going to be a _long_ afternoon, a _very _long afternoon,_ that _was for sure!

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	51. Chapter 51

Chapter 51

The fingers of time stretched inexorably through the afternoon, pulling that last lesson closer and closer to her all too quickly until it was there, facing her; daring her to go on, as the bell rang out to mark the end of period four and the start of period five. She felt wired, as the penultimate group of students traipsed out of her room – completely high on adrenaline – like some extreme sports junkie about to throw themselves off a cliff, or a drugged up heroine user already high but already wanting the next fix. She wasn't even aware of anything around her or anything that she was doing; all she knew was that she was moving around the room, endlessly pacing; tidying up already neat piles of paper and portfolios; checking easels were properly upright which she'd already checked only moments before – and breathing, of course.

She looked up when the last class of the day entered. She couldn't help herself. She couldn't stop herself from looking for her; looking for Tilly.

Sure enough, she saw the perfect fiery hair and the pale face of perfection with its piercing emerald eyes and succulent rosebud mouth – already pursed into an insatiable pout which looked heavenly to taste...

Jen tried to turn away as the teenager entered the room behind Esther and Rachel and a few others. Tilly's head was tilted away; her eyes searching the walls as though scanning the intricate pieces of artwork which adorned them. It was obvious that she was trying everything to avoid catching her eye.

Jen mentally shook herself awake from the pull of attraction and longing, chastising herself in the process as she busied herself, yet again, with an apparent task of shuffling papers and then looking closely at her lesson plan, even though she already knew what they were doing - as they all did too. They were all just continuing their project work - either writing and drawing at one of the desks which were sitting there ready, or typing up analysis and researching from the internet on one of the handful of computers which were networked at the side of the room, or standing working at one of the easels which were already set up awaiting their attention...

They didn't even need to be told or reminded. Such was the procedure with long-term portfolio project work. Once a particular module had been introduced and discussed and different techniques had been trialled and experimented with in lessons - once all the preparation and teaching of how to use the materials was completed, it was up to the students to design and develop their work according to the module focus and the assessment criteria and Jen's role took on more of a facilitating nature rather than a leading one. She was there to assist and help guide them; nothing more.

And so she knew, even as she said it to address the class at the start of the lesson, even as she heard the words of instruction coming from her robotically, that she really didn't need to do that - she was, really, surplus to requirements...

"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen," she began, trying at a humour she didn't feel and smiling at them all - well, almost all of them - she couldn't bring herself to look at Tilly. "Well, as you all know, you are working on developing your project work on your chosen topic," she continued, determined to regain some control over the frightening sense of losing it which she was feeling so potently, "...and, of course, you know where everything is. Just ask if you're not sure... and I expect you to begin straight away and stay focused please. Right, sort yourselves out and I'll be coming round later to discuss things with each of you... Off you go."

Throughout her friendly address, the students had been respectfully watching her and waiting. She knew that Tilly had looked at her then - she had felt her emerald eyes reach into her and linger there, deep inside, like a poignant, precious memory which her body remembered even though her mind had forbidden its recognition. It left her breathless and wanting to escape and hide in the stock cupboard behind her - which she did as soon as she finished talking, just as the students busied themselves with finding their work and equipment and setting themselves up, ready to begin.

.

.

The stock cupboard felt warm and safe - cocoon-like - as Jen entered and pretended to look for something on the shelves, moving around further and further towards the back of the room and away from the door, as if she needed the physical barriers of the floor-to-ceiling shelves to offer her protection. It was really like a rather large storeroom of just shelving and equipment; a wooden and paint-splattered maze where you could easily get lost, she mused to herself as she stood there inside it, at the back, wasting time deliberately by watching the dust motes dance around one another in the shaft of light which shone in through the dusty window. In Jen's self-avoiding mind, it looked like some sort of strip of effervescent paint, across the transparent canvas which was the room and she caught herself staring at it, enthralled, as though her mind really was lost and unable to face her present situation...

Of course, it was typical that a student couldn't find the piece of work they were currently working on and came to the door to call her out of her stupour.

And of course, it was typical that it was Tilly.

"Um, excuse me Miss but I can't find my sketches anywhere - or my research - and I'm sure I left it all on the pile. Um, Miss...? Miss Gilmore...?" she called into the cluttered space, her eyes becoming immediately accustomed to the darker corners of the room as they sought-out where her teacher was hiding.

And Jen _was_ hiding, she knew it - they both knew it. And the instant she heard her student's voice Jen just _knew_ that her feet were rooted to the spot and she had lost the power of speech. _Damn._

"Miss... Gilmour...?" the voice came again, softer now, tinged with something Jen couldn't quite make out... Concern? Curiosity? Care?

Jen couldn't help it - she did_ try_ to recover herself and resume her teacherly role... She did_ try_ to regain her self-control and respond in an appropriate business-like, politely functional way - but she couldn't get a word out - not even a sound - no matter how hard she tried... And then, next to no time at all, it was out of her hands anyway because Tilly ventured into the dusty secrecy of the room looking for her and rounded the corner of the shelving suddenly, to find her standing there, holding herself in folded arms; struggling with herself, in the path of the gentle sun beam which seemed, to Tilly, to surround Jen like some kind of halo.

The teenager was immediately taken aback by the beauty of the young woman before her, in all her endearing vulnerability, looking as stunning and breathtaking as always. She had to almost physically restrain herself from running up to her and throwing her arms around her... and she only barely managed it...

But none of Tilly's internal struggle was apparent to Jen when she suddenly looked up to find herself in close proximity to those striking emerald eyes which seemed to set her heart racing so damn easily.

"Oh!... Tilly!..." Jen pretended a surprised reaction to seeing her there - although both knew that it was too forced to be real. "I... er... didn't realise anyone was there. I mustn't have heard you. Did you call me?"

"Yes, Jen. I called a few times," came Tilly's quiet, measured, controlled response. It was immediately followed with another, more formal, more distant one: "Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't call you that any more, should I? I apologise... Miss Gilmore." Tilly made sure that her voice was even and light, revealing nothing of her chaotic passions which were coursing through her as she felt herself begin to drown in Jen's deep, soulful eyes. She took a step back; instinctively stopping herself from falling in; feeling the pull of attraction so strong that it was as if she was teetering on the edge.

But all that Jen saw was a distracted aloofness in the teenager and a clear wish to move away from her, as if her very presence was cancerous to the girl, infecting her. It made Jen feel like crying.

She inwardly shook herself back into some semblance of authority, forcing her powerful, tender feelings for her student deep, deep down within; back into the dusty box, now padlocked, in the hidden corner of the dark room of her heart and mind. All she could see in Tilly was a strong, determined, beautiful girl who seemed to not be feeling anything at all about her former lover; she looked like a young woman who had quickly - too quickly it seemed - already started to move on, move away from her... And if Tilly could do that, then Jen was determined too, that so could _she_...

"Hmm. Yes, I think it's for the best Tilly, don't you?" Jen's voice also sounded controlled and authoritative; business-like, when she heard herself respond. Her eyes though, told a different story; they were beseeching and willed Tilly to show in her own eyes, or face, some giveaway emotion; some sort of refusal to accept the idea that any separation between them was for the best... But no such non-verbal response was forthcoming and Tilly remained as remote as a sculptured figure of stone.

"Yes I do Miss. So... where is my work please? My sketches and research pages are not on the pile anywhere with the others."

"Oh, really?" Jen moved across the space - effortlessly and gracefully, Tilly thought, trying to stop herself from thinking it - towards her and gestured to follow her around the corner and out of the room, back into the brighter classroom to have a mutual search again through the pile of mixed artwork and typed papers which had been taken out of the narrow drawers of the coursework bench.

After a good ten minutes of shared searching and trying desperately to avoid brushing against each other's hands accidentally as they rummaged through the drawers of student coursework, Rachel called across the room to them.

"Miss Gilmore? I think this is Tilly's work over here."

Tilly immediately walked across to scrutinise the selection. "Yes Miss, this is it. It's all here. Thanks anyway" she called back across to Jen, who outwardly smiled and feigned a show of relief before turning back to the task of tidying up the coursework piles and filing them in a more orderly fashion back into their respective labelled drawers. That occupied her for a good few minutes and by the time she had finished and glanced across to where Tilly was sitting quietly working, the teenager was clearly heavily engrossed in her work.

The rest of the lesson passed by uneventfully, or appeared to. All the students were suitably focused and studious in their independent work and there was a proactive energy about the group which created a productive atmosphere of shared discovery...

It was only the teacher and one of the students who knew the lesson was far from uneventful and even _they_ were in isolation with their thoughts and burning emotions, both fully convinced that the other was somehow emotionless and had not even a lingering ache which hungered for the other's touch. They both spent the entire time trying to find a way of avoiding any acknowledgement of even their own private feelings which still clearly needed to be dealt with but which were independently being ignored...

And so Tilly was consciously forcing her eyes down to stick on the pages of work in front of her instead of rising, as they kept on trying to do, and resting on the graceful hollows of the teacher's neck and collar bone, which looked so soft and smooth in the gentle caress of the light, lying there exposed for her eyes to feast on as Jen's hair was tied up in a loose, elegant bun with slender tendrils of dark hair falling down on either side and brushing against her pale, naked skin...

And likewise, so Jen was consciously forcing _her_ eyes down to focus on the written and typed analyses of paintings and artistic movements which made up another class's completed research coursework. For once, she was thankful that they were so detailed and in-depth because it made them more interesting to read and that, in turn, made it a little easier to keep her eyes glued there, when they wanted so much to glance up and gaze along that porcelaine, slender neck of Tilly's, as it stretched forward over her work, and down her bare pale arms which moved so elegantly as she worked and which seemed to be waiting for her, for Jen, to cross the room and plant gentle, tender kisses all along...

It was a relief to them both when the bell rang to mark the end of the lesson and the end of the day.

The group of students were feeling clearly empowered, from where Jen sat, to her satisfaction, because they were so focused on their work that almost all of them continued, engrossed in their work, after the bell had rung and were then deep in thought as they packed their tools and equipment away. Only two students were ready almost immediately. One was George, who had already mentioned something to Jen about needing to leave on the bell because of some family commitment... and the other one was Tilly.

Jen's heart sank. She had been hoping to have at least a few more minutes in her silent company at the end of the lesson, expecting her to be the last to pack away as she usually would have been. She considered trying to delay her on some pretence but couldn't think of anything quickly enough. Yet her instinctive need to reach out to her caused her to stand up suddenly, unsteadily, as the two students picked up their bags and Tilly followed George out through the door.

"Um. Nice work Tilly," she said to her as she walked past, "...very careful and detailed. Well done."

Tilly slowed almost to a halt right next to her, facing her, and her eyes immediately sought out the older woman's, searching deeply for any hidden emotion there. Finding some powerful, burning thing lying there half-concealed, she suddenly relaxed slightly, imperceptibly to anyone else except Jen, who saw for the first time a look of basic, sensual hunger in her emerald eyes. Instinctively, Jen reached up to lightly brush away the hair out of the teenager's eyes. It was only for a few short seconds, but it was enough. Tilly couldn't help but move instinctively towards Jen's touch, closing her eyes briefly through the response, as her stomach flipped cartwheels... which, in turn, had a similar effect on her teacher and made the burning ache in Jen's heart and the pit of her stomach burn so much more strongly...

They both gazed momentarily at each other's face, taking in every little detail; their eyes finally rested on each other's lips, which both of them wanted so badly to taste and explore once again, with passionate, tender, searching kisses which they both knew would grow in power and expression; silken, sliding tongues intertwining and caressing and pulling them closer into a string of deep, expressive kisses the likes of which they both yearned for, which would elevate both of them, they knew, way up high above the ordinary monotony of daily life...

"Are you coming Tils?" George's impatient voice broke through their mutual longing as he looked back suddenly, wondering where she'd gone.

"Yes, of course," Tilly answered him, immediately self-conscious and blushing, defying her instincts and breaking away from Jen's addictive, exquisite gaze to breathe a "Thanks Miss" in her general direction and hurry out after him.

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It wasn't until the last student had gone that Jen allowed herself to relax.

She sank into her chair, exhausted suddenly from all of the intense emotion of the day. She was completely numb, she knew, and not at all up to facing another quizzical questioning from Jayne who she was expecting any minute... _Ah well_, she sighed to herself, _at least it was nice to have a... moment... with Tilly_. If that's what it _had_ been. It was hard to tell now...

She already knew that she would not be able to think of anything _else_ for the foreseeable future.

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	52. Chapter 52

[Um. Thanks, katstanwyk, for bringing me back... And my sincerest apologies to you all for two months' of nothing... Esme x]

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Chapter 52

Night came and wrapped the earth in its dusky arms once more...

On one side of the small college town, on the outskirts of the beautiful city of Chester, Tilly slept - fitfully at best - untangling her feelings about her teacher through her dreams: an interlacing web of dark shadows and disaster scenarios which always ended in a sensation of falling...

And on the other side of town, Jen wasn't faring much better.

She found herself waking suddenly, eyes wide open, almost every hour, on the hour; her body shaking slightly after its shock of the fourth time; her clothes laced with sweat by the sixth time; her forehead beaded with faint moisture; her mind disorientated and her nerves in tatters.

It had been this way for weeks... Months, actually - as first one and then the other had spent the days in avoidance - of each other and any acknowledgement to themselves of the fierce emotion that burned there between them still; raging. But their desires were swallowed down deep inside them both, like cold water being poured on a naked flame...

A flame which refused to die and still hid, under cover of detection, as a glowing ember...

As the weeks became months, the main events of the yearly calendar came and went without interruption, without excitement or emotion, for both of them.

After the unusually warm September start, which heralded Jen's belated return to work and those first few awkward lessons, October turned out to be a cold and depressing month, which brought with it a humourless Halloween, and November's Bonfire night and fireworks saw the same relentless chill and greyness and the same, numb, lack of humour and passion, so that before they knew it, in their separate numbness, all too soon it was December, with its Christmas good cheer and festivities - but ones which both women seemed to ignore; both empty of care or affection or hope; both missing each other terribly and both feeling all too much the raw hole left behind inside them from being unable to share such an event with each other: not even buying each other a Christmas card to sign a formal Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year...

Indeed, in their separate lives, both of them felt absent from the New Year festivities too; disinterested in making plans and resolutions; disinterested in joining hands to the ballad of Robbie Burns; disinterested even in watching the fireworks explode over the rooftops of London and Sydney and New York as different respective countries had their own celebrations of counting down to the new year and its implied chance of hope and a fresh start. No, neither one of them opted to take part in any of these social events of the Western calendar - mainly because neither one of them actually felt alive anymore...

And then all too soon it was Easter, and Jen remembered something, and that entire notion set her thinking again... And again...

Because one thing was for sure: she _knew_ she couldn't continue like this...

She was almost on the verge...

The precipice...

A decision, not yet fully formed, was swirling around, which she hadn't yet fully realised and which would change _everything_.

And then one day there came again the opportunity for contact. And this time, perhaps because of what she'd remembered and what she wanted so badly, more than anything else, _this time _the moment felt different.

It seemed like chance, but felt like fate, that that particular morning Jen's young, fresh-faced and sleep-deprived figure was hurrying down the corridor from the staff room, straight from morning briefing, with her head in her pile of paperwork, held precariously in her arms, her eyes cast down as she hurried along... and walked straight into Tilly, the one person she had spent _so_ much time trying to ignore.

"Huh, what the- ?" came the lovely lilting teenage voice, making Jen look up suddenly, just as she too uttered what seemed to her to sound like an old man's grunt of surprise at the collision.

In fact, to Tilly's ears, Jen's deep surprised sound was like velvet; sultry and soft and smooth, and very attractive indeed. So much so that she felt herself blush. Immediately.

"Um, I'm terribly sorry Tilly. I should be watching where I'm going," Jen muttered apologetically, her voice husky with emotion and doubt, which had the secret effect of making Tilly's body tense as though waiting, listening, as all of Jen's papers scattered everywhere, swirling like leaves in a gale before landing on the floor.

"Oh dammit!" Jen breathed again, more to herself than the student.

"Here, let me help you," Tilly offered, glad of an excuse to distract herself from feeling the way her body tensed and ached for the older woman's touch, yet also glad of an excuse to linger there and feel her presence so closely once more.

They both bent down, squatting low together, picking up sheet after sheet of A4 lined paper, all full of handwriting.

"Ahh. Damn damn damn. It's going to take me ages to get all this in order again - especially if they've only put their name on the top page of their work and it's not stapled - which most of it isn't!" Jen groaned. "Ah. Damn it!" she complained again, angry with herself for being so careless; suddenly not wanting to face the prospect of the workload ahead of her.

"I could help you miss?" Tilly replied tentatively, clearly on impulse because Jen caught sight of the beginnings of a faint blush creep into the younger woman's cheeks. "Um, that is, if you'd like- ?" the girl continued, concentrating on the floor and the paper and her hands as they grabbed and collected and tidied and held the pieces together.

The offer, and the sign of her blush, gave the older woman a sudden unexpected swell of emotion: warm; strong: quickly building in its ferocity like a powerful swelling wave poised to crash against a shoreline of control. This time it was Jen who could feel herself blushing slightly, although no change of colour was immediately evident in her. She wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch Tilly's face tenderly and gaze once more into those striking emerald eyes... She inwardly shook herself away from such thoughts.

"Um, thanks, but it's ok Tilly, I've got this..." Jen focused on the ever-growing pile of papers in her hands as she spoke and thought she saw Tilly's shoulders slump a little at that, although she couldn't be sure. What she _did_ know for certain was that her own heart was twisting itself into a deadly aching knot that would be her undoing unless she moved away from her as soon as possible.

"Oh, okay then," came Tilly's resigned reply and she quickly passed her weighty pile of papers across the space between them and into Jen's hands: "Here, take these" she said in an efficient, business-like tone all of a sudden which made Jen look up at her again, in time to see the rejected hurt flash briefly in her eyes, making Jen's heart ache for her more in spite of herself.

But Tilly's timing was all wrong and completely unintentionally her hands brushed against Jen's, which then, on contact, jumped suddenly and opened, and the precious papers fell once more from her hands and scattered to the floor. In her surprise, she grabbed for the last few, but found Tilly's fingers there instead and stunned at the sudden touch, the two women couldn't help but hold on for longer... It was a reflex that became something more.

"Tilly, I- " Jen started an awkward, we-can't-do-this, speech but couldn't get past the opening words, floundering in the face of the younger woman's direct and open, honest gaze. She felt pinned somehow; held accountable for all the months of pretending to not care anymore and pretending that the fire which sparked between them had completely died out. Because there was no denying it anymore: it was blatantly clear to both of them that nothing had died out and, in fact, if anything, it had only grown that much stronger under the cover of their denial.

"Jen..." Tilly started her own response to the overwhelming shock of seeing in the teacher's face all the sensual passions that she felt for her mirrored there after all, half-hidden... "Jen, please, just _let_ me..." She broke off abruptly and dropped her hand. Jen was left momentarily confused and was about to say something when Tilly suddenly raised her voice:

"Good morning Mr Keeler. It's a lovely morning today isn't it?"

"Oh, good morning Tilly. Good morning Miss Gilmore" came the deep voice in reply. Jen whipped around to face him, trying to wish away what she thought must be a guilty look in her face while he continued his polite preamble: "Yes it is a lovely day today isn't it?... Oh dear, what have we here? A little accident, ladies?..." He looked at them from one to the other and beamed. "Nevermind, I'm sure you'll clear it up..." and with that, he was gone again.

As soon as he was around the corner both women visibly relaxed, letting out an audible sigh of relief which made them both instantly aware of each other again. They exchanged a glance. And then, silently, they returned to the task of carefully stripping the corridor floor of its new paper clothing and arranging it into piles which were, finally, gathered together back in Jen's arms, now not as precariously as before. Tilly didn't say anything this time, as she handed over her pile to add to Jen's. She didn't need to. The warning look in Jen's eyes was enough to tell her that their conversation was over after all; over before it even started. It made her heart sink as she smiled briefly, politely, before turning away.

"Um, thanks Tilly, for all your help," came the quiet reply from Jen's lips.

Tilly turned back to look at her once more, now more than an arm's stretch away. "That's ok, Miss- "

And there it was. Back to the safety of formality, Jen noted, frowning subconsciously at the thought.

And then, impulsively, against all her better judgement and self-control, she added: "It was nice - er, talking to you again..."

Tilly smiled at last. Jen wouldn't look at her; couldn't look at her. Instead, her gaze focused on a silver bangle on Tilly's forearm which she hadn't noticed before. Tilly didn't usually wear jewellery, so it must be special to her... she wondered absently. It was beautiful; the silver had a middle section which was encased in gem stones, all of a pale aqua-marine shade which made them stand out and catch the light. They shone whenever Tilly moved her arm.

"... Oh, I like your bracelet. It's beautiful- " Jen added again, instinctively wanting to prolong the moment; not ready yet to let her go. She broke off as she was just about to say _beautiful- like you are_...

"Oh thanks. Maddie got it for my eighteenth..." Tilly replied, and beamed, before closing off the conversation, against her instinct, and reclaiming her usual mature self-control, which was something that Jen had always marvelled at. "Ok, well, I'd better get going. Look after yourself, Miss." And with that she was gone.

Jen was left just standing there staring after her.

And there was that half-remembered thought again...

She sure as hell couldn't shake it...

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	53. Chapter 53

Chapter 53

The sudden unexpected meeting in the corridor over the scattered pool of papers had set Tilly's mind and heart into overdrive too...

She had been so sure that any future development with her beautiful brunette was hopeless and non-existant because she had, over their long passage of time apart, begun to believe Jen's frosty, business-like aloofness as being exactly that: frosty, cold and dead; as if the fire which had always burned between them - which Tilly could still feel flickering away deep in her soul, no matter how hard she ignored it - had, for Jen, actually blown out...

But now she knew differently. And she found that she was smiling for the first time in months.

Now she had seen it, all too clearly in the older woman, licking its burning lips and flickering there, in her deep hazel eyes, and in the way that she had gazed upon her, all over her, without meaning to and without knowing it.

She could still see that Jen had a battle inside herself; an internal struggle between what felt instinctively natural - her natural attraction and affection for her - and the social constraints of her position and her job, but she had also suddenly seen, for a split second, that that battle was weaker somehow, as if it was drawing to a close, soon to be resolved in some way... and Tilly had also known for far longer than Jen that the legal dangers which they had both tried so hard to resist each other for, in the past, were no longer an issue now that Tilly was eighteen and in all legal respects at least, a recognised adult.

She'd seen that too. That their sudden unexpected meeting, when Jen asked about the bangle from Maddie, was the first time Jen had realised she had come of legal age...

The look on Jen's face as she'd walked away and left her behind there, holding her precious papers, had been priceless. And while Tilly didn't want to make Jen suffer or revel in it at all, she had found that she was smiling to herself when she'd continued her walk down the corridor and away from her and out through the doors into the warm sunlight and balmy breeze. The look on Jen's face had been a mixture of sudden surprise and delighted hope mixed with an agonised, pained expression of loss or longing: a yearning of some kind. Perhaps _that _was why Tilly had been so pleased to see it, because it was all the proof she'd ever need to know that she still loved her; she still cared; she still wanted her.

And so it was that she was still smiling to herself for the first time in months as she made her way down that well-worn pathway, past the line of whispering sycamores and silver birch, towards the Art faculty block, a week later, on her way into college.

For the first time in months she felt as though she was coming to life again at long last, like the unfurling bluebells which covered the ground between the trees, awakening from the deadening chill of winter...

She could feel Summer returning in the warm air, and the morning sunlight which touched her shoulders felt like the warm embrace of loving arms...

Anything felt possible.

And even better, she told herself, her studies were almost complete. She'd already finished the exams in her three main science subjects because of taking them early in the January exam period rather than waiting until June. And for the main part, with her Art AS, it was just a question of completing coursework and hitting deadlines and assessment criteria for top marks. For her, she knew that all the months of feeling dead in Jen's absence, while feeling really horrible and almost paralysed in a way, had actually ended up helping to focus her mind on her work and she knew already that she was on track to ace out on all her exam subjects and her current coursework at an A or an A star level grade.

She had also used the time to seriously consider her university future and had decided that actually, yes, Cambridge was the ultimate place for her to aim for. Better still, after going for an interview there - in which she had been very relaxed throughout because at the time she hadn't cared either way since her mind was still on Jen - they had given her a provisional offer of acceptance, dependent on her results, which were due any day soon...

Yes, life felt good. Very, very good indeed. Even better, when Tilly looked at the Art faculty block in the distance, shielding her emerald eyes from the sun which seemed to ignite her softly moving auburn hair, and saw her stunning brunette teacher standing at the window watching her, a strange expression on her face, before moving back into the darkness of the upstairs room... Typically, like old times, her heart skipped a beat and the blood coursed through her body at a sudden rapidly increased rate, making her body awaken and unfurl itself even more than the beautiful blue flowers she was walking beside... Oh, how she couldn't wait to see her again! And oh, how she couldn't wait for them to be together again at long, long last, now that there were no legal impediments to stop them!

That whole sensation, almost like being reborn and returning back to life, grew stronger and stronger as her suddenly shaky legs carried her closer and closer to the building and to the woman she loved more than anything in the universe.

And that whole frame of mind lasted the entire time it took from waking up to entering the Art room - Jen's room - for her first lesson of the day...

And then it stopped.

Abruptly.

When it soon became clear that it was going to be Mr Andrews, the Art teacher who had been called in to oversee Jen's classes through the duration she had been in hospital, months ago, and _not_ Miss Gilmore, who was going to be taking the lesson.

Worse still, when the head of the Art faculty, Mr Atkins, came to tell the class that as of yesterday Miss Gilmore was no longer a teacher at Hollyoaks Sixth Form College.

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	54. Chapter 54

Chapter 54

There was a pronounced intake of breath. From all of them. They really loved Miss Gilmore's classes; they had, all of them, truly found her an inspiration to behold and she wasn't without a stream of teenage admirers from the male students either, Tilly was all too aware of... So how could this be? Why had she left?

They all quizzed Mr Atkins for the entire time and completely inundated him with grumbled questions, not at all appeased when he said that she'd be back to say goodbye to them all at the end of the course in just a few more weeks but that she'd had to go and that was that. It was all very dissatisfying and upsetting for them all.

Tilly didn't waste any time. As soon as she saw how the others surrounded Mr Atkins with their frustrations and indignant questions she crept out of the room and walked straight down the stairs. She knew she'd only just seen her, when she'd looked down at her from the window as she'd been walking down the path towards her, only moments ago, so she couldn't be far and she just _had_ to see her. She _had_ to understand why. It felt like her universe had suddenly imploded. What had happened since last week when they'd really connected once again after so long? Had she resigned willingly? Had she been forced out? Had someone gone and revealed all about them to Keeler after all? Was she going to prison after all too?

Heart thudding in her chest; tears burning tiny pinpricks into her eyes as she tried her hardest to blink them away, she walked straight out of college and back out towards the Silver Birch trees and the staff car park beyond. She _had_ to be there, packing her things back into her boot. She just _had_ to... Or worse...

.

.

Sure enough, Tilly saw her bending over a large box of art supplies and artwork yet to be marked as she was loading things into her jeep.

"Miss?" she called out, breaking into a breathless run because the jeep looked so far away and she was nearly packed up and Tilly was sure she'd drive away before she reached her. "Miss!... Jen!"

.

At the sound of her name Jen looked up. She hesitated when she saw it was Tilly and for a moment the student thought she was going to jump in her jeep and drive off anyway. She was relieved when she didn't. Instead, Jen turned fully towards her and languidly leaned against the warm metal boot she had just closed, waiting for her with a gentle smile on her lips.

"Well hello there. If it isn't my little soul mate," Jen spoke softly as Tilly drew tentatively near. Her voice was quiet - a little subdued, Tilly thought - but still full of warmth at seeing her.

"I thought I might just be able to creep away," Jen continued as she looked at her standing there facing her: Tilly's emerald eyes shining through her tears; her fiery hair glinting in the sunlight and her beautiful rosebud mouth pursed into a determined pout.

For a moment the older woman had to consciously control herself and pull back from reaching out to her and pulling her into her arms and covering her in kisses to reassure her and show her that it was all going to be okay. She almost didn't manage it. As it was, her hand reached up of its own accord to brush part of Tilly's fringe gently out of her eyes and tuck it back behind her ear.

The eighteen-year-old tensed slightly, imperceptibly, at her touch, as she in turn fought with internal passions to close the small gap between them and throw her arms around her older lover. But she also managed it; just leaning her head slightly, gently, into Jen's gesture, which lingered there, her hand slowly, tenderly, brushing against her face and cheek as Tilly closed her eyes and they both felt truly alive and at one with everything around them: the warm, kissing sunlight; the sycamore and birch trees which stood there watching them, waiting and whispering; the brave little bluebells which seemed to lean towards them for a better view; even the distant white clouds...

Everything seemed to sigh.

And then all too soon the moment was gone and Jen had retracted her hand which she crossed with her other arm firmly across her chest.

"But... why- ?" Tilly began, her eyes beginning to fill again with tears.

Jen looked at her and held her gaze for a long moment before answering. "Because... it's for the best." She paused, searching the student's eyes before continuing with a sigh. "Because... I couldn't bear it any longer." She paused again, for added emphasis, willing Tilly to understand... "Because... I went to see Keeler and had a long, long discussion about... lots of things... and he really gave me no option."

"But..."

"It's okay, you know. It's actually fine. Far better than I thought it would be..." The older woman gave a reassuring smile. It lit up her hazel eyes into a rich gold somehow.

"What? Leaving here? Or leaving... me?" Tilly couldn't help but blurt out. She felt her slipping away and wanted to hold on to her forever, fiercely, as though defying an inevitable force, like gravity.

"Oh Tilly," Jen sighed in response. She looked at her student more deeply then. Really looked at her. And Tilly felt as though she was drinking her in with her hazel eyes which shone in the sunlight like gold one minute and then grew darker the next, the more she gazed at her; the pupils dilating with hidden emotion so strong her whole body seemed tense, alert, like a cat ready to spring, and then it was like looking into liquid chocolate. The effect they had on her meant that Tilly was only vaguely aware when Jen continued talking...

"I feel everything I ever felt about you _just _as strongly, if not _more_ so," Jen was saying. "It's simple for me really. I know that I love you. And that I always will, no matter what. I've never had a problem with that. Nothing has changed for me, for all I tried to keep away from you and keep you at arm's length for all this time, it didn't do any good. It just made us both miserable, I see that now. And that's not what I want. For either of us... But still, even though I... we... never had a problem with our love and our relationship, society does, so it seems, and not just about the gay thing too... There are lots of people who think that if you're sixteen or seventeen or even eighteen you're still too young to know what you want and who you are; you're still too young to be getting so... intimate in such a relationship, you know?- "

"But that's- " Tilly started, furious with the world, before Jen interrupted her again, mid-flow.

"Yes, I know that _we_ know it's different than that, but, Tilly, I do think they have a point. Don't you? After all, the law is there to protect you..."

Tilly shook her head vehemently, willing these abstract, judgemental people the greatest of harm, as Jen carried on.

"I just wish I'd met you at a different time, in just a couple more years - even just _one_ year - when we could have been together straight away without any of the stress we've had to work our way through..." She broke off, thoughtful suddenly, as if punishing herself inwardly for not having the strength and will power to have resisted her feelings for the girl when they had first met after all.

"But that's _their_ problem!" Tilly said forcefully, spitting out the words at these people who were ruining her whole entire life.

"But that's still a problem if I'm ever going to be a teacher. Isn't it? And it still runs the risk of stopping _you_ from getting everything _you_ want out of life, because of people's prejudices, _doesn't_ it? Like going to Cambridge- "

"But I won't if you don't want that, if it means staying with you, keeping you in my life..." Tilly blurted out again, desperate now to promise anything just to keep her there, right next to her; wanting, wishing the universe, or God, or whoever, to agree to some sort of deal: that if she gave up Cambridge and a future in medicine, for instance, she could have Jen for ever and ever and ever...

But Jen was being the voice of reason..."I _do_ want that for you Tilly. I want everything in the _world_ for you. I want you to go out into the world and take what you want from it. But not just what you know around here, and that includes me... I want you to go and find yourself, find out what you want, who you want to be. Without me distracting you or defining you..." She broke off again, wondering what else she could say to try to explain and make her see; watching Tilly's fiery reactions to the situation and her decision to leave as they accompanied the fiery emotions that played across her face and the movement of her stunning fiery hair.

"How can you say that? How can you not know that it's _YOU_ I want, and _nothing_ else? How can you willingly take yourself out of my life like this after everything we've meant to each other? Jen...!" Tilly's body broke into sobs.

Jen took a step forward and reached out to take her hands in her own. The sudden soft touch seemed to quieten the teenager almost instantly. "Listen to me will you?" Jen replied, slowly stroking her hands. "I'm not willingly taking myself out of your life. I'm just stepping aside a little to give you room to breathe and be yourself. So that you know what you want..."

"I already know what I want! And it's you!"

"Oh, Tilly, you're still so young..."

"I am NOT so young as to not know my own mind...!"

"Heyyy..." Jen's voice grew softer, soothing her to back to calm. She continued gently, tenderly stroking the student's hands with her own. "Look at me..._ Look _at me Tilly..."

Tilly refused to look up; stubbornly staring at the worn tarmac of the car park beneath her feet.

Jen's soft voice continued unperturbed. "I know that. I'm not saying that... And I know there's only a few years between us, but listen... I've already been away from home and done the university thing and I've been travelling and...well... I've found myself Tilly, I know who I am. I've lived away from home for quite a while and believe me, nothing else makes you get to know yourself and makes you ready to take on whatever life throws at you quite so much as that. _You_ need to do that too. Just like I did. How can you do that with me still there distracting you? ...It should be an exciting time for you, not one where you're already thinking about a set path, settling down with someone..."

Tilly looked up at her then. She had regained her self-control but was still earnest in her response. Once again Jen marvelled at her maturity.

"But don't you see? I'm already thinking about a set path in medicine, aren't I? And now I've found you... when I wasn't even looking... and I already know that I want my future to be with you. I don't want anyone else. I_ know _you regret getting involved with me so soon, that you somehow feel like you've been irresponsible because I'm so, huh, _young_.." Tilly spat the last word out bitterly. "...but that's utter _rubbish_! I've _always_ been mature and adult. About _everything_. Ask anyone who knows me: _they'll_ tell you. And I _am_ being adult about this too. It's so damned _frustrating_ when I keep being treated like a kid... especially by_ you_, of _all_ people Jen. It's rather insulting really."

Jen was thoughtful when she answered. She pulled the younger woman gently towards her first, to come to rest against the back of her jeep, beside her, to take the weight off their feet a little while they talked. She had already scanned the area to make sure they weren't being overlooked. It really wouldn't do for her to be seen holding hands and speaking so intimately with a student, even if that student _was_ old enough and even if she _had_ just resigned and was in the process of leaving the campus... but the coast was clear: no one was around and they were hidden from view of the college by the line of tall trees - unless someone actually came out looking for them, which was doubtful. She leaned closer into her and lifted one hand to stroke the side of her face tenderly, lovingly.

"Listen Tilly, I love you. I am _always_ going to love you. I know that now. It's simple... But if I want a _life_ with you, it seems I have to make a sacrifice...for now..."

She smiled gently, the smile reaching her eyes and igniting them again as she looked at her, disarming the younger woman again in an instant, who hung on her every word as if her life depended on it...

"...and at first I resisted that; I refused to accept that. I thought that my career was more essential than any feelings. After all, feelings don't pay the bills do they? ...But as time went on I began to realise that I'd got it all wrong. What's essential to me is _you_. Far more than any career in teaching - at least for the time being until I can find another job teaching Art in another school. And I realised that that's ok... because I love you..."

Once again she broke off and looked away at the tree tops where they stroked the balmy air in slow, lazy swirls. She chuckled to herself and the mischievous glint in her eyes made Tilly feel as though she had been caught by electricity.

"...And I told Keeler as much too! Ha! You should have seen his face... I just marched into his office and told him." She grinned at Tilly then: an open, honest, relaxed grin of affection.

"Oh my _god_ Jen! What on _earth_ did he say?" The sudden news broke Tilly out of her trance: she was _determined_ to know.

"I said that I'd fallen in love with one of my students and what should I do? Oh, he asked me a few awkward questions... Of course I didn't tell him _everything_..." She frowned and Tilly saw the inner conflict return again to her face. "He said it didn't matter if nothing had come of it, that I had still developed feelings for a minor which still meant that I could be prosecuted even if you were eighteen _now_... And as soon as he knew it was _you_ all those accusations that Angel made about us came back up to the surface - which was _far_ from pleasant - at one point I saw him reach for the phone and thought _that_ was it, he was going to call the police on me- "

Tilly's eyes were suddenly wide with fear. Jen stroked her arm for reassurance.

" -Don't worry, he didn't: I dealt with the accusations fine - and without lying too, which I would have found impossible to do - but it made him even more restless to let me go. So he took out my professional development file and told me I was an outstanding teacher and he hated to lose me but lose me he must if I was going to walk away from the situation without facing charges. He told me to apply elsewhere and said that by all means he was a willing referee for any future jobs I might find... I've been looking for jobs further south, near to... Cambridge perhaps...?"

They both smiled at that.

"...Although... there are no teaching jobs _whatsoever_ at the moment! So, in the meantime, I'm going to start work at the Art Gallery in town - yes the one where you first saw Angel - I'm having to start almost straight away, which is why I've had to leave college so soon, but I'll be back for the end of the course... I'm going to just appear with a bunch of cakes for everyone..." Her eyes twinkled as she talked. "And I've got some _great_ ideas about leading some Art History classes at the gallery and teaching some painting and ceramics classes to OAPs and adults... so I'm really looking forward to that actually. It'll be a way of continuing to teach and do something productive which I can use in any job applications..."

She paused, and lifted Tilly's head up gently to look into her eyes. "And then _you_ can go and get your results, have a great holiday break with your friends, go to university and then... we'll see. And if you still want me as you think you do then, great! ...And if you find that you've moved on, or you meet someone else, well, I'll just have to suck it up I guess, but I'm tough, I'm brave Tilly, really, I'll be okay."

Tilly started to argue but Jen silenced her, pressing a gentle finger to her lips.

"You _have_ to do this Tilly, for _me. Please_. And I _have _to let you go..."

She took the younger woman's face in both her hands and gazed lovingly into her luscious emerald eyes which were once again shining with baby tears.

"Fly away little bird... Be free. I want you to find yourself without being defined by me, because I love you and so I want to set you free..."

She kissed her tenderly on the lips, drawing her into her in a fluid motion as effortless and natural as a sigh. It touched them both in deeper ways that no one but the two of them could have understood; it marked a moment - of ending something, but of also starting something else, something new and hopeful between them.

"...and with any luck you will come back to me, and we'll live happily ever after." Jen smiled down at her again. "I'm not going anywhere Tilly. I'm always going to be here, or nearby; rooting for you; supporting you; wanting the best for you. No strings. Like I said. Because I love you..."

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End file.
